Published October 4, 2010
I could feel his breath on my neck, I could feel him all around me. "Steven stop. You're scaring me. You need to eat now!"
"But I'm about to eat a very nice meal!" His voice echoed all around me and he laughed viciously.Sudenly I felt a pinch and I could feel blood being drawn from my body.
"Steven stop! I'm a vampire too this isn't natural!" But suddenly I felt at peace I twisted and our lips met and thats when he settled down.
"I'm sorry Callie. You know how I get moody." I put my finger to his lips as I led him into the garden. I looked around, birds fluttered everywhere and flowers surrounded the pathway, tommorrow we would be married, tommorrow would be the day our lives changed. I loved Steven. I loved Andrew. But I knew me and Steven were meant to be, Andrew was just a new person for me to meet and fall in love with. I often think about Andrew, and Steven can sense that and it makes him really mad.I feel anger surge from him often. But then I kiss him and tell him he's the only one I love, but I'm lying. and he knows it.
"Steven." I whispered into his hair.
"Yes little love?" He replied.
"I have a feeling that tommorrow won't turn out as we hope." I felt him go tense.
"You're right" he whispered, " I just thought you couldn't sense it too." For a moment we just stared at eachother grimly the our lips touched and we pulled apart once again. He led me into the kitchen where he poured me a glass of wine, reluctantly I took it. We went out into the garden and drank it underneath the lemon tree. I stared into his deep brown eyes, Andrews eyes were blue, I suddenly thought. I caressed Stevens cheek as we went out to hunt. Slowly, but steadily we feel alseep in our bed listening to the sounds of the mortals screams. Life was good... but death was even better.
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140,860 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Uhh...that was a bit of an awkward start, I've no idea where this is trying to go here. One second it sounds like we have a genuine threat we're drawn into the story as readers then there's a very sudden and random sounding twist and it turns to romance....its a little confusing..I feel like I understand what you want to show, perhaps someone driven a bit mad but calmed by this particularly biting situation but uhh for the emotions on something like that to register, you've gotta make it a lot more detailed than what we have here.
Okay...so immediately vampires and love triangle screams slightly overdone...but uhh, well let's hope we have something more original down the road or this is going to sound like a rehash of countless to be completely blunt about it. Its an interesting moment you're trying to create here but some of the context is not quite there for us to understand much and it just sounds a bit cliche.
ANd the ending throws me off a little. The last line sounds like an awesome little cliffhanger if it made sense as to what had happened there. It all rushes by somewhat there and the result is something that perhaps doesn't quite get across the message that its trying to send here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks, a year ago I wrote a whole story that connects these stories together. I'll make them visisble on my portfolio so if your interested in reading it just PM me so I can do so thanks for reading!
~Cassie~
Its like Twilight , I love the ending though !
It's a good and creative story but very vague. I hope you'll write more! Alzora and LiveLaugh are right. Very twilite like. Was that your inspiration? AWESOME END SENTANCE. Very well though through! Over all I liked it athough commas would clean up some of the confusion. Keep writing!!!
Trees and duct tape,
Iiscraftywriter
This is good, but a little confusing. I also thought Twilight when I first saw it. I think it needs a little more explanation and emotion for the main character...
Twilight was the first thing I thought of when I saw your title. It seems like everyone is obsessed with the thing. (I honestly liked Vampires sucks a lot better.) But it was a good story. You started it off well and the ending made me laugh. So basically good job! Keep writing!
Sierra