I am completely awful at grammer. I tried to go and fix it up but I know there are alot of present tense problems that I most likely missed. Harsh criticism most welcome!
"Here's much to do with hate, but more with love." - William Shakespeare
Prolouge
Once upon a time is old. Life isn’t what is it used to be, and neither are its fairy tales. No more are there knights and shining armor and damsels in distress, but rather deal with life itself.
Genesis begins stating that God created everything that is known today. While this may be true, this does not mean people have discovered all that is in the world. What is known is merely a fourth of Earth. Space is no longer the final frontier, but rather your backyard.
Imagination, when children dream of dragons, talking tigers, of flying of to never land where no one gets old. The world that only can touch us in our dreams, that world is dying. It can only reach the dreams of those who can still imagine.
Our story begins in a small flower shop just outside the city, with a faded painted sign that stated “family-owned”. That family has a little girl of eight that remained outside past her curfew. She was sitting next to a rare night-blooming lilac. You see, when lilacs blossomed under the moon’s glow, magic happened. Faeries danced when the lilac opened but they weren’t the faeries of storybooks. The faeries were naked and always angry. Little Rose had only seen the faeries once, but she knew that they would come again. They just had to.
She sat criss-cross in front of the closed flowers, her eyes never wavering. She didn’t want to blink and miss out. She had stuffed pillows underneath her bed covers just in case her mom came in to check on her. Rose knew if she tried to explain that she was waiting on faeries to her mom that she would just say her imagination is taking over.
The petals began to open and small angry voices could be heard. By the time the lilac had fully blossomed, one naked male and one naked female could be seen. The wings on their back were torn, with patched of liquid blue spattered across. They were bent down so low they nearly drooped to the ground. Their ears were pointy, their eyes slanted up. They could have almost passed for human, until you got a second glance.
“Listen Sasha, we can’t beat them. They control our government and they control trade between the species. We cannot go through the Tear without a C.O.R, and you know well that we will never receive one.” The male faerie said exasperated. He paced across the lilac, running his fingers through his long hair.
“I know, I know.” Sasha said in a heavy accent. She had a scar along the side of her body that started from under her arm to her mid-thigh.
Rose's mind was racing. What was a C.O.R? Why did they need it to go through the Tear? What was the Tear?
The male faerie looked around and the two began talking in harsh whispers Rose couldn’t understand. She got closer to the lilac and said in the smallest voice she could manage “Hello.”
The faeries swayed as the wind from Rose’s voice shook them. They turned at a very slow pace to look at the little girl. They looked at each other for a moment and nodded as if they reached some type of agreement. Sasha’s wings beat rapidly as she flew on Rose’s shoulder.
“What’s your name, Childe?”
“ Rose,” she replied in a soft voice.
“How in God’s name can you see us? We are only suppose to appear in little one’s dreams and I know that we are not in a dream. The only other that could see us was a Childe named Ami. That was many years ago however.” Sasha was staring hard at Rose, her head cocked to the side.
“I-I-I don’t know. I’ve only seen you two once, I swear! But I knew it was magic.” Rose said. “Is it true that ya’ll are in my dreams?”
The male faerie flew, his wings fluttering so quickly it looked as if they didn’t move and landed softly on her shoulder. “Childe, we have seen many dreams. We have seen your dreams. But we can only see the dreams of those who still believe in magic, and there are not many left.”
“Well, why not?”
“In your world, children do not believe in a thing called magic.” He replied.
“I believe in magic.” Rose declared; her voice so harsh the faeries shook.
The male faerie laughed as he put his small hands on Rose’s face “Can you do us a favor little one?
“Sure.”
“There was once a portal here. It looked like a tear in the sky where one cold see things from our world. It is a tiny passage-way. If you can see it, you are one of the few that travel in between both worlds. If you find the portal, you post force it open using all the strength you possess. You’ll have to fight for it. If you are one of the chosen, it is the time for change in my world. Any change would be welcome. Remember, fight for it.”
Fight for it. Rose could do that.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hey.
I give you points for creativity - it's also thought provoking. You kept me reading, so good job on that. Everyone else has covered grammar and everything else, so I'll just add my own two bits.
The only thing I would suggest changing is the way it's written. I would feel more in the story if I could see this from your MC's point of view. As it is now, I feel like an observer. I like to be IN it.
Otherwise I generally liked it. Keep writing.
Looks like scasha pointed out most of the critiques I was also thinking of. I love the start and end of this piece of writing. And I like how you added "childe" so the person sounded distinct.
This was a fun read :]
- Summerless <3~
Oh. Oops. Not very computer savvy, sorry I'm posting two replies. I will get this down!
I wrote the prologue before I did any of the character devolpment, so I can go back and change Rose's character more to fit the personality that I want her to have for my story.
Thank you so much for your help .
Thank you so much for helping out. Grammar is such an issue with me. :]]
I liked this! Alot! I'll post the corrections in bold kay?
All in all I liked this peice. Very awesome!! Hope those up there help!
~Lulu
-- try to say more of what they looked like, were they tiny, big, pointy ears? ect.
-- she didn't want to blink, fearing that she would miss a sighting of the winged creatures.
-- end of this sentence is kind of awkward
-- i don't really see the parallel you're trying to draw between humans and fairies. The fairies seem a lot different than humans to me in your description.
-- They control our government and they moniter trade between the species -- what type of accent? Be more specific...does she have a drawl of some type? -- A scar that reached from under her arm down to her thigh glowed an angry red.
-- They paused and turned, looking up at the little girl with caution.
-- instead say "rose" she whispered.
-- too much info in this sentence. Try to break it up. First say you can't see us part. And then have Sarah pause and have the male faerie interject by saying, except Ami or something.
-- you repeat magic a little too much throughout this passage. Try and find other words. -- take out her voice so harsh.
-- i think if rose is going to say that she can fight for it, you need to develop her character in a stronger light. I didn't really get the feeling that she was a fighter from the way you described her. Maybe her character develops later but it's just what I noticed off the bat.
Overall, well done! It was a very cute piece! Very good job using description and introducing us to the characters. A couple of things that I suggest:
1) Cut down on any adverbs. Try to find verbs that can replace them
2) Always show don't tell. You want the audience to come to its own conclusions. You don't want to tell them what to think.
Other than that Great Job! Keep Writing!