Untitled

by Catfood
  • April 4, 2009
  • Poetry
  • Other

Where's deeper than deep when you've found the bottom,
Where are the answers that don't have any questions,
Where are all the things that don't lack simplicity?

When does life become the messianic kingdom,
Where is our Lord who art in Heaven,
When shall he cometh to make us whole?

~catfood

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
dancingclouds
Review
dancingclouds wrote a review · Thu Apr 16, 2009 7:19 pm

hi!
I really do like your poem but if you expanded your ideas such as your question:

"Where are all the things that don't lack simplicity?"

I think it could be brilliant!

Also I think that since you have the firt verse starting with the same question you should have the second verse starting with the same question:

"Where's deeper than deep when you've found the bottom,

Where are the answers that don't have any questions,

Where are all the things that don't lack simplicity?



When does life become the messianic kingdom,

Where is our Lord who art in Heaven,

When shall he cometh to make us whole?"

just to give it a better flow...

but if you like it. please Dont change it

dancingclouds

User avatar
bubblewrapped
Review
bubblewrapped wrote a review · Sun Apr 05, 2009 8:20 am

Hey there, welcome to YWS!

I've edited the "title" area to "Untitled" as it's easier for people to click on than a question mark. You also don't have to fill in the "subtitle" field if you don't have anything to add there :)

As to your poem, it was well executed but ultimately it came off as being pretty flat. Maybe it's because it was so short that the ideas did not get a chance to fully develop, or maybe it's because you used so many rhetorical questions. You have to be careful using questions in poetry - they have a tendency to distract the reader.

Perhaps next time you could experiment a bit with different literary devices - metaphors, similes, analogies, etc. - and poetic forms to see what suits you best. Remember to try to engage your reader, not just with questions but by involving all of their senses. Your goal is to get them to feel along with you, not to give them a homework assignment ;)

Hope to see some more of your work here soon.

Cheers,
~bubbles



The most important service rendered by the press and the magazines is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust.
— Samuel Butler