Ok this was my first attempt at writing lyrics, and I'm not liking it very much... help please.
Verse one:
I’m lost in this world, alone and afraid
I want to be healed, but I can’t find a way
Many days I’ve wandered, many days I’ve strayed
I’m about to fall off the edge, there’s no other way…
Chorus:
So save me, from this
Broken world I’m being pulled to
So save me, from my broken heart, it’s bringing my down
I’m terrified of what’s outside, yet I want a way out
So pick me up, and take me away,
I’m longing for this pain to end, so come save me today.
Verse two:
I cried out to you, and you heard my call
as you pulled me out from under my stone of despair;
you lifted me high into your loving arms, and called me your own. I’ve found my way out…
Chorus:
So save me, from this broken world I’m being pulled to
So save me, from my broken heart, it’s bringing me down
I’m terrified of what’s outside, yet I want a way out
So pick me up, and take me away, I’m longing for this pain to end, so come save me today.
You saved me today…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey Catriona.
Nice job. I really, really liked it. I can actually sorta hear this.
I really like how you brought wandered and strayed together. And then 'edge'. It makes me feel like there a forest and the person is wandering through the forest, lost. And then there's suddenly a cliff. ^_^
Okay, this part I don't understand. There's no other way...what? I don't really get it. It's sorta incomplete.
^_^ I really liked this line.
I liked how you changed the chorus up...if only a little. It makes it feel less repetative.
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This was really good. Short and sweet. Good job. Can't wait to read more of your poems, Catriona.
~Timea
Hey Catriona (by the way, I really like your name ^^),
This is quite good^^ You have a nice flow and the rhyming works.
In this verse you describe the situation and there seems to be no way out, then in the chorous you ask for help, which is completly natural. but then in the 2nd verse all your problems are solved at once.
Seems a littel easy.
Plus after the second verse you repeat the chorous, in which you call out for help, which doesn't really fit anymore.
You kind of solve that problem by putting in the last line
Kind of..
Why are you unhappy with this? This is a lot better than the first song I ever wrote
Keep it up
~Kalli
EDIT: *puts quotes in boxes*
It's good. I could actually hear it. Maybe you'll do a recording?
Its too short, in the first chorus you said "my" instead of "me" but other than that, I love it. It's the sort of song I would write, just legnth it a tad-granted that can be horribly hard-but just keep practicing and critiquing them you'll get the hang of it.