Young Writers Society

Hey

See you can write poems,

It has a very good rhythm although I agree with an earlier comment that you have overused the word 'you' a bit

Keep it up

Chanahbanana wrote:I don’t know how to show you,
Don’t know how to tell you,
You never let me put into words,
Just how I felt,
You always saw.

You don’t just look at me,
You see me.
You don’t just see me,
You read me.
You don’t just read me,
You feel me.

Couldn’t hide behind the camera,
Couldn’t hide behind the screen,
You always see it.
You see inside me,
Through my eyes,
The fears, the tears I tried to hide.
You don’t just look at me,
You see me.
You don’t just see me,
You read me.
You don’t just read me,
You feel me.

The words I said,
They didn’t make sense, but you,
You still heard me.
You.
It was you.
You who made my life make sense…

You don’t just look at me,
You see me.
You don’t just see me,
You read me.
You don’t just read me,
You feel me.

Couldn’t hide behind the camera,
Couldn’t hide behind the screen,

They didn’t make sense, but you,
You still heard me.

I really like the poem overall; and feel that most points that I would've made have already been said.

Although I really don't think I like the repetition of

Quote:
You don’t just look at me,
You see me.
You don’t just see me,
You read me.
You don’t just read me,
You feel me.


I think it works the first time, but perhaps not so well the second?

I'm guessing the poem's about someone called 'you'.


Unique

You don’t just look at me,
You see me.
You don’t just see me,
You read me.
You don’t just read me,
You feel me.

Couldn’t hide behind the camera,
Couldn’t hide behind the screen,
You always see it.
You see inside me,
Through my eyes,
The fears, the tears I tried to hide.
You don’t just look at me,
You see me.
You don’t just see me,
You read me.
You don’t just read me,
You feel me

The words I said,
They didn’t make sense, but you,
You still heard me.
You.
It was you.
You who made my life make sense…

I like it.

It explains some about myself,
When, In fact,
I din't write it..
A lot did start with "you"
But I feel it set a repition type of ordeal.
9/10

I think that the person before me pointed all the mistakes out. now it is pretty well done ^_^

First off, welcome to YWS!

Second off, you went way overboard on the "you"s. Practically every line starts with "you", yet I never really understood why I, the reader, should care about "You". Who is this "you" and why is he/she so special? You say this, but only in vague terms. I can't connect with the narrator's emotions because there's little for me to grab onto.
In order to express these feelings in a more interesting way, I'd think about "you" and a scene (real or imagined). Show us that scene and work your emotions into it with your word choice and metaphors.

On a secondary note, you don't need a punctuation mark at the end of every line either.

To end this positively, I think you had a bit of good imagery in this line:

Couldn’t hide behind the camera,
Couldn’t hide behind the screen,