My thoughts and my
love
drive me differently
than you.
My desires
devour me
with such elegance
and force
I lose
who I think
I am.
As blood falls to the floor,
and love falls to the wrong place,
my eyes glance
at the mirror,
at my messed up soul
angerly,
petrified.
Put me down
before I hurt
someone.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello and welcome to the site! I hope you enjoy your stay! I like this part
But I don't really understand what you mean by "Put me down." Maybe you should use an other word for it. It's only a suggestion. Anyway, don't take to seriously what people said here. I was a new member once so I quite understand what it feels like to be reviewed. When someone review you, they don't mean to be harsh to you. If you have any questions or you need a talk, you can private message me.
Keep writing and good luck,
Alicia.
Hi, and welcome to YWS! I'm Warior Princess and I will be reviewing your debut poem today.
Good job on the whole, dear! I look forward to reading more of your writing.
~Stephanie
My thoughts and my
love
drive me differently
than you. This is a very weak beginning. It doesn't draw me into the poem. 'love' is such a common word, it's boring. While you establish a bit of conflict/story it can be done in a more poetic way.
My desires
devour me
with such elegance
and force
I lose
who I think
I am. I think you can convey this in a prettier way. How can you say this so that it does not seem like common talk?
As blood falls to the floor,
and love falls to the wrong place,
my eyes glance
at the mirror,
atmy messed up soulangerly, too common
petrified. this is a good word.But petrified and angery don't go together. Anger means passion, petrified shows brittle or scared
Put me down
before I hurt
someone. I like.[/size]
Good story line, great ending. Best of luck,
kat