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139,345 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Hey Catnip. You have beautiful poetry. This is the first poem of yours I've read and I all ready feel encapsulated by your choice of theme, by the very first stanza. Hook line, sinker.
The second stanza might make more sense if you said,
like birds in the sky, YET we grieve to fly, because birds don't usually grieve when they fly, usually it frees them. I really like the style of your poetry though, I like that style, sliding in one final thought to make people think and stumble. It is great. Thank you!
Thanks so much c: I'll use your advice for sure ^-^
Hi there, Catnip
Welcome to YWS and well done on your review record!
, but when you put rhyme into a poem with so strong an emphasis, it has to be more subtle and more purposeful. Combinations like sky-fly-try and dreams-seams are way too simplistic and cliched.
barefootrunner here to review you for a change!
Okay, your poem is like a shape shifter. It does not stop morphing its tone and rhyme. What bothers me is that you just took a lot of simple words that rhyme and stuck them on the back of your lines. They don't form a scheme and the rhyme does not seem to have a proper pattern or function. Yes, I know, I'm terribly old-fashioned
Your punctuation is slightly ragged. You have, for example:
Why is there a comma on the end of the second last line?
But you have a fantastic, strong message and I think with some more subtlety you could get it through a little more sharply.
So shortly, avoid cliched images, check up your grammar and 'be the scalpel', don't just rhyme because you can and keeeeep writing
Well written!
barefootrunner
Hey Catnip! June here,
I think this poem has a lot of potential. Let's have a stab, shall we?
I don't know what the significance of similar sounding words (armless, aimless) so close together is because it doesn't continue throughout the poem except as the endings do (fight, flight). For that reason, I'm not in love with this opening, because your opening line to a poem should be something that hooks your audience and makes them want to drown in your words. I'm not sure that this pair of lines quite does that because...
...here you liken "us" to birds, which, in order to remain in the sky, need wings, which are quite analogous to arms.
From here on, I think your ideas carry a lot of weight which could do miles of work in your favor, but as it stands, they kind of flow like loose ideas that need to be tied together. Carpe sermones! Give these words the power they were meant to have, for instance, take a look here,
This part here, this stanza, is a powerful, powerful section of your poem, but we're armless and airborne, so I'm confused at how this ties together. Remember this: for every hurt, there is a story. Don't be afraid to fill your readers in with a bit of that story. Use allegory and imagery to paint the setting for us. Use fresh words, fresh ideas, (broken wings, broken birds is an excellent image, but it's frequently used. Find a way that you can tell us the same thing in your own Catnip-esque way!)
I can tell that this poem is reaching to emotional places for a story, and you need to let it do just that. I can infer what your poem is trying to tell us, but I think that there is a lot of room to clarify your message and make us better understand where this is coming from.
Hope that helps a bit!
June
Thanks so much, Juniper ^-^ You've given me a lot to think about. I'm always grateful for the help, thanks so much!
This made me wanna cry! But It's true that that happens to us sometimes without us even noticing it. Slowly dying from the inside from things like Cigarettes and Alcohol. Such a sad reality though. D:
This made me wanna cry! But It's true that that happens to us sometimes without us even noticing it. Slowly dying from the inside from things like Cigarettes and Alcohol. Such a sad reality though. D:
This made me wanna cry! But It's true that that happens to us sometimes without us even noticing it. Slowly dying from the inside from things like Cigarettes and Alcohol. Such a sad reality though. D:
Thanks so much ^-^ glad to have met you btw! <.3
oh my god this a very good poem i can totally relate to this and im not going to lie after the first two lines i was hooked. Nicely done
Thank's so much for your kindness ^-^<3
After the first stanza I was sold! Truly amazing and well written ( minus the tecnical diffuculties with the formation of the last few lines.) Best thinbg I have read in quite a long while. My poems are still quite childish and goofey which prevent them from being taken serious. I really love this, you are most definatley a gifted writer. I also love your rhyming throughout, very fluid and constant. Nice!
Thanks so much, Speakerskat ^-^ It means a lot. And lol I'm sure your work is great too and I'll be sure to check it out c:Thanks so much m-.-m
Wow Kristy you're really gifted. This is such an emotional poem and I love it. The last line is brilliant and I almost cried
you're such a talented writer, I wish I could write like you 
I can't wait to read the rest of your stuff, yes you will have reviews through the roof ;D xxx Claire
Aww, thanks again for another review, Claire c: you're too thoughtful and sweet. I really appreciate all of your kind words and I'll be sure to read your work as you submit it ^-^ x o x o
Catnip~
"I will not beg my broken heart to heal"
personally I think that statement right there is the summary of the whole poem.
Only reading that sentence on it's own is thought provoking and it gives the reader a sense of finality and strength at the same time it conveys a deeper feeling of regret and submission.
Thanks so much, Orel ^-^ You're too kind to me. <3
Hey Catnip,
I can see a line after each 'line' If that's what you did then I prefer you to remove it and if it's just n my laptop then sorry for the bother.
Anyways put it into stanzas. You did add space after each line but that's not stanzas and there is still lack of punctuation. I have edited it for you below :
Hope this helped
Thanks so much for the pointing out the grammatical errors ^-^ I don't write poetry, s I'm not familiar with how to do that kind of thing... Anyhoo, I can't put it it stanzas :c Something's bugged out with the summition box for me, and it forces me to use the lines to separate
Anyhoo, thanks so much for the review, I'll be sure to edit it like you said
It's okay Catnip. You did great by the way...
Hi there Catnip, Roxy back as requested!!
the poems lay out looks soo much better!! but the next step is to try and get rid of those black lines (Cause I'm presuming that theyre not just on my laptop?) but yes a much better form!!!
Now back to the poem!
I like the transition from "we" to "I" it was very nicely done! But you're going to have to fix up the "we??re" to "we're"
I can see that any other gramatical problems have already been discussed down below, so I wont go through them again!
i really loved this poem and the meaning behind it! If I had one comment to make is that its a little stiff, like you were holding back a little bit!
But other than that, great job!
If you need anymore help, you know where to find me!
keep up the good work!
Thanks so much, Roxy ^-^ you're such a help, and sorry for bothering you about this. And I see what you mean about it being stiff :p I'll work on that c: You're a dear, thanks so much c:
Like I said, anytime!! ^^
wow this is so deep I can't tell you that this is good because I'd be lying its great its a work of art I really enjoyed reading it and though this is the opinion of a face in a crowd of people that's long been forgotten its an opinion I put my honesty and my truth into
Thanks so much, Spacey ^-^It means a lot! <3
Hey,
First of all great poem, I enjoyed reading it and believe me I felt it as an amazing one. You definitely are a great poet and I would recommend you to write more!
There were a few mistakes though. Firstly, there were a few punctuation mistakes, I have shown them below.
According to me, there should be a comma after 'aimless flight' and again a comma after 'bitter flight'.
There should be a comma after 'heal'.
The next thing which I felt was to be corrected is the spaces... You haven't split the poem into stanzas which gives a not so 'poetic' look here. Split the poem into stanzas, now let that be of 3 or 4 or 5 lines each, doesn't matter. It gives a more pro look to the poem and the reader actually feels like to read it. If the poem was a little lengthier then this could have been a problem so I recommend you to consider it.
Don't worry this line doesn't have mistakes, actually this is my fav. line from the poem. It has the best rhythmic structure and I totally love it.
So overall, Great job done there. I enjoyed this piece. It was amazing and had minimum number of mistakes which made it much better so keep writing. If you need any help, you can always PM me or post on my wall. And yes, Good luck for your next work.
Umaima
Thanks so much, Umaima ^-^ You really built me up <3 And as far as the punctuation goes...for some reason when I posted this, it bunched the piece up into a weird, creepy little paragraph instead of the broken down lines that it was originally in :/ I need a mentor really bad :/Thanks again, love ^-^
Glad I could be of help.
Hi there, roxy here!
On first glance, I think that the idea of th piece looks intriguing, but I think that you will really need to fix the lay-out of the poem! cause currently it looks more like a paragraph than a poem! And Its quite difficult to read!
Anywho moving onto the actual poem!
i think that you have a rhyming scheme going here which is good, i could never quite get the hang of it myself!
I think that this looks like a brilliant poem, i love the whole concept of it and lines such as:
"Imprisoned among countless dead dreams
We're torn from the seams
Of our broken wings.
No one told me I stopped sleeping
And I was no longer dreaming"
i put the lines how i thought they were meant to be!
anyway I really enjoyed this poem and once you get the form fixed, it'll be even better!
Keep up the good work!
Thanks so much, Roxy ^-^ and every time I try to fix that, it doesn't work :'( the piece is supposed to be broken down in lines..... I just have to get the hang out it I guess :/
Don't you think you'd have been better off putting these in stanzas? I mean I can see the rhyming going on so why not? There is minor punctuation problem in some places. Now about the content, its interesting, the comparisons are interesting, the situations are interesting. Clearly this has been written someday when you were having some strong feeling like this. I can't really connect to it, and I honestly don't know why. :/ It could be a problem with the poem or most likely it could be a problem with me. Anyway, It has a flow, it has imagination, it has a deep message to convey. Who am I to crib about it then. Keep writing. Cheers
T
T
T
T
T
T
T
T
T
Yikes 0.o it sent "T", like, a thousand times ._. sorry lolanyhoo, thanks a bunch ^-^ and the format was supposed to be different :/
haha, okay.
Wow, this is really, good, I enjoyed it a lot. I have always liked darker things like this, but this, it was just great, I really liked it.
The theme is great.
I think it would be cool if you put it in a poem from, that would make it look a bit longer (I like short little things just like this one though.)
"I will not beg my broken heart to heal To feel Because in the end, I don’t know if we were even real."
Just, uggggg, this line, I love it! I don't know why, I just think its amazing!
Please keep putting up more work!c:
~Winter
Thanks so much c':And I had it I poem form, but it seems to have reformatted in this way, and I don't know how to fix it on here ._.
Thanks so much c':And I had it I poem form, but it seems to have reformatted in this way, and I don't know how to fix it on here ._.