I dare not flail the gap,
that lunatic missile
heading towards this body,
while numbered audiences
applaud and clap.
It may be fatal, it may be?
I dare not seek it,
that awkward fringe
concluding those triple hits.
I set afar, I flee.
Settle me, calm me down,
anxiety is my definition-
not written in your
insipid dictionary-
For I dare not speak
your rootless language.
Go ahead; question me,
figure me, trigger me
you never will.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I feel a lack of emotion, for instance, your talking about something be fatal, as in deadly (I'm assuming) how does that make you feel, how do you want to the reader to feel when they read this.
In that same line you say:
It sounds very forced there. Repeating yourself can be very effective in poems, but in this case, it doesn't work.
There is something there, you just need to work a little harder to find it. Just keep working on it.
Overall I found the poem very rigid, not much flow to it and there was not much imagery to carry the poem, it seems very text book as if you are going with what is not going to be faulted on its spelling or punctuation and this i think prevents the poem from having much life and leaving the reader with a strong message.
Firstly I'm not one to care or notice much about correct grammar but it is incorrect to say "anxiety's my definition" it should be "anxiety is my definition"
Still this is a good example of what i mean, its really well written but there is only mundane language been used and it seems like the word insipid is more like the want to use a verbose word than to actually convey a message in the poem.
I think maybe if you worry less about your structure and think longer about what message your delivering or what picture you think the reader may find in your work rather than worrying if a comma is where it should be.Then maybe you will find people will be more inclined to read your work where as i found in reading it I reached the end with not much thought about it instead of being left with feelings towards something.
I guess the summary of my critique would be, concentrate on your messages and imagery more than your structure and maybe try to convey more character in your work because none of you shines through in this poem.
Hm. I'm not sure I like this very much. I didn't really like the part about the dictionary. It seems likes its been used too much to be original.
There does seem to be a nice rhythm though.
I didn't like the second stanza too much. For some reason, you kind of lost me there. But I loved the ending. It's really good. Nice job and keep writing!