z

Young Writers Society



Eternal Night

by Ceekayyy66x


Nox Eternus

Prologue

"hey stop their!"

"i said STOP"

run run run. he ran, jumping from roof top to roof top, over the various lights and buildings over the world below. not daring to look behind him, only straight ahead. The world below swam underneath him, a mixture of lights and color, but he couldn't stop to admire them, not now. hearing the sound of sirens underneath him only brought panic back to him, the panic of being caught. he could hear the foot steps behind him, the people chasing him. then as soon as they had started, they'd stopped. He found himself alone, in the darkness of the roof top. he walked several paces, at the sound of police sirens, and looked below. at least 50 cop cars were their. Knowing he'd be caught, he sat their. his back against the stair well, and look up at the stars, thought he knew they weren't stars at all. he had never known what stars where, and never would. taking a knife out of his pocket he began gouging at his skin around a tattoo. Digging the knife deeper and deeper into his skin. he could feel the blood running down his arm, and soon he held a shred of skin in his hand, with the tattoo on it. he look at the naked flesh of his bleeding arm, which was truly naked now, and felt nothing, no pain...giving up something. it was part of being a contractor, it was a matter of equivalent exchange.

"so that was your price was it"

sitting bolt upright, the man looked around.

"who's their?!"

from the shadows emerged a figure. Tall, black coated, black hair, but no face? or was it a mask.

his voice held a velvet feel to it, soothing, but coaxed with danger and malice. His voice demanded power, it Oozed it.

"who are you?"

"I'm the man who's come to collect your head" he said, so matter of factly. as if their wasn't a doubt in his mind he'd kill the man. he made is sound so easy.

"the Fuck if you are"

the man stood up, raises is hands and slammed them of the floor. The grown from where his hand had touched, glowed red. lines of jagged red streaks moved toward the man with no face. The lines an earthquake makes as it breaks through rock. It moved around the man, creating a circle around the figure, and then enclosing it around him, As a pentagram began to draw it self in the middle with different circular shapes around it. It glowed red beneath the cloaked figure, turning the ground to sand. the man with no face spiralled backwards, and landed on the hand railing of the roof.

"two can play that game" his hand shot, quick as lighting sending silver invisible wire towards the man, wrapping themselves around his neck, as if they had a mind of their own. constricting around his neck, tighter and tighter at the smallest move the man made.

"where is He?"

"your a contractor?!"

"WHERE IS HE?!"

"FUCK OFF, I Wont Tell You Anything!"

"then your of no further use to me" his fingers snapped, and the wire around the mans neck tightened, silencing him forever.

Chapter One

The contract, is it worth the price? to give up your humanity for power? To become an elite? In Ira Caelum it was. It was the price you paid to be a contractor, not just anyone could be come one. You had to born into this everlasting hell, And they called it an honor. yet, i was an elite, the strongest of strong. Sometimes i wondered if i was possible of feeling, If i was still a man. True, here i was a man ten times over...but was i human? Was i capable of love, of happiness? I often wondered these things. Wondering how i would have been had i not dedicated my life to the kill. If i hadn't become this thing i am now. My subordinates did not know why trivial things like that often kept me up, for nights in a row. They thought, that the process of thought was irrelevant, and therefore unnecessary.

I pondered all this as i made my way down the street to where I'd be staying. i had been given a mission, and left the institute early this morning, to arrive in upper new york city. The Institute had provided me with a place to stay, a considerable amount of funds, and weapons. my mission: To find Alexandra M. Knight, And bring them her head. I fairly simple task, nothing hard. I walked up the steps of the small condo in the more remote part of the city. thought their was absolutely nothing remote about it.

As i reached for my keys, i heard the tiniest rustling of bushes. The kind of sound only a cat or dog might here. A ability i had acquired over time, though i had forgotten what I'd given in exchange for it. I pulled out one of my seraph blades, also known as angel blades, which I'd acquired from someone I'd killed. I'd liked them, so i kept them. the bushes rustled again. My eye's narrowed, ready for a fight. Crouching i crept to the bushes, heard something move again and rammed my self into the bushes, pushing something back with my blade against it's throat.

"why are u here?" my eyes narrow.

"Ego sum Of Nox noctis"

I let Him go.

"so it seems they sent you, what the hell do you want?" i said sticking my blade in it's sheath.

he was a rather tall boy. he had brown hair, that look almost black, blue eyes and too big fee. no doubt he was clumsy. and he was skinny...weak. that or...

"easy Dante..."

i turned around, and felt my eyes narrow even more. This pitiful excuse for a man, was my father. though i didn't consider him a father...more like a dog, if anything.

"and what," i began, as i folded my arms across my chest, and leaned against the wall "do i owe the pleasure of your company?"

"Im here because i was sent, nothing more..."

"no surprise their" i said cutting him off

"i have information that might help you"

"what makes you even THINK I'd need your help?!" i felt my self growing more and more PISSED OFF. to receive help from this man, was an insult, and they would hear it.

"don't forget your place boy." he said.

"Sure, Whatever." I said brushing him aside to look at the weakling I'd noticed sneaking through my bushes earlier.

"and YOU, why are you here? Surely not to fight, seeing as you can barely stand on your own feet" I raises my eye brow at him. "your not human are you?"

"n...no, i...I'm not. I'M A contractor" I laughed.

"YOU, a CONTRACTOR? don't insult my intelligence" i said taking the blade out of it's sheath and spinning it in my fingers.

"Then your stupid" i turned to look at my father, or rather the dog.

"and what prey tell are you barking about?"

"he's a contractor, he specializes in gathering information. He WILL be of use to you"

I was truly irritated now, i could feel wrinkle lines growing on my forehead from the irritation.

"show me"

i looked at the boy, i new he could feel my gaze Pearce though him like a needles through wool.

"...alright" and with that he shape shifted in to a grey cat with blue eyes. the oddest, skinniest cat I'd even seen. from that he turned himself into a fly, a lizard, a snail and other various and rather bizarre creatures.

"Hmmmm...." i didn't like to be wrong, but i new he was of some use. "very well" i said and began walking to front of the condo.

"aren't you coming?" i asked him, and in three strides he was at my side. wow...i thought, he moves fast.

With that i proceeded inside, the rather tall weakly boy at my heels.

Chapter Two

"Dante...Dante" i heard a woman's voice call my name. i looked around, i was in an ancient corridor of a castle. The stone floors where cold beneath my feet, as i walked down the empty hallway. Why was i barefoot?

"Dante" i heard he call my name again. I knew this voice....soft as silk, the way my name seemed to sound coming from her lips, as if the goddess herself had spoke. I'd heard it somewhere before, it was as if an old memory had resurfaces. I felt a sudden wave of deja vu. I began to run, desperate to get to this voice that my whole being seemed to be aware of. i ran faster, and faster. yet the corridor seemed to stretch on forever, as if extending of it's own accord. I heard someone scream. I pushed myself, faster and faster, the corridor getting farther and farther away. My legs felt like jello beneath me, still i ran. i was getting closer now, almost their. their i heard a blood curdling scream, and then silence.

"NOOOO" i sat bolt up right. breathing heavily, panting. realizing it was nothing, i fell back onto the covers of the bed, and placed my hand on my forehead. I was sweating. realizing i wouldn't be able to sleep any longer, i got out of bed and went to the patio of the room. Looking up at the perfect blue black sky, at the stars that really weren't their. What was that voice? Who's was it? i swear I've hear it before, but where.

"you okay?"

i turned around, it was the kid.

"fine. thanks." i said flatley and continued to star at the sky.

"Ummm..."

"what, kid" i turned to look at him

"My names not kid you know, i HAVE a name" you look truly annoyed, how amusing.

"not that i care either way, but what might that be?"

"what?"

"Your name stupid one."

"oh..." he look embarrassed. "it's Daniel"

"Daniel..." I Pondered the name. "god is my judge"

"huh?"

"that's what your name mean. Do you believe that, Daniel?"

he looked at me. either taken aback by my question or surprised i asked his opinion, i didn't know. he seemed to ponder this question over in his mind, his facial expressions changed few times. what was he thinking?

"Yes, i believe that."

"and how about destiny, fate, what of those?"

"I think fate is what is thrown at us, and destiny is what we do with it"

I thought about this. No doubt the boy was smart, smarter maybe even the someone twice his age.

"you were screaming.."

"what?" i said pulling my self from my thoughts and back into reality.

"you were screaming" he said again.

i stared at him, for a very long time, and said "no i wasn't" and walked away.

sleep had evaded me that night, has it often does. Then morning came, and Daniel and i had decided to set out to find the girl. Daniel went into town as the abnormally skinny cat, he seemed to like to be a cat, to gather information on the girl. I was sent to look for her, and look for her i did. Although the city was big, i got around fairly easy. by the time i'd found her, dark had began to settles over the city. I went to a near dinner for something to eat, which is where i saw her. she was much prettier then i had expected, more prettier then she was in the picture i'd taken with me to identify her. she was wearing a light blue dress shirt, and jeans, fitted jeans, that showed the curve of her hips just right. it was almost seductive. her hair was black though, instead of blond. no doubt her natural hair color. it didn't appear to be dyed.

"may i get you anything? coffee, juice?" the waitress said.

"coffee black"

"okay i'll be right back" and she left.

i stared at the women, with out really looking at her. she was talking to a man. he was thin, almost as thin as Daniel, if not thinner. he has black hair, but i couldn't see his face. he was turned away from me. just as the waitress had come back with the coffee they where leaving. i watched them, carefully before i through down a 20 on the table and followed them. i watched them at a distance as they walked hand in hand, a couple do doubt. what a rude intervention this would be. it was dark by the time they turned the corner, and came in sight of apartments. they where talking on the door way. deciding to take advantage of the situation i changed for into a wolf. it would be much easier and i would be less likely to be spotted seeing as i was black. i crept close enough to hear what they where saying

"are you sure you'll be okay Alex?"

"i'll be fine Jared"

jared...i'd have to remember that.

"what if they come back alexandera? what if..."

"thats not going to happen, and i dont want to talk about it" she took the key out of her pocket and opened the door.

"please alex..."

"goodbye jared" and she closed the door on him. I tried not to laugh, i liked this girl, too bad i had to kill her. what a waste. i turned around and troted around the back, changed back, and looked back throught the window. she wasn't in the kicthen, good. i took my shifter out of my pocket, stuck it into the key hole, and took it out. I had a key, now, which ment i could come back whenever i please. turning back into a wolf, i ran down manhattin to meet with daniel as the condo.

"find out anything" i said as i walked into the house.

"yeah"

"well, kid lets hear it, i haven't got all day. the faster i get this over with the better" i said and took a cigerate out of my pockets and lite it. it was rare i smoked.

"theirs nothing out of the ordinary about her really, except that she works with contractors or has in the past"

"define works with them?"

"meaning that she's hired on for someone else, she's some what of a lawyer. though i've never heard of one that works with contractors before."

"interesting" I threw my cigaret on the floor and step on it.

"looks like i've made more progress then you have kid. which isn't a suprise really." i said as i held up a small silver key.

chapter Three

Walking through the dark ally way, hearing the noises of the city, smelling the night air. My life had always been like the night, dark and cold. or at least thats how i saw it as. I needed no one, and no one needed me, Completely independent in myself. yet, never complete. Just Complete in imperfection. Leaning against the wall of the bar next to the ally, i pressed my foot up against the wall, stuck my hand in my pockets. waiting. The thrill of the hunt, and the extacy and liveliness it brought with it. like a fox stalking it's prey, ready to pounce at a moments notice. No remorse, never hesitating. When i stalked to kill, i was a different person then when i wasn't. Like a switch had been turned on inside me. I was ALIVE. every sense, every movement, ever bit of life seemed to come alive and glow. My senses sharpened, My body became tense, expectant. I waited for her. i had been following her for days now. new every route, every street she'd taken, or had taken. what her mornings consited of, what to expect, when she went out. more importantly, where she worked. which is where i happened to be...and their she was. I felt my muscles tighten at the ready. My percing eyes following her every move. I'd kill her, i had to.

I followed her down the street, walking my normal pace. always keeping my eyes on her, never adverting them away. she turned a corner, i followed. waiting for the perfect moment.

"hey, you their." i saw her head jerk, and shifted my eyes to where the voice had come from. One was a rather portly man, older then the other. With a receding hair line, must have been about 45. more or less. With a photograph in his hand. The other man, a rather tall and muscular fellow, bulky. had i have been able to feel fear, he would have intimadated me. The womens expression had changed. from one of indifference, to one of pure shock. She'd noticed, as did i, that they were cops. she ran.

"Ma'm STOP"

"shit" i heard the other one say as they bagan to give chase after her. perfect. nothing like a good chase i though. giving a half smile of enjoyment, i disapered into the bushes.

The women ran as if she ran for her life. In a sense, she was. i ran, stalking her. The sweet intoxication of her sent in my nostrils, the feel of the hunt. The power surging through me as i ran. Feeling my muscles contract and retract, The wind in my fur. With the police still chasing after us, or rather her, she turned the corner into an empty ally. I jumped atop the neartest garbage can, and onto the roof. i watch as she hide in a small space between some crates, and an empty trash can. The eyes i had, allowed me to see her clear as day, the sweat trickling down her forehead. Her eyes shut tight, as she clasped her hand over her mouth trying hold in her breath. foot steps approached. She was starting to turn red from the amount of time she was holding her breath. Then they were gone, i saw her double over, gasping for breath. desperate for it, as if the air wasen't coming fast enough. I looked over to where A pile of trash was, proceeded to it, and jumped down onto it. Thats when i heard voices.

"easy alex, it's me"

"ryan?! what are you doin hear?"

"they sent me to find you"

WHO send him to find her? i stuck my rather large and shaggy head in their direction. My eyes narrowed into slits, my face hardened. i didn't like it when people got in the way of a hunt. It usually meant, they'd end up being prey too. Lowering my head defensively and a bit annoyed, i jumped off the trash can on went into the shadows, watching them. The man called ryan was about 5'7, fit. In his early twenties, maybe older. his Hair was jet black, He was a fairly dark skined man..or boy which ever you prefer. he had i notice, a tattoo of an X, unerneath his right wrist.

"where's Triston? why isn't he here?"

i heard the mans voice, if thats what he was, change. was he...sad?

"he's not here. He's...dead" remorse.

"no...No! he cant be dead! Your lying!" i couldn't see her, but i could have sworn i saw her move. Back away from this...ryan. more then anything...Their was a certain desperation in her voice. It made something inside me ache. A Longing I'd nevet felt before. Almost as if her sadness had become my own. Sadness...?

"you have to come with me, their expecting you"

Her Voice turned hard as stone, her desperation replaced with fury. "Im not going anywhere" I could see her perse her lips in my head as she said those words, like they often did when she was irritated.

"come, or i'll make you come. either way where leaving" This caught my attention, my ears stood up. I felt myself bare my white canines, and growl. I had stalked this girl for all of three weeks. Theirs no way this prick was gonna fuck it up now.

"Im not going anywhere ryan"

"yes, you are." and he made a grab for her. an unexpected move, but she was fast. she kicked him in the jaw. He staggered backwards, almost falling, and lunged himself with what seemed like all his might at her. Then...i Lunged at him. catching his arm in my mouth, and biting down as hard as i could. feeling his blood run into my mouth. I heard the girl scream.

"shit!" i heard him yell. He flung me back, with what seemed like all the strength he could muster, only to have me land on my feet. I stared at him, eye full of rage. Baring my teeth at him, the hairs on my back standing on end. he stared at me

"who the fuck is this? Rin Tin Tin?" This PISSED ME OFF. I've always hated that movie

"You Wanna See Rin Tin Tin...?"

"what The...?" I Jumped at him, snarling. My jaws caught around the forearm of his left arm. He socked me on the snout, and sent my tumbling against the wall. getting to my feet, i shook my head. trying to sheak off the blow i'd recieved. I stared at him.

"well, well, well. A contractor. INTERESTING" so, i amused him did i? allow me to show you how AMUSING i could be. I growled at him, but he made no attempt to move. He simply put his hand on the wall. from where he put his hand, it glowed blue. SHIT. I looked around for a possible end point of his hand. before i even had a chance to find it, i felt it. Like someone had just stuck both hands inbetween each side of my ribs, just beheith my lungs. A pulling feeling, like someone lifting them up. i leaned over in pain Whinning. my whine turning into a yelp. he could manipulate space. Lifting me up by my ribs, he through me into the trash cans. It hurt to breath. I attempted to lift myself up, but fell back down. Now, i was ifuriated. using my nail i drew a pentagram on the floor, drew two over laping cirles in the middle, and placed my paw in the middle. The symbol glowed red, burning it's way into the ground. "maior". the lights change from red, to blue, then to purple. I could feel the muscle on my arm growing, my bones and skelatal structure shifting, and taking shape. i stood, at least sex feet, claws attatched to long razor sharp nails. My canines had grow 2 inches, and where sharp as knives. i felt them cut into my skin as i closed my mouth. My ears were errect, and attentive. i look the true diffinition of a werewolf. the women screamed again, and began to run. But the man named ryan caught her, held her against him and smirked.

"this is interesting" I made a sound that sounded like a roar, extended my nails further. slammed by hand against the wall, and began to scrape my nails down the wall. Leaving long, jagged gouge marks in the cement. he threw the girl into the wall, and said "come one" beckoning me with his hand. i disepeared, my speed increasing, and appeared behind him. just as fast as i appeared behind him, he was gone.

"hahahahahahahaha" i heard him laughing. i swear this guy doesn't fail to PISS ME OFF. "i'd say the odds aren't even, wouldn't you?" i looked at him. i wanted to tear his head off to keep him from making that annoying smirk of his. "lets make the odd's a little...even" i just looked at him, waiting. He looked up at the sky, my gaze followed his to see the cloads parting, relieveling a pure white moon behind them. He Howled as his cloths began to tear off him. As his skin was ripped to shreads, and replaced by a coat of this brown fur. i heard the popping of his bones as they shifted places, and took form. i wonder what he'd given up to aquire this ability. He looked at me, his eyes not full of rage or hate like mine, but JOY. he was ENJOYING this. I laughed. he snarled and lunged at me. everything was lost in a mixture of blood, fur and teeth. He snapped at me, i dogged and nicked him in the face. I scratched him, and he jumped biting me in the arm. He sprang at me grabing my neck hyde, and managed to turn me on my back bitting my neck. i kicked at him, and bit him in the back. yanking my head back and forth tearing off flesh. Managing to shake me off his back he turned around, battered and bloodied, bearing his teeth at me panting. he charged at me, aiming a death blow at my neck. Ducking he just missed me. a sprang after him our snouts meshed, snapping at one another, digging our claws into each other faces. Turning him over and his back, attempting to bit him as he shook his head furiously to keep me off. grabing me by my neck hide he threw me, as a skidded along the asphault. shaking my head i looked around, and saw him, charging toward me. he thew him self at me. I jumped locking my jaws tighly around his neck, feeling the blood gush as his body fell limp in my mouth.

"refero"

My bones cracked again, my size decreased, my nails shrunk. i was normal size again. Normal size, but still a wolf. where was the girl? Panting, I turned my head in an attempt to look for her. I didn't have to look far. she was stairing, eyes transfixed on me. My eyes cold as ever gazed into hers. now was my chance. My head dropped, my bloody teeth bared. I snarled at her as i inched my way towards her. every muscle in my body ready to leap, to slink my teeth into her neck. she back away, her eye filled with horror, repulsion. it confused me for a moment...this didn't feel right to me. im my confusion i didn't notice her moving towards me, her hand out stretched. my head shrank back, and i growled. I looked up at her, her face was more horrified then anything, why try to touch me?

"Th...Thank you..." my eyes were fixed on hers, i didn't move. she was THANKING ME? ME? the man...or wolf, that was supposed to kill her? was she..OKAY? I looked at her, confused as she ran her fingers through my fur. Her touch was soft, gental. It felt good... It was as if she were trying not to hurt me, thought it was definitely the other way around, How Odd.

I tried to get up, and realized, it hurt to move. she tried to help me up, i snapped at her. she let me go, and stood away from me. i looked at her, irritation clear on my face. she looked...hurt. Like the kind of hurt you feel for being scolded for something you new you shouldn't have done. i stood up and shook myself off. turning my head over my shoulder, i looked at the body lying in the street. he'd turned back into a man again. his throat lay ripped open. i turned my attention back towards the woman. she was looking at the body, felt my gaze on her and turn to face me.

"thanks again, i owe you one" she said.

I decided it was time.

"Like hell you do." i said, and rather coldly too i might add.

she just looked at me, as if she were seeing my for the first time. and maybe...she was.

Chapter Four

She continued to stare at me, her face full of shock then fear. I looked at her, aggitated by her slowness. Complemplating what i should do...if i should be discovered for who and WHAT i was, they'd come looking for me. BUT...if i lead her into a false sence of security, i could get what information out of her i could..THEN i'd kill her. My face turned from pensive, to absolutely hopeful. Exploiting someones weaknesses was of much enjoyment to me. I smiled inwardly at myself. perfect. I sat down, and looked at her, an nonchalant experssion on my face.

"so..." i said finally after the silence had drug on for what seemed like hours. "who, was that douch bag??" I motioned my head to the dead body in the street.

she looked as if she were thinking over her answer carefully. her eye brows creased, her mouth slanted.

"he was...a friend of mine"

"some friend" i said rather coldly.

"what ARE you?" she asked. I stard at her, hard. then finally raises my eye brows and said "the names Jace" i stood put, limping on my back leg.

"come on, we better get outta her before more of you...what did you call them? friends? come back" I turned around and began to walk. Hearing the steady clicking of her shoes, headed for the condo.

As we approached the font steps, i told her to wait their and proceded inside to warn daniel.

"hey, KID!" he looked at me rather annoyed. hehehe.

"WOAH!!! What the hell HAPPENED to you?!" he raises his eye brown "and WHY are you a dog?"

"first of all neanderthal, im a WOLF. An second..look out the window" he did. he strode accross the room, and peered ever so slightly throught the currtin. his face was a mixture of pure confusion, and shock. i almost laugh as his mouth proceeded to hang over.

"wh..whats she doing her?!" he asked in a hushed anxious voice. probably due to the fact that he had never been within two feet of a woman, so much have one in his house.

"I Thought we could use her for information. Then once we got all we could, we..or rather I'D kill her." he thought about this.

"information is good. Maybe lead us in the right direction to finding 13. Let her in"

"First" i interrupted him. " i need a disguise. she cant know what i look like, remember? thats the part of the whole undercover incognito thing?" he glared at me. I laughed.

"alright. what are u gonna do? since you seem to have all the bright ideas?" i smiled.

"hello" i said as i opened the door to grant entry for our guest. hahaha.

"who are...?" then she looked at me. From the jet back hair, to the muscular chest, The cuts on my face, the bandaged leg, to the eyes i'd changed blue.

"how did you...but i...wha..." she looked confused.

I rolled my eyes "Im a shape shifter" which was a complete lie. The only OTHER for i had, besides the human one, was a wolf. Whom, like my human form, i could change certain things at will. like hair and eye color. i just preferred what i used. and shape shifters are contractors, who, like are contractors, are born with a power, but refuse to give up their humanity. Rather disgraceful i might add, but i couldn't tell her WHAT i was. At least not DIRECTLY. this was the closest i could get. "would you like to come in?"

she looked at me skeptically, then said "fine" and proceeded inside. before, i hadn't really took notice of her. i mean REALLY notice her, like i had at the dinner. She had on a dress, a blue one. It brought out her unusually black eyes, an brunette hair. she had on high heels, The kind that have the strap around the ankle. her hair was cute in long layers, and stuck to her face, bangs to one side. She was, in all definition of the word; Beautiful. i stared at her.

"is their something on my face?" i shook my head to drive the thoughts of this beautiful women from my mind.

"Umm...no, theirs not"

"Then please STOP staring at me" Attitude much?


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Points: 890
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Sat Apr 11, 2009 4:53 pm
thatguy wrote a review...



Hey there
Well, the capitalization and grammar threw me off a bit. But other than that, the idea is very interesting.

[quote]
from the shadows emerged a figure. Tall, black coated, black hair, but no face? or was it a mask.

Adding the question mark makes it seem less intimidating. [but no face. Ahh, it was a mask.]
Or something of that sort.

Shorten it down a bit too, waaay to long.




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Thu Mar 26, 2009 10:18 pm
TheOneWhoIsAwesome wrote a review...



The One Who Is Awesome thinks your story has much potential, but has several things he'd like to critique.

First, your grammar needs much work. To be frank, your story has the grammar of a text message. You need to go back and fix your mistakes.

Second, The One Who Is Awesome thinks you need to cut your story down to a more manageable length, because his head hurts from so much reading on the computer.

However, The One Who Is Awesome wants you to continue, because he is interested in where your story is going.




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Sun Mar 08, 2009 12:52 pm
mimimac says...



Hey, I'm going to review chapter one today.

Chapter One



The contract, is it worth the price? to give up your humanity for power? To become an elite? In Ira Caelum it was. It was the price you paid to be a contractor, not just anyone could [s]be come[/s] become one. You had to be born into this everlasting hell,



As i reached for my keys, i heard the tiniest rustling of bushes. The kind of sound only a cat or dog might [s]here[/s] hear.


[s]A[/s] An ability i had acquired over time, though i had forgotten what I'd given in exchange for it
.
Crouching i crept to the bushes, heard something move again and rammed [s]my self[/s] myself into the bushes, pushing something back with my blade against it's throat.


"why are[s] u[/s] you here?" my eyes narrow. Not 'narrow' but 'narrowed' because you're writing in the past tense not the present.
it's spelt 'you'! 'U' is chat speak!
"Ego sum Of Nox noctis"

I let Him go. Why did you capitalise 'him'? No need for it.

"so it seems they sent you, what the hell do you want?" i said sticking my blade in it's sheath.

he was a rather tall boy. he had brown hair, that [s]look[/s] looked almost black, blue eyes and too big [s]fee[/s] feet. no doubt he was clumsy. and he was skinny...weak. that or...
Re-read that sentence and you'll see how confusing it is for the reader to read when the first letter of each new sentence is not capitalised! Also you can't put the word 'and' at the beginning of a sentence
"easy Dante..."

i turned around, and felt my eyes narrow even more. This pitiful excuse for a man, was my father. though i didn't consider him a father...more like a dog, if anything.

"and what," i began, as i folded my arms across my chest, and leaned against the wall "do i owe the pleasure of your company?"

"Im here because i was sent, nothing more..."

"no surprise their"'there' not 'their' as I said when I reviewed your prologue, the word 'their' shows possesion! i said cutting him off

"i have information that might help you"

"what makes you even THINK I'd need your help?!" i felt my self growing more and more PISSED OFF.What's the point in capitalising this? None :P We know he's mad, you don't need to over exagerate. to receive help from this man, was an insult, and they would hear it. What do you mean by 'they would hear it?

"don't forget your place boy." he said.

"Sure, Whatever." I said brushing him aside to look at the weakling I'd noticed sneaking through my bushes earlier. Through YOUR bushes? :?
"and YOU, why are you here? Surely not to fight, seeing as you can barely stand on your own feet" I [s]raises [/s] raised my [s]eye brow[/s] eyebrow at him. "your not human are you?" Again, as I corrected in your prologue, here you need to replace 'your' with either 'you are' or 'you're'

"n...no, i...I'm not. I'M A contractor" I laughed.
Adding the 'I laughed' makes it sound like your MC is saying this! Changed it to: In response to this, I laughed. Or something along those lines to make it clear someone else said it.
"YOU, a CONTRACTOR? don't insult my intelligence" i said taking the blade out of it's sheath and spinning it in my fingers.

"Then [s]your [/s] you're stupid" i turned to look at my father, or rather the dog.

"and what [s]prey[/s] pray tell are you barking about?"

"he's a contractor, he specializes in gathering information. He WILL be of use to you"

I was truly irritated now, i could feel wrinkle lines growing on my forehead from the irritation.

"show me"

i looked at the boy, i new he could feel my gaze [s]Pearce[/s] pierce though him like a needles through wool.

"...alright" and with that he shape shifted in to a grey cat with blue eyes. the oddest, skinniest cat I'd even seen. from that he turned himself into a fly, a lizard, a snail and other various and rather bizarre creatures.

"Hmmmm...." i didn't like to be wrong, but i new he was of some use. "very well" i said and began walking to front of the condo.

"aren't you coming?" i asked him, and in three strides he was at my side. wow...i thought, he moves fast.

With that i proceeded inside, the rather tall weakly boy at my heels.


Hi!
You REALLY need to improve your grammar skills. You cannot keep making all these basic mistakes! As I said in my other review, capitalise all letters at the start of a new sentence. Also capitalise all lone 'i's! Another thing is: don't use chat speak. For example; 'u' becomes 'you'. Again i would definitely checking out the grammar articles found on this site!
Good story, you just need to work on your spelling and grammar skills!
PM me if you need anything.
xxmimixx




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Sun Mar 08, 2009 8:01 am
Jay says...



This is too long to review in one go-why don't you cut it down to a more manageable length? PM me when you do that, and I'll do a critique then.




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Sat Mar 07, 2009 4:04 pm
mimimac wrote a review...



Hi, I'll be reviewing this today, I'm only going to be doing the prologue bit for now because I don't have much time. I'll come back and continued tomorrow or another day if I can!

"hey stop their!" Its 'hey stop there' not 'their' that's used to show possesion.
"i said STOP" Capitalise the first letter!

run run run. he ran, jumping from roof top to roof top, over the various lights and buildings over the world below. not daring to look behind him, only straight ahead. The world below swam underneath him,remove the 'him' in that last sentence a mixture of lights and color, but he couldn't stop to admire them, not now. hearing the sound of sirens underneath him only brought panic back to him, you used 'him' twice in that sentence, remove one. For example, you could change the last sentence to: it brough panic back. We know that the panic went back to HIM... it's obvious! :)the panic of being caught. he could hear the foot steps behind him, the people chasing him. then as soon as they had started, they'd stopped. He found himself alone, in the darkness of the roof top. he walked several paces, at the sound of police sirens, and looked below.Remove the comma after 'he walked several paces' at least 50 cop cars were their.AGAIN, it's 'there' unless you're showing possesion!:P Knowing he'd be caught, he sat their. THERE, not their (third time)his back against the stair well,I think stairwell is one word not two and look up at the stars, change 'look' into the past tense so it becomes 'looked'thought he knew they weren't stars at all. he had never known what stars wherein this context, you use 'were' not 'where', and never would. taking a knife out of his pocket he began gouging at his skin around a tattoo. Digging the knife deeper and deeper into his skin. he could feel the blood running down his arm, and soon he held a shred of skin in his hand, with the tattoo on it. he look at the naked flesh of his bleeding arm, which was truly naked now, and felt nothing, no pain...giving up something. it was part of being a contractor,it was a matter of equivalent exchange. I honestly did not understand anything from 'giving up something' onwards... rewrite that bit and explain more!

"so that was your [s]price[/s] prince was it"

sitting bolt upright, the man looked around.

"who's their?!" 'THERE' not their :P

from the shadows emerged a figure. Tall, black coated, black hair, but no face? or was it a mask.

his voice held a velvet feel to it, soothing, but coaxed with danger and malice. His voice demanded power, it Oozed it. Coaxed with danger and malice? To me that does not make sense... maybe it would be better as 'filled with danger and malice'?

"who are you?"

"I'm the man who's come to collect your head" he said, so matter of factly.remove the comma and 'so' after 'he said' as if their wasn't a doubt in his mind he'd kill the man. he made [s]is[/s] it sound so easy.

"the Fuck if you are" Add a punctuation mark after 'are'

[s]the man stood up, raises is hands and slammed them of the floor.[/s] The man stood up, raised his hands and slammed them on the floor The grown from where his hand had touched, glowed red.What exactly do you mean by 'the grown'? lines of jagged red streaks moved toward the man with no face. [s]The lines an earthquake makes as it breaks through rock.[/s]The lines an earthquake would make as it breaks through rock It moved around the man, creating a circle around [s]the figure[/s] him, and then enclosing [s]it around him[/s],Maybe 'enclosing' would be best changed to 'closing'? As a pentagram began to draw it selfitself is one word. in the middle with different circular shapes around it. It glowed red beneath the cloaked figure, turning the ground to sand. the man with no face spiralled backwards, and landed on the hand railing of the roof.
"two can play that game" his hand shot,his hand can shoot people? :P I think you mean: his hand shot out quick as lighting sending silver invisible wire towards the man, [s]wrapping themselves around his neck[/s] which wrapped themselves around his neck , as if they had a mind of their own. constricting around his neck, tighter and tighter at the smallest move the man made.

"where is He?"

"[s]your [/s] You're a contractor?!"

"WHERE IS HE?!"

"FUCK OFF, I Wont Tell You Anything!"
This is an example of talking heads! At the most you could get away with two of these without being tagged, but not four! This confuses the reader. Add tags on who is saying what!
"then [s]your[/s] you're of no further use to me" his fingers snapped, and the wire around the mans neck tightened, silencing him forever.


Hi!
The actually idea is good, but you definitely need to look through the grammar articles located in 'knowledge resources'! The most obvious thing to do when writing, is to capitalise when starting a new sentence. You hardly ever did that here and that is practically unforgivable! Also... you have a serious problem with the difference between 'their' and 'there' either look it up in the dictionary or look at the grammar articles to see if any tackle this problem. Also, I would like to remind you that the recommended post length is 1500/2000 words!
Work on this piece, go through it, rewrite sentences that don't make sense, capitalise at the beginning of each new sentence and this could be something good!
PM me if you need to ask anything.
xxmimixx





This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.
— T.S. Eliot