If you ever pass through the kingdom of Laroelle, be wary of the mountains of Gliek. A mighty dragon resides in the caverns within, and even though he is a creature to be feared, what the dragon has collected is even more terrible. For over the years, he acquired a bountiful treasure that would put any royal treasury to shame. Unbeknownst to men, the dragon had cursed the treasure, and any person who attempted to steal his gold and jewels would suffer a terrible fate. And this leads up to the story of Dannitus, king of Laroelle, the man who once attempted to steal the dragon’s treasure.
This tale begins as many others might. A man lives gaily with his loved ones, and later on a terrible misfortune occurs that shatters his world. King Dannitus was much like one of these men. He ruled his kingdom wisely and justly, governing the people with a kind and gentle hand. The people would dance and sing in the streets twirling ribbons of gold and silver. The land was peaceful. One day however, everything began to change.
King Dannitus began to think about having more. What if I had more power? More wealth? What would it be possible for me to do? From a traveling storyteller he learned of the dragon and his treasure, and Dannitus had no sooner taken his next breath than he had decided to go after this legendary treasure. His queen and daughter begged him to go not, telling him that they were happy the way they were, that nothing could make them happier than to be with him, but he insisted that this could make their smiles brighter and their days clearer. So he prepared to leave the next morning.
On the day of his departure, the oracle Calista came to the king with urgent news. “My king, I pray thee listen to what I say. I have seen what becomes of you if you dare continue your journey. You are happy, and you need not destroy everything you hold dear. Your greed will lead to your own ruin!” The king laughed in her face, saying, “How could obtaining a great treasure ruin me? I will continue, and when I return, you will see that you were wrong.”
So he left, and three days hence, he arrived at the base of the Mountains of Gliek. He smiled to himself, knowing that soon the treasure would be his. He climbed, soon reaching the mouth of the caves that led to the dragon and his treasure. Not long after, he came upon the cave where the dragon held his treasure, and what a sight it was to behold. The gold and lovely jewels reached the ceiling, and the enormous dragon that held it rested upon the shining piles. It was more than Dannitus could have ever imagined. The amount he saw could have filled ten of his treasuries. He gaped at the sight, and soon spotted the prized piece of the collection. A statue almost as tall as he stood in the center of the cave, glittering in the beams of sunlight that shone through the roof. Dannitus slowly crept to the statue, careful not to disturb the sleeping dragon. When he came upon the statue, he reached out and touched the smooth gold.
Suddenly Dannitus felt his limbs grow cold and stiff, and he now began to think that he should not have brushed off the oracle’s advice as he did. Frantically, he backed away and tried to rush for the cavern entrance, but it was all in vain. He slowly began to turn to gold. Soon he was frozen where he stood, forced to be so close to what he came for, knowing that he would never obtain it, and coming to the realization that he would never get back to the life and the treasures he didn’t realize he had.
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140,970 Literary Works • 673,797 Reviews
Hello there,
Overall I really like this piece and it has a great message behind the story. I like how you ended it with him being so close from the treasure he though he desired and so far from the treasure he actually had. I like your use of narrative tone in this and I think it works perfectly for what you were going for.
Not much to nitpick in this piece that hasn't already been said, but overall I think your choice of words and tone worked very well for the fairy-tale style I believe you were going for. Great job!
Hey Caylleen!
I'm here to review your piece.
I quite like the tone of the narration; it was fairytale-ish with classics' English touch to it. The tone wasn't exactly casual- a bit formal, actually- but the reason I liked it was that the tone set me up for a fairy tale and a fairytale was what I got. The stye of narration created- took me to a world where dragons and cursed treasure existed an that's what I loved about your story.
I didn't spot any grammatical errors but I did notice that you repeat words. Like using the same word in consecutive sentences.
See the begans? Avoid repeating words like that. It's distracting and using a wide range of vocabulary is never a bad thing. I think you've done it somewhere with soon too.
Keep writing!
Angel
Thanks Angel! I was trying to go for that classic English style, and I guess I did okay on that. And now that you talk about repeating words, I see what you mean. Thanks for the help!
Hey there Caylleen, I'm here to review your work!
Just got to say that I love this story, even though it's pretty short. However there are some cliche phrases in this. Such as, I quote "One day however, everything began to change." and "suffer a terrible fate." These two phrases are way too commonly used in any story, and somehow seem unoriginal.
No punctuation or grammatical errors I can really spot, but please do space out your paragraphs. Yes I see you have them, but they're wedged so closely together, it's as if they weren't there.
Last of all, I like this story because it has a moral, Greed is the Root of all evil...and also how he realized that he had his own treasures, his family. Now you mentioned a statue, that was almost as tall as him. Was that another greedy man who wanted to steal the treasure but like Dannitus, got turned into gold as well? Somehow I can just guess it, but I can't be sure.
Would love to see more of your works still.
Thank you! I do agree about paragraph spacing. This was actually a school project and I was pressed for space, but I plan to go back and work on it some more when I get the time. Cliches!! I honestly didn't really think about that, but I get what you are saying. I am actually planning to do a story about a cliche, but twist it a bit so that it comes out totally different. Thanks for the review