Published December 1, 2005
As blood runs through my veins, I can hear the beating of my heart..
Chained to the voices I hear as I exhale,
Following the toughts that float around my mind. *I am Alive*
As the Silence whispers through my ears. I can feel the warmth,
Departing me, my body is cold as silence took away what was Mine..
I hear no voices I hear no Life... *I am Dead*
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hey thnx Chevy but I wasn't feeling comfertable by putting "" semicollons (or whatever you call them) Cuz that would sound a bit joke to..
I don't really care for the astericks. They seemed cheesy and made the poem a bit of a joke considering astericks is what most people us in instant message conversations such as *Jumps up and down* *sighs* or *falls out chair*
I like the emotion in this poem and as for the length, thank you for not running on.
Chevy's Critiquing Scale
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far right colon - excellent
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Thank you
much much better!
Good job, especially considering your age. It's short but zingy and it captures, which is good.
Indeed It would be better to make both the I am alive and I am dead part the same length. Two sentences , and than two again.
PS this is coockie
You misspelled "thoughts" as toughts." Change it.
Also, the poem looks formatted strangely. There's two lines for the first verse, but three lines for the next verse. Perhaps put "I am alive" in another line?
And I would get rid of the astericks. They seem a little needless.
"Aparting me" should be "Departing me." Apart isn't even a verb.
I made the changes you told me 2
As blood runs through my veins, I can hear the beating of my heart.. <<<<ONLY NEED 1 PERIOD!!! :p
Following the toughts that float around my mind.
*I am Alive* <<<< THERE IT IS!
As the Silence whispers through my ears. I can feel the warmth,
Aparting me, My body is cold as Silence took away my Life..
*I am Dead*
Nice.... I wouldn't capitalize the Silence in the second stanzas....
Aparting me would do good as DE-parting instead...
Don't capitalize the M in MY before body.
Nice... Short and Nice.