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18+ Language Violence

Insidious: Prologue

by Casanova


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

          "Go go go! There's an enemy crew moving in!" John yelled at his SEAL platoon, motioning them towards a small, Afghanistan town. There were six of them. A well trained, hardened, well oiled fighting team from the SEAL team 6. John was their Sniper, but also the platoon leader for his services in past missions.

          They moved through the town, being cautious around the windows and doors- just in case any enemies would be left in the town.

         "Okay! Our objective is in the middle, near the square. Like a town hall, so to speak. Once we get there, you know your positions, and if anyone doesn't do their job I'll shoot you myself! NOW GO!" They shuffled off, double pacing towards the square. As of yet they hadn't met any resistance, but John knew that wouldn't last. The enemy may let them get holed up where they can see any in coming onslaught, but wouldn't let them be peaceful for long.

        They climbed the dusty steps up to the town hall, and they moved out. Only two of them would stay in the town hall, one would go to the roof and the other three would take positions in the surrounding buildings. John grabbed the wooden handle to the door of the town hall and went to open it- and the SEAL beside him dropped after a loud shot rang out.  

 John watched him drop, his face plastered in a grimace that he couldn't get out of his head.

       "Get to cover! They're here already!" He dived  in the door, slamming it shut behind him- hoping his platoon could get to their designated spots. He crouched and smashed the glass out of a window with the butt of his M16-A4. He put the sites up to his eyes, peering out  across the street- to where the shots rang from. He fired at an enemy standing there, watching him drop to the ground lifeless. He swore once, looking around for the steps. Spotting them, he ran to them. He went to step up when the door to the Town Hall came swinging open. Preparing for the worst John lifted his gun- but it was Ben, his second in command.

      "Come on, we have to get to the roof. There's at least forty or more out there, we can't take them here." John didn't wait for a response, he began running up the steps with Ben close behind him. they got to the second floor- but there was no door to the roof.

      "Fuck, what are we going to do now?" Ben was out of breath, and his words came off as edgy.

      "Let's duck in this bedroom, maybe climb out the window and get to the building next door." John tried the door nob- but it was locked. He grunted and slammed his shoulder into it, falling as the door came crashing down. He went to raise up, when he noticed a girl curled up on the bed.

     He pointed his gun and commanded her to move, but she didn't budge besides a gentle rocking. He walked to her, and he could smell the blood that had been coming from her mouth, and her nose, and every other hole. Her clothes were torn and ragged, and her greasy black hair was stuck to her face with blood. He felt sorry for  her, but he couldn't help her now. He went to move past her, but she reached up and grabbed his wrist. He jerked away and looked at her, and the girl started crying. 

     "It's going to be okay, kid. We'll help you." he went to pick her up, then noticed something in her right hand.

     "You're going to die, you know," her voice came out as a hoarse whisper. She pulled the pin of the grenade and began to laugh at John, as if her own suicide was enough to pay a debt. He looked at Ben, his heart pounding, and tried to tell him to run, but it was too late.  



     And John awoke, his heart pounding in his chest, sweat beading down his flushed face, his hands grasping the bed sheets. just another nightmare, just a nightmare. Or so he thought.


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Fri Dec 23, 2016 10:39 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Okay, nit-picks first:

A well trained, hardened, well oiled fighting team from the SEAL team 6.

I don't really have reasoning behind this, but I think you should put "and" between "hardened" and "well oiled" rather than a comma. It makes it sound more like a triplet, which has a nice flow.

just in case any enemies would be were left in the town.


Like a town hall, so to speak.

This seems unlikely language for a soldier. They need to deliver their message succinctly so as not to waste time. Maybe something like "just look for a town hall".

The enemy may let them get holed up where they can see any in coming onslaught, but wouldn't let them be peaceful for long.

To my ears, this just sounds a little clunky. I think I would write it as "The enemy had got them holed up. It may have been a good position to spot an incoming onslaught, but that onslaught would be soon." I think the issue was that the clauses weren't quite separated ideally. Mine is by no means perfect though.

They climbed the dusty steps up to the town hall, and then they moved out.

With this setup the "they" would become optional.

John watched him drop, his face plastered in a grimace that he couldn't get out of his head.

Last bit not really necessary.

He put the sites sights up to his eyes


watching him drop to the ground lifeless

Putting a comma between "ground" and "lifeless" would be both grammatically correct and more dramatic.

John didn't wait for a response, he began running up the steps with Ben close behind him

This is two different sentences. Oh also you forgot the capital letter in the sentence after that.

Ben was out of breath, and his words came off as edgy.

I'm not totally sure what you mean by "edgy" but I would format it as "Ben was out of his breath, turning his tone edgy."

John tried the door nob

As far as I know it's "doorknob".

We'll help you." he went to pick her up

"he" should be "He"

"You're going to die, you know," her voice came out as a hoarse whisper.

and "her" should be "Her".

She pulled the pin of off the grenade


just another nightmare, just a nightmare.

Capital letter.

Or so he thought.

A little too suggestive. Maybe "Just another nightmare, just another nightmare. Definitely just another nightmare."

-----------

I really like the pacing of this, and the tone as well.

It would be helpful to have an idea of who he is in the world. Who is he scared of losing? Presumably their names would pop up in a nightmare about dying. Maybe also something about his relationship to Ben.

As far as setting goes, hard to talk about setting in a dream, so I'll leave that.

And as for plot, I am indeed intrigued by this and shall be reading the next chapter soon :D

Hope this helps,
Biscuits




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Sat Dec 03, 2016 5:58 pm
Snoops wrote a review...



Hey Hey MATT!

How you doing? Ready for a review?

Overall thoughts: This is good. Very good. I liked the action, the fast pace and the overall chapter.

"Okay! Our objective is in the middle, near the square. Like a town hall, so to speak. Once we get there, you know your positions, and if anyone doesn't do their job I'll shoot you myself! NOW GO!" They shuffled off, double pacing towards the square. As of yet they hadn't met any resistance, but John knew that wouldn't last. The enemy may let them get holed up where they can see any in coming onslaught, but wouldn't let them be peaceful for long."

This part confuses me, why didn't he say this before getting in the town, because now the enemy knows exactly where the objective is! You know what I mean?

But the threat, or joking threat, gave a good ring to the relationship that SEALS have. I like that part a lot.

"ohn grabbed the wooden handle to the door of the town hall and went to open it- and the SEAL beside him dropped after a loud shot rang out.
John watched him drop, his face plastered in a grimace that he couldn't get out of his head."

My only thought was what? Wait. What? which means two things, one I was shocked that you killed someone so soon, that you had me hooked and that I cared about the team, but also that it went to fast. One more line is all it needs. Just a "hes dead" or something.

"Fuck, what are we going to do now?" Ben was out of breath, and his words came off as edgy"
GREAT LINE.


"He pointed his gun and commanded her to move, but she didn't budge besides a gentle rocking. He walked to her, and he could smell the blood that had been coming from her mouth, and her nose, and every other hole. Her clothes were torn and ragged, and her greasy black hair was stuck to her face with blood. He felt sorry for her, but he couldn't help her now. He went to move past her, but she reached up and grabbed his wrist. He jerked away and looked at her, and the girl started crying. " How old is she? Was she raped? or is pretending she was? Not that I expect all of this to be answered in this chapter, obviously. Good description. The vocabulary is perfect for Jonh's character.

So does he die? Wake up in Heaven? Or the hospital? Or has he been having this dream for month, like PTSD? Can he predict the future?

If it is a dream, maybe it would be cool to keep adding new details every chapter?

anyway, hope this was a good review, hope you are doing okay!

Love,
Lau




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Wed Nov 02, 2016 9:42 pm
Astronomer wrote a review...



Hey there, Casanova!
This is Moonwatcher here with another review! ^-^

Yooo, so this is one thing I forgot to mention in my last review for another chapter of yours. I heard you might have changed your prologues to chapters, and I'm not so sure if you have yet, but I strongly suggest that you do. Believe it or not, prologues are commonly skipped. Yes, it's a very sad thing, I know. Some prologues tend to hold some very important information, that is key to understanding the plot. So sometimes a prologue is better off as a chapter, especially if it holds important information. Since we don't have much content yet, I'm not sure what this would be better off as since I do not know the future of this novel, so the choice is your as only you know.

Excuse me if I get some things incorrect, I'm not quite the expert on military topics.

The enemy may let them get holed up where they can see any in coming onslaught, but wouldn't let them be peaceful for long.

I don't get what you meant by "holed". Did you mean "hold"? If this is the case, neither would be correct, and I think you meant *held. Also, incoming is one word.

John grabbed the wooden handle to the door of the town hall and went to open it- and the SEAL beside him dropped after a loud shot rang out.

The way the first part of the sentence is phrased sounds odd. If he's at the door already and is already holding the handle, he couldn't go to open it because he's already there.

He crouched and smashed the glass out of a window with the butt of his M16-A4.

You can't "crouch" glass, so add a comma after the word.

The title is insidious. The chapter is about a dream. You have mentioned to me that you had a nightmare about a girl, bleeding and battered, but my point is that this sounds like something else. This movie:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Insidious_(film)

Since this was just a nightmare, we don't really have a plot established yet, other than the fact that John seems to be the protagonist, so I have nothing to cover there.

That's all I have to say about this chapter. I hope this helped you out, and I'm curious to read more of this story. Have a great day! ^-^




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Wed Nov 02, 2016 5:08 pm
Jpwriter wrote a review...



OK wow nice cliffhanger, now first more of just something you might want to watch is cussing some people don't like that i don't care and feel it gives a bit more realism. one problem i see is its a little confusing but something I'm already hooked on. one thing that is a little confusing and might confuse others is the title it says insidious which isn't a bad title at all but that is obviously the title of a well know movie and makes you think its going to be a horror story. besides that i like where your going with this i want to read a lot more so when your first chapter is out please message me dude.





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