Hi there Cat_15! Lim here with a review.
First Impressions
That was quite a moving and dramatic ending. I sympathised with Aylin’s sense of regret the most, though she came across as having a flurry of different emotions, including anger and fear. I like that there’s that complexity there. I’m pretty sure that the cloaked person turned out to be Violet, and I thought that was a cool twist that links back to the beginning. (The title mentions this is supposed to be a final scene, so I’m guessing it would be more obvious that the cloaked figure is Violet to someone who’s read the whole story!)
Characters
I thought Aylin’s emotions and how they change were conveyed really well. I found it believable that she had been planning this revenge for years with details like:
I had been anticipating him talking about my dead father, but hearing those words still hurt.
I also particularly like how you used the thoughts in bold italics. Usually, writing out exactly what a character is thinking tends to lead to more ‘telling’ than ‘showing’, but I didn’t see that here. Any information that was given through the italics felt like it was necessary to understand the context. There were also thoughts like “The color is beautiful” that don’t outright say what Aylin is feeling but suggest it in a vivid way – for example, her observation of the sun’s colour suggests she’s realising how badly she doesn’t want to die.
Setting
Something I think could be added to this work could be more of a sense of setting. I get that it’s an action-focused scene, so there’s not really time for a lot of lengthy setting description, but I’m thinking something more like how big the room is (does loud talking echo there, suggesting it’s cavernous? Or is a cramped space?), if there’s furniture the characters bump into while doing all that fighting, and maybe a sense of where it was that Aylin and Violet were staying before Aylin came to Lord Sullivan’s house. I liked the detail that the floor was marble white, and I think having just a tad more of that would help me imagine the scene and put myself in the main character’s shoes.
Plot
I liked the pacing of the story. It felt quick, but the emotional moments lingered long enough for me to feel them as a reader. Since I’m reading it as a standalone piece rather than as a chapter, I like that Violet is mentioned in the beginning and then comes back at the end. That makes the appearance of a ‘cloaked figure’ midway through the story feel more purposeful and intentional.
Overall
I think this has a solid plot and character arc for a short, though could also work as part of a larger story. The writing style at times feels a bit more on the experimental side (which is why I somewhat prefer it being a short), for example the repetition of “I have to open my eyes” doesn’t feel like a conventional technique in a novel. It also comes across as being poetic at times, especially in the lines of thoughts/ internal monologue. If you’re thinking of editing or revising, as I said, my main suggestion would be to spend a bit of extra wordcount on the sense of place.
Hope this helps and let me know if you’d like any more feedback! (Also feel free to ask me questions if something I said in this review was unclear!)
-Lim
Points: 41664
Reviews: 542
Donate