Published February 21, 2007
Curtains backed by windows, restraining
air to flow. Acceleration of movement inside,
nevertheless creating a fake substance.
Carpe Diem through encouraged abstractness,
yet curtains remain captivated by fastened windows.
A pure taste of benefit, the truth to justice
where all composures belong to an equal
–accentuated by eccentric digits–
Striving towards an open mind, footsteps lead
to the unaware perspective. Sever cases,
miraculous thoughts all belonging to the
"foreign exterior"
For the day windows fade and curtains open,
air shall seek its way through generosity.
The individual balance far known to be false;
the ethereal balance between?
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I'm not really connecting all of these things. Where do all these images go? What am I supposed to see? I wasn't able to visualize anything beyond the curtains. A lot of the phrases here are really complex, abstract metaphors which fail the poem. A few were especially difficult to understand, like "Acceleration of movement inside,/ nevertheless creating a fake substance." That sounds like it came out of a translator, it's so awkward. Say it simply but subtly and it'll be much more effective.
I got the curtains thing in the context of equilibrium, but what does equilibrium have to do with the rest of the poem?
Colleen
"restraining air to flow." - sounds clumsy to me.
"Carpe Diem trough encouraged abstractness," - do you mean "through".
"air shall seek its way trough generosity." - "through"?
K, this was alright, I didn't pick up muich from it but that was because I wasn't being very attentive. It sounds a bit fiddly in some places, I stumbled over the words in my head. Otherwise it was good.