Might I dream of eternal darkness?
Or shall I speak of neon black?
The bother of nothing being seen,
Neon blinds: “I lost my track”
Might I picture wedding dresses?
All in one the neon white
Canescent, chalky, bleached;
Neon sets too much on sight
Figure the fracture
It’s black, it’s white
Look out for torture
Neon brings
"a deadly bite"
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
I personally really liked reading this poem. The title fits it perfectly. And the way you describe it so a person sees pictures is great. Keep it up!
Au Revoir
~~*Judi Patootie*~~
I loved the rythm and flow of this poem, but what does it mean? To be more accurate: why did you choose to write about neon in association with wedding dresses and eternal darknes? (What is it in darkness and wedding dresses that makes it 'a deadly bite'?)
Overall I really liked it, it was random in a deep kind of way, my only wish is that you made whatever message it was you wanted to send through this poem more clear.
Cheers, and good luck!
it is very good.
i like it, it's very different--it has a different flow & subject it seems then most other poems posted do.
Chandni,
Some images here worth keeping, a line there worth saving, but overall, this has no impact on me.
I would prescribe a metaphorical laminectomy and a new structure of the skeletal system before any more serious progress can be made.
Best,
Brad
Loved it
That is all i can say
I havn't a clue what you were talking about but nethertheless
I loved it!
Charlotte
Oh wow! That was awesome! You should definatley write more poems. I would love to read more of your work.
Dani
Thank you great people of YWS for the lovely comments
and for all of you who had some confusion with the word "canescent"
Definitions of canescent:
adjective: covered with fine whitish hairs or down
adjective: grayish white
Example: "The canescent moon"
Voila mon amis lol
I really like it, your use of neon, and contrasting it with eternal darkness is very provokative! i absolutely love the flow, but i must say i agree about the last two lines, it might sound better with the
Neon brings,
“A deadly bite”
as
Neon brings a deadly bite.
i still really enjoyed it!
I agree, I'm not sure about the last few lines. They seemed a bit jerky, particularly the last two. But I did like the tone of the piece, and the neon. So keep the neon lol. Particularly love the last line of the second stanza: "Neon sets too much on sight." Awesome
Yeah, great poem. The flow/rhythm is good, as said above. The rhyming...ah, I don't know. Some rhyming parts just seem awkward.
Why is there a coma after 'brings'. That really utterly destroys the flow for me. The quotation marks also seem strange.
Is 'Canescent', meant to be 'Incandescent?
Ahh... but I like all the neons!
Nice work! Especially for the title. It really jumps out at you, like a title should.
Whatever this was meant to be, it's spelled wrong.
I don't like the questions, and the word "neon" could be cut out once. Otherwise - nice rhythm, sharp ending. I like it.
Wow, that was awesome. You have a great sense of rhythm and flow...
Or shall I speak of neon black?
That line just sticks out (In a good way)
thnx
Cool poem. I love the title.