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Forgive Me

by Cflorence21


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Forgive Me,

I know I'm annoying,

Sometimes my mouth moves faster than my thoughts.

I don't mean to be such a bother,

Being accepted is something I long for.

Forgive Me,

It's hard to get past my depression,

to be the person that belongs in the crowd.

Anxiety is a bitch,

It's something that nawhs at me everyday.

So please forgive me,

being normal is not in the cards for me.  

Poems aren't my strong point.  This probably doesn't make sense but your reviews are still greatly appreciated!!


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35 Reviews


Points: 2075
Reviews: 35

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Wed Jun 28, 2017 5:50 pm
RishabhParmar wrote a review...



Hi,

Nicely done. I know it is a piece written directly from your heart. I appreciate the feeling. Great work mate. Words speak better, when you feel them. you thoughts are clear and your poem speaks for you. you mentioned a line twice, "Forgive me". I felt it. There is rule in poetry the more you feel, the better you write. You felt it correctly. "I know I am annoying" You used this line appropriately. You knew the places to fit every line. I respect that. When I read such pieces i learn alot. It is a good piece. I am feeling good after realizing the lines you wrote in your balladry. We all go though this face. It is very very heart touching. I love it. Keep writing such poems. You are going great. Keep it up!

:)




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1080 Reviews


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Sun Jun 25, 2017 1:03 am
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

The first aspect of this poem that I wanted to touch on is the fact that almost every line is capitalized. Not all of them are, such as the eighth or the twelfth lines. This is something that I wanted to point out for not only consistency, but for the fact that I'm wondering why you've chosen to make this stylistic choice. It's most definitely your choice in that you can do what you want with the aesthetic and overall look of the poem, though I don't understand why you'd do this.

An explanation, at least for me would help understand why you've chosen to do this, even if it's as simple as you thought it looked nice, because stylistic choices can be made for that exact reason. The capitalization of each line doesn't have to represent the theme or have to mean something big, but if you're going to use it that way, I'm going to ask why.

I'm also going to suggest that you decapitalize 'me' in the first line, though for the most part that's a small nitpick. Jumping deeper into the actual content of the poem, this is a piece that feels to be used for the purpose of being theraputic? At least, that's how I found the poem to be. A place to vent for the speaker. 'Nawhs' in the third to last line should be spelled 'gnaws', a small grammar error. A grammar checker could help avoid that for the most part, though it's beneficial to learn how to proofread. I'd like to see more detail here for the most part.

That's the main aspect of the poem that I thought needed fixing. There's talk of anxiety and depression, though just mentioning those words isn't enough to get the reader to feel them. I suggest setting up more of the tone or the atmosphere to do this with imagery or other forms of poetic devices to show what this anxiety and depression feels like. I also wanted to briefly bring up the ending, which is also something that I found to be a little weak. This is mainly the last two lines that I'm talking about here. I'm not a large fan of how they both end in 'me' since it's a little repetitive.

Not only that, but it suggests that there's a 'normal'. This may be more of a personal opinion, but I'm not a fan of poems that introduce that there's a normal and that people with anxiety or depression are immediately outcasts. People with anxiety or depression can live normal lives and don't have to be sad or anxious all the time. It's not a single defining trait, and I don't think you meant it to seem that way. The last line, 'being normal is not in the cards for me' rubs me the wrong way, though that may not be the same for everyone! I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant to get across, but in a way I felt that in the message of the poem.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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Sun Jun 11, 2017 6:29 pm
myjaspercat wrote a review...



Hey there Cflorence21,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review

Forgive Me, I would leave off the comma here or replace it with a period, it would make the statement 'forgive me' much stronger.
I know I'm annoying,
Sometimes my mouth moves faster than my thoughts. I like this, but I feel like you could find an even better image to express this exact same thought.
I don't mean to be such a bother,
Being accepted is something thatI long for.
Forgive Me, Same suggestion as the first time.
It's hard to get past my depression,
to be the person that belongs in the crowd.
Anxiety is a bitch, Yes it is. But, why don't you give us an example on how it is.
It's something that nawhsgnaws at me everyday.
So please forgive me,
being normal is not in the cards for me.  


Ok, so before I go over this poem as I whole I wanted to say a few things. One, this poem makes a lot of sense [at least it does for me] so don't worry about that. Besides every reader will look at the same piece of work and see something just slightly different then the last reader. Second, I feel like I could connect with you throughout this poem, which is a good thing. You're right, this poem isn't necessarily 'strong' but it's something about you and it expresses how you feel and sometimes that could be strong enough. I completely understand what you're going through and I have sympathy for you, if you ever need to talk to someone, feel free to message me. Anyway, that said, lets go over your piece so we could step it up a notch.

First, I learned this a long time ago, but you don't always want to capitalize the word every time you hit enter. The reason behind this is simple. One, you're not starting a new sentence with each line, and if you were to write this out like a poem, you wouldn't have random capitalized words in the middle, so why would you have them here. Yes, this is poetry, but just like prose, poetry does follow a few rules [most of which can be broken] but they're still there. Second, if you capitalize every line, it could become a little straining on the eyes.

Next, you do not have to add punctuation to every line. Sometimes having nothing there is better then feeling like you need to add a comma or a period or whatever it is you want to use. Remember that every time you put a piece of punctuation, your reader stops for a breath [either short or long] and all those breaths could eventually start to lag your piece. Sometimes there are moments in the work where you need to speed something up and when you have a comma it does just the opposite.

Other then that, I would say that you should work on describe your feelings rather then telling them. Giving us imagery could have such a stronger impact then telling us how you feel or how something makes you feel. We [as your readers] want to connect with you and while we can do that on a surface level, sometimes it takes more to do connect deeper.

Anyway, good luck. I hope I helped in one form or another. Continue writing and never give up. ---Myjaspercat.





There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.
— Maya Angelou