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Daughter of a Victim (Lighter Version)

by CeruleanBlaze

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.


(A/N: Okay so again, I have two takes on this, a more gloomy one and a more light hearted on (this one). I've got the idea, but I'm just not sure where to start with it. If you have time, I'd love it if you take a peek at the other one as well :3) 

I wasn't a cold heartless bitch, really I wasn't. I just didn't get what exactly was happening.


I never really had any responsiblities back then, I mean, what 9 year old girl does? In fact, of all of the important things I could have been doing, I was scrunitizing myself in the mirror, trying to figure out if one eyebrow was higher than the other, when the gunshots fired.


Of course, being clever and oh so brainy, I dismissed it as fireworks the creepy household next door was lighting up. I was nearing a decision concerning my eyebrows when my aunt charged in, without knocking, may I add, looking as pale as a ghost. It really didn't sit nicely with her features.


Though the police came and went, reporters came and went, nothing really touched me. Sure, there were yellow DO NOT CROSS labels all around our house and a mysterious shade of red stain just outside our front gate, but to me, people just don't die like that. Especially fathers who'd been seen just a few hours ago.


It seems that in some unwritten universal book, one is suppose to be either drenched in tears or clad in black after a death of a beloved. I was on my pink clad bed, dressed in my rainbow jammies and sorting through my bucket of stuffed animals. People had came and went, in masses of snot and tears as if their own father had died yet I stayed oblivious to the commotion downstairs and was hellbent on getting the tangles out of my pony's hair.


Then, before I knew it, that was already 5 years ago. I've got a new face, new heart, a new place in the world and a hell of a lot more clothes.


But there was that small, nagging feeling that kept me awake at night. Who was he really? Why was he the target? Newspaper clippsing filled my insatiable hunger for the knowledge and the facts finally begin to settle.


Apparently, he was one of those people who are suppose to dwell in shadows and frankly, make the world a crappy place. Apparently he was a gang member. My very own soft, tea loving father who woke up with a big bear yawn with the very same tuff of hair that stuck up in the mornings.


One newsgroup even had the guts to skillfully convince the readers that even our dogs were god-awful and threatening.


So I sit here trying to discreetly pull on your heartstrings, bribing pity out of you. In all honesty, this should be written in gloom and doom. Humor isn't a great match for topics like targeted murders. In fact, when I say that “Well, actually, he's dead,” with a small giggle on my lips, I get concerned stares and nonchalant suggestions of seeing a therapist.


Though totally (most likely) sane, this is like an itch that can be soothed by any amounts of scratching. Maybe after a few pages filled with mad scribbling of each and every small detail I still remeber of him, I'd become itchless again.  

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1232 Reviews

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Reviews: 1232

Thu Feb 17, 2022 4:30 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...

Hi CeruleanBlaze,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

At first glance, we have an interesting short story here that definitely has lightness in comparison to the more Doom and Gloom version, as you called it.

I have to say, from the structure, I'm a big fan of the narrator voice you have here. It's effective and builds well on the "plot" and it gives you a good overview of who you're dealing with, character-wise. One thing I noticed more often was the inclusion of a few different types of terms that fall in one direction. I think you did a good job of making it realistic and convincing.

I also liked that at some points the voice seemed a bit more exaggerated or tried to come up with rhetorical devices, which gave the text a new tone.

But I also think I'm missing some information here that you presented better in the Doom and Gloom version. Because I was looking for the more humorous aspect of the story for the first time and I didn't get there directly. You can tell something about it by getting a bit more lost between the lines, but I think the main point here is not the humour, but more the exaggeration, some cynicism and maybe sarcasm. The only thing that made me smile a little bit was here:

In fact, when I say that “Well, actually, he's dead,” with a small giggle on my lips,

You do build on this sentence, but the punchline then comes a little too late, if it can be called a punchline. But I don't think this is necessarily a criterion for not liking the story. It is still good.

In summary, however, it is still an interesting and partly well-developed story.

Have fun writing!


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701 Reviews

Points: 49988
Reviews: 701

Mon Sep 27, 2021 5:35 pm
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...

Hey! Forever here with a review!

First of all, I couldn't find a bit of humour. Nothing humorous happened in the story and the narrator too didn't have a humorous voice. I guess you have got to change the genre. Now to the plot itself. The plot was not bad sadly, it didn't feel to be a complete plot to make a complete short story. There can be vagueness in the plot and portions which the readers have to interpret themselves but it shouldn't be very vague. Let's tell you about the confusions I had while reading.

First of all, I couldn't understand the reason behind the murder and why the person was murdered just in front of his own house? I am a bit confused about this and how did the people really reach to the conclusions that he was a member of a gang? That is quite illogical. It can be something else too like nowadays, normal people are being murdered without a proper reason... Just to make people afraid. I don't think the people should reach to the conclusion so soon and rather try to investigate the matter. Even if you go with the gang thing, then you should try to give some reason like some documents were recovered from the house or something.

I really liked the end where the daughter tries to forget him but can't really succeed. They still hope that someday the memories of their father will not pierce them anymore. The scribbling seems to be an interesting thing. Seems like they can't really decide whether to forget them or to remember him or maybe they try to erase him from their mind but keep him inside a notebook. It greatly add to the story.

Talking about the characters, we can actually see that the daughter was very surprised at their father's death. I wonder a bit about the nine year old thing. I really don't expect a nine year old to be like that, they should understand something. Also, where they heard bullet shots before? If a person didn't here a shot before, they will not be able to identify the sound. Also, another question. Wasn't there any other person at the house? That's strange.

Keep Writing!!


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