Hey,
First Impressions: Not quite sure what to think because this is only the first chapter I've read, so I wouldn't be able to say if the characters or the plot is interesting or not.
Positives:I enjoyed the foreshadowing at the beginning, but it didn't have one of those "I'm going to foreshadow something epic so that I can keep you reading and eventually, when you get to the end, I'll tell you why you read the book," kind of feels. Much cleaner than that.
not hearing a sound besides the wooden door sounding shut behind me.
This was great! Not sure if you meant to, but when you apply vocabulary in an interesting way that's not exactly the norm, but still allows the reader to see what you saw, it means good writing. I like that you've used "sounding" here, as most people would think that you're going to follow it up with something as "like a dying cat," but you've applied it in a place where a physical movement has suddenly become a noise, and not just something accompanied by a noise. Good job!
Negatives:
I turn around in the middle of the isle, startled at the sudden voice. My facial expressions softened whenever I saw the short blonde girl standing there.
Here I would personally make this one sentence, or take out the "my" and change the "softened" to "softening," that way it will flow better and have a less abrupt connection.
She led me through the isles and out of the store, and I looked around for her car.
Lol, "aisles," not "isles," but I'm sure it was just an overlook.
But here again you have this sort of stuttering, echoing voice that repeats a lot of the same things, especially pronouns. In the sentence before you start with "she," and now you're doing it again. It gets sort of old, after awhile.
Here's how I would rewrite it, personally;
Leaving the store, we walked down the aisles and out into the parking lot where I looked for her car.
I mean, there are a billion different ways to write it, but only a few that are the most effective and pleasing to read. But it feels like it needs a little restructuring, and in several other places throughout the chapter.
She spoke up as we walked,"So, I've got some plans for the next few days. Daddy wants to build a new barn over on the East farm, outside the city limits mind you. Waaaay out of the city, maybe about twenty or thirty miles. Since this town is practically just cement and needs a lot of cow and pig products, he's expecting on buying about ten or twenty thousand acres to farm on. In a few years, he's planning to make a profit and then sell out. The marketers will go crazy over it if he does it right." her voice was perky and she now had a bounce in her step.
Okay, this dialogue is fine itself, but the fact that it's sooooo long makes it terrible to read. Breaking this up is important, and you have a great chance here to reveal something more about your characters. Inform us of how she talks, what sort of a voice she has, clothes choices, hair color, habits and ticks and anything else that will give us a better picture of who these people are.
Same thing goes for the following paragraph.
I sighed, looking up to the sky as I saw the sun setting. I was supposed to be home before sunset. Maybe I did take too much time at the store and with her, but it didn't matter. I wasn't planning on staying at home once I got there, anyway.
~
I strode the door of my home quiety, not hearing a sound besides the wooden door sounding shut behind me. I looked wearily around the kitchen, setting a pack I had grabbed at the store on the kitchen table.
I sighed lowly. It isn't much, but it's all I could get for you, mom. I hope you make it last. I rounded the kitchen and went into my room. Posters of hockey players and baseball players lined the room, as well as a calender with random models posing on classic cars. The average teenagers room. Well, used to be the average teenagers room.
I shuffled over to my bed, bending down low enough to stick my hand under it. I pulled out one bag, and then a smaller one. I sat on the bed, dumping the contents out onto it. Canned food, water bottles, and random supplies littered the space there. I grabbed the smaller pack and unzipped it, slipping my hand into it to pull out a .44 revolver. Dad, I hope you don't mind. I gathered everything up, placing it back into it's previous holdings.
I raised off the bed, looking around at the contents longingly. The old TV my dad had bought for 5$ off some woman who was trying to sell her ex husbands stuff, the ball and bat we'd used when I was on the baseball team, and the random books stacked everywhere he'd gotten over the years. I sighed again, a tear dripping off my face. I have to do something more than just cower here, you guys. I have to go.
I went through the kitchen one last time, my hand trailing along the wall. I stuffed the revolver into my waist band, my hands shaking slightly. I turned the knob to the door, quietly exited the house. I managed to put a weak smile on my face, trailing down my driveway and turning right on the road. A new life. Hopefully I can make something of it.
I thought it prudent to copy and past all of the above, because it's notable to recognize that you've started the five last paragraphs, all with the word "I." To me, this either means a writer is being lazy, or they don't have a clue what they'r doing. Maybe some combination of the two somewhere in between. I doubt it's the latter, though, since you've done so much reading and therefore know what's what.
Overall: Whew! What a review. I think that you have a good story telling ability, and it definitely feels as if you have a much more mature approach at writing. Not because it's "adult" content or anything, but because it just feels like an older, more experienced person wrote this, with your choice of character profiling and speech and all. There's a lot of bookkeeping to be done here, though, which I mostly feel is just from a bit of laziness or not trying all that hard to make it more perfect, coming from you. I'd love to see you tidy this up a little, as it has great potential.
I give it:
Joseph Henry George
Points: 6987
Reviews: 117
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