.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
From the title I knew what this was going to be about but it didn't stop it being heart breaking.
I'm pretty rubbish when it comes to commenting on poetry in the case of structure and stuff but I will say that I felt some stanzas flowed better than others. I think maybe this would work better as a short story rather than a poem? It seems a bit full for it to be a poem... if that makes sense? The narrative makes it seem like prose.
It is very sad that Matthew didn't know Franks name until after he died but that has me thinking... why didn't he? Frank obviously knew Matthew's. Was Frank afraid to tell him or did Matthew just never ask?
'For he is the reason I no longer hate his kind' - this to me makes Matthew still sound like he is still struggling with homophobia. If he was completely accepting... he wouldn't refer to gay people as a different 'kind'. Don't know if that was what you were aiming for but to me this makes it seem like Matthew may have understood Frank, but he still does not understand homosexuality.
The ending was confusing. Why does he think he should have died instead? Is that his grief and guilt talking? Because him dying instead would solve absolutely nothing.
'Ello, it's Cello.
Let's get to it.
Although I'm all for queer-themed writing, I wasn't a fan of this poem. I think the choice to rhyme took a lot away from your work.
While rhyming can we a great method to help a poem along, or to give a poem a certain tone or feeling, it has to be used selectively. It's important to make sure you're not writing to rhyme.
By writing to rhyme, I mean writing just to fit the rhyming format you're aiming for. This distracts from what you're trying to say if not done well and it can take a lot of emotion out of the poem.
Here for example, I could really feel that you were writing to rhyme. The last part ('whats wrong and right') has no purpose and adds nothing to your story. It's just there so you have something to rhyme with 'night' and the reader can feel that. (Also, 'whats' should be 'what's')
You're clearly a strong writer, but that doesn't show when you write to rhyme. It feels weak and leave the reader doubting the authors writing skills, which you don't want.
Another problem I have with your rhyming is your beat. You loose it constantly. When rhyming, the lines rhyming with each other should be within two syllables of each other (though the less difference, the better).
When you use rhyming, it's usually for the purpose of giving the poem a beat. When you write lines so different, you really throw off that beat and make the poem uncomfortable to read.
Imagine listening to a song and the drum player suddenly starts beating in a completely different manner than the rest of the song- not stylistically, just poorly. It would be distracting as you were trying to listen to the music. It would be hard to hear the song as a whole, but instead you'd find yourself trying to find a way to fit the out of place drumming into the rest of the music. This is why it's important to keep the beat steady. Don't distract your reader. Keep the syllables as close as you can throughout the poem.
Reason three of why I wasn't a fan of the rhyming.
You kept switching from normal rhymes (forgive me, I do not know the official term) and slant rhymes. This too was very distracting. As a reader reads a rhyming poem, they come to expect specific things to happen. Word A is said, so at the end of the next line, a word rhyming with word A will be said. When this doesn't happen, the reader may pause or go back and reread. A reader should be able to continue through a poem. They shouldn't feel the need to reread when they haven't even finished reading once.
Here are two of many places that you do slant rhymes. The last one bothers me especially because as I'm looking for a rhyme, by brain will do anything it can to find one. As I read the last two lines of your poem, I found my brain pronouncing 'me' as 'meh' to rhyme it with 'Saturday'. I felt ridiculous as soon as this happened and instead of thinking about the message your poem just gave, I was thinking about how odd it sounded for 'me' to be pronounced as 'meh'.
Final reason that I don't think this rhyming worked- On occasion, you dropped the rhyming all together. Another distraction. I feel like I've proved the problems with distractions in my last two comments so I'm going to skip on forward to an example.
Maybe you were going for a slant rhyme, but I couldn't feel the slightest similarity between these two words. Chances are, if I can't, other readers can't either. Keep your writing consistent. If you're going to rhyme, then rhyme.
I think this poem would do far better in free verse. You could add more description to pull the readers in (which rhyming restricts) and you could give the poem a smoother, richer flow. These two little bonuses would really bring out the meaning in your poem and make it a much stronger statement.
Before I go I'd like to make a note about formatting.
You switch up your formatting here. I think you do this a few other places too. It makes things a lot harder to read through. Even though this is a letter you're quoting, you can still keep the formatting that you've been using this whole time. There's nothing wrong with that.
I'd also like to ask what you meant by 'you were right-handed'? What does that have to do with the poem?
I hope this helped.
Keep up the good work.
-ChocolateCello
I can't even describe the feelings that I had while reading this. Its beautiful and dark. And the fact that Matthew didn't even know his name is just sad
As is my new habit, this review will be short and to the point--though there are many points to make.
Firstly, the subject matter is raw for your age and it's dense and heavy and I can appreciate that; however, at the upper levels where you look at publishing and the hopeful world of having a decent adult reader base, this piece would fall flat because in the upper echelons there are piles upon piles of this subject matter, even in my portfolio.
So you have what you have, and (don't get me wrong) it's a good subject matter. MOGAI suffering and struggling is very real and it's very painful for those who relate to it. Regardless, the narrative gives us a peek into the graduation of tolerance, and it's heavily bothersome at first due to the meter demanding repetition and syntactical meandering. It's painful and cumbersome and I have high disdain for meter and rhyme for this reason.
Beyond that, your images are brittle and weak, your sentiments are empty BECAUSE of the meandering, and your only card available to play is the subject matter of the gay death.
That's unacceptable to me as an editor, and in time it should be unacceptable to you as a writer. For this reason, I heavily suggest taking this into editing and experimentation. I heavily suggest breaking it down and trying to write it without the bells and whistles of rhyme and meter. I heavily suggest experimenting with the narrative and imagery. And above all, I heavily suggest finding a poet on YWS who inspires you so that you may workshop with them. My first choice is attending Audy's PJ parties on Tuesdays in chat where there's a poetry jam session. Seek out experimental advice there, and tell Audy that Lumi wanted you to try out writing without meter and rhyme. You'll get ample help, and I'll try showing up to help as well. I know I'm not an avid poster of my poetry anymore, but I do think that I could help in this regard.
If you want source material to read, to see if you connect, check out a few entry poets to free-verse that are generally groundbreaking for those who are new to the field. My first picks for tasting would be Richard Siken, Shinji Moon (who is my Goddess), and David Levithan. The latter is particularly good at experimental and extraordinary poetry. Check him out and see if it clicks.
And it could be a thing that comes with age. Just know that, right now, this is unsatisfactory.
I hope this helps in the way that setting a broken leg helps. Hit me up for poetry chats.
Ty
This is just phenomenally good.
Thank you!
I don't have enough words to describe what I went through reading this. This is a an emotional way of telling a not so beautiful story. I am truly sorry for your loss, and I am even more sorry that stories like these need to exist all together. I know my word is nothing more to you than a name on the internet, but I nonetheless will say that it should not have been you. Nor should it have been him. Neither of you should have, and it's because of people's shortsighted behavior that one of you did. So stop blaming yourself, because there was nothing you could do. Even if you tried, the story would only end tragically. Some stories in life don't have a happy ending, but those are the ones you remember and that affect you the most. So move on, but never forget Frank. And once again, I am truly sorry.
Thanks!
I am now silenced in awe. This was so emotional, but yet holds so much truth. I have a friend who is lesbian and at first I judged her because that wasn't a way of life that I approved of but now I understand. She is suicidal and has ended up in mental facilities almost monthly for suicidal months, depression, anxiety, anger, etc. She comes to me when she is feeling sad and I do the same for her. We help each other out but I worry she won't be around for much longer. She claims she is done considering suicide and wants to get help instead, but I'm not sure what is true and what is not. It shouldn't have been you who died but he shouldn't have died either. I'm sorry this happened to you but don't blame yourself for his death. Don't blame anyone. This is something that happens a lot. It's sad but true. If you ever find yourself in a situation like this again, I'm sorry. But you need to be as brave as possible and be as comforting as you can to the other person. I'm not sure if any of this made sense but I hope it did.
Thank you, and it did make sense.