z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Dance of the Midnight Emissary- Chapter 1

by Catalyst


Obligatory Authors notes-

Hurray, another start to a series. This one, unlike so many others, I'm determined to finish. So, here's the intro, and, to whom it may concern...

Tear this to shreds.

The dirigible drifted lazily over the city. Colourful sails were splayed wide, arching over the single large balloon that kept the aircraft afloat. A generously sized tarp hung over the balloon, its rich purples and brilliant golds dulled by the moonlight. The city stretched out beneath, a sea of dark tiles. Amidst the wider, central streets, fiercely burning lamps were strewn amidst the banners and flags.

The dining car of the dirigible was a room laden with indulgence. It seemed that not an inch of the room had been spared from being polished and gilded. The extravagant meal set on the central table was near untouched, ordered there by the host more as a formality than from necessity. Bottles of liquor however, had not been spared. Bottles cluttered any space to be spared on the tables. Some lay on the floor, cast aside. Many were simply in the hands of the guests, crystal glasses long forgotten in the haze of intoxication. Brilliant shafts of light struck the room from the crystal chandelier, highlighting the otherwise quite loathsome scene.

The guests, some of the most influential figures in the city, sat in a rough circle of padded chairs, which had been unceremoniously heaved over by the servants, who were now quietly battling to mask their disdain in the corners of the room, along with two guards. Drunken laughs punctuated the conversation at regular intervals. Although, as conversation assumes that another partakes in it, it was more of a speech than a conversation. The speech was being delivered by the host for the evening, Lord Baelrom, a rather stout man with but a few hairs stubbornly clinging onto his balding head, and a grey stubble on his chin. His small, dark eyes were now glazed and unfocused. His waistcoat was open, revealing a shirt that bore several blotches of fallen wine, and a number of other unidentifiable substances. He was presently prattling in a knowing manner.

“…well, you see, the fellow has been chasing me all month about his factory. I’ve told my assistant to burn any that come my way now. It’s simply all you can do with these people, from the lower classes.” A chorus of distracted murmurs of agreement followed.

One of the older men in the circle, Lord Daemon, clicked his fingers impatiently, signalling a servant. One walked over, offering a tray of Valerian Red Wine. The Old man eyed the label with dismay, accepting a glass. After a dissatisfied sip, he addressed Baelrom.

“Jack, eh? I know the man, met him once. I believe he was doing some work for a friend of mine, in the Western Quarter. Quite insufferable, yes…” The man trailed off, taking a sip of his wine.

For a moment, the party followed suit, sipping, casting bored looks around the room.

“We need more wine, that’s it!” Exclaimed one of the women, Lady Salriem.

“I think I’ll be retiring for the evening, myself” replied another woman, Lady Kael, one of the less intoxicated guests.

“I’ll have none of it! The night has hardly begun!” Cried Lord Baelrom.

Lady Kael sighed, setting her glass down. “The years grow long, Baelrom. The novelty of this festival is long past. As is the joy of it. The people make these festivals up from nothing, simply to add some cheer to a dreary year. If anything, we should be drinking this liquor to forget, rather than to celebrate”. A few murmurs of “true” and “A terrible year, yes” sounded from the various guests.

Apparently encouraged by the response of her near unconscious audience, she continued, removing some stray locks of brown hair from her eyes as she spoke. “I suppose it’s just a sign of the times. I had to reach into my inheritance for the first time last week, the first time in years, Baelrom. Did you hear the Queen is having new barriers set up around the slums? I hardly feel safe in my own home, never-mind in the markets”.

During this time, Baelrom had developed a textbook example of a panicked expression, as he spluttered to regain spirits. After a moment of desperately searching his mind for a retort, he sighed in defeat, sinking back into his chair.

“I suppose your right. You know, I’d wager we’d be better off if the Queen had simply-“

The tortured shriek of metal ripped through the dirigible, followed by a deafening crash.

The party stood, spooked by the sudden noise. The room swayed slightly. Baelrom, his face an impossible mixture of worry and relief, stood, addressing one of the servants, speaking quite loudly over the distraught buzzing that erupted from the guests.

“Go check upstairs with the captain, see what’s the meaning of this, tell him-“

He was cut off yet again, yet this time, instead of the shriek of metal, it was a ringing gunshot. Baelrom froze, pale. The two guards by the wall snapped to attention, unsheathing their blades. They each drew a gun from their belts. The guns shone dully, a standard, if highly decorated pistol. The particular model was infamous for its incredible power.

A low shuffling was heard from the next room. Footsteps.

The guests, who were frozen in place, casting uncomfortable glances around the room, relaxed slightly. It was only a single pair of footsteps. Most likely the captain coming to assure them the attack was over, or that it was a simple accident.

The door opened.

A small figure walked in, just around five feet in height. Their frame was shrouded by an ebony black cloak, its layers hung together bound by a bright, silver pin. The hood was drawn over a mask resembled the masks of the plague doctors. The mask itself was the colour of ivory, perhaps even made from the material. A dark, crimson strike ran across its surface, racing past the emotionless eyes within. Blood.

The masked figure strode in, daggers gleaming In hand.

A shot exploded from the guard’s gun, a racing ribbon of flame and smoke bolting across the room. The figure flew back, landing against the wall. The mask shattered into a thousand pieces, revealing the gruesome remains of the face, a mass of shattered skull and flesh. A scream erupted from one of the onlookers.

Lord Baelrom, who had been huddled with the guests in the back, rose, wiping sweat from his forehead with a cloth, shakily mimicking composure.

“V-very good. Very good. I’ll… you’ll be rewarded handsomely for this… I…” A shaky breath escaped him, echoed by tenfold behind him. “Would you mind checking the damage done upstairs?”

The guard nodded, turning to leave, followed the other. They readied their guns, adopting a wary stance as they left, shutting the door behind them. Baelrom turned, attempting to calm his guests.

A minute passed like this, as order began to return. Shaking hands brought drinks to quivering lips.

A low tapping came from behind. Baelrom and the other guests spun around. The corpse lay where it had. But the finger…

The finger was twitching.

Lady Salriem’s mouth hung open in a muted scream.

Blood began to crawl along the floor, scarlet droplets floating back into place. Flesh stitched itself together, winding threads spinning meat, bone, skin. The assassin’s face became whole again, as if time had been cast back as an afterthought. Eyes spun wildly in their sockets, pupils snapping into place. The woman stood, as the final strands of flesh were woven back into place. She brushed crimson stained ivory- what was left of the mask- off of her cloak. Black curtains of hair fell into place.

The guests, frozen, eyes bright in horror and disbelief.

A menacing smile curled on the assassin’s lips, bearing all the evil of whatever nightmarish God that had allowed such an occurrence. Dark eyes glinted in knowingness. She bent down, picking up her daggers in a graceful, swift motion. She turned to her audience.

“That hurt”.

And she set to work.


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Mon Dec 07, 2015 8:33 pm
JayBlu wrote a review...



This was....damn. Baelrom, I couldn't say he was pompous or anything like that. Not really. Nothing about his manner or even speech suggested being overly arrogant in nature. Yes, considering everyone mentions the "Queen", the "slums", and so on, plus other descriptions, I'm sure they are quite wealthy. Excessive amounts of money do not always corrupt one's moral judgement, though it is common, yes I will admit that. However, as of yet, nothing said by any suggested such a thing. Well except for one person anyways. If anything, the only thing Baelrom said that suggested anything was when he mentioned some factory worker, chasing him. We do not know the reasons behind his attitude, therefore we can't accurately judge his character just yet. Not just yet. Lord Daemon knew the same man apparently, maybe they both disliked this "factory man" because of a personality trait of his own? I don't know, though I'm assuming you don't mean it that way and this Lord Daemon and Lord Baelrom are arseholes. I'm sure they are naturally, I was just saying, very little concrete evidence suggested as much.

Lady Kael of course, was the only one who struck me entirely as well....not good in simple terms. She mentions having to dip into an inheritance for the "first" time. Considering where they eat, the amount of wine, the amount of untouched and wasted food that will most likely thrown away afterwards, she if anything, is the very person who seems rather....er..pompous. I disliked her as soon as she mentioned such, according to your previous descriptions of the food and drink available.

Lord Daemon seemed dissatisfied with the wine. Maybe it was a shoddy brew and he can't be entirely accused of arrogance and over-indulgence just yet. Though I'm sure it's headed for the arsehole aristocracy sort of theme, so I'll digress of course. Over and all, this assassin, a woman with long black hair and emotionless eyes....she seems....intriguing. I wonder if all Immortals are like her? Time and so much more time having bled away her emotions except of course, for anger and obviously...hostility towards the aristocracy of the said town in discussion. Or maybe she's a special and well....rather violent case.

Who knows? As for a plague....is this why the slums are blockaded apart from the rest of the city, especially the Queen's quarters? Or is there something else more....confrontational awaiting and lying in store for her and whatever members of the aristocracy happen to survive this ordeal. Though, should any of them really survive if they are as the story and you yourself subtle suggest? I'll be waiting to find out. Or rather, I'll be heading to read Chapter Two soon enough. I said I'd follow this until you stopped writing it or finished it, and I plan to of course.

Later yo!!




Catalyst says...


Hey there, thanks for the review!
I didn't really intend for Baelrom or Daemon to be loathsomely pompous, just to have their ignorance of lower classes and their
upbringing be present in their conversations.
When I mention Lady Kael's inheritance, she says- "I had to reach into my inheritance for the first time last week, the first time in years"
So, she is definitely a character of profligacy and indulgence, but is simply very well supported financially.
Judging by your questions, it seems like you've taken all the hints in your stride, and I will say, your certainly coming to the right conclusions
Happy Writing!



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Fri Dec 04, 2015 1:27 pm
Biluata wrote a review...



Hello there! Luata here for the first review I'm doing this lovely morning. It's rather dreary where I live though, all clouds and no sunshine! Anyhow, I like the format that MadWriter7 used in the review below, so I may have to copy. It should help format my reviews a bit more!

Now, being a bit of a capricious reader myself, when I saw "shadows" in the description was I both entranced and made cautious, as many times the role of 'shadows" in a novel is horrendously overplayed and made so cliche one can hardly stand it, but I must applaud you at this time for an amazing job in incorporating all parts needed for a successful first chapter and leaving the reader [me] with an eager longing for chapter two!

Unlike MadWriter7, though, I think your personification of the characters were beautiful! I could pick up on the immense boredom Lady Kael had and am already having premonitions of what role she might play later [unless of course she dies, but she seems like one of those characters that keep popping up, but of course, I could be wrong!] I could also pick up on the pompous attitude of Lord Baelstrom, I think it is. You do a wonderful job of influencing who the readers like and dislike when it comes to characters, a very important skill for any novelist!

I didn't pick up on hardly any grammar mistakes to nitpick at, so congratulations on that!

Your plot moves along quite nicely and smoothly and I can't wait to read chapter two! I'm very excited to learn some more about this mysterious assassin who is unaffected [sort of] after being shot point blank!
Great job!
Write on,
~Luata




Catalyst says...


Hey there! Thank-you very much for the review!
Firstly, I have to say I do agree more with MadWriter on the whole "personality" thing, although I will say that, seeing as all the characters died during that seen (just to clear that up) I have somewhat of an excuse. Well, not really, but whatever!
Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it, and hopefully Chapter 2 will be out soon... ish...



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Thu Dec 03, 2015 11:10 pm
Charm wrote a review...



First of all, when I saw that you wrote something that I could review I got really excited. Before I start reviewing I want you to know I really excited to see what your writing is like :)

Some Praise:
The first paragraph is amazing. Your description flows clearly and I just the image you are painting with your words. Your writing style has a elegant and graceful way of describing a beautiful scene. I really love of sinister and bad-a you made the assassin. I love the phrase "set to work". As soon as I heard that I imagine her gracefully bouncing around daggers in hand, slicing open guts and throats. Also daggers are my favorite weapon so when I saw that it made me happy.

Grammar:
You don't need to capitalize the first letter after dialogue. Also your periods go inside the quotes.

Characters:
The characters were very well described. I didn't get much of a feel of their personalities, though.

Plot:
The plot was mostly clear. But when Lady Salriem died I had to read over a few times to understand what happened. I'm still a little confused of what happened. When the assassin said "That hurt" I was very confused. What hurt?

Sentences you might want to look at:
"The Old man eyed the label with dismay, accepting a glass."
"Valerian Red Wine" (Do you need to capitalize red wine? It is possible that I am wrong.)
"'We need more wine, that’s it!' Exclaimed one of the women, Lady Salriem." ("That's it" sounds little off maybe rephrase it)
"He was cut off yet again, yet this time, instead of the shriek of metal, it was a ringing gunshot."
“That hurt”.

Comments:
Please inform me when chapter 2 is up!




Catalyst says...


Hey there! Thank-you very much for a review. You make some very good points about characterization and plot, so I'd just like to address a few of your points.
Firstly, Lady Salriem didn't die, when I said "her mouth was open in a muted scream" that was as she watched the assassin reform, not from death, although I see the confusion.
Also, when the assassin said "that hurt" she was referring to getting shot in the face, in a menacing, cynical way that drove home her immortality. Anyway, thank-you very much for reviewing, I'll be releasing chapter 2 quite soon, and I'd love to check out some of your work.




Journeys end in lovers' meeting.
— William Shakespeare