This is a novel I have just started, set in the Victorian Times. It was previously set in 1920 but it was far too hard for me to write as I barely knew anything about that time period and started this novel on a whim. I've rethought it, and planned and rewritten the whole plot and now it is in the Victorian Times, and Anne is no longer blind, due to the changed storyline. I know this is a very short first chapter; I will presently be elongating it.It's lacking something so I'd be grateful for harsh reviews.
Anne read. Seated in the creaking armchair, thin legs crossed. Her slippered feet hung off the ankles at odd slants. The flimsy sleeve of her blue muslin frock loosely hung off her white shoulder. One thin white arm draped carelessly over the edge of the chair, the other clenching the book tightly at its spine. Engrossed, she stared at the pages through her strange dark eyes, starred with bristly black lashes.
Outside, dawn was breaking. Streaks of light flowed in streams, checkering the room. Anne could feel the warmth shocking her face. Her eyes crinkled. They looked like smouldering tea, pools of light flitting inside the liquid brown. Clumsily, she ran bony fingers through her hair. The light-coloured feathers stuck up awkwardly, a golden coronet raised around her head.
Anne heard the familiar bark resound through the room and, startled, dropped her book. It landed face down on the floor, its pages spread out like crushed wings.
She dropped to her knees and groped around on the periwinkle carpet, her fingers closing protectively around her book. She stood up on wobbly legs and nursed it in her frail arms, like a child. She stroked the emerald cover lovingly, running her fingertips along the engraved title, feeling each crease and indent worn into the leather.
The bark echoed again, the sound grating in Anne’s ears. Then the creature responsible bounded into the room excitedly, an endearing mess of tangled brown fur, scrabbling paws and dewy eyes. It pressed its damp muzzle firmly but gently into her palm. She gave in and abandoned the book on the floor.
“Oh, you,” Anne murmured fondly. She cradled the head in her lap, feeling the dog’s velvety ears prick up every time a breath evaded her lips.
Her mother hobbled inside presently, sighing grievously with each creak of the floorboards, as if they pained her. She eased herself down on a rocking chair facing her daughter and placed her gnarled hands in her lap. The wrinkles etched into her face were like a confused map; roads, boulevards and streets intersecting in strange patterns.
Anne stretched out her hand and intertwined it with her mother’s, tracing each vein, bulge, every soft indentation in the withered skin.
“Anne,” started her mother. She grabbed her daughter’s hand and squeezed it tightly, her breath quickening. “Anne, we have not sufficient money to pay."
The young woman broke away from her mother’s grip, curling up in the armchair and wrapping her arms around herself. “Surely there must be some means of paying,” she said, her voice cracking through her effort to restrain the tears. Anne never cried in front of anybody. Never. “Though firm, the landlord is a fair man. We will explain matters to him and..."
“No, my dear. The lodgings at this dastardly boarding-house have risen in price, inexplicably. I do not know what we can do to prevent it.”
“But Mother!” Anne interjected, her tealight eyes brimming. “Who knows what will become of us if we are thrown out now? A workhouse? The factories?"
Her mother flinched and avoided Anne's imploring gaze. At sixty years old, Ethel Lincombe still had no knowledge of how to deal with family quarrels. She preferred to keep quiet and listen.
“This cannot happen, Mother," Anne continued, lowering her voice. "It simply cannot."
“It will.” Anne's mother drew a letter out of her apron pocket and unfolded it with trembling fingers. “'Tis all in here, Anne."
Anne refused to cry like a spoilt infant, in front of her mother, so she retreated to her bedroom. She sat on the bed, trying to ignore the dust she could feel sticking to the fabric of her dress, and the broken slat cracking even more underneath her weight. She choked back angry tears till they formed a painful lump in her throat. The dog scratched at the door, but Anne ignored it.
Outside, Anne's book lay crumpled on the floor, abandoned.
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140,870 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
Named after Sarah Walters lesbian love story of the same name, ja? Decent pace, nice plot laying out, I shall read more. Although the character of Anne, annoyance doesn't cover it. Yeah. I hope this continues to be decent. I'll see.
Hey, Sarah, Stella here!
I thought I might make a start on these
I. NITPICKS
I'd get rid of streams, else it's like: "Streaks? Streams? Checkered?" It makes it confusing as to what the light is like.
My dog puts her head in your lap like that too
This is a bit talking heads. Try something like: "The boarding house's lodgings have risen in price" or something
Okay...
II. LESS IS MORE
Just a small note on language. Don't always feel that the big words are necessarily the best, sometimes it makes your piece a bit overbearing. Like, don't shove an adverb in there for the sake of an adverb. If you need it, use it, if it's unnecessary, cut it.
III. I DON'T KNOW WHAT A TRACKER MORTGAGE IS
(^^ if you're wondering what on earth I'm on about, http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=l74083zafAM will make it make sense.)
It's just the way that her mother comes in and says "We can't afford it" at the break of dawn. It just seems a bit forced. Try and soften the dialogue so it builds up to that, even if it's just "Hey, how are you?" sort of stuff.
IV. OVERALL
You introduce your MC and your story which is what a beginning is supposed to do, and you do it tastefully
Hope I helped, and PM me if you have any questions!
-Stella x
Hello, Castles. Thought I'd started reviewing these, for you.
There is an unusual viewpoint change in this. For this chapter, are we saying that Anne's point of view is principle? If so, how does she know what her eyes look like? What you can see right now is what your character should see, since every line is one that brings out the story through emotions and points of view. It also goes onto the fact of her blindness, in which case she see nothing, and thus her vision is the liquid brown.
Thing about the words you use, also.
What is the necessity of "clumsily"? How can you do that clumsily, anyway? It adds little to the piece, and thus be best removed.
If it were familiar, why would it startle her? I'd just get rid of that adjective.
Not necessary, since a bark is a sound.
That was it for nitpicks, I believe, but there's more to say. I'm actually wondering about emotions at this point--it flowed well, but as the dialogue progressed there was no reason for me to pay much attention to it. I enjoyed the style, the description and all the rest, but at the end, we need to know more about what Anne is thinking. What we are given is that she was crying, but why? Sure, she's sad and let down but there are things that we think and aren't expressed through our actions. We worry about consequences and ask "what if" questions.
It also goes into responses. For example, having your character horrified at something said is a sure way to explore her in depth. Do the words sting her like a bee? Does she feel betrayed? Sick? Why? How? These are things that grab people's interest, and it's fundamental in a first chapter. Let me give you an example. If you are sitting in a room with a coffee, and a man opens his mobile on starts talking about his divorce, what you find more interesting? The date of the divorce, or what led to it? These apply to fiction--show us emotions and thoughts, since we're gong with you character for a while and we will at least need to get to know her a bit.
In its entirety, I did enjoy this! Now, I haven't said that in a while. I hope this helped.
Best,
Mark
Merry -
Thanks for reading. Um, I spell coloured the English way, lol. ^_^ And lol, I was using feathers as a metaphor, not that she literally had feathers in her hair. 
Victorian times? What?! Sarah, you seriously know what I like! Um, wouldn't the 1920's be the Edwardian era? Here. (http://www.erasofelegance.com/index.html) check that website out. It might help. I will definitely try my best at the harsh reviewing.
That's it? This hasn't caught my interest, yet. It's very short and quite boring.
Muslin's, in the Victorian era? I'm not going to sound harsh, but why don't you study what they wear back in that time period. Ladies wore muslin's in the Regency era. You know, the Jane Austen era. Ladies in the Victorian times wore puffed sleeves, A-shaped gowns, and a lot of designs on their dresses. These people in these times were very fashionable, and cared what they wore. But I'm guessing your MC isn't one on those ladies. Right?
This might sound lame, but how are her eyes strange?
Usually colored, doesn't have a U with it. Anyway, if she has feathers in her hair, that points out that she is quite fashionable.
I don't know a lot about dogs, but this description helps a bit.
Good, but also strange in a way.
A boarding house? Isn't that just for young ladies and not their mothers also?
Tealight ~ separate. And that is true. If they lose all their possessions and fortune, they will be forced to work in factories and such. So good job with that.
Ethel. Huh. I haven't heard that name before.
What's in the letter? I'm curious.
In spoilt. Takle out the T and put in an E and D. So it should be spoiled.
*Sarah
To be honest, this chapter one hasn't caught my interest, yet. But I will read on, to see if it can change my thoughts toward this story.
Anyway, I would study and research the Victorian era and everything about it. I have done it, and I'm positive that searching information will help you.
I'm going to read chapter two, now. Good job!
*Merry
Well, everyone's pointed out the tense confusion thing.
Other than that, my critiquing skills aren't good enough to pick up anymore flaws.
If there even are anymore
I like the description of her mother's face. That was so awesome.
The setting and everything has this appealing quality to me,
And right now I'm wondering what the sotry is going to be about.
Great job
Oh, and what was that note about a 'wallflower'?
'Ello Sarah.
I like Victorian and Regency era stories, so I quite enjoyed this. The nit-picks were already pointed out but I will say that I think your execution could be a tad bit better. Your choice in words are lovely and it would make this even better if your descriptions were more vibrant.
I loved the description of the mother's face. I've never seen wrinkles described in that way. And the last line was a great way to end this.
Well good job and I'm off to the next chapter,
Ta
~Angel
I like a lot of the concepts you have hidden in this, but the execution is choppy and awkward. I think a few of these could be combined into longer, more flowing sentences, which I think will bring a lot of your descriptions to life.
Again, it is a lovely concept, and I quite enjoy the refreshment of you trying to describe in new and exciting ways, but in this case, this early in the story I think it is more confusing than anything to describe her hair as 'feathers'. Maybe set this line aside for later, when the reader is out of the place of getting into the story and wondering if this girl really does have feathers for hair. :]
It's a little confusing, because I know what you mean, that she nursed the book like it was a child. But this can also be read as she was like a child in the way she nursed the book. Just thought I might bring the confusion to your attention a bit.
Stunning description.
The first comma is unnecessary.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Characterization:
I can tell that you're intentions were to have a blind character. If you changed that fact, you might want to change a few of the details here, after all, a humans primary sense is sight, even if as writers we wish to stray from the normal and be creative. Creativity is wonderful, if it stays true to life it's even better. (Unless of course, it's Fantasy.)
Plot:
I get a sense of something coming. Neither more nor less than to be expected for a first chapter.
Overall:
I thought this was good. Almost too short to get a sense of what was going on, but with some polishing I really enjoy reading your writing style.
However, there was one detail I thought I might bring up:
Personally, I love the Victorian Era. Everything about it. And reading a book from that time fascinates me as well. But there is a problem for the writer, in this case, you, and that neither of us have ever lived in that time period. So your job is to make it believable and accurate, and mine is to trust that you're doing so.
Now, we all know that people spoke differently then, more eloquent, slang of a different kind. Their syntax was different, the diction, in a word- poised. Not forced.
It seemed to me, that in several instances during the dialogue, you wanted your characters to sound so authentic that they...didn't. Simple can be beautiful. Let the words flow. Put yourself in your characters minds, hear their thoughts and feel their feelings, study the time period and fall into it as well. It should feel as natural as if you were there, speaking the words with your very own time.
This sounds forced and awkward. Or maybe that's just me.
In this order, the words are just confusing. Not authentic. It makes me jump back and think, and wonder why it's written that way before remembering. Oh, the time period.
Any questions, feel free to PM me.
-JC
Just to say, Chapter 2 should be out soon.
Thanks for reading, Kirsten.
Seeing as it's set in the 1920s, the language isn't going to be that archaic. Have you seen any Charlie Chaplin films? They're set in America but the dialogue would be pretty much the same.
The 1920s was basically post-war Britain, if that gives you a better idea of it.
This is a novel I have just started, set in 1920. I didn't want to put it in historical fiction, though, as it covers multiple genres. If anyone has any information on this time period they could PM me, I would be very grateful. I know this is a very short first chapter; I will presently be elongating it.It's lacking something so I'd be grateful for harsh reviews.
carpet, her fingers closing protectively around her book. She stood up on wobbly legs and nursed it in her frail arms, like a child. She stroked the emerald cover lovingly, running her fingertips along the engraved title, feeling each crease and indent worn into the leather.
Once again I take my hat off to you for that Sarah.
If you're writing in third person I personally don't think it matters. Enchanting, and beautiful. Oh so beautiful Sarah. Your protaganists as usual are gorgeous people, much like yourself........x
Anne read. Seated in the creaking armchair, thin legs crossed. Her slippered feet hung off the ankles at odd slants. The flimsy sleeve of her blue muslin frock loosely hung off her white shoulder. One thin white arm draped carelessly over the edge of the chair, the other clenching the book tightly at its spine. Engrossed, she stared at the pages through her strange dark eyes, starred with bristly black lashes.
Outside, dawn was breaking. Streaks of light flowed in streams, checkering the room. Anne could feel the warmth shocking her face. Her eyes crinkled. They looked like smouldering tea, pools of light flitting inside the liquid brown. Clumsily, she ran bony fingers through her hair. The light-coloured feathers stuck up awkwardly, a golden coronet raised around her head.
Anne heard the familiar bark resound through the room and, startled, dropped her book. It landed face down on the floor, its pages spread out like crushed wings.
Tears filled her eyes and she groped around on the periwinkleI adore that word
The bark echoed again, the sound grating in Anne’s ears. Then the creature responsible bounded into the room excitedly, an endearing mess of tangled brown fur, scrabbling paws and dewy eyes. It pressed its damp muzzle firmly but gently into her palm. She gave in and placed the book on the table, re-seating herself.
“Oh, you,” Anne murmured fondly. She cradled the head in her lap, feeling the dog’s velvety ears prick up every time a breath evaded her lips. At least with him, she didn’t feel embarrassed about her ineptness.
Her mother hobbled inside presently, sighing grievously with each creak of the floorboards, as if they pained her. She eased herself down on a rocking chair facing her daughter and placed her gnarled hands in her lap. The wrinkles etched into her face were like a confused map; roads, boulevards and streets intersecting in strange patterns. Beautiful imagery
Anne stretched out her hand and intertwined it with her mother’s, tracing each vein, bulge, every soft indentation in the withered skin.
“Anne,” started her mother. She grabbed her daughter’s hand and squeezed it tightly, her breath quickening. “Anne, we are not going to be able to pay.”
The young woman broke away from her mother’s grip, curling up in the armchair and wrapping her arms around herself. “There must be a way,” she said, her voice cracking. “Surely the landlord will let us owe the rent...he must understand how important this is.” I'm not too sure about the dialogue, I think it might be a tad modern. Although, it might be fine on the other hand. Just, think of the language used in books such as Wuthering Heights, this is set less than a hundred years later so maybe the dialogue is a bit too modern.
“No, my dear. There’s not enough money for anything. Not the rent, not the operation, not even for food.”
“But Mother!” Anne interjected, her tealight eyes brimming. “It’s impossible. We’ve waited so long, we all have. I want to see, Mother. I want to be able to see again. We have to keep trying.”
“Dear, I’ve worked the skin off my back to bring in the money. We both have. It is not going to work.”
“But...but we can’t just turn away the doctor. He will have come all this way for nothing. We can’t just tell him we cannot afford it. This can’t happen.”
“It will.” Anne heard the crinkling of paper, as her mother unfolded a letter. “It’s all in here. We’re going to lose the apartment in a month if we don’t find rent. Your eye operation’s no longer our main concern.”
Anne refused to cry like a spoilt infant, in front of her mother, so she retreated to her bedroom. She sat on the bed, trying to ignore the dust she could feel sticking to the fabric of her dress, and the broken slat cracking even more underneath her weight. She choked back angry tears till they formed a painful lump in her throat. The dog scratched at the door, but Anne ignored it.
She curled up miserably on the lumpy mattress and closed her eyes. She wondered how long it was going to be until she could read a book, instead of holding blank pages and imagining the words for herselfBeautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
Plot.
I adore it, uncliched, interesting, endearing. Everything a good plot should be
Characterization.
This is definitely your strong point Sarah, brilliant, well developed characters. Although this is only the first chapter we are beginning to see certain quirks of them. Well done.
Description and imagery.
You know what I'm going to say. Flawless
Dialogue.
As I said, it might be a tad modern, nothing to worry too much about though. They interact well with each other, and what they say is very realistic. Remember that Sarah, I am not criticizing your speech, it is, as per usual, parfait. I simply wonder if the language is a tad modern. That said I am a huge hypocrite, my dialogue is far too old fashioned
Narrative voice.
Someone made a point of the writing being too modern. However, I come to rescue that
Overall.
I loved it. Absolutely adored it. I can't wait for more about these wonderful characters that I have already fallen in love with.
-Kirsten xxx
Thankyou so much for reading, Juniper and Pop. You both rock.
Wow. I couldn't believe she was blind! But when you go back and read the beginning of the story, it makes sense. This was really captivating. I can't wait to read more.
However, I do have one question (forgive me if someone had already asked this):
In all honesty, what kind of mother would call her daughter "selfish" for wanting to see again?
I understand how rent would be a bigger priority at the moment, but I think the mother could have been less...heartless, I guess. I don't know.
I understand that a mother would only want what was best for her daughter, but would at least sympathize with her if she lost her gift of sight....
Regardless, I liked it. Poor Anne
*anti-pop
What!? I reviewed this yesterday as soon as you posted it and my internet must have not let it go through. I am so disappointed!
Anyway, the only slight errors you made have already been pointed out. It was really, really good. My only issue was with the opening line, "She read", but seeing that you have fixed it, it's perfect.
Like I said before, your writing is flawless Sarah! Sure you may make a mistake here and there, but I doubt there's a such thing as a person who doesn't. Even Shakespeare had to revise. I don't think you overwrote it. I think it was good; some people just don't like description in a story. I love it, so it was good and suited my taste well.
And it's historical fiction! I love historical fiction; I can't write it, but I love reading it. It takes you back-- mind and all-- and lets you envision it through the characters eyes although you are not writing in first person here. I hope I'm still making sense... if I ever was.
Anyway! I cannot wait to see more! I will try to review it as you go along! I really did review this yesterday, but it obviously didn't post (much to my disappointment). I love your imagery, and your ending! I absolutely love it! Everything in your writing suits together perfectly. If your work was to be published without revisions, I would still be able to marvel at it and not be able to fall out of my seat laughing as I did with Twilight.
[/rant]
I hope I didn't just repeat everything I said to you already. Not much of a critique, I know, more of a slight review! Well done mademoiselle!
June
Don't worry at all, Ducati. Harsh reviews are good for me, they get me focused and motivate me to do better. No need to apologise whatsoever.
Just re-read my critique and I sounded like a total bitch, sorry. I was annoyed because it had potential, but you overwrote it. Just simplify it a little, calm down and don't try so hard. Sorry for the crappy review.
Thankyou so much for reading it, lhighton.
I really appreciate it, and I love your reviews. They make me smile and are so helpful and encouraging.
Thankyou again, you are wonderful.
-Sarah
Hurrah! This is my kind of fiction. Fabulous --- not perfect but fabulous.
I loved the whole old-fashioned feel to it; the way it was the written, the dialogue, the setting. It had a pretty, sombre mood to it... but it could be tweaked. I see where the others are coming from. I think I'll just get onto the nit-picks because I'm terrible at the whole summary-bit.
I have a serious issue with these miniscule sentences-cum-opening paragraphs for effect. They work okay for short stories where the whole thing works on snappiness, but I think are a sort of cheat for novel-writing. When you think about it, they mainly frequent the pages of chick-lit genre, and I know you are better than that!
Hmm --- overwritten a tad? I realise you intend to create a very vivid setting, but sometimes it can get a bit too much. Maybe have a bit of both? Keep some sentences, such as 'flimsy sleeves loosely hanging off her white shoulder', and simplify others, such as 'her legs crossed' - or viceversa! Otherwise, god forbid, it tends to drag and you're left thinking: when will things begin? I think it's hard but us writers always have to be in pursuit of the happy medium.
I'd get rid of the 'clumsily'. Little details like that don't need to be dressed up with words.
She did this, she did that...
Fantastic imagery of the dog! Pictured it perfectly. Realise it's not a major part of the story but made me think of that dog (now what was its name) in Rebecca, that the MC is fond of.
This was very touching.
Hmm. That just doesn't work for me.
Nice ending.
Over-all, yup, I liked it very much. Sounds like the beginnings of a novel I'd personally buy, not that that means anything. I think you should edit, beware of overwriting, tense changing and just general flow, and then it would be even better. Hope I've helped. Was an exceptionally enjoyable read.
Lauren x
Agh, I feel like such an idiot.
Any help specifically on that, using examples, will be very much appreciated.
I don't normally have problems with my tenses at all, but lately I've been writing two stories; one in the past and one in the present, so this one ended up mirroring the tenses in both! >.< Thankyou so much for pointing it out, it helped a lot and I think I've edited it so it's all in past tense.
Eek. Description = my life. I can't help over-describing, and I know it's a terribly annoying habit for that prefer brisk writing with a minimalistic approach to their adjectives. It comes from reading too many classics, and I'm afraid it's a habit I can't break, so in the end, you'll either like my writing or hate it. Sorry to the people it annoyed.
I did try to cut down the paragraph that was criticised for having a huge adjective load, and tried to cut it down. I failed - miserably.
Thankyou to everyone who read!
-Sarah
Hey.
I don't think I've read anything of yours before. That's the problem with disappearing for months. You don't know anybody anymore. XD On with the critique.
This was quite an interesting piece. I'd read more of it, I think. However, it did have a few problems, the most prominent of which that you switched tense. People have already focused on that, though, so I'll move onto the other big problem with this.
Adverbs. Other people have complained that you use too many adjectives, but I think your description itself is very good. It paints the image well and allows the reader to see the scenario, which is why the adverbs have an even worse effect than in most stories. They're a sign of telling, which is odd, because your story is rich in description. You're good with it, so most of them are unnecessary.
You've used four of them here in just that part of the first paragraph (lightly, carelessly, loosely and bristly). It's annoying for the readers and most of them aren't needed.
Try to go through and take out as many as you think you can without lessening the quality of the story. I guarantee, most of them will be thrown out.
The only other thing is something that you can't fix at the moment: your characters don't have much depth. Of course, that's because it's the first chapter, but be careful to show other sides to the characters you're portraying. Expose more of their flaws. It'll make them real. You'll know all of this anyway, but it's just a warning. For a first chapter, it's very interesting. I do want to know more about the characters, so it's got a good hook to it.
Work through and delete your adverbs, and you'll find this a lot improved.
-Mat
Oo, hm, yes, yes.
*sets down lenseless glasses and smiles*
I liked this. If one thing is certain, though, I can't critique to save my life. Not that there was anything to critique, anyway. It was like.. perfect. =]
I'll definitely be checking back for numbah two, so, beware that my insignificant little posts are in your near future..
ANYWAYS, I loved it.
wow. I'm new here so this is the first peice I've seen that you've written.
I didn't think it was boring at all actually. I do agree, sometimes the adjective load was a little heavy but it wasn't that bad. It made the reader want to know what was really going on with Anne so you kept on reading. The only thing is the tenses. Basically, whenever you have a verb that ends with a "s" change it to a "ed". (ie. breaks, hears).
*squeals* I can never critique any of your work! It's too perfect. So I shan't do it.
I agree that you messed up the tenses. I suggest you switch to past, the present can get annoying really fast.
This piece actually did annoy me. It had too many descriptions for not enough substance. It seems impossible for you to say a noun without an adjective. It doesn't add to the story, though it can be pretty. It can also distract the reader from what you are trying to say, so they stop reading before you ever get to the point. I understand it's an introduction, but I was bored. Try to make it a little more fast paced and a little less flowery.
My only real critique is, you switch up your tenses.
You begin the story in past tense- "She read", and later switch to present- "Anne hears".
You need to pick on tense and stick to it.
After the first line I have quoted, you switched to present tense. I highlighted the first present-tense word for you.
If you want to continue in past tense, the first word I have bolded should read "Anna broke. I'm sure you know all about your tenses though. If you don't, tell me and I'll go back and highlight what should be changed.
Good job