Hiiiii, these are two poems I wrote recently, I hope you enjoy them!
Holy faces
Holy places
Filled with holy faces
Following every little rule
Like a cat chasing after shoelaces
Holy places are all I’ve ever been in.
Holy faces are all I’ve ever seen.
Water washes away sin and pain.
But under the water, I can’t breath
So this happiness I see, I’ll just feign.
Holy places are all I’ll ever be in
Holy faces are all I’ll ever see
But here I sit
But here I cry
But here I wonder
Is it okay to wonder?
To question truth?
Holy places are all I’ll ever be in
Holy faces aren’t all I’ll ever see
I look in the mirror and a not-so-holy face stares right back at me.
I look in the mirror and imperfection stares right back at me.
I look in the mirror and disappointment stares right back at me.
When I look in the mirror a hopeless creature stares back at me.
Its gaze penetrating my soul.
Tearing my hopes to shreds
Ripping joy from flesh
Leaving nothing but an everlasting dread
What is right
What is wrong.
What is the truth?
I’ll never know
But all I know
Is that these holy places
That these holy faces
Have become not-so-holy places
Filled with not-so-holy faces.
They run together
they run together
But by themselves they cry
Their hands on the daggers of the enemy
Slain by themselves, their bloodied hands begin to die
Burn my bones
But don’t char my flesh Cut my wrists and lay my body to rest
Strike the match and start the blaze, let my body burn in the street for days.
They run together
But by themselves they cry
Slain by themselves, with broken wings we learn to fly
They run together
But by themselves they cry
Slain by themselves, their beating hearts cease to try
They run together
but by themselves they cry
They run together
But by themselves they cry
They run together
But by themselves they die.
they're not the best but I still hope you guys liked themm
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Definitely two intense poems!
I'm glad you included the author's note about it being two poems, because at first I was reading them together and then realized they were separate.
On Poem 1:
This one seems to be about a speaker who doesn't quite feel they belong within their religion. They talk about "feigning happiness" and that they're like a cat chasing a shoe-lace, they seem discouraged by the seemingly "Holy" faces around them - maybe they view the faces as hypocritical? I'd love more details on where the tension is coming from, but enjoyed the repetition of "holy" throughout - it really gave a sense of progression and interest to the piece.
On Poem 2:
This poem was really vivid. If these are some things you've struggled with I'm very sorry, it sounds intense. The poem seemed almost like a song with the repeated lines almost as a fading echo at the end. I interpreted the poem to be about someone that is living life with another person 'run together' and yet ultimately they feel very very alone - and especially so in grief and death. A small critique in all the bodily language a bit earlier in this poem, it was a tad hard to connect it to a storied narrative of the piece - I wasn't understanding how the lines were flowing together to make one story. You might try reading the piece aloud or picturing the actions of the poem and see if they flow together chronologically - there may have also been slightly too much repetition at the end of the poem, it didn't feel like the last pieces of repetition were adding something new to me.
Overall I think you've got some vivid sense of description - like the way you describe the burning body etc. I think your usage of description could be expanded on a little bit to highlight those portions and that poetry skill - I think there were maybe areas in the 2nd poem the general narrative could be pulled more tightly together.
Good reads, thank you for sharing!
~ alliyah
Hello, sorry if this a bit rough around the edges, I'm still new here.
If I have to say one thing that stands out the most about these two poems is your use of repetition, which is, for the most part, very well done. There is some places where it's a little spotty but it does work in the end. I thinks helped to drive the religious themes in the first and unity in the second.
The main issue I have is in the rhyme scheme in the first, as you maintain rhyme throughout only to interrupt it in place. While it doesn't affect your poem too much in the end, it does somewhat interrupt the flow you established. This doesn't apply to the second poem which is more reliant on repetition.
Having two poems in one post is a little bit of a strange decision, but I guess if you got to spend 200 points to post one thing you should do it as economically as possible. If I am to be honest, I think that it would probably have worked these into one complete poem or keep them in separate posts.
Even if they aren't the best, I still liked them, keep it up!
sorry for the formatting it got messed up a bit 😭😭
Hey Cassie!
to add a full space you can click "enter" between the lines, to have the lines just directly follow you can click "shift enter" between lines. More Info Here