Ok, I'm not really sure why, but I really dislike this... so go forth and critique, thank you =)
These self-built walls of uncertainty and denial
Persist in housing me in my tiny box; so small,
Its cramped space leaves me sore, and alone
My ransom posted on the other side, waiting
Countless times I have tried climbing the wall,
And endless tries I have wretchedly failed,
With trembling hands I scale the stones;
(Each time an unlike way), just for my spine to come
Crashing to the ground, right before I attain the top
I sit with my back against the warm bricks; almost seeming
To soothe the permanent ache, but only if I can keep
My mind from what lies just over on the other side,
Harassing me in its dulling, impolite ways
With its lies of what it says I need, what I should desire
What of a ransom note that might never be paid?
Shall I wither away in darkness here? So said, my dear
I must declare, this wall, I cannot climb, but only with
Wisdom and strength, this wall, might find it’s end
Will it fall today? Heaven forbid, tomorrow even is too soon
But someday soon, I promise you, I will have surely gained
Enough strength, and learned what I need; to break this
Terrible bramble-covered wall, and leave that callous place behind
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Well it's mainly the first stanza that I'm unhappy with, not really sure why, just seems a little lacking. But thank you very much!!!!
you probably shouldn't dislike it as much as you do. it's better than most poetry on here. you express being trapped within a metaphorical box quite well. i haven't read anything else by you, so i really can't compare it to anything else you've done. but if you write like this, you're certainly more than a mediocre poet, if not an excellent one.