Published May 1, 2008
Butterflies fly
Around , around,
Up and down
With a silent screech.
Lips stretch wide
With creaking edges.
Teeth gleaming.
Cheeks sore.
Eyes glaze,
Matching the smile.
Reflecting the thoughts;
The feelings.
Heart racing
Adrenaline rushing;
Total excitement--
Just to see your face.
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
awwwww ^.^
Tis tres coote =]
Kawaii!
It sums up everything you feel, its really good =]]
I love it, Eva XxXxX
I can see every ones already corrected your Grammar.so besides that o LOVE it.
You really used nice adjectives.
Haha yeah lol
thanks! i think it goes better..(:
thank you .. x
Hey, I noticed you changed the title! I like it better now
Wish you luck!
Oooh... I actually liked this! My first thought was "Oh no, butterflies, this can't be good" but it was!
It's simple, not many words in it, but still it's satisfying.
Nice ending as well, but the title was kind of corny.
Keep doing your best!
Demeter
Thanks a lot..will correct the mistakes and try and improve !
i actually agree, vernon, i didn't know what i should put for the name and a friend suggested it to me lol
will be changed to something more suitable..
thank you all
Very expressive, but what it about? That's all I don't get. It's all fine and well having such great imagery. But if meaning not clear it's void. The title inner beauty but it doesn't seem to come into this. Just doesn't have discernible meaning.
Overall: Great imagery, no clear meaning.
Good luck
VSN
Nice use of imagery but just a few things to comment on...
Perhaps a semi-colon after 'racing' and a colon after 'rushing' would make this flow better - both the 'heart racing' and the 'adrenaline rushing', (i think you forget to add the 'e' on the end here), lead to the idea of 'total excitement'.
Aside from that, well done.
I agree with lex. You added a lot of expression into your poem. A few things, though.
The "sparkle" part sound too corny. Please don't take this so literally but sparkle makes it seem weak because it is kind of like one of those cliché terms, at least in my opinion. Maybe try substituting it with glaze. "Sparkle" is just too weak.
Adrenaline has an E at the end. I also think you should put a comma after "heart racing."
Else than that it is, I repeat, quite expressive.
Hope this helps,
- Summerless
very expressive!I like it!