They say there’s gold beyond the rainbow,
Beyond the liquid crystals.
I say our minds are driven,
Driven by our wicked sight.
I’ve seen beyond the rainbow,
It's colored black and grey.
The sound of harmful screeches,
Echoing between the nonexistence
Are they still willing to seek the gold?
No fear, of what is yet to unfold?
The fairies and mountains,
Grasshoppers and butterflies,
Fled over the rainbow,
And took their vow
They left behind a saying:
“Oh gold, where art thou?”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Actually...
Technically... it shouldn't be It's. This is one of those really weird things where regular grammar rules don't apply, so there actually is no apostrophe.
I do agree with EBM's second point though. 'Colo(u)red black and grey' does sound better.
All in all, I like the ideas presented by the poem. There doesn't seem to be any rhythm in the poem though, which is a shame - it makes it sound sort of stilted.
Another thing; if you're going to have rhyme within a poem, it's best to have it all the way through. I actually think this would work better without rhyme, sort of a free-write.
My favourite part? Here you go...
I like how you switch from third to first here. It's almost as though you, as the author, are questioning what 'they' are saying.
Just work on the rhythm, and see how it turns out.
--Kay
I like it a lot. I can only say that the line 'Echoing through nothingness' seems akward.
I agree, it does flow better. I like it. good job
not to bad. good imagery. I can't find too much wrong with it, so good job :p
i think its good, cant find any typos/spelling/grammar/punctuation/other errors. good job.
thnx electric
I've changed it a bit, hope it flows better, although I personally didn't think the flow was all that bad like that what you suggested about "Driven" I just left it like that
Greets
Yeah what he said, Other than that i'd have to say i like it alot.
Add a comma after rainbow. But...hmm, beyond the rainbow. I've never heard of beyond the rainbow.
It would flow better without 'driven'. Also, I think you should replace 'people's minds' with 'our minds'.
Its colors? Firsts of all, it should be It's, and second of all, it just doesn't sound good. Might I suggest 'Colored black and grey'.
Now you're rhyming all of a sudden? You shouldn't just burst into rhyme, since all the lines before these didn't. 'Decay' is also a pretty empty rhyme, it doesn't really make sense. The reader will also think that you just picked a random word that rhymed with grey.
Stil willing to seek the gold? Huh? What about, 'Still trying to find the gold?' or 'Still seeking the gold?' The next line is also a bit confusing.
This last line is...awesome. But add a comma after 'gold'.