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Young Writers Society



Secrets Short Prologue

by Cassie9960


I peered from behind my textbook as Mr. Johnson droned on and on. I looked at the clock repeatedly as the minutes ticked by. Just a few more minutes, I reminded myself, growing impatient.

"Class dismissed!" Mr. Johnson said with a smile as the final bell rang. I grabbed my bag and raced to the door as a mob of teenagers crowded the doorway.

"Katie!" I turned as a small hand grabbed my wrist. "Why are you going that way?" I spun around and saw my best friend Amanda leading me to our "special" exit. I slung my bag across my shoulder and followed.

"So are you excited?" Amanda asked excitedly. She shook with excitement and rounded around the corner and out our door. Our exit was perfect except that it led right into the street. A car siren was signeled and cars flew past us as we stepped onto the road.

"Oh my god!" I screamed as a car smashed into Amanda, it froze. everything froze, except me. And that was when I knew I was something special.


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Mon Feb 14, 2022 9:26 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I peered from behind my textbook as Mr. Johnson droned on and on. I looked at the clock repeatedly as the minutes ticked by. Just a few more minutes, I reminded myself, growing impatient.

"Class dismissed!" Mr. Johnson said with a smile as the final bell rang. I grabbed my bag and raced to the door as a mob of teenagers crowded the doorway.

"Katie!" I turned as a small hand grabbed my wrist. "Why are you going that way?" I spun around and saw my best friend Amanda leading me to our "special" exit. I slung my bag across my shoulder and followed.

"So are you excited?" Amanda asked excitedly. She shook with excitement and rounded around the corner and out our door. Our exit was perfect except that it led right into the street. A car siren was signeled and cars flew past us as we stepped onto the road.

"Oh my god!" I screamed as a car smashed into Amanda, it froze. everything froze, except me. And that was when I knew I was something special.


Well this one is...equal part quite intriguing and yet somehow also ever so slightly confusing. Usually a prologue works best when there's a nice bit of a balance between letting the reader know about what's going on and not telling the reader much of anything at all, here I feel like we've delved a little too far into keeping things vague and as a result a few bits of context that were perhaps important are now missing.

Besides this little issue there, the bits that we can decipher from this piece that we got going on do happen to be very intriguing I think. You've done quite a neat job of building up a sense of normalcy somewhat and then shattering it quite prominently and abruptly to hint at whatever mysterious power is there to come here.

Overall, it does seem like a solid premise. All this particular piece really needs is a bit of extra context, especially for the scene this starts off with before we get to the intriguing part just to sort of give this a bit of a scene to work with here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Dec 27, 2009 7:00 am
Coffee_and_Karma wrote a review...



Aloha! I'm Karma, and I'll be your reviewer today. This, while very short, showed a lot of promise. It also had a lot of places where it could be more fleshed out.

I peered from behind my textbook as Mr. Johnson droned on and on. I looked at the clock repeatedly as the minutes ticked by. Just a few more minutes, I reminded myself, growing impatient.

This annoys me, simply because it has almost become a cliche in school stories to start in a boring class room, and it doesn't really grab the reader, you know? Who wants to read about being stuck in a boring class room when you do it yourself all the time? I feel like you could start with something much more creative, you obviously have the imagination to do so. Even just fast forwarding a few minutes to when Amanda and Katie are walking. :)
I spun around and saw my best friend Amanda leading me to our "special" exit. I slung my bag across my shoulder and followed.

Alrighty, explain this special exit, where it is, where exactly it leads, why only they use it. Is it in the classroom, in the halls? Why don't they get their things? Not necessarily all those things, but at least one.
"So are you excited?" Amanda asked excitedly.

Repetition of excited. And, excited about what? Absorb the reader in their teenage lives, make us think the story will be about whatever they're talking about. A party or concert or whatever. Then it will be all the more shocking when something terrible happens.
"Oh my god!" I screamed as a car smashed into Amanda, it froze. Everything froze, except me. And that was when I knew I was something special.

Okay. Draw this out. A lot of times I feel like things are milked for too much drama, but you have the possibility to make this so much more powerful. Everything just feels rushed as is, so add details. Describe how she saw the car, how her friend screamed, etc, etc. Also, describe how things froze. Was Amanda falling when it froze, was the car swerving. What were Amanda and the driver's faces like. This is a HUGE moment. Pump it full of details.
The last line is phenomenal. I can't wait to read more! Also, between you and me, I've always wanted the power to stop time. :oops:
~Karma ;)




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Sun Dec 27, 2009 6:52 am
captain.classy wrote a review...



Just a few more minutes, I reminded myself, growing impatient.

I'm pretty sure 'just a few more minutes' should be italicized.

"So are you excited?" Amanda asked excitedly.

Woah! Way too much 'excitement' here.

She shook with excitement and rounded around the corner and out our door.

Bunch of mistakes here: So, you can get rid of the 'around.' You see how many 'ands' you have here? That's what commas are for. Then, you can't say 'out the door,' because she didn't also 'round out the door,' right? You can really just say: "She shook with excitement, rounded the corner and sped out the door.

A car siren was signeled and cars flew past us as we stepped onto the road.

What is this word? lol

"Oh my god!" I screamed as a car smashed into Amanda, it froze. everything froze, except me. And that was when I knew I was something special.

Woah! Big cliffhanger here! I was taken so far back with this one. I think that this came at too much of a surprise. I think you need more explanation here.

Overall, good writing! I can't wait to see what happens next. PM me if you post the next part and want a review.




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Sun Dec 27, 2009 2:43 am
Forestqueen808 says...



Hi I'm gonna edit this a little more okay?

"So are you excited?" Amanda asked excitedly. She shook with excitement and rounded around the corner and out our door.
Okay, here you use excited or excitedly three times in nearly a row. Not good, too repetitive. Change one to something else or take the last one out.
A car siren was signeled and cars flew past us as we stepped onto the road.
"signeled" is supposed to be: "signaled".

"Oh my god!"
"god" needs to be capitalized.

I screamed as a car smashed into Amanda, it froze. everything froze, except me. And that was when I knew I was something special.


Here describe it freezing. Did it freeze like as ice or like in motion? Tell the reader that. Okay at the beginning you say "Don't use powers at school" she said that at the beginning....so she just found out? Talk a little bit more about how she found out.

It was better than the first time, but still needs some more work. This definitely is getting some promise. I really am excited for this. Good job so far!

~Forest




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Sun Dec 27, 2009 2:27 am
Cassie9960 says...



Thanks for your info! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to post it so early! I meant to save it, but I guess i hit Submit!!




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Sun Dec 27, 2009 2:19 am
Forestqueen808 wrote a review...



Hi Cassie! I'll be your reviewer for today!

"Why are you oging that way?"
This was the only mistake I found. "oging" should be "going" but I think that was just a typo.

Okay, you definitely need to make this longer. This was a good introduction though. Try to make a whole chapter before posting it little four line paragraphs are not reading material, they leave the reader at an uncertain point. Also, just a tip, make sure you know where you are going with this. I liked that you added that she has powers, but especially in this chapter tell us more about it. Overall, make it longer.

This has promise, just make a full chapter before posting okay? :smt003

~Forest





Light griefs are loquacious, but the great are dumb.
— Seneca