In a few months the crown prince of Flandrine would be announced, but the King had a problem. Usually the oldest son would be named crown prince, but instead the king wasn't sure if his oldest son was the correct choice to continue the kingdom and keep it going in a peaceful direction. So he decided to send his two sons out into the kingdom to interact with the citizens and villagers, disguised as normal citizens, and then he sent out some spies to keep him informed of who is gaining the most favor from the citizens and villagers. When the brothers returned back to the castle after a few weeks, not knowing of their fathers plans, they were immediately ushered to the baths to get cleaned up before being escorted to their father and mother, who were waiting in the dining room.
As soon as the boys entered and were seated, dinner was served and the king asked about their journey even though he already knew about it from his spies. Throughout supper questions were asked and answers were given. By the end of supper their mother wished them a good night and to sleep well and that she will see them in the morning at breakfast. The royal family members all went to their rooms to go to sleep, for the boys were exhausted from the long journey, but the king and the queen stayed up a bit longer and discussed which son they were going to crown and name heir to the throne based on the information they were given from their sons and the spies.
A few weeks away from the announcement of the crown prince and the crowning ceremony all the servants were running around preparing everything and setting up the court yard for the big event. Everyone was busy. Both princes were taken down to the seamstresses to have their outfits made and fitted. The cooks were creating samples for the king and queen to decide on which dishes will be made for the ceremony. Maids and butlers were cleaning the castle to make it shine like it was newly built. Invitations to nobles and high ranking officials from villages and cities were written and sent. The Captain of the Guard told all the soldiers that they are on active duty as soon as the first guest arrives and assigned groups and positions. Citizens and villagers from all over the kingdom traveled to be able to hear who the crown prince would be and to see the crowning ceremony.
The day of the announcement and crowning ceremony came and went, and everyone who traveled to the castle and the main city left to return to their lives. Everyone was happy with the new crown prince. All but one. The eldest son demanded to know why his father had chosen his younger brother instead of him. The answer he received made him even more angry and he said that the throne was supposed to be his and that it was his birth right since he was the eldest son. After that confrontation the eldest son left a note that said, 'This isn't the end. That throne belongs to me, little brother! Mark my words you will regret taking the crown from me!'
The king sent soldiers to look for his son but they all came back with nothing. In their chambers, the queen and the crown prince wept, asking, "Why did you leave us?" A few months after the eldest son left the queen died with a weary heart, marking a long week of mourning throughout the kingdom for their beloved queen. The crown prince soon fell in love with a girl, who eventually returned mutual feelings, not caring for the riches she will gain or the title of queen but the fact that he kept courting her even after weeks of rejecting his gifts. After a couple more years the prince and soon to be princess learned more of each other and fell more in love, eventually the two got engaged, and the kingdom rejoiced at the fact that there would be a wedding soon.
Soon after the two were engaged, the wedding was put on hold. The land was calm, too calm. The king feared that something bad would happen, and he was right.
Everyone was surprised when a great army appeared out of nowhere. This army ravaged the land, prompting the citizens to flee to the main city.The main city gates closed and locked as soon as the last refugees came through. Inns were full to the maximum, homes were opened to refugees, soldiers from the palace poured into the city and out the gates to keep the pending danger from getting even closer.
Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, and the main city had been abandoned and destroyed by the villagers and the citizens agreeing that all food and water are to be transported to the palace and everything else destroyed so the things left behind won't be used against them. Everyone who can be of some use were put to work, children were to help with serving food and water, females were taught to be healers and to fight in case something happens, males taught to fight and defend their family and homes. Food was mostly given to the children, pregnant mothers, and the elderly, the rest of the people ate only when necessary. Information came to the castle once a week to keep everyone informed of what's happening or asking for backup.
By the end of the twelfth month, the king decided that the war must end. It was damaging the kingdom too much. Everyone got motivated at the fact that if the war ends and they won they can see their family again if they survive and got ready to leave. Children, after hearing the news, held on tight to their remaining family members knowing that this might be the last time they see them. The king decided that they have the rest of the day to get ready and be with their families before leaving the next day for the final battle.
Every adult left in the castle minus a few cooks and servants and the girl engaged to the prince would be going to the front line, hopefully able to drive they opposing side away from the castle and out of the kingdom. The king and the crown prince split the remaining adults in half to make them smaller and less noticeable. The healers went to where the exhausted healers were while the others went separate ways. Soon the reinforcement joined up with the remaining troops with supplies. When the exhausted soldiers saw their king and crown prince joining them they felt a bit of hope and became motivated.
It was mid afternoon when another battle started and the king led the attack. Soon enough the enemies were overwhelmed and retreated to regroup, the soldiers cheering as they returned to camp. Evening came when another battle started this time the crown prince led the army. A few hours after the battle started the enemy squad that was sent was defeated and returned to camp. This pattern lasted a couple of days before the enemy leader was forced to reveal himself to them, and when he did the king realized that it was his eldest son. The older son brought his entire remaining army hoping to win today, but the king had sent for the rest of the soldiers in the camp and had his son lead them to the battle field.
The battle lasted for what seemed like hours with healers on both sides running around tending to the injured soldiers before sending them back on the battle field after deeming them ready to return. It was the next day early in morning with the battle still going on but this time the healers were forcing the injured soldiers to eat, drink while they healed them and rest for an hour before sending them back to the battle field. Soon enough the eldest soon realized he was losing the battle and was running out of supplies in everything, so he had his remaining army and healers to retreat but they were chased to a portal created by a mage just for the purpose of sealing the eldest son and his army to a different land and away where they could do no more harm.
Celebrating their victory they quickly returned back to the palace and were reunited with their family. The prince decided to hold the wedding on the first day of the new year, which was in a couple days. People rejoiced at that and eagerly awaited for the new year to come, a new chapter to begin.
The day of the wedding came, and everyone was in their places waiting for the guests of honor to appear. A soldier escorted the king to the throne, bowing before he moved to the side. Ten minutes before the start of the wedding the prince and soon to be princess were escorted to the door of the throne room. Precisely at noon the trumpets started to play and the doors opened revealing the prince and soon to be princess, who started to walk down the lane after the prince offered his arm to his bride, stopping before the king they bowed. The ceremony continued without a problem, everyone was happy for the newly weds who then took the crown to be king and queen as they were surprised when the now former king announced that today he would retire from the crown. Nine months later, the new king and queen were blessed with a pleasant surprise, a child of their own.
Now, two decades later, a new story begins, and the brother who lost the throne comes back for his revenge.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
Hello, I'm Kay, and I write fantasy just like you. I know these reviews must be confusing to you, since everybody's telling you you need either more detail or less detail. Here's the thing. They're both right. I know that doesn't make much sense, but bear with me for a moment.
If you want this story to remain a prologue, and only a prologue, you need to cut the details down to the bare bones and remove anything that you can't tell in the story itself. For example:
You could trim this down quite a bit and still keep the essentials. How about this?
Much more concise. Do we really need all the details about what the healers do? It's also pretty self explanatory that the portal was created by a mage, considering we're talking about fantasy here. I suggest if you want to keep this as a prologue you should look at every paragraph and trim them like this to make sure we're not reading unnecessary and, well, boring details.
The other option is to add many more details and flesh out this story into an entire novel or novella. I'd take this option if you can't bear to cut down on something you spent so much time on, but be warned that this option means you'll be spending a lot of time fleshing this out. This could easily be fleshed out into an entire story.
Good AFTERNOON! Yes, I have been reviewing for many hours now but I promise to may just as much attention to yours. I will review as I read so that it makes more sense to both me and you. I tend to get my knickers in a twist otherwise and no one wants to see that.
ANYWAY!
Where you write, “So he decided to send his two sons out into the kingdom to interact with the citizens and villagers, disguised as normal citizens, and then he sent out some spies to keep him informed of who is gaining the most favour from the citizens and villagers.” - There is a little too many 'citizens and villagers' mentioned for my liking here. If you read it aloud to yourself, you'll see that you have to read quite a lot of the same words without taking a breath. It just needs a little fix up here and there.
I think some of the information and paragraphs that you have in this prologue don't actually have to be here at all. The paragraph where you describe the two sons having dinner with the King and Queen - telling all about what they got up to in the villages - doesn't really need to be there. It doesn't actually add anything to the story or give us any key facts that we need to know.
Whilst I think that this is a good, solid base for a story. I feel as though you have given us a whole different story inside your prologue. If you cut down on your wordcount and really focused on the gritty descriptions and facts then this could be really good! You're obviously a talented writer - You just need to be hard on yourself when it comes to the detail.
Good luck and I hope this helped!
Olive <3
Hey there!
Super cool story idea; fantasy is always interesting. I really enjoyed reading this. There are a few things I'd like to comment on though:
I agree with Laura that your description is a bit slack; I understand you are trying to summarize the whole story of the prologue, but your reader will have trouble connecting with the story, and the whole point of the prologue is to grab your reader and wrap them in your story.
I also understand that the story of the prologue needs to be told, as background and such for your real story. Two ideas to make this work: You can cut the prologue and reveal the past slowly through the story, which is kind of cool because the history is a mystery to the reader, and they discover it as they go on. Second idea works because the idea for your prologue is so cool; you could make it into its own book, like a prequel. Ever read The Binding of the Blade series? The first book is all about what happened before, in their parents' generation. It gives background and doubles as a cool story.
Ok, so I also thing you need to explain why the king didn't find his eldest son worthy of the title crown prince. Was he a jerk? Did he not have diplomatic skills? And since this is the king, the leader of a country so he should be wise, it must be a good reason. In general, this reminds me of a royal-lineage plan my cousins drew on their chalk board, which started with the middle child. Not my thing (wisdom comes with age) but ah well.
How long did you say the eldest prince was gone for? Because somehow he managed to rustle up an army potent enough to oppress a kingdom that has existed for awhile, with a well trained militia. Again, description comes into play and honestly, I think this would make a great book on its own.
I like the love between the new king and queen. But what happened to the old king? You should probably mention that ...
Also, you've got a few points where your verb tenses are messed up; I am really picky about my tenses. For example when you say 'By the end of supper their mother wished them a good night and to sleep well and that she will see them in the morning at breakfast'
- you use past tense, and then you say 'she will', it should be 'she would'. You do it a few other times too, throughout the prologue.
So, over all I really liked your idea. Keep writing, or posting your friend's story or whatever
~ Sarra ~
Hey there! I'm here to review for you(:
So I just want to begin with this isn't a bad idea, and I'm not really into this kind of thing, but you presented it pretty well.
But I do have some things I would like to offer.
When I write a prologue I like them to be shorter than a short story, just because I feel like I want to skip over it when I see it in a novel. I know the point of this prologue was to set up the scene for the entire novel, and a lot of writers do this. And it is not a bad thing that you have done this, because people do enjoy reading long prologues.
I would love to see more descriptions, this was a little confusing. I couldn't really picture anything happening. And the crowning ceremony was to short and basically nonexistent. There should have been a scene for itself since it was the bases of the whole story. Just keep in mind that descriptions, they don't need to be long paragraphs, are good so that the reader can see the scene that you want them to see.
And the only other thing is the long paragraphs. I do this too, and its not the best thing, because it makes people be like 'holy crap' that's a lot to read. Which makes this a little "scary" to read.
But, this is a great story in itself, and I will love to read more! Let me know when a new chapter comes out and I will be sure to read how this continues on!!
~Laura
Wow, this is amazing! I can't wait to read what happens next, when the eldest son comes back for his revenge.
Keep going, and good luck!
Thanks! She'll be glad to know that her writing is liked