The Last Chance Prolouge

Isn't there a song by Boys Like Girls and Taylor Swift with this [i] exact name?? [i/] I'm listening to it right now...

This erringly reminded me of Twilight with the vampires, hot guys and nervous girls. Though the writing is well done , it's a pretty overused topic. If you could just make it a bit more original, personal then I could see it as more than a sappy love story gone wrong. Sorry for the harshness I'm just really annoyed with the cliche vampire stories.

~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing, Insanity and Losing Weight (formerly Chocolate :p)

Elena stared blankly at the wall [Where is she? Is she staring at a classroom wall?]. The moment when he, Daniel, the most popular guy in school had asked her out, she had been so nervous she lied to him about some Aaunt who had a contagious disease that she had to care for. How stupid, she thought now, why would I turn him down? [Thoughts in Italics]

He had just simply walked up to her and said, [Punctuation error here -->]" Hey Ella, you free Saturday?"

"I-it's Elena, and no [Comma] I have to, uh, take care of a sick Aunt.," Sshe had spit out. She had Elena turned away quickly and let her silky blond hair swipe across is face in a flirty way a trudged away [Flirty doesn't seem like the right word here, since she's so flustered]. But now as she thought about it, she wondered why she'd liedanyways.

"I was nervous." She I was nervous, she thought aloud to herself. She Elena looked up as a Daniel passed by her spot and smiled, drawn to him she followed. [I'd like to see more descriptions here. Does Daniel's hair shine in the sunlight casting through a window? Is the teacher droning in the background? Etc, etc.] "Daniel, if you still want to we could go out later tonight, my Aaunt doesn't mind." S [You know what to do now ] he said nervously catching up with him.

"OKOkay.," he said with a smile. Not being able to control herself, she stopped him in his tracks and planted a kiss on his lips.[Space here] "There, now you don't have to do that with me later tonight,." [Maybe she should be shocked at her own behavior, since she's come across as a timid sort of person so far]

Daniel stared blankly ahead and then handed her an address. "Meet here in one hour, just skip the rest of school, and I'll make an excuse for you."

Elena stared at him blankly as he turned away. She unfolded it and there was a short poem,

You have chosen your very own fate, meet me here at three'o'eight. [Italics]

6758 Walnut Street

*********

[Okay, WAY more set up here. How is she feeling as she finds this creepy address? WHERE is she? An old warehouse? A graveyard? Is it dark out? Are there any sounds?] "Daniel, where are you?" Elena called out as she scoured Walnut Street. She perked her ears for the slightest noise and jumped when a soft tune began to play. "Daniel?" she asked. The music grew louder when she came to an alley. [What kind of music is it? What kind of instrument?]

"Daniel?" she asked as he smiled. [When did she find him? What is he wearing? What's his face expression? Where is the music coming from? And wouldn't she be at least a little creeped out?]

"I prefer to be called my real name." [Uh... what is his real name?] His lips curled into a snarl as he pounced her. Inch long fangs emerged from his gums and she screamed when he stuck them into her neck, absorbing all of her blood like a sponge. "Night night, princess." He dropped her limp body and ran as a cop car drove by. The cop turned his head just as soon as he disappeared into the darkness. [This all happened way, way too fast. I'm just going to give this my own spin, just to show you what I think could improve it. See the following]

KJ's version: "Daniel?" Elena called out again.

"I'm here."

Elena uttered a small cry, jumping back. Her heart pounding in her ears, Elena squinted, trying to make out the shadows in a nearby alley. Suddenly one of them moved, detaching itself from a wall, and Daniel's face emerged from the darkness. Elena almost sobbed in relief.

"Daniel, you scared me half to death," she gasped. "Where are we? Why did you lead me here?"

"Questions," he sneered. "I've always hated the questions. Oh, well. They're a part of the game, I suppose."

Elena edged away, beginning to realize that she'd made a huge mistake in coming here. There was something in Daniel's eyes that terrified her; he looked... hungry. And those dark eyes were zeroed in on her like she was something to eat. Danger, her senses screamed. Run.

"Daniel, please," she choked, not knowing what she was exactly pleading for.

"I prefer to be called my real name." His lips curled into a snarl as he started to walk towards her. Something inside of Elena cracked open and bled with horror when she saw fangs - long, glinting, and sharp - emerge from Daniel's gums. She stumbled back, crying out.

"W-What is your real name?" she screamed when he reached her, pulling her into him. She fought fruitlessly, screaming over and over again. Daniel hushed her once, and then Elena felt those fangs slide into her neck. All at once, her body went numb, and she suddenly went limp in his arms. She stared up at the night sky, her glassy eyes wide and innocent.

"My name," Daniel murmured against her neck when he was done with her, "is ?"

He let Elena fall to the hard ground and felt no remorse when her skull cracked open on the pavement. Her blond hair spilled out like a golden waterfall, her blood already staining the lovely strands that had first made him notice her.

"Night night, princess," Daniel whispered. He tilted his head, hearing the sounds of a car approaching. When the red and blue lights flickered down the street, Daniel moved quickly. The cop turned his head just as soon as he disappeared into the darkness.

Hey, Cassie! I like this, you've got a few little mistakes here and there but that's nothing that can't be fixed. Good job! I'm looking forward to reading more
*coco

this is a prolouge right, while try and keep it just that, a prolouge gives us a backgound information, your sentences were skippy at best, try lengthing this piece, maybe even explaining more of the characters.

first question: is this the first chapter? if so, make it LOTS longer. this is barely a paragraph. i mean, even for a preface or prolouge, its incredibly short and quite uninteresting. i've read it four times and something just doesn't seem right with the grammar or something... i can't place my finger on it...

this is very cliché. its unoriginal, completely done before. i suggest changing that... and vampires? need i say anything?

-- zoey

ohhh, eerie!!!!! cool story, I like it! I'll be reading more! ( THANK YOU. i swear, if he started to sparkle or somdthing, I might've died on the spot. but, as you subtly stated, vamppire don't sprakle. and they aren't veggitarains either. If you bring in a Buffy, I think you'll be my hero. XD)

Peace!
~*~fairygirl~*~
(KEEP WRITING!)