What she knows about you.
You walk into her room, armored with your weapon.
Her eyes open in surprise, but not fear.
Not fear because she knows.
She know that you are...
Infallible.
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139,462 Literary Works • 672,568 Reviews
Hello there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
So let me start off by saying that this is a very interesting story. Not necessarily because of the actual story, which I like, but because of the layout of the story. It almost reminds me of a poem the way you wrote this.
First off, I'd like to point out that bullets aren't really used in short stories. I know that you have the awesome writing skills to take the same information and put it into a sentence or a paragraph. There's really no need for the bullets. The bullets also break the flow of the story. You always want to have sentences and words that flow together and are easy to read.
I also think that this is a bit too short. There is so much more that I want to know! Since you're writing in second person, I'm going to say that we, the readers, are what you're focusing on. Why are we going to see this girl in the first place? Why do we have a weapon? Why do we want to stab her? Maybe you wanted to keep all this a mystery. I don't know, I didn't write it. But in my opinion, there's just a bit too much missing from this story.
I am super impressed though, that you wrote this in second person POV. Not very many people, myself included, would even attempt a story in second person. It's hard to really connect with the audience and get them to truly believe that they are a part of the story. But in this short amount of story, you've convinced me that I'm part of the story. When I was reading this, I imagined myself doing everything that you described. Which is kind of weird just because I wouldn't really do anything like that. Good job with the POV!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey there. I'm here to review!
From here, I want to say wow. Wow. This list is interesting. Istead of oplacing this story in general, you should place it in fantasy.
Okay, this was extremely short, but I believe you intended for it to be that way? Yes. It's a good story for such a short one, and you feel the emotions captivated by the story. I have so many questions! Like, what is this about? What is the girl? Why is she willing to die?
There are no grammar mistakes or spelling mistakes.
I liked this story!! I really did. It captivated me.
~ Nike
PM me for anything!
Hello, this is a really interesting story which awesome means I actually spent about one minute to figure out what was going on. I don't know what to say about this story, I was suspended between confusion and amazement. This whole story is a puzzling oxymoron on its own, the end contrasting with the start sharply yet still relating to it, now that is one epic story.
Though I would say, this was more like a prose than a short story.
I liked that beginning, it reels the readers in as it proposes the question. Who is she? What does she know? Is simple, but it works.
Walk should be walked, since you used armored which is past tense.
The ending baffled me, she knows that you are infallible does that mean she knows you are going to kill her? But she seems immortal but you're never wrong. What? .___.
Well, maybe you can enlighten me as to what was happening but I think this is overall a very good story, though a bit vague it is very well-written.
Kudos.
-Laure
Hey! BitterRosemary here to give you a review!
Hey, first thing, I want to congradulate you on writing one of the first poem that actually confused me for awhile. The metaphor and imagery in this poem in this poem may be obvious to you, but it is extremely confusing for the average writer, which is one of my criticisms.
But in other news, INCREDIBLE.
This is an amazing poem not just because of its complexity and unique format but because of
the complexity or unexpected format, but because of the plot twist at the end of the poem, that leaves it open to so many different interpretations.
I love the fact that "she" seems to meet her match in this poem, and it knocks her down a peg, and makes her afraid.
The line "she is aware of your mortality"
clashes with
"she know you are...
Infallible"
and it creates a beautiful dissonance that may people don;t understand but I appreciate. Good work.
8 out of 10.
Thanx!
Never stop writing!
BitterRosemary