When life's music starts to dwindle.
Whence the hearts and souls divine,
has become to a thieve a mere swindle.
The compassion for others, becomes a crime.
Ignorance is bliss, at the world in which we live.
Innocence is a joke between the callous people.
Hunger is a life from,
that thrives among the uncared for.
Anger, a religion, on which people meditate.
Guns and Tanks, like the churches steeple.
Children are corrupted among respect-less adults.
The elders grieve for the loss
of their once beautiful earth.
Mother nature chokes on the malignancy,
that extorts the warmth of her loving arms.
We turn to find ourselves tucked in a corner.
Alone, with out a scapegoat left to plunder.
No one to pass on the blame too the better the sooner.
We are forced to take on the ominous force,
Be it our consequences are too much to handle?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
don't use the word "whence." Its like your trying to be archaic but... that's dumb.
someone said that it flows well but that is wrong. the first stanza seems to flow okay but in the second stanza it just falls apart completely. The commas really interrupt the flow, take them out, rearrange that sentence so its not interrupted by 'a religion' like it is. You've got some interesting ideas but they are not fleshed out.
The last stanza should be the strongest, seems like it is actually the weakest. It seems like you needed an ending so you just kind of... slopped it on at the end. Sit down, take some time, and put some thought into it. Write a lot of bad endings and eventually you'll write a good one
best,
Great job. I think that this is almost there, but it still needs some emotional depth. I've been saying that a lot lately, but it's true. Poetry isn't poetry without something there to back it up. I want to hear what you have to say in the most amazing description you can give me. So tell me more about your consequences, about innocence. I want to know.
Love,
Fixed
PS: Your description and word choice was great, though. I loved the piece. I want to see it get even BETTER.
Thanks.
That was amazing! The rythym flowed well through the whole thing and what rhymes there were seemed very natural.
It was slightly depressing, but it was an eye opener as to what the world has become. As of lately, I've sort of been feeling the same way.
Good job!