Shiver cause its cold outside,
Inside there’s a warmer future.
Fear cause plenty isn’t known,
Trust is the new way to meet.
Measure distances,
Calculate force.
Distinguish evil,
and gather fortune.
Fall on your knees,
Yet do not give in.
Rage through fires,
Seek your heart’s desire.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
You need an apostrophe in "its".
I think you could deepen your poem. The title gave me high expectations, but after I read it I didn't feel satisfied. I like the general idea of the piece (if you're going for human behavior) - it's pretty original. However, your poem needs some work, and I'm not certain it could be revamped through a few minor suggestions. Think about what it is your speaker is trying to say. Best of luck!
it does seem to be a collection of inspirational phrases. although it can be stream-of-consciousness, it needs a little bit of a connecting strand. i'd suggest starting out with these phrases and expanding them into a larger picture. remember, the goal is to paint a picture with words, and to make sure it flows. there are certainly images here, but they are disjointed and disorderly. i'd suggest cleaning it up a bit, and then you'll have a fine poem. while i wouldn't call it a poem now, i would call it a skeleton of one. so, add a little flesh to them bones, and you'll be fine. good luck.
-Zalarus
I get the poem, but it needs a new title. It also needs to be expanded upon, in order for your ideas to get across. This s a good start, but the poetry is all bones and no flesh. There isn't any simile or metaphor or all those poem-y things that add layers of complexity and meaning to the piece.
Also (maybe it's just a pet peeve of mine) but its a little grating to see 'cause in a poem that doesn't have an urban voice. Because just flows better on paper, I think.
My favorite verse was the last one. The lines:
"Fall on your knees,
Yet do not give in.
Rage through fires,"
were the best in the poem. it had a passion that the rest lacked. You might have to work to reconcile the ryhme with the non-ryhme, but keep the emotions in those lines.
I actually get this poem, it seems people don't
This poem is a train of consiousness, right? It's someones thoughts. I'm guessing its someone who is really distraught or truly insane.
Its like someone trying wildly to make logic out of something that isn't logical.
VERY clever, i love it
The rhythm is a little off sometimes. However, sense it doesn’t rhyme, it’s easier for you to get away with. Like everyone said, it doesn’t make much sense. Nice title.
That last bit bugs me for some reason. Maybe it’s because everything else doesn’t rhyme and this dose. Or maybe I’m just weird. Anyway, see if you can find a common subject, and base your poem on that. It is a good poem, however. (Even if it doesn’t make much sense.) Keep on Writing!
-Y
Despite what everyone says, I really really like this one. It's differant. As a whole, it doesn't make sense, but that's fine I like the first stanza the best. it's really.....I don't know. I like it.
Poems don't have to make sense. Go ahead and write whatever the hell you want!
No offense, but that made no sense at all. I can pick the hidden symbolism out of Foolie Coolie (a 6 episode anime about puberty masked as a sci-fi adventure, which is then masked as a bad acid trip) but I can't find anything in this. This might work as a song, as song lyrics don't always have to make sense as long as they sound good. This work doesn't exacly seem like a poem to me though-not only do I fail find the cryptic message, but I can't even find its disguise.
It's best when things have a common need and they aren't a collection of random phrases. Pretty phrases are nice, but I think you need to apply...er...something coherent?
I......understand.... the title makes it a bit confusing, I so did not want to name it Untitled
I...don't get it.