I don’t know how to show you,
Don’t know how to tell you,
never let me put into words,
Just how I felt,
You always saw.
You don’t just look at me,
You see me.
You don’t just see me,
You read me.
You don’t just read me,
You feel me.
Can’t hide behind the camera,
Can’t hide behind the screen,
You always see it.
You see inside me,
Through my eyes,
The fears, the tears I tried to hide.
The words I said,
They didn’t make sense, but
You still heard me.
You.
It was you
who made my life make sense…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey
See you can write poems,
It has a very good rhythm although I agree with an earlier comment that you have overused the word 'you' a bit
Keep it up
Welcome to YWS. I'm Rick. I hope you enjoy the site as much as we all do. After you get 25 reviews, you can access the YWS chatroom and talk about any work you're doing, ask for crits for anything, ask anyone if they have something they want/need critted, and/or just hang out in and talk about your day. Before you post your own work, you need atleast two crits. I see that you've done thia. Good job! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions/concerns about anything.
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-Rick.
The crit: I really liked this. I love the rhythm and rhyming you used. I also love your chorus. I do want to point out some little off key mistakes and I'll fix them for you.
Try to use "Can't" in both lines. That'll get it on key.
Get rid of the "you" in the first sentence.
Other than that, good job. Keep up the good work.
-Rick.
I really like the poem overall; and feel that most points that I would've made have already been said.
Although I really don't think I like the repetition of
Quote:
You don’t just look at me,
You see me.
You don’t just see me,
You read me.
You don’t just read me,
You feel me.
I think it works the first time, but perhaps not so well the second?
I'm guessing the poem's about someone called 'you'.
Unique
This is ok to start with but it doesn't complement the next stanza at all.
You could cut all italicised words out...I really think they degrade it. Repitition is not worthwhile or original.
You've placed it again later in the poem but it looks ok because it isn't bundled up with another verse out of the blue.
There's something about this verse
Hope this helped
Peace V
I like it.
It explains some about myself,
When, In fact,
I din't write it..
A lot did start with "you"
But I feel it set a repition type of ordeal.
9/10
I think that the person before me pointed all the mistakes out. now it is pretty well done ^_^
First off, welcome to YWS!
Second off, you went way overboard on the "you"s. Practically every line starts with "you", yet I never really understood why I, the reader, should care about "You". Who is this "you" and why is he/she so special? You say this, but only in vague terms. I can't connect with the narrator's emotions because there's little for me to grab onto.
In order to express these feelings in a more interesting way, I'd think about "you" and a scene (real or imagined). Show us that scene and work your emotions into it with your word choice and metaphors.
On a secondary note, you don't need a punctuation mark at the end of every line either.
To end this positively, I think you had a bit of good imagery in this line:
Take the emotions behind this and try exploring them in a new way. Keep writing!