A Walk though the Park

the story was good and it had a alice in wonderland feel and the only thing was the story was a little hard to follow so can you clear it up a little

GryphonFledgling wrote: 'Green Eggs and Ham' rather than 'I am Sam.'

Ahead of him was a huge brick wall with a gate that seemed to very large park.

Sweet! Thank you for takeing the time to edit this. I've changed a lot of stuff in it, if someone finds something that needs to be changed please tell me. Oh and I had to leave the sneeze in there, I think it added to the stupidity of the story.

This was interesting. The whole time I was trying to figure out what was going on. Was it a dream? April Fool's Day? I couldn't figure it out. Great ending.

Katharsis pointed out pretty much every error I noticed. Though, I was thinking 'Green Eggs and Ham' rather than 'I am Sam.' Oh well, different impressions, I suppose.

Yeah, with the repeated o's, I would delete them. You can get the same impression with a single o instead of the long repeated o, and it just looks a little better.

It's funny how it turns out that Sam is a little boy. In the very beginning, when Sam is being paranoid and all that, I thought that he was a man. I didn't even consider him being a little boy until you mention it a few paragraphs down. Perhaps you might want to make his age clear earlier so that the reader isn't confused.

But I liked this. It has an air of Lewis Carrol or something, with the strangely eccentric characters. With the corrections Katharsis pointed out, I think this could be a great piece of work. It's quiet amusing and clever.

~GryphonFledgling

Chadwick wrote:A Walk through the Park
Chadwick



Someone is watching me! Sam walked a little faster as he turned the corner. Oops Sam thought as he ran right into a short fat man eating a sandwich. “Sorry” Sam mumbled as he flew by. Just because I have never been to this side of town doesn’t mean everyone is watching me. Sam looked up at the street sign Pin avenue, where am I? "Pin Avenue", it's a proper noun. Treat it like one.

Ahead of him was a huge brick wall with a gate that appeared to be leading to fairly large park. I think this is a weak sentence, 'appeared to be' throws uncertainty onto it. It appears to lead there, but it might not! A 'fairly' large park makes me wonder if you yourself are certain how big this park is. I'd make it more concrete. He hurried past the gates and was or [insert comma] welcomed by the lush green trees and plants. The park, with its high walls and soothing plants made him fill safe, at rest, peaceful.

He sat down on a red painted bench to watch the sun come up. 'Painted' doesn't sit well for me. I'd reword the sentence. Last night [s]a[/s] when he was going to bed, he [s]had[/s] made a promise to try to talk to people because he was very shy but wanted to be more outgoing. There must be some nice people around here he thought. A little old lady came walking up to him [insert comma] mumbling something about a door. He politely asked her what she was talking about. Excitedly, she poured out her troubles about doors. He soon learned that she thought she was a door!

“I would love not to be a door, but a door is exciting. I mean, people open and shut doors all the time. Doors can be so fun you know. I’m a red door but I like green doors better. They seem easier to get along with….” The old lady rambled on and on about how her father was a rich English door that married a French door from Europe. “That’s why I’m a door. But my wood is chipping and the paint is peeling. So I guess I will have to go to the painter.”

The quite stunned little boy thought about this for awhile. If she thought she was a door, there was [s]something defiantly[/s] definitely something wrong with her. These were the people he had tried to avoid, but [s]sense[/s] since he [s]had[/s] promised himself to be more [s]out going[/s] outgoing, he politely asked her, “Do you have people go through you often?”

“Oh, yes, here comes someone now.” She spread out her arms, which made her look a little more like a door, and held her thumb straight up. A guy walked up, pressed on her thumb, and stood there like he was waiting for something. Then, out of nowhere, chimes started ringing! She looked up, her green eyes flashed, and she said, “Who is it?”

“Mailman,” came the reply. The man looked to be in his mid 30’s but Sam didn’t know. “I see you have gotten a new door bell.”

“Yes, I like it very much. Do you have a package for me?”

“Yep, let me go get it.” The mailman ran off and returned with a man crawling beside him. The guy had mud all over him and had a goofy grin.

“Meow! Meow!” The muddy man said.

“My Dog!” The woman runs to the “dog” and scratches his back. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You just changed to present tense. This is what you want: 'The woman ran to the "dog" and scratched his back.'

OK, this is sooooooooo weird, thought Sam, I must ask why the “dog” meows. But before he could ask, the three had walked off and were playing catch with the dog. Sam then noticed another man coming. “What is your name?” Sam boldly asked.

“Sam”, came the reply “What is yours?”

“Sam.” Sam answered. He HAD to find some meds. Things [s]where[/s] were getting too weird. Just as Sam turned to leave [insert comma] the man started throwing a fit! I've been told to be careful about using exclamation marks out of conversation. It seems like you're telling your reader what to be surprised about, instead of actually making them surprised. Can you imagine how boring a story would seem if it constantly ended sentences with exclamation marks! Gosh! That would be so silly! Don't you think!? Just be careful with it. I don't overly mind, I'm finding this to be entertaining, but being finnicky, I thought I'd share.

”Noooooooooooooooooooooo! I’m Sam, Sam I am.” The man yelled. I ignored the 'sooooooooooo' thing, but this repeated use of letters is irritating me.

“Yes I know! See, my name is Sam too!”

“No, it is not! I am SAM! Sam I am, I am, I AM!…..

Sam knew that he was getting [s]no where[/s] nowhere, so he hurriedly slipped past the man and ran right into Miss Door! “Excuses me.” Sam said[insert comma] trying to get past her, but she would block his path wherever he moved! This reminded him of a crowded mall[insert comma] everywhere he went there was someone already there.

Sam was [s]a bought[/s] about to cry when remembered that she was a door, or so she said, so he rung the ‘door bell.’ To his astonishment she moved so he could get through! Scooting past he [s]quickly he[/s] If he's running, then 'quickly' is a useless adjective. ran to the other side of the park and leaned against a tree. Trying to calm down[insert comma] he began staring at green, calm, relaxing trees. He was watching a man do his exercise, and then it dawned on him that this man was a little weird too! This man wasn’t exercising[insert comma] [s]![/s] [s]H[/s]he was running around with his arms spread out like an airplane!

With his head back and his knees bent the man yelled, “I’m flying over the plains of Africa. I’m like a bird in the sky! I weigh no less than an apple! I knew, I knew I could Fly! Yippee!” The man yelled so loud that Sam was sure everyone in the park could hear him. The man demonstrated how much he weighed by jumping up and a bench and throwing himself into the air. Sadly the laws of gravity hadn’t changed and what went up… came down. Sam watched as the man landed on the ground in what must have been position even a contortionist couldn’t get in. Sam ran over to the man. “Are you ok?,” Sam asked.

“Me? Yes… Yes, of course! I’m ok!” the man jumped up, did a victory dance, and ran away.

”I must find a way out of [s]hear[/s] here”, thought Sam as he looked around. A police man! Sam ran towards the police man. “Can you help me?”

“Yes,” answered the man, ”but you must find me a plain board.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m just plain board!” The man started laughing hysterically. “When ever I’m bored I must have a board. I jump on it.

“I can’t accept that!” Sam said than sighed ”Where can I find a board? I wish everything would just quit.” Sam looked around Miss. Door was still playing with her dog, The mad man was still jumping up and down and the police man just looked at Sam with a blank expression. Ok I can deal with this. My mom always said something that has helped me many times past, I just can’t remember it! Was it penny saved is a penny earned? No... OH! Doors of a feather flock together! Ok where did that come from? First of all doors don’t have feathers and doors don’t flock together… or do they? It takes one to know one; perhaps Miss Door would know how to get back out of here. Sam looked around where is a door when you need one? Sam walked back to he police man. “Have you seen Miss umm, Miss err Door?”

“Yea,” he answered, “she is over at the fountain”

Sam walked in the direction the man pointed. The fountain was surrounded by a row of hedges. As Sam moved closer he began to hear the splash of the fountain and the smell of fresh water. Beside the fountain stood Miss Door mesmerized by the water. Sam sneezed hoping to catch her attention but she kept staring at the fountain. Sam can sneeze on will?“Miss err Door, are you ok?" She slowly turned towards Sam

“I guess,” she said sighing, “My mom loved water…” she trailed off as if she couldn’t talk about it anymore Then just when Sam thought she was going to cry she [s]straitened[/s] straightened her shoulders and smiled. “What can I do for you?”

Sam stared at her trying to find the words he [s]wonted[/s] wanted to say “I wondered… well first how do I get out of here?”

“Why do you wont to leave?” The lady asked.

“Well… I’m not exactly used to all this... all this action. I’m sorry but where I come from people are not doors, people, can not fly, policeman are helpful and dogs don’t meow.” Sam waited for her to get mad but she didn’t. She laughed!

“Ahh Sam, perhaps we are a little strange to you but you must remember it’s not what is on the outside it’s what’s in the inside.” She smiled. “C’mon, I’ll show you the gate.” As she guided Sam along the path she talked about her mother (the French door) and how that she would never be the same since she died. Sam just listened politely. Soon they came to the gate that Sam had been looking for. Above it was the inscription PIN MENTAL HOME FOR THE HOMELESS. Sam gawked at the sign MENTAL HOME!? This was the last place he had wanted to be! How did I get here? Sam walked past the gate but something still tugged at his heart, he turned around in time to see Miss Door wave.

“By the way, dear,” Miss Door smiled. “I’m Lydia”

“I’m… I’m Sam” and he grinned.