"It's almost time, isn't it? Let us go over the plan once again," one says.
“Yes. The boss is gonna battle the elite knight that’s guarding the portal,” another man says.
“After that he’ll make his way to the royal family. Then capture them and assemble the citizens of Flandrine outside the palace walls,” a third one says.
“And once all the citizens are gathered, the boss will bring out the royal family and kill them all, crowning himself the new king of Flandrine,” the last one continues, and all the men begin to laugh together at the devious plan.
Julia’s eyes widen and she turns around and hurries away frightened at what she had heard but in her rush, stumbles on the root of a tree. She falls to the ground, groaning as she hits the earth. The basket of berries slips from her hand and they spread out in all directions, as if they are running from the imminent danger. She gasps and knows that the four men heard her. Seeing the four shadows slowly growing as they approach her, she rolls over on her back to face them.
“Well, well, well. Look at what we have here. A little rat,” says the man who Julia assumes is the leader of their small group.
“What do we do with her? We can’t just let her leave now that she has heard the plan,” the man on the right says.
“We could kill her,” the man on the left suggests.
“Or we could have some fun with her. We haven’t had much fun for a while. And then, or course, we kill her,” the last one says, staring at her.
“Ah, I like that idea. Let’s have some fun then, shall we boys?” the leader says as he takes out his knife. "Ha ha, let the fun begin! It's a shame that no one will see your pretty face again after this, darling," he says as the other three men pull out their knives.
The men then surround Julia leaving no room to escape. One of the men reaches out and grabs Julia by the arm. He pulls her up roughly, she yells at him, "Hey! Let go of me you big lug!" Julia struggles against his tight grasp, knowing what is going on in their minds.
"Ha ha, you're a feisty one. You've got spirit. But I doubt it will do you any good, dear," the man says.
In the shadows of the trees a mysterious man stands watching, waiting for a chance to help the young girl from the evil men. He reaches for his sword that hangs from the scabbard on his back, brushing his dark hair from his face with his other hand, readying himself to attack.
Soon an opportunity arises when one of the men raises his knife clearly going for the kill. The man immediately springs into action and he runs silently and in a swift motion slices the arm of the man who holds Julia. The four men turn around to face the man who so suddenly ruined their fun. Julia uses this distraction and tries to run away, but one of the men sees her and reaches for her, making her fall. She scurries toward the trees, but the man grabs her ankle. Julia yells and tries to hit him, but he soon has her immobilized, held firm in his grip.
The mystery man continues to fight with the other three men while the fourth one has Julia, but soon he takes down the three like they were bugs that he had so easily squashed. Julia sees the three men lying on the ground motionless. The mystery man runs toward the man who holds Julia, and he throws her to the ground to better take on the man coming towards him. The two fight, and after many blows by both parties, the evil man flees with his tail between his legs, screaming, "I'll be back!"
Julia slowly emerges from the trees to find the man who saved her checking the bodies of the other three men for any sign of life. He finds none and stands, putting his sword back in its scabbard.
"Oh. I thought you would have left by now," the man says.
“I just wanted to make sure you were alright,” Julia replies.
“Thanks sweetheart, but I’m fine.” the man says and his eyes go to the basket in Julia’s hand and all the berries scattered on the forest floor. “Was the basket full of all these berries?”
“Huh? Oh, yes it was full of berries until a few moments ago,” Julia says as she looks down at the basket.
“Come with me. I know a place in the forest that has berries that are ripe enough for you to pick,” The man says and motions for Julia to come with him. She hesitates, but feels safe with the man who had just saved her life.
The two soon arrive in a small clearing littered with berry bushes of all kinds. Flowers are scattered everywhere, and the trees have little white blossoms, giving Julia a peaceful feeling.
“Oh my! This is such a beautiful place!” Julia exclaims.
“I’m glad you think so. I come here all the time to have some peace and quiet from the harsh realities of life. It really is a wonderful place," the man says, smiling.
“I’m glad you showed me this place then. Oh! I should start picking the berries till my basket is full again,” Julia says.
“Let me help you. Between the two of us it’ll be done sooner,” The man offers.
The two start to pick the berries and fill the basket up to the top. After the basket is full the man picks a few more berries and offers one to Julia to eat. He insists that he walk her back to her village in case the man who got away comes back for her. The two make their way through the forest, and finally come upon the village, where Julia stops and turns to the man, smiling.
“Well this is it. Thank you for walking me back. I feel safe with you around,” Julia says.
“You’re welcome. You should get going and take care of your wounds before they get any worse. I hope to see you again soon,” the man says. He bows slightly before turning to disappear into the forest.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello Cay!
Lovely story you have here. I really like how you have a plot already set and you know which direction you're heading - it's always important to have a good vision of where things are going, including your characters.
Now, there are a few things I'd like to mention that you can still improve on. If we consider your writing, I think for a fifteen year-old, you have a nice voice and your writing is quite decent. However, there were some grammatical errors in here that I think you could catch if you went back and re-read this. Some period mistakes, comma mistakes, capitalization errors, etc. These are little pesky things but they stand out so be sure to proof read your work before posting for the readers. Some of your sentence structures seemed repetitive too so try playing around with them and get creative.
Another thing I noticed was a mistake that most new writers make, heck I made the same mistake myself dozens of times before and that mistake is telling instead of showing! During this first chapter you're telling a lot of what Julia is doing and feeling instead of using imagery or descriptive words to 'show' us how she feels or what's going on. Shall I give an example?
"The two start to pick the berries and fill the basket up to the top. After the basket is full the man picks up a few more berries and offers one to Julia to eat."
->We'll use this line and add some spark to it.
"The man plucks a berry from the push and drops it into the basket with a smile. Julia grins, mimicking his move and after a while, they've filled the basket to the very top with no room to spare. The man rips a voluminous red berry from the bush, inspecting it before he offers it to Julia with an extended hand.
"Thank you." She smiles and pops it into her mouth.
->Okay, I know this isn't the best example of this but hopefully you catch my drift. Play around with your vocabulary and you'll be surprised.
Unfortunately, there also needs to be a balance between showing and telling so finding that middle point is a little difficult but you'll find it as you go along, I'm sure of it.
Now for the characters, I find the set-up for your plot poorly executed. :c
I don't think lowly guards would know about such an intricate and treasonous plan to overthrow the King and if they did, they would be extremely wary of how they speak and when they speak and who they speak to. Things such as this should be discussed in the dark, away from people and definitely not in the open. Try to re-think how Julia finds out about this plan. Also, she's very, very naive if she thinks she can just trust anyone who saves her life by taking out a few guards. She should be asking questions, possibly even interrogating her savior because 'why' is the best question to ask when in doubt. She doesn't even ask his name?
Overall, your story shows promise and intrigue. I'm always up for a good old adventure story with Kings and Queens and evil political plots with a dashing hero. Really. Keep writing and if you have any questions, shoot me a message!
-S
this story sound cool. i give you a thump up
your welcome
Hi Caylleen! That's a lovely name, I must say.
My first impression was a good one! Your grammar is good and the chapter is structured well. There is one bit I'm rather puzzled by, unfortunately:
I'm pretty sure these are lowly guards, right? Well they wouldn't know of these plans, then, would they? Guards usually aren't entrusted with key information, to avoid the blunders like these they make around fantasy heroines! And even if they did have the information, they would't entrust it to empty air, would they? Aren't their salaries docked? ;D
Also, this Julia must be a very trusting person! But I guess that's a required Trope for this kind of character.
Overall this was good! Keep writing.
Ovis xx