Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
I peered out my window as I sat upon the windowsill, fairly comfortable. I leaned my head back, resting it upon the wall in back of me as I closed my eyes, pulling my legs close to my chest. All I could see was the sight of my father resting soundly. I remembered the last time I spoke to him, grasping his hand so tight as his eyes were closed, and his skin soon became cold. As I opened my eyes, I glanced at my wrist, running my opposite thumb over the heartbeat gently before dropping my hands to my sides. Tears began to fill my eyes at the thought of my father, laying in the hospital bed, so cold. His breathing slowing until he didn't take another breath. A few tears fell from my eyes and I exhaled heavily.
"Wyvern!" a male's voice filled the silence of my room as they burst through the door. "Wyvern?"
I turned slightly to meet eyes with my brother, Tyson, and I quickly wiped my face with my sleeve. "What do you want?"
He raised an eyebrow, concern filling his voice, "Wyvern, are you okay?" I nodded in response, rolling my eyes at the question. "Okay, uh, mom said you need to come downstairs. There's something she needs to talk to us about."
I pushed myself from the windowsill, flinging my feet to the ground. As I stumbled forward, Tyson held the door open, and after I exited, he shut it behind him, stepping past me to run down the stairs. I slowly walked downstairs, seeing everyone gathered around the dinner table.
"Ah, Wyvern. It's nice of you to join us." my mother grinned. I glanced at her before shuffling my feet, taking a seat in the farthest seat.
"As you all know, the news has been hectic with reports on these... zombies." my mother started speaking, her voice shaky. "Well, we've started getting reports. I want to let you all know that there will be no more playing outside," she glanced at the younger two of the family, and then back to me, "No more leaving the house unless needed." Then she glanced at Tyson, "We just need to take caution. All cuts or wounds get treated. No one leaves."
I scowled at her, "You're putting us on lockdown because of some silly warning?" My mother snapped a glare at me with a stern nod.
"It isn't silly. It's serious."
I let out a laugh, "Serious. Sure." I got up and looked at my mother dead in the eyes, "I'll leave the house if I so choose. It isn't like you would care if I left and never came back. Ever since dad passed, you've been an absolute bitch about everything we do. You mainly target me, and I will not tolerate you placing this household on lockdown because of some zombie-madness."
My mother glared at me, "Wyvern Eve-"
"No, don't say my full name just because you're mad. You don't have to worry anymore, I won't be a bother to you any longer." I rushed away from the table to my room, pulling open my closet door to remove an already packed backpack full of medical supplies and a few cans of food. I tossed two water bottles in the bag and a change of clothing. A low sigh escaped my lips and I glanced out my window once more. If what they say is true, it'll be an interesting way to learn how to survive. It all takes time to learn.
Any thought that dwelled on my mind was interupted by an intruder of her room. "Wyvern," Tyson growled, slamming the door shut behind him. "What's gotten into you?"
I glared at him, clenching my fists, "Get out." I watched as he inched closer to me, his expression stern.
"Do not tell me to get out. What on Earth has gotten into you?" Tyson growled, continuing to step toward me. I took a step back, my voice lowering.
"I won't be staying if she's putting us on lockdown. This is all bullshit, Tyson!"
Tyson stepped closer one last time as my back hit the wall. He stood about a foot away from me, his fists clenched tightly, knuckles white. His eyes were full of rage. "Wyvern, you can't leave."
"Who are you to tell me I can't?" I snapped, inhaling heavily.
Tyson's muscles tensed as he stared at me, not answering my question. "Ever since dad passed away, you think you can get away with yelling at mom like that and acting like a bitch. News flash, you can't."
I took a step closer to him, pressing my hands against his chest, pushing him back. "Get the hell out of my room. Right now." My jaw clenched, my breathing become heavy. Tyson stumbled backwards, glaring at me, stepping closer once more after he gained his balance.
"You know what, Wyvern? Fuck you. Run away, I don't care. I hope you learn that the outside world isn't what you think it is."
I stood tall, gritting my teeth. "It'd be a hell of a lot better than living here."
"Or so you think." He smirked, turning around and exiting the room, slamming the door behind him.
"Prick." I muttered underneath my breath, turning around and slamming my fists against the wall.
As the darkness began to consume the sky, I gathered everything together, tossing the backpack against my back as I walked to my window, popping the latch and pulling the window up slightly, swing my left leg out quickly, my right following as I slipped out of the window, landing on the roof above the mud-room. I glanced into my room one last time before carefully stumbling down the roof, going to the lowest point of the roof, swinging my backpack off my shoulder. I tossed it to the ground, leaping from the roof quickly. As I hit the floor, I stumbled forward, grasping the book-bag and beginning to walk forward. Satisfaction filled my veins like electricity, walking down my drive-way, turning onto the street, not looking back toward the house. That's the past, now.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
I'll try to be helpful.
Thematically the story seems to have established its base here, it being centred on the issues in a family. This theme is a good one, with a lot of depth and subtlety to it, not something easy to write about. The story is very good at conveying the emotion of a scene, I feel the character's anger and sadness, their frustration.
One area where the theme is lacking is the dialogue, which I think I can identify as a weak point here. Here is an example of when the dialogue is pretty much just right.
"I won't be staying if she's putting us on lockdown. This is all bullshit, Tyson!"
It's good and concise, not over detailed and most importantly I can picture a person saying this to another person in my head.
This next one however is a lot more strained.
"You mainly target me, and I will not tolerate you placing this household on lockdown because of some zombie-madness."
This is absurdly detailed, especially for someone who is angry. I for one know when I'm angry I'll either leave before I finish my sentence, not give them the satisfaction of a reply, or be unable to express properly my thoughts. I cannot in this context imagine any character saying these words and it takes me right out of the story.
I like the metaphors in the last paragraph, but I feel they could be used more throughout the story.
In conclusion:
Look out for long strands of dialogue that goes into too much detail, and observe the characters reactions and see if it matches to how you write their behaviour. I'm looking forward to seeing our character get humbled in the coming chapters by zombie experiences.
Hello!
Okay I am not going to get too nit picky with grammar, so lets talk about big picture and topic in general. You had me hooked after your first paragraph! I don't know what else you have in store for the rest of your main character, Wyvern, which I love the name, but I can see a lot of growth for her since she is leaving her home and family with a warning of zombies. We as the reader can tell she was very close with her father and not so much with her mother, and you can roll with this big time! Add some flashbacks to her and her father.
You can also take this story a few different ways such as it is a race to find a cure if there is one or to fine a safe heaven. You have set yourself up for a lot of different options and I am looking forward to seeing where you take Wyvern!
Happy writing!
-M.
Hello my friend, NympheaLily here!
If you know me, you know I love destructive stories that deal in the apocalyptic or post apocalyptic category. The writing was dynamic and it gave me a lot of information just on this one section. I was captivated by your use of characters and it set out a whole lot of foreshadowing between these two characters.
I don't have any nit picky things, for they were already said, so let's move on to the good part.
"A few tears fell from my eyes and I exhaled heavily.": Even in this simple sentance, a lot of information is portrayed. Me as a reader, I find that this character was very attached to his father and would possibly act as some kind of symbolism.
"I won't be staying if she's putting us on lockdown. This is all bull****, Tyson!": Sorry for the censorship but this sentance also has a lot of meaning as well. For example, it seems like this character is bitter with his mom for keeping him on lockdown and that might play into more significance later. Maybe tragedy, comedy, who knows?
That's all I have for you today! So have a holly jolly Christmas, and as always KEEP THOSE FINGERS TYPING!
Ciao!
~NympheaLily
Hey so I'm a little tired so I'll do detailed nit-picks another time. Just two general grammar-y things I will say:
1. Direct speech: When a character uses a speech verb, unless the speech is going to end in a ? or a !, use a comma rather than a full stop. Then continue in lower case. If what comes after the speech is some other sort of action, use either a full stop or a ? or a ! and go into upper case because you're starting a new sentence. Example:
"I really like Ursula Le Guin," Biscuits said. or "I really like Ursula Le Guin," said Biscuits. etc
as opposed to:
"I really like Ursula Le Guin." She smiled as her friend presented her with an Ursula Le Guin novel for Christmas.
2. Sometimes you go present tense for a sentence or two. This works the end when you go into italics, so if this is on purpose, it's usually a good idea to use italics.
Your plot is intriguing, and pretty much the right amount of details are given for it to be revealed to me subtly. For some reason I feel like they wouldn't call them zombies, but I'm not sure why. I think it would provide more suspense if they were called UI's (which could be casually mentioned to mean Undead Individuals) which would put more detail into the world and how the zombie apocalypse develops in practice. But nonetheless I am intrigued by the particular characters. I want to know why your character is so angry at their mum, and why they have reacted so differently to their brother, so good job.
That leads me into characters, which I think is extremely well done. I can tell a lot about what the characters are like, but not necessarily why they are like that. But I am really intrigued to know why they are like that, which is great. Really well done there.
Your pace is good, as is your tone, not too much to say there. I really need to develop specific metrics for judging tone and pace. I can only really articulate issues with them when they're really glaring. I may come back with more detail on this when I do my nit-picks. (there weren't too many nit-picks btw).
Lemme know when the next chapter's up,
Biscuits