The photo that goes with this poem: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v46/D ... 001812.jpg
A Forgotten Shovel Left in the Sand
Steamy sun drifting lazily above
Azure water and the cooler of red.
A bathing suit that fits just like a glove
Sunglasses perched atop a hairy head.
Bottomless footprints roll across the beach
The tide comes creeping farther up the sand.
The roar of ocean waves drowns out all speech
In the distance: another stretch of land.
Sand slides between the toes and sticks to feet
Wrinkled towels fade beneath the sunshine.
You slink to water’s depth to escape heat
Lovers’ hands covered in sand intertwine.
Dotting the beach are dunes and rocks and shells
The children’s laughter tinkling like bells.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Ooh, rhyme. I don't really know what to say about rhythm and things, but I didn't see any major problems. I'm not very good with that technical rhythm stuff.
EDIT: Gosh, I'm an idiot. It's a sonnet! Told you I'm terrible at things like that. I wasn't reading it aloud, was I?
*jumps up and down* I like it when people write sonnets! I can barely rhyme in the first place.
Nice one, Cad, nice one...
While it's well-constructed (sonnet!), this seemed to be just a list of descriptions. There wasn't anything you seemed to be trying to express. Perhaps the title could add to it, but it didn't make me feel anything. The shovel didn't seem important. None of these images seemed important; they were just the usual beach stuff, and nothing stuck with me.
Also, isn't the title a little redundant? You could just say "A Shovel Left in the Sand." If the shovel was left in the sand, it was obviously forgotten by someone.
Cute, well-written!
Colleen