Young Writers Society

How To Write a Novel

In a search on Google, it reveals 33,200,000 websites on “How To Write an Novel”. Based on theory, you can write thirty-three million novels based on these tutorials – but you know you can’t. In this wild and perplexing world, who can you trust?

ME. Can’t you trust a person who has never written a novel, but has a perfectly logical standpoint on writing? Can’t you trust a person who has the “intelligence” to write this “superb” essay? Actually, writing isn’t difficult – with this tutorial, and little practice, you can write a novel as well as Stephen King! (Well, I hate Stephen King because I’m better than him.) If you’re already inspired, you’ll ascend to the heights of fame! If you’re not, you’ll be flying up any moment! Not interested? You will be! Just follow some simple tips – and you’ll be a prolific writer!

Things you’ll need:

An adaptive mind

A serious writer look

A lack of money – If you have enough funds for the family, you won’t write with motivation. Also, you’ll gain more supporters.

Computer/pen/pencil/crayon/chalk/sand/sword/blood – You need something to write with, no matter how poor you are.

On Inspiration – Inspiration is the most important part of any form of art. In Greek thought, inspiration meant that the poet or artist would go into ecstasy - the divine frenzy or poetic madness. (Okay, that was stretching it a bit.) So how can you get inspiration, you ask? The main point is - observe all around you.

Let’s say, one day, you get picked out to be kicked by a school bully. Look around you –the school bully could symbolize the tyranny of many leaders throughout the ages. The running children can symbolize the mob psychology hidden in their inner consciousness. And you symbolize the victim of society, the outcast. This could be the beginning of a novel, if your brain is not damaged in the assault.

Try this creative process wherever you go – in your room, watching television, going to the toilet, going to school, etc. etc. The only places you should avoid doing this is in Assembly or in classes, especially PE. Your creative flow can come to a halt by a prefect or teacher punishes you for daydreaming. Also, remember this point: when you get inspiration, shout a loud “Ah!” This phrase is easily customizable, such as, “Ah! Sweet inspiration is flowing through my veins!” To show off your genius, you can practice it ten times in the mirror everyday and make the phrase as florid as possible. You can easily attract attention that way.

On Writing – Once you get your sweet inspiration by looking at a picture by Marcel Duchamp, you stare at a blank piece of paper. What do you write? What do you say? What do you want to express? How can you please the editor? How can you feed your family? Worry no more, as there is an easy way to secure a book deal.

Spit Out a Good Genre There are only a few themes worth looking at. Political satire works really well with sophisticated speech. (Fahrenheit 911) Romantic writing is excellent, providing that you are not married (Romeo and Juliet). One thing I like about Science Fiction and Adventure Stories is that you can’t go terribly wrong – you’ll be hailed as “creative”. (Look around this book – it’s terribly full of them.) Keep this in mind – follow the crowd. Writing is less a form of expression than a money-maker.

Cook up a good title The first few words you write should be your title, or working title, if you change it. Firstly, you can steal from different literary works. Classics are obviously the best as they have elegant titles. For example, Pride and Prejudice could be changed into different variations: Prejudice and Pride, The Pride of Prejudice, The Prejudice of Pride, Pride is Prejudice, The Uncanny Alliteration of Prejudice and Pride Shows Racial Differences, and so on. This could bring an enormous amount of ideas in an extremely short phase of time. If you are scared of committing plagiarism you can always provide a French or Latin translation.

If you cannot think of a good title to begin with, you can always work with self-made titles. Untitled, for example, is a very good working title to begin with, as one cannot go out of focus. Go, Young Writer, GO! is also a perfect title to begin with. I Am Better Than J.K. Rowling is another example.

Write in a sophisticated manner Writing in a sophisticated manner brings benefits to the audience, the writer and the publisher in one go. Using “advanced” writing will let your readers think you are ten times cleverer than them and have superb ideas. For example, in James Joyce’s highly-acclaimed work Finnegan’s Wake, he presents this sentence, “O here here how hoth sprowled met the duskt the father of fornicationists but, (O my shining stars and body!) how hath fanespanned most high heaven the skysign of soft advertisement!” Readers will not understand a word that you are writing, but at least you have captivated their imagination. Also, to attract more attention, use more archaic and uncommon adjectives so that everyone is dazzled by your marvelous vocabulary. This can be effortlessly achieved using a complex thesaurus.

On Publishing – Once a novel is done, you must publish it – or what is it for? A step or two may define your success…

Advertise To Others Once you finish, you should read your piece to many other people, regardless if they think you as annoying. This can lead to more money and a larger fan base – and it will take only from a few minutes to an hour. Talk to the bus driver the next time you go on a bus, and offer to have a whole book-reading in front of him for free (and you might get the journey for free too). When the Discipline Teacher punishes you for writing the book in Assembly, offer to copy the whole book for him to read as punishment. Distribute pamphlets advertising it, and leave a coupon for a 90% discount. Writing is not an art – it’s a business, so don’t be scared!

The Papyrus Scale Using a scale I have devised, you can calculate the success of your novel by the amount of your rewards:

None

Money

Money and Fame

More Money and Fame

Even More Money and Fame

The more money and fame you get, the more successful your novel is. Isn’t that what everyone is caring about?

Conclusion - A final word to the reader: the road to being a writer is not easy, except for the writing part. You will be almost certainly annoyed by pestering agents, your parents’ pride of having a writer in the family, and tenacious fans trying to look at your daily habits or give you mass amounts of chocolate when you’re keeping fit. Have confidence in yourself – everyone has the knowledge to become a writer, but less have the perseverance to ignore the distractions.