A post-Civil War snippet with a salesman, his niece and a cart filled with voodoo dolls. A silly drabble, not very serious, and mostly plot-less. Read at your own risk.
--------
"Lookee 'ere, lookee 'ere! Dolls a dollar apiece!" His voice carried over the bustling crowd, seemingly tireless and inexhaustible. Beside him, a small girl held a cart containing what looked tens and dozens of patchwork dolls, pins stuck in their fragile, torn bodies. Some people spared small glances at the dolls, but most walked on, their noses high up in the air. The salesman scratched his bald head, befuddled with confusion.
"Tha' chap tol' me tha' theese were pop'lar among them genteel folk nowadays." He drawled, as if he was having trouble saying what he thought. "I dun' geddit."
"What don't you get, Uncle?" The girl was ten years old, with unnervingly intelligent dark eyes that peered into the soul of people they stared at - which was probably why Mitchell Hutchinson was having trouble even looking at her. "What are these dolls for, anyway?"
"You young folk dun' know nothin' much, do ya?" The salesman shook his head, still not sparing any looks for his unusual niece. "Theese 'ere are vedo - vado - vo'dou dolls 'ere, see?" He picked up one and shook it thoroughly - the young girl winced as a button fell off the doll and landed sharply in front of her. "It's for dec'ration, see? You hang 'em on a wall or some sor' rubbish like tha', at least ah thenk."
The girl remained silent as he threw it back roughly into the cart, tearing the poor thing up even more. "Mikey would've in - in - inval'able 'ere. 'E 'ad a talent, 'e did." He scowled as a ragamuffin blew a raspberry at him and ran away, not giving him a chance to even flick the kid lightly with the cane gripped firmly in his roughened hands.
However, little Reena Hutchinson had more on her mind than some dirty little street urchin who had blown a raspberry at her bald-headed uncle, and she started to impatiently tug at the man's coat.
"Were you talking about Papa, Uncle Mitch?"
He scowled and tore his coat away from her insistent tugging. "Dun' do 'tha' ag'in. This coat 'ere is expens've, it is." He brushed it vigorously with a hand. "And yes, I was talkin' about that worthless old Paps o' yours. I'll say 'e had a talen', but 'e di'nt 'ave the barkin' brains for it, tha's for sure."
"What are you talking about, Uncle Mitch?"
"Your Paps, 'e could talk a pers'n off a cliff but still snaitch a couple a dollars off 'im. But wha does your Paps do? He goes and en - enlists 'imself in the War, and see what 'appened! An' wha' for? Indep'ndence? He di'nt ged any indep'ndence for 'imself, an' not even for 'is family. Hah! Indep'endence. Now, let's 'ave a look at - oi! Where is tha' cart?!"
The answer wasn't far off - the cart was slowly rolling away from them in the chokingly thick crowd, and guess who was driving it? The little ragamuffin who had dared to blow a raspberry at ol' Mitchel Hutchinson, that was who.
"Oi, get back 'ere, ya li'l guttersnipe! Tha's MY cart!"
Revised on 2/24/2010
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,811 Literary Works • 673,689 Reviews
You have written an interesting story, nice work
Thanks! ^^ I corrected all the mistakes now, should be okay to read now.
Robyn.
Hey there LW! It’s reviewing time!
‘Drawl’ implies that his speak ‘was slow and drawn out.’ So the use of the italicized words is rather unneeded.
I love this chunk. Something about the word ‘unnerving’ just sort of makes me tingle for some reason and I think it’s because it reminds me of one of my favorite characters, Claudia, from the Vampire Chronicles. If you plan on taking this further, she would almost be a really cool guide to look at while you work on developing Reena. *rambling*
But about this does bother me and that’s in the use of the word ‘seemed.’ ‘Seemed’ is more of a telling word rather than a showing word. Just changing ‘seemed to peer’ into ‘peered’ will have a stronger message.
Two things should be mentioned here. You’re mentioning her age…again. Secondly, you say that her eyes are intelligent earlier which usually leads to a reader generally perceiving the character as smart but then you say that she has a ‘small-sized mind’. You have to remain consistent or you’ll loose readers.
But overall this is good. And I like the way you used the dialogue here. Just remember to remain consistent, like I said before. If done right, and if you put that extra work in, it’ll be really good reading!
Also, the title should probably read 'Salesmen' not 'Salesmans' which isn't a word!
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!
~lilymoore
Nice job! This story was very well written, and interesting. I loved the man's accent and dialogue, which shows quite a lot about him. Keep on writing-
Kaedee
But I already said Reena was ten years old...T_T
And anyways, this was written on a sudden impulse.
Hi, PenNPaper here to review!
Okay, one thing, there was really lots of slang. I would say that you shouldn't overuse dialogue, sure, it helps the story at times, but you should focus more on description. I see a little action here and there. But no description of the person, was he tall, short, fat, thin? How old is the little girl, nine? ten? You need to give your readers a clearer understanding of your character. I know this story is short, but still a little description can make it better.
Nice going with the show not tell part, if you get what I mean.
Good luck and keep writing!