Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Royal Anarchy- Lord Sullivan and Aylin final scene

by Cat_15


My heart is pounding; my eyes are full of tears; my nose is bleeding. This is the end. I have nothing left, no plan or scheme, nothing left to save me. I left Violet, she has no idea that I am here. You did this to yourself. She said you couldn't handle this. She was right. She was always right.

My hands are crushed beneath Lord Sullivan's feet. His savage smile never stopped taunting me. Says the girl who traveled miles to kill him. How did that turn out for you? His eyes only widened when he drew his sword. I thrash my arms, hoping by some miracle I could break free, but every time I move it is pure agony. You have blamed this man for every bad thing that has happened to you. How did you think it was going to end?

My pleading cries ring through the room. Two men stood at the door, unmoved by his cruelty. I guess these men have seen him do this before.

Then he spoke. “Why don’t you tell your dear old father hello for me? It was a pity he got too curious all those years ago, he was quite a nice man.” I had been anticipating him talking about my dead father, but hearing those words still hurt.

"You have no right-" I am out of breath before I finish the sentence. "to talk about my father that way." He took away my father before I could even get the chance to learn that he was a nice man.

You became obsessed. You wasted your life searching relentlessly for the man who took your family from you. Look where that got you- on the cold floor of his house, playing a waiting game with death.

I want to shake away the thoughts that wrack my brain, even as I wait for death to coddle me in its arms, it stays strong.

I see him holding his sword and straightening his elbow. The medal shines in the rising sunlight coming through the nearby window. The color is beautiful.

I see his chest rise and fall once more before I turn my head and clench my eyes- as if it would change anything about my impending fate. I am so sorry, Violet, you deserve better.

A sting of pain courses through my back. So, this is what it is to die.

Something is wrong. Why is he waiting? You've fallen so far that even death doesn't want you.

Pressure is relieved from my hands.

I open my eyes as wide as I can manage.

Everything is a blur.

A man is falling to the ground.

My consciousness is fleeting in and out. I try to keep my eyes open for as long as possible. Fight, fight for your life.

When I look up, I see a black cloak. It dances around the bodies of men before they fall.

More people are on the ground. The once-white marble floors are now flooded with red. A giant wave of adrenaline rushes through my body as I watch the mysterious cloak float around the room.

I know the cloak. It was there when this whole mess started.

The man that was once standing on my hands is now fighting the cloak. Every movement of the man is matched by the black cloth. They move all around the room as if they were dancing.

I close my eyes for a second and the two are at the window with the rising sun. I see the cloak’s eyes. They reflect the sun's gaze of flames; red, yellow, and orange fire consumes them. The cloak is a monster, and I am not afraid.

I close my eyes for the last time. I don't want to be ready.

“Aylin!” I hear my name shouted, followed by a gunshot.

✧✧✧✧✧✧

Wet drips on my forehead, it is too soft for rain. Am I alive?

I have to open my eyes.

I have to open my eyes.

I have to open my eyes.

I have to open my eyes.

I have to open my eyes.

I have to open my eyes.

OPEN YOUR EYES!

Shouts ring in my ears.

“Idiot” Is repeated over and over and over.

Hands hold my face. They are cold. They are small. They are gentle. They are calloused. I open my heavy eyes. I love her hands.

Her eyes are no longer flaming. They are soft and gray. I love her eyes.

I reach up for the hood of the cloak and push it back. She repositions to meet my hand. I love her face.

Her hair is light blonde, but it almost looks white. I love her hair.

I know I know this girl, but I can’t think of how.

“Aylin, I swear if you die, I will kill you.” She lets out a whimper. I love her voice.

Her voice triggers something inside of me. Memories start to flood before me as if I were stuck by a tidal wave of emotions. I see the girl in almost everyone. You saw her in the fire that took your parents. You saw her in the streets, fighting off the drunkards. You saw her at the dances, blending into the background. You saw her in your bed, holding you until you stopped crying. You saw her sleeping in that same bed before you left her.

I see her laugh, I see her shout, and now, I see her cry.


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436 Reviews


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Tue Nov 29, 2022 12:09 pm
Liminality wrote a review...



Hi there Cat_15! Lim here with a review.

First Impressions

That was quite a moving and dramatic ending. I sympathised with Aylin’s sense of regret the most, though she came across as having a flurry of different emotions, including anger and fear. I like that there’s that complexity there. I’m pretty sure that the cloaked person turned out to be Violet, and I thought that was a cool twist that links back to the beginning. (The title mentions this is supposed to be a final scene, so I’m guessing it would be more obvious that the cloaked figure is Violet to someone who’s read the whole story!)

Characters

I thought Aylin’s emotions and how they change were conveyed really well. I found it believable that she had been planning this revenge for years with details like:

I had been anticipating him talking about my dead father, but hearing those words still hurt.

I also particularly like how you used the thoughts in bold italics. Usually, writing out exactly what a character is thinking tends to lead to more ‘telling’ than ‘showing’, but I didn’t see that here. Any information that was given through the italics felt like it was necessary to understand the context. There were also thoughts like “The color is beautiful” that don’t outright say what Aylin is feeling but suggest it in a vivid way – for example, her observation of the sun’s colour suggests she’s realising how badly she doesn’t want to die.

Setting

Something I think could be added to this work could be more of a sense of setting. I get that it’s an action-focused scene, so there’s not really time for a lot of lengthy setting description, but I’m thinking something more like how big the room is (does loud talking echo there, suggesting it’s cavernous? Or is a cramped space?), if there’s furniture the characters bump into while doing all that fighting, and maybe a sense of where it was that Aylin and Violet were staying before Aylin came to Lord Sullivan’s house. I liked the detail that the floor was marble white, and I think having just a tad more of that would help me imagine the scene and put myself in the main character’s shoes.

Plot

I liked the pacing of the story. It felt quick, but the emotional moments lingered long enough for me to feel them as a reader. Since I’m reading it as a standalone piece rather than as a chapter, I like that Violet is mentioned in the beginning and then comes back at the end. That makes the appearance of a ‘cloaked figure’ midway through the story feel more purposeful and intentional.

Overall

I think this has a solid plot and character arc for a short, though could also work as part of a larger story. The writing style at times feels a bit more on the experimental side (which is why I somewhat prefer it being a short), for example the repetition of “I have to open my eyes” doesn’t feel like a conventional technique in a novel. It also comes across as being poetic at times, especially in the lines of thoughts/ internal monologue. If you’re thinking of editing or revising, as I said, my main suggestion would be to spend a bit of extra wordcount on the sense of place.

Hope this helps and let me know if you’d like any more feedback! (Also feel free to ask me questions if something I said in this review was unclear!)

-Lim




Cat_15 says...


Thank you so much! I deeply appreciate the feedback and it gives me a lot to work on and improve so thank you!



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289 Reviews


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Reviews: 289

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Sun Nov 27, 2022 8:42 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



Hello! Is this part of a bigger story? I liked the writing and there was a good amount of emotion in the scene but as I don't really know how this fits into a bigger story I couldn't really connect with any of it.

I liked the repetition of 'I love her...' that was a nice touch and was a good way to show how the MC is waking and how their thoughts are being pieced back together.

There was enough here to have me intrigued as to what this scene fits into, especially the end with the mystery woman!




Cat_15 says...


This is part of a bigger story that I am working on. Thank you.




Go and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here.
— Neil Gaiman