Published December 12, 2005
I won the lottery !! I chose lucky number seven,
too bad I didn't win a one-way ticket to heaven.
I did it !! I caught the biggest fish,
too bad it can't undo me and make me less foolish
I've done so many things in life,
some of them turned out to be an awfull surprise.
And I've realised, regretting the things I've done and felt,
isn't going to cause this bitter iceblock to melt
To take its awfull taste away,
marked on my tongue, and always here to stay
To show in my life the things I've done wrong
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141,252 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
well, yeah, this doesn't fit. i mean, it has a good meaning and all, but you didn't develop it well, nor did you use many poetic references. it didn't have a rhythm, either, so i can't say this is a very good poem.
though, on the bright side, it's a lot better than other things i've read.
a lot better.
I know you guys...It sucked jups it definniteley did I wasn't sure of it that's why I posted it Sometimes something you hate turns out to be something liked by others...NOT THIS TIME !!!
I agree... It really doesn't flow well. The first two stanzas sound like something out of Dr. Seuss (no offense) and are too lighthearted for the topic. I really like the idea you're trying to present, but you didn't quite pull it off here. I agree, the forced rhyming doesn't work. Also, the last line doesn't have a mate, so it ends on an odd beat...
Try doing a freewrite on the subject. Don't force any lines, just write what comes naturally to you. See how that turns out. Again, I really like the message, but the forced rhyming really distracts the reader from the meaning.
.... Augh... Where to begin?
I'm sorry but this was totally odd and... not fitting and... not... writefully right!
The first 2 lines seemed too long for each anotehr as well as the 3rd and 4rd one.
Forced rhyming and such... yuckish... I don't like forced rhyming unless you life is totally dependant on it.
You can do better, I'm sure of this. not the right poem to suit you... or the format no doubt.