Young Writers Society

Hey there Casanova. It's just lizzy dropping by once more on her very busy weekend, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

I used to write my novel chapters in this formatting and length until someone told me they don't have to follow exactly to the rules. The chapter is a bit short for an opening chapter and I'm guessing I should have read the prologue, too late to go back now. So for both the prologue and opening, it's usually a good idea to make them about medium length so you give enough details to get the reader hooked. You don't want to give away too much of the story so if it comes to the point where you're revealing the next chapter's plot, stop.

On the formatting of the lines, you probably shouldn't indent them because it comes out looking really funky on the reader's side. I mean indenting paragraphs has always been known as the proper thing to do but mix in the publishing center, and they just come out wacky. If you just indent the paragraphs of details, please make it so the lines of dialogue aren't. The most confusing part with that indent method is the dialogue.

I don't usually do this but let's go over a couple of grammar like issues. You did a pretty good job at separating the dialogue from the actual text but there was still one spot where you messed up on it.
DON'T EVER MAKE SIMPLE MISTAKES
Know what happens when a writer make simple mistakes in a piece I'm reviewing? The piece is never heard from again and the murder weapon (keyboard) is never found. You understand?

Now back to the regularly scheduled review. Also be careful about the other big simple mistake, caps in the middle of a sentence and under case at the beginning. I really don't want to get angry in the middle of a review because you really wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Also you have way too many commas in some places and you are missing a few in other places. Let's just use this paragraph as an example.

Grace sat in the old church, in the confessional. The priest, of course, was on the other side not able to see her. She breathed a sigh of relief- if she could see him she would probably be too nervous to say anything about what she'd done. She straightened her school outfit, and flicked her hair back.

1. The first sentence is a bit redundant. I think it would be better to go with something along the lines of "She sat in the old church's confessional."
2. I also think a few of these can be combined and delete chunks of them such as sentence 1+2 in the quote below. To me this arrangement just flows a lot better and isn't quite as repetitive.
3. This is really what you have to do to a lot of your story. You have to combine some sentences, add some things to help, and get rid of the crap that is making your story so low on my like list.
4. Don't use commas before 'and' in the context you were using them. They're unnecessary and just drive people away.

She sat in the old church's confessional, the priest on the other side, unable to see her.

I think I'm actually going to stop here because you are making the same mistakes over and over again. I don't think I'm going to comment on the plot or anything much until I read the rest of what you've got. Please tell me you at least wrote one other chapter to this one.

Oh right, just one more thing. It would be a good idea to separate the thoughts in italics like they were pieces of dialogue. You also don't have to type 'she thought' every time if you're going to use that style for thoughts.

Okay that's all for now.
Have a nice day.
Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs

Hello there, Casanova! ^-^
This is Moonwatcher here for another review!
I'm happy to see another installment of your novel.

This is a nice, and short chapter, but longer than the prologue post. Now that I have more information about this story, I conclude that the prologue should stay as a prologue. I get that the prologue bit of the review was for another review of yours, but it applies to this story, too. My reasoning behind this being that the prologue doesn't alter too much of the stories events (so far, at least).

I'd also like to point out that some of the double spaces are still present and it still looks pretty weird. Then again, this could've been written in the publishing center. I know for a fact that in reviews double spaces don't really work, and the space between the words stays the same, which is odd.

Her rubbed her hands against the lining of her skirts- her nervousness causing her to bead with sweat.

I believe you meant "She rubbed her hands".

"Well, I.. I.." her voice was even smaller now, barely audible to the priest even though he was but a couple feet away.

I think this would sound better if you said he was just a couple of feet away, or maybe just remove that word altogether.

His voice was calmer now, and had a genuine sweetness to his voice.

You repeated "his voice" twice, which sounds kind of funky. I suggest changing this to "had a genuine sweetness to it", so that it sounds better.

and throughout the rest of the church was several statues

Minor thing, but this might've been *were.

It appears that Grace is the protagonist, instead of Varsol. I see some nice character development for Grace, and I like it, and hopefully we can get more of it soon in order to build a stronger character.

That's all I have to say about this chapter. I hope to see some more chapters in the future, and I hope this review helped you out! ^-^