Varsol slithered slyly through the old castle. Up the steps to the first floor, then second. Sneaking, not letting his footsteps be heard, not letting his breath pierce the stillness of the night.
Last one on the right, if I remember correct, he thought.
He reached the door and the end, hardly glancing at the familiar tapestries hanging throughout the dimly lit hall. His fist clenched around the copper door nob, twisting it ever so slowly to the left. A small squeak resonated from the door nob, but no cry or alarm rang within the room. He breathed out a sigh of relief, pushing the door gently. It creaked slightly in resistance, then opened completely.
Within the rounded room wasn't much of anything. The only noticeable object was a crib sitting in the middle of the room. He approached the crib, fumbling in his robe for a dagger. He removed it, the gem embedded hilt gleaming in the candle light. He licked his lips, sweat pouring from his rather pointed nose. His hand fumbled, grasping the blanket that lied within the wooden crib. He jerked it upwards, not looking before striking downward with the blade. He felt it meet something soft, the sliced through to stick in the frame of the crib.
A high pitched squeal resonated from his throat, his anger clear on his pale, flushed face. Lying in the crib was nothing more than a blanket, pillow, and a small piece of parchment. He peaked at the parchment, six words inscribed on them.
you will never get her back
Varsol screamed in rage. He kicked the crib, and it shattered against the chiseled wall. He stormed out of the room, no longer caring if he was seen, if he was caught, or if he woke anyone. For if he didn't find the babe, and destroy her, before she turns the age of fifteen, then all of Avanie would be doomed to Hell.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Well done. I was praying that the child was not in the crib, but you scared me there for a second. Well done!
Well done. I was praying that the child was not in the crib, but you scared me there for a second. Well done!
Well done. I was praying that the child was not in the crib, but you scared me there for a second. Well done!
Oh, this is a very nice and short prologue. Tells us a good amount of the world and gives us questions. Who's this baby and why will she doom the world once she turns 15? Doesn't sound as good when I say it out loud, actually. Who's castle is this, anyways?
There are a couple of typos that's been pointed out already.
Could use a different word beside pouring because this makes it sound like Varsol is a leaking water tank. Or at least I've never met someone who creates puddles with their sweat.
It's "door knob"
If his hand fumbled, wouldn't he be clumsily grabbing the blanket? Or is he fumbling with the dagger? I thought it was going to be him dropping the weapon. Though it seems to have gone seamlessly.
Personally, I'd use high pitched squeals if I was scared, not angry. It is funny to imagine him squealing in a high pitch as if somebody stepped on his toes.
Formatting problem: it seems like a paragraph got merged.
I like how he was very cautious about entering but said, "Screw this, I'm out" and stomps out the place. If he gets caught, how will he ever kill the babe? :p
As I said, short but it's interesting. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
Hello there, Casanova!
This is Moonwatcher here for a review! ^-^
I would like to point out how odd the format is. I noticed that in chat you mentioned that the chapter was written in the publishing center, and I could be mistaken, as you may have been talking about another work. But uh, yeah, random gaps in random places, large indent in the first paragraph, large spacing between paragraphs. Makes reading this chapter incredibly clunky.
Minor issue, "correctly*"
I believe you meant "He reached the door at* the end," if I'm not mistaken.
This line doesn't make much sense. Unless you meant to put a comma after "Within" and described the *round room. In the same paragraph, you repeat fumbled twice, so I suggest looking for a better word.
Dunno what you meant by "the sliced".
In the next paragraph you say resonated again. Could use another word, since resonated was already used once and it isn't a word you would hear often. (at least not me)
Despite you already spoiling the plot for me (but then again, I asked you to do so, mwahahaha), I'm very curious as to what will come next in later chapters. As you have introduced the world of Avanie, I'm curious to see some world building happening.
That's all I have to say about this chapter! I hope to see some more of this in the future, and good luck on your NaNo novel! ^-^