Prologue

Hey, chrisevo98 with a review.
Let's get right into it.

With the first paragraph you use "It burnt," and, "They burnt," I'm presuming that the pronouns refer to her lungs. "It" is singular, whereas "They" is plural, so its not very consistent. Perhaps just get rid of the first sentence.

There should be a comma in in the second sentence of the second paragraph in between "... stop, pleading..."
in the next sentence "slow" should be so. In the same sentence "begging and pleading" is used again and is a bit repetitive, perhaps use "... praying for the Goddess..."
"... she needed to just make it..." You don't need the word, just, it is a little empty.
"Her legs were weakening as she tried to breathe through the impending attack on her lungs," You use the word "impending," which means something is about to happen (its in the future), so why are her legs already weakening, perhaps a better word to use would be "unrelenting."
"... and by the grace of gods she continued onward with the blood and weakness that lying in wait in the darkness of her insides." This sentence is a bit confusing and I don't really know what you are trying to say, try rephrasing it.

"Another guard fell from her lax grip as crimson life slides down her already drenched hands." The first half of the sentence implies that she had him in a choke-hold or similar but the second half implies that he bled to death (perhaps through a stab wound?) and in that case why would she be holding him?
"she ignores the memories of the reason for the burn in her lungs and she ignores the memories of smoke billowing into her lungs as she struggles to find freedom in the collapsed passages." with this sentence, you should get rid of the first part entirely, it just makes the sentence long and repetitive. Also "billowing into her lungs..." billowing is usually used for something billowing out, not in, I would suggest changing it to "filling her lungs,' or something similar.

"Tucked into his sash was a white and piece of silk," you don't need the word 'and'.

The last two chapters have no problems.

This was fairly well written, although perhaps try using shorter sentences and paragraphs, it makes it easier for the reader.

Hey there ChaeBou55, Firefly here for a review!

First of all, welcome to YWS! Glad you could join our fun, friendly community! Remember, the more you review the more reviews you'll get!

Alright, now to get down to "brass tax," as it were:

—#000080 ">(Blue words) in parentheses represent my personal comments,
—Anything #00BF00 ">green is a correction to spelling/grammar/punctuation/etc.,
—And #FF0000 ">red words that are struck out should be removed, as they are either repetitive or unnecessary.

Alright, let's get started!

It #00BF00 ">burned. With every #00BF00 ">breath of chilled #000080 ">(I'm not sure about this word. Maybe use "cold" instead?) air her lungs ached more and more. They #00BF00 ">burned like the fires of hell were lit in their pits and were slowly consuming her from the inside out.

She continued onward. She could feel her body begging her to stop#00BF00 ">, pleading with her to rationalize this idiotic scheme #000080 ">(Scheme? I'm not sure what you mean here; are her lungs/body plotting against her?) to be free once more. She was #00BF00 ">so close and so she urged her body forward #FF0000 ">begging and pleading #000080 ">(These words are repetitive here) with the goddess to grant her the strength she needed to just make it to the shores. Her legs were weakening as she tried to breathe through the impending attack on her lungs and by the grace of gods she continued onward with the blood and weakness that lying in wait in the darkness of her insides #000080 ">(The darkness of her insides? Are you talking about bodily organs or something more? Try rephrasing this last sentence as it's somewhat confusing).

Another guard fell from her lax grip as crimson life slides down her already drenched hands. Behind her lay a path of desolation painted as red as the dawn skies. Pressing on from her latest slaughter she ignores the memories of the reason for the burn in her lungs and she ignores the memories of smoke billowing into her lungs as she struggles to find freedom in the collapsed passages. One by one the poorly trained guards fall to her prowess and before her stands the docks where she had first entered this land as a teenage girl #000080 ">(OK, she's been in a fight, and I'm going to assume we'll find out why soon. But the docks where she was a teenage girl? I'm sensing a past here, but I have no explanation. Was she a slave? An assassin?). Her eyes trace the line of dark ships until they finally land on a shining beacon of hope that had never seemed more beautiful to her than in that solitary moment. The ship was much larger in comparison to the other surrounding it and compared to their dark woods this ship practically glowed. The nearly white wood was decorated with sparkling blue jewels that gleamed in the midday sun. Tall men and woman were moving on and off the ship loading the cargo #000080 ">(Tall as in giants? If not, then it's highly likely every person on the ship would be tall, unless our heroine is unusually short).

One man catches her eye and she slides to her knees with tears budding in her eyes. He stood taller than most with strawberry blonde hair pulled into a bun at the nape of his neck. Around his waist was an annoyingly vibrant yellow sash that he tied in an obnoxious knot that was not quite straight. His surprisingly dark hazel eyes are quiet and observant as he watches over the men and women loading her belongings that she was supposedly 'sending' home for safe keeping. Tucked into his sash was a white and piece of silk with blue embroidery in the shape of a phoenix. His eyes turn in her direction for just a moment before hastily turning back to her. Without a word the tall man jumps over the edge of the ship and sprint down the platform toward her startling the soldiers. They turn before outrage overtakes their expressions. His legs stall right before her and she grins wearily up at him. "Ivan…" With a soft sigh she allows the darkness lurking in her mind to overcome her and falls forward into him.

"Minae…Minae Briony please answer me?! Estina, nos linquer tatim!" The soldiers hurry about finishing their tasks as quickly as possible so they can do as Magi Bunin said and depart immediately. They watch in horror as he brings their bruised and beaten Reco #000080 ">(Whoa, a foreign language AND a foreign term? This all seems just tossed out there, with no explanation as to what a "Reco" is or what "nos linquer tatim" means, and that can throw a reader off base) on board the ship. As he passes he asks, once again in their native tongue, for the healer to follow him. The soldiers follow the warrior with their gaze as he, holding their Reco delicately to his chest, walks across the ship and below the decks. Slowly his white uniform is becoming stained with the crimson of her life. Fear and loath burns deeply in each of their hearts as they curse the very person, man or woman, who did such a thing to such a vibrant and beautiful picture #000080 ">(Careful not to paint your characters as too perfect; that turns readers away as well) of strength and perseverance. They swear mutually, to themselves, that when given the chance they would avenge their injured leader with their lives if need be.