The Wonderful Life of James Nickel Comer

Warning: This may be offensive to some people. The objective was to make as fun of as many people as possible not to hurt peoples feelings. If you don't like south parks sense of humor then you wont like this.

I would love for you to read as much as you can and give me some advice. The get drags on a bit i know but its rather funny. I hope you like it and i don't mind criticism.

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Chapter 1

Hi, my name is James Nickel Comer. I am on the Jr. High School Curling team. Curling is one of my passions. I have a letterman jacket for the Curling team too. My other passions are my dog Lucifer, and my collection of back braces. Lucifer has a back brace that’s why I collect them, it’s also easy to go to the hospital’s dumpster and gather used back braces. I try the dumpsters at the vet hospital too, but they have way fewer back braces in them.

I don’t have many friends, I think that’s because when ever I meet a new person I tell them to eat my crusts. I also like to show people I meet my elbow acne. I do have one friend though, his name is AsianBruce Lee. He’s Asian, and he is the best friend I have ever had because he likes to teach me Kung Fu. We plan on going on survivor together. He will be the Asian wild life guy. We will probably be the last two contestants and I will vote off Asianbruce and I will win a million dollars and AsianBruce will win the consolation prize.

I only eat certain things like water and rice and water chestnuts. I think my diet is very Asian. I want to be like AsianBruce when I am grown up. I am in the eighth grade now so I have a lot of growing up to do. My elbow has loads of growing up to do considering it still has acne. My face does not have very much acne, but I do have some on my butt cheeks. It hurts when I scratch them so I try not to.

I hate my family, especially my older brother Pierce. Well I think that’s his name anyway, he always calls himself Pierth though. He beats me up about once a week, but I rub the puss from my elbow acne on him when we fight. Some times when he’s not looking I put my puss from my butt acne in his drinks. I don’t really hate my family, its just that I think everyone is stupid.

My dad is weird. He thinks that dancing in your underwear is cool. My Dad is actually OK, cause at least he listens to music, even if it sucks. Well my dad is not that cool. He has some weird thing were he licks his hand before he shakes it with other people. And then he puts his fingers in his mouth.

My mom is odd too. She knits clothes and stuff and forces me and my brother to wear her horrid knitting creations. Once she even knitted me gym shorts. They were wool and it itched and it stuck when I sweated. And I got a rash too. All my clothes are knitted by my mom, I think that’s why I don’t have many friends. The worst thing is that I have to wear Peirce’s knit hand me downs.

My dog Lucifer is mad cool yo. I found him in the ghetto when I was bringing Asian food to a less fortunate family for a school community service project. Lucifer is a bull mastiff. No I lied, he’s actually a Pekinese. I kick him in the butt when I am bored. I got Lucifer from a drug dealer in the ghetto the time I was doing my community service project. Lucifer doesn’t go to the bathroom ever. So, I never have to walk him. Lucifer is rather obese because I never walk him and he never goes which keeps all his poop in him and makes him fat.

At least I have my curling. There are four people on the curling team, the two pushers who take turns pushing, and the two sweepers. I am sweeper number two, they call me number two. I think that is kind of a rip off of Austin Powers. Our Jr. High School Curling team is called the Unicorns. We are not that good, our record is 0-17 this season so far. This is my last year in Jr. High, and I was almost voted captain of the Curling team this year. But stupid AsianBruce was voted captain! He’s the first pusher, I am very angry at him for stealing the title of Curling Captain from me. Curling folk also call the first pusher the “Skip” – I hate that name. Its like that movie about the sad little Jack Russell Terrier dog. My dad rented that movie like six times, but no one in my family wanted to watch it because it was so sad. I think AsianBruce is sad too, but he never admits it. He acts happy all the time, like what for! Well I don’t know really his eyes are always squinty and I can never tell with him. He acts happy, but that doesn’t fool me. He is a lot like me in that he has never been on a date with a girl. I am surprised he can even see a girl with those squinty eyes of his.

I forgot to tell you that my dog Lucifer wears a back brace. He wears one because I ride him where ever I go. That is another reason that I never walk him. It is also another reason why AsianBruce is my only friend. Other kids have cars, but no, I ride a dog. Even though the kids who have cars are like three or four years older then me and don’t even go to my school I am still furious I should be able to drive but NO I cant because I am only thirteen, stupid laws.

Now that you know everything you need to know about me I can begin my story….

It all started when AsianBruce, as captain of the curling team said all the guys on the team had to shower together after each practice. That creeped me out as I knew the headmaster, Eugene Oppenheimer liked to watch boys shower. I asked AsianBruce why he decided to make the team shower together and he said it was so we smelled good for the girls. That was still odd though because we are the only two boys on the team, I don’t really believe his “smell good for the girls” story.

So, the first practice after his “order” that we shower together I pretended I had a stomach ache at the end of practice and went to the nurse’s office. Then after I ate some Tums I went out to the bike rack and unlocked Lucifer. I got on his back and rode home.

AsianBruce called me at home that night and wanted to know how I was feeling. I told him I felt fine but I still didn’t want to shower after practice. I think he was turning queer or something because first he wants to shower together and now he was calling me asking me how I was feeling. Before I hung up I made a noise like MEEEAAA then I hung up wicked quick. I sat in my bedroom with the phone in my hands and thought that maybe if I had a girl friend AsianBruce would leave me alone. So I started thinking of names of girls and names of schools that were far away so I could pretend I have a girlfriend. I decided my girlfriend would be Claudia, and she would go to Westminster, a boarding school in Simsbury, CT. It was a good lie I made up to tell AsianBruce. It would for sure keep him away from me. All I needed was a photo of my new girl, but she couldn’t be too pretty, or else it wouldn’t be believable. So I went on Google and searched for images of “13 year old ugly girls” and printed out the pictures. I picked a girl with acne, braces on her teeth, a back brace, and glasses. I cut out the photo and put it in my wallet.

The bad news was when I went in to school the next morning. An announcement came on over the loud speaker. “Today At Unicorn Pride Academy a new student is starting today her name is Lacey Shapiro. She is interested in websites and dancing”. When I saw her she looked just like the girl in the photo that I down loaded from Google. I thought my plan would be ruined so I walked over to her and said,

“Hello I am James Nickel Comer, I have your picture, I downloaded it from Google. WILL YOU GO TO PROM WITH ME AND DANCE AND DANCE AND DANCE?!!!”

“Maybe we should have lunch together first? I will meet you in the cafeteria at the beginning of Period 4, but I think you’re nice”, Lacey said. She walked away dragging her left foot. I thought her limp was cute. So, I started limping too, except I dragged my right foot and I didn’t limp at curling practice.

So at lunch I was sitting at our regular table with AsianBruce, and no one else when Lacey hobbled in. She came over and sat with us, we traded lunches. I told her all about Unicorn Pride and what an OK place it was. AsianBruce tried to but in, but I could tell Lacey didn’t like Asians. She kept pulling her eyes back with her hands when she talked to AsianBruce. I showed her my elbow acne and she thought it was really neat. Then I explained all about the picture I found of her and she said she had a website and that’s how the picture was on Google. We both decided to walk home together after school. I asked her to watch me practice curling then we could go home. She agreed. I day dreamed about her for the rest of the day while I was in my classes.

After curling I ran away really fast so AsianBruce wouldn’t get a chance to make me shower with him. Lacey was hobbling along behind me trying to keep up. I thought this walking home together thing was going fine. But I was running so fast I ran past her house, I didn’t even know it. When I got to my house she wasn’t behind me anymore.

I spent the whole evening wondering what happened to Lacey. I decided to look through the new student pamphlet to find her phone number and address. And, I went on to Google Earth and down loaded a satellite image of her house. I picked up the phone and dialed her number. An old man picked up the phone.

“Hello” he said in a deep, cranky voice. I asked to speak with Lacey. The old man asked who I was, and I told him I was Lacey’s boy friend, and that we were going to Prom. Then he gave the phone to Lacey.

“Hello?” she said. “My stump is bloody from dragging it really fast all the way home today.”

“Oh, So, Prom is coming. It's on the 17th of May and I've got a message I want to convey.”

“That’s neat”

“I'll buy a nice suit and you can wear a pretty dress. You will watch me dance and realize I am the best”

“I don’t really like dresses”

“We'll slow dance and fast dance and clap our hands”

“dancing isn’t really my thing, its rather hard with a stump-leg”

“My moves will be so hot you'll have to stand under the fan”

“I don’t think you are listening to me, how about we get some ice cream and talk about this”

“This dance will be better than your favorite ice cream. I cut like a knife and I dance just like a dream”

“I don’t think it is rather fair to compare proms with desserts”

“Lets go to prom ahhh...let's go to prom. Lets go to prom”

Lacey said, “Ahhh, I really don’t dance, I drag.” Then there was some clicking noise and the phone started making a funny ringing noise. I decided our phone connection must have been disconnected so I hung up.

I was laying on my bed thinking about prom when I realized that Lucifer was still locked up to the bike rack at school. It was past curfew so I would have to sneak out if I wanted to get him now or I could wait until morning and hope the coyotes wouldn’t eat him. I decided to have a snack. I ate some chips and drank a sprite. Then I watched South Park on TV. Then I looked at the clock and it was 10:30. I opened the window in the family room and climbed out into our hot tub area. Then I ran to Unicorn Pride. When I reached the bike rack I saw little Lucifer. He was whimpering. Poor Lucifer, I felt so bad that I unlocked him from the rack. Then I hopped on his back and made him carry me home. When we got home I lifted him through the family room window and then climbed in myself. I fed Lucifer some dinner then went up to my bedroom. There was a message on my answering machine. I played it.

“Hello James Nickel Comer. You didn’t shower with the team today! As Captain, I am cutting back your playing time, unless you shower with me before practice and after practice Monday.”

I was so upset I decided to talk my father about this. I went to his study where he was reading a book and smoking his pipe.

“What is it James Nickel Comer?” asked my father

“I am just so confused. AsianBruce is making me shower with him after practice and I don’t want to!”

“Tell me about this AsianBruce character”, said Father, as he puffed on his pipe and the smell of cherry cured tobacco filled the study.

“Well he is my best friend, but now he is acting like a g-word person” I replied as my father blew smoke rings around my face. “I am not the least bit G-word. In fact, I have a girl friend. Let me show you her picture.”

“Now, now James Nickel Comer, we don’t need to talk about your girlfriend. What else about this Chinese fellow?”

“He is captain of the curling team, and he sits with me at lunch everyday. He just started acting very strange lately. Maybe he needs a girl friend too.”

“Your cousin just moved in down the street you know, maybe you should introduce that Japanese child to her” my father said “I hear she likes the Asian folks, and is very interested in sports”.

I felt better already. I gave my Father a big hug, and said goodnight. “Good night Father, you have really helped me out. I will introduce AsianBruce to cousin Bertha tomorrow.”

In the morning, since it was a Saturday, I could go introduce AsianBruce to my cousin Bertha. I called up AsianBruce and told him to meet me at Old North Church that is on the street between my house and Bertha’s. On my walk over I was thinking how cool it was that there was a study in my house and how my Father smoked a pipe in the study. When I reached the Old North Church AsianBruce was sitting on the steps. He came down and gave me a hug. I struggled to get away. After I got away I asked AsianBruce,

“Have you ever been into a Christian church?”

“Umm, no, I am Buddhist. So why did you want me here?”

“Have you ever been to a Bah Mitzvah?”

“Umm, no, I am Buddhist, it’s not allowed. So let’s get back on subject, why did you want me here?”

“Have your ever read the bible?”

“No I am Buddhist! So please let’s talk about why I am here!”

“I want to introduce you to my cousin Bertha. She is hot, and she likes Asian kids, and kids that are athletic, and you fit the bill in all regards. And I was thinking, if you had a girl friend you would stop asking me to shower with you.” He looked kind of squirmish, but like I said you can never tell with those squinty eyed kids. We walked down the street a little ways until we got to my cousins house.

We walked up to the house and I rang the door bell. We heard footsteps walking up to the door as we stood their waiting in the bright Saturday morning sun. My cousin Bertha opened the door. She had blonde hair today, and had a Hollister T-shirt on with American Eagle Jeans. Her bangs were staying out of her face because her Chenelle sunglasses were propped up on her head.

She stepped toward me and gave me a cheek kiss.

“Who is the Chinese kid? Is he delivering Chinese food?” she said.

“ No this is my best friend, AsianBruce”

“Oh, Hello AsianBruce” Bertha replied with her nose all wrinkled up like something smelt bad. “Please don’t put any menus under our door. And James Nickel Comer, I was so into the Asian thing like two years ago.”

“Oh, that’s nice. Bertha” I said then turned to look at AsianBruce and said, “Wash your hands, there afraid of SARS and Asian bird flu”.

AsianBruce seemed to have his feelings hurt. There were a couple of tears coming out of his slitty eyes.

“Crying is so gay” I said

“Your paper-cuts are bleeding clear” said Bertha.

“So, do you want to go out with me, Bertha”, said AsianBruce.

“No I don’t date Koreans” she replied.

AsianBruce turned and ran down the street. I cheek kissed my cousin goodbye and tried to catch up to AsianBruce.

As I was running down the street trying to catch up to my speedy Asian friend, I saw Lacey hobbling along. She was next to a black kid, the black kid looked rather ghetto, he had baggie jeans that started at his knees and a t-shirt that was 4 sizes too big and he was wearing a flat rimmed baseball hat. It turned out that ghetto boy was Lacey’s brother. I was scared of his urban-esque style.

“Hola James Nickel Comer” Lacey said.

“Who is the black kid?”, “Does he belong to you?”

“Yes, He’s my little brother, his name is Kinnik” Lacey replied.

“Kinnik, where on earth did your parents get that name?, from American Idol?”

“No my mother was looking on a list of slave names and she liked it” Kinnik answered.

“Do you have a father? Or, are you a test tube baby, or just a fatherless kid from the ghetto?”

“Jeezle Petes. I don’t know”

“How come you’re black and Lacey is white?” I asked

“I’m black?”, said Kinnik.

“Yes you are Kinnik!” shouted Lacey. Then she looked at me “Our mother is black, and our father was white. I have all the white jeans and Kinnik has all the black jeans. Our mom was 14 when I was born then 15 when Kinnik was born, now she’s 27”

I thought, everything I thought about my dream girl, Lacey, was being proved wrong. How could she have a black brother? How could she not be the girl of my dreams?

I decided to ask if Kinnik and Lacey wanted to go out to lunch with me at Panera Bread.

“Hey, let’s have lunch at Panera Bread. I heard they have great bread.”

“Okay! I want the rye bread” shouted Kinnik all excited about the idea.

“Me too”, I said “Jewish people like rye bread. I didn’t know black kids like rye bread too.”

“I want the new wheat bread with the candy inside” said Lacey trying to jump with joy. We all set off down the street to the nearest Panera Bread.

On the way there we ran into Pierth. We told him we were going to Panera Bread for lunch.

“What are you going to get JEW BOY? The rye bread?” taunted Pierth “And, by the way, nith Jewfro.”

“You have one too! You just straighten yours you metrosexual, lisping, Hitler wannabe”, I replied in fury.

Once we were at Panera Bread we ordered our lunches and sat at a table by the window. We talked about our families and looked out the window.

“My brother Pierth wants to be like Hitler, he tries to talk in Germen like ‘UNDERGUSH LOTCTHCH HUKCHT UMFERDIK NK” I told them. “He pretends that he isn’t Jewish, and he has posters of Hitler in his bedroom. He also has a Nazi symbol on his door and he also makes me and my parents wear the Star of David.”

“Do you two have any interesting family members?”

“Umm no” Lacey said as she turned and looked out the window in awkward silence.

“Well, we do have weird Uncle Bobby. We see him around town taking empty bottles out of garbage cans and dumpsters.” Said Kinnik

“Shut up Kinnik! Don’t talk about that!” Lacey shouted then quickly returned to her widow watching.

I felt uncomfortable so I got up and excused myself. “I need to get home and do some chores.”

As I was walking back home I was very mad at my self for not riding Lucifer and now I had to walk all the way home. The strong wind blew threw my jewfro and it sent a chill down my spine. But, maybe it wasn’t the wind. Maybe it was Lacey’s odd behavior at Panera Bread.

I heard some clinking by a dumpster. I looked over and there was a tall black man. “Uncle Bobby?” I shouted, and the man looked up.

“Go away” grumbled the man tossing a beer bottle at my head, luckily missing. I stepped closer.

“I am Lacey’s boyfriend” I told him as I was picking up the beer bottle bits. Then I turned and walked home.

When I reached my house AsianBruce was in my yard playing with the grass, watching my mother garden. He ran up to me as I came into view. I was surprised that his view was that great considering his squinky eyes.

“Want to have dinner at my house tonight, then get a poker game going?” said AsianBruce.

“Good Idea I will go get my stuff then be right out” I said. I went up to my room, put on my new Black Eyed Peas CD, laid down on my bed, and closed my eyes. I think it was about 30 minutes of me sleeping when someone was waking me from my sleep. I looked up and saw AsianBruce’s face staring at me. “Sorry AB, I must have fallen asleep.”

“Its ok, I already packed for you while you were sleeping now come on dinner should be ready soon”.

As we walked to AsianBruce’s house I wondered if he had gone into my underwear draw and picked out underwear for me. He probably did.

“I was waiting at your house since I ran away from your cousins. What took you so long getting back?” AsianBruce asked as we reached the white picket fence in front of his house.

“I had lunch with Lacey and her little brother. We went to Panera Bread. I had the rye.”

“I love Panera Bread, they have good bread. Their rice bread is my favorite. We are having white rice and fish broth for dinner tonight. My Mom does a real good job with that.”

“Good thing I like Asian food!” I said, still pondering whether or not he went through my underwear. I said hi to AB’s parents and we went to their family room to play video games. They had a huge Sony big screen TV. Asians always have the best electronics.

“Dinner” shouted Mrs. Lee. AsianBruce and I both left the video game and went to the dining room were you have to take off your shoes and kneel when you eat. It was wicked hard to eat the soup with chop sticks. The Lees could do it really well.

After dinner we watched a rented movie. It was a Jackie Chan movie as AB loves the martial arts. I thought it was boring, to many squinty eyes.

After the movie we went up the stairs to AsianBruce’s bedroom. He wanted to show me his collection of num chucks.

“What ever” I said as I unrolled my sleeping bag. AB went on and on about the different num chuck styles while I was setting up my sleeping area, building a fort around me with pillows. I fell asleep while he was still talking about num chucks, or curling, or something. I don’t think he new I fell asleep because I was in my fort and he couldn’t see me.

The morning came quickly, and I quickly dressed in my sleeping bag and went down stairs to the safety of the kitchen. Mrs. Lee was cooking some Asian breakfast it smelled funny, I wondered if I would have to eat with chop sticks again. We ended up having rice pancakes and they were quite good with Japneese-maple syrup.

I left while AsianBruce was still asleep because I didn’t want to deal with him. On my way home I saw Lacey hobbling down the street. She was singing to herself. She didn’t see me so I walked behind her for quite a while. This is what I heard.

“What you gon' do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk? I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump. My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps. Check it out. I drive these brothers crazy, I do it on the daily, they treat me really nicely, they buy me all these ices. Dolce & Gabbana, Fendi and NaDonna, Karan, they be sharin'. All their money got me wearin' fly. But I ain't askin, They say they love my ass ‘n, Seven Jeans, True Religion's, I say no, but they keep givin' so I keep on takin' and no I ain't taken. We can keep on datin'. I keep on demonstrating my love, my love, my love, my love. You love my lady lumps, my hump, my hump, my hump, my humps they got u, she's got me spending. Oh Spendin' all your money on me and spending time on me.

She's got me spendin'. Oh Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me. What you gon' do with all that junk? All that junk inside that trunk? I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump. What u gon' do with all that ass? All that ass inside them jeans? I'm a make, make, make, make you scream make u scream, make you scream. Cuz of my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps. Check it out. I met a girl down at the disco. She said hey, hey, hey yea let's go. I could be your baby, you can be my honey. Let's spend time not money. I mix your milk wit my cocoa puff, Milky, milky cocoa, Mix your milk with my cocoa puff, milky, milky riiiiiiight. They say I'm really sexy, The boys they wanna sex me. They always standing next to me, Always dancing next to me, Tryin' a feel my hump, hump. Lookin' at my lump, lump. You can look but you can't touch it, if you touch it I'ma start some drama, you don't want no drama, no, no drama, no, no, no, no drama. So don't pull on my hand boy, you ain't my man, boy, I'm just tryn'a dance boy, And move my hump. My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump. My lovely lady lumps lumps, My lovely lady lumps lumps, My lovely lady lumps lumps, In the back and in the front lumps

My lovin' got u, She's got me spendin'. Oh Spendin' all your money on me and spending time on me. She's got me spendin'. Oh Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me.

What you gon' do with all that junk? All that junk inside that trunk? I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump.What you gon' do with all that ass? All that ass inside them jeans? I'ma make, make, make, make you scream make you scream, make you scream. What you gon do with all that junk? All that junk inside that trunk? I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk, get you love drunk off this hump. What you gon' do wit all that breast? All that breast inside that shirt? I'ma make, make, make, make you work make you work, work, make you work. She's got me spendin'. Spendin all your money on me and spendin' time on me. She's got me spendin'. Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me.”.

Then I tapped her shoulder. She almost jumped out of her skin with surprise. She turned and glared at me.

“James Nickel Comer, you scared the bejeebers out of me.”

“Oh, So, Prom have you bought your dress yet? My mom is knitting me a nice tuxedo. Black yarn with one purple thread. Do you realize what a royal color purple is? And, by the way, I think you have a great voice and good rhythm jiving to that cool tune.”

“Wait! Prom? I never said-”

“Yeah Prom will be fun” I said cutting her off. I didn’t think what she was going to say anything important. Girls never do.

“Wait, James Nickel Comer. I never said I would go to Prom with you.”

“Oh, oh, oh. I am so sorry. Will you go to prom with me?”

“Jeezz James Nickel Comer I don’t know, your kind of weird…”

“Is that a yes or a no?”

“uhhgg. James Nickel Comer,” She looked down at her watch. “I have to go. My hair is dirty and I really need to wash it tonight, and my Dad needs to scrape the dirt out of my back brace”.

She turned around hobbling in the opposite direction of her house. While I walked closer to my house which is closer to her house, I wondered, maybe she had an errand to run. I saw Pierth leaning up against a tree talking to a girl.

“Tho thee you later Thuzie” he said then noticed I was watching him, snickering at his speech impediment. He touched his little greasy moustache that he thought resembled Hitler’s, but really looked like the mustache on any Mexican that just came over the border illegally. “Thut up Jameth Nickel Comer” he shouted while slapping me over the head. I stopped laughing after I spit in his hair.

“Hitler used spit to grease down his hair too. Did you know he was a half Jew?” I said. Pierth pulled a leash out of his pocket, hooked it to one of my belt loops and started dragging me home. As he dragged me home, and he does walk much faster than I, I thought about ways to get back at him if only I was as big and mean as he was.

When we got into the yard he unclipped me.

“Jewth detherve to be tethered when they are not on their own property!”, he shouted at me. He pushed me down into the mud and dog crap. Then he stormed inside.

Once Peirth got up to his room he looked into the mirror over his bureau and groomed his greasy little Mexican mustache. I saw him doing this by looking up at his window, I also learned that it was safe to go inside since he was preoccupied by his Mexican mustache. I should have used my elbow acne puss on him.

Once I got inside I went to my room and according to plan I started collecting acne puss into jars so I could use it on Pierth. I had this master plan to get five jars of elbow/butt acne puss. So then in the mourning when my mom is cooking for Pierth I will slip some puss into his meal. If he likes the taste then my plan has great potential.

I heard a knock on the door. I looked at the clock, it was 12 o’clock. I was afraid to even think about what was going to happen to me. There was another knock on the door. I was paralyzed and just sat there on my bed. The door was forced open and Peirth walked in.

“Jew inthpection!” he shouted. “I count one dirty, thlimy Jew-boy with a jewfro. Any hiding under your bed or in your clothet?” I was really scared that he would see my puss jars and take them away. So, I decided it was now or never. I grabbed the jar of puss off my bureau and ran past Peirth and down the stairs to the safety of Dad’s study. I hid the jar behind some books and then went into the kitchen. Mom was kitting my suit for Prom. It was coming along great.

“Hey Mom, can you knit me some black shoes to go with the tux?” I asked.

“They will rip and it will be the only time you would be able to wear them so I don’t think I will knit you any” she replied. Just then Peirth walked in, my mother was frightened and looked back down at her knitting.

“Jew inthpection” shouted Peirth. “I count two! If anymore Jewth join the party I will be forthed to theparate you!” Peirth picked his nose as he stared at us, then ate the stuff on his finger. He saw our facial expressions change when he did that so he left the room to find Dad.

Dad was out in the garage working on his 1968 Corvette Stingray. The car was his pride and joy and he kept it in cherry condition.

“Jew inthpection!” Peirth shouted knocking the wrench out of Dad’s hand. Dad picked the wrench up and threw it at Peirth’s head. Bull’s eye, he hit Peirth smack in the forehead and Peirth went down like a sack of potatoes.

“I count one” he attempted to shout from the floor of the garage. Dad took the weed whacker off the wall of the garage and started it up. Peirth scrambled off the floor and quickly ran out of the garage.

“I didn’t think Jewth were allowed to own thuch nith equipment” Peirth said on his way out.

“Come back at your own risk”, shouted my Dad at the back of Peirth’s head.

“If you hurt me one more time I will call the child abuth hotline!” Peirth threatened.

Dad just laughed and went back to work on his Corvette Stingray. After a while I went out to the garage to talk with Dad since it was safe.

“I am sick of him treating us like that” I said to father

“So am I, that’s why I threw my wrench at him. It was a great throw. Just like my old college days as quarterback of the football team.” The phone rang but since both of us are guys we didn’t bother to pick it up. We always wait for mom to do that kind of thing. My Mom came out to the garage.

“James Nickel Comer, your cousin Bertha is on the phone.” said Mom. I took the phone from my mother.

“Hello?” I answered.

“James Nickel Comer, you must come to my party tonight”. It is the place to be for Middle School kids this weekend. I even invited that new girl with the back brace and the limp.” Said Bertha.

“Great sounds fun, can I bring a friend?”

“Sure as long as its not the Asian kid. He will infect us with his diseases.” After that she hung up quick so I couldn’t protest.

I decided we would need tape if I was going to bring AsianBruce. I asked my Mom and Dad if I could go to the party at Bertha’s tonight. Mom asked, “Who else will be there?”

“AB, Lacey, Bertha, Bertha’s friends”

“Sounds like fun. Will you need a ride?”

“No, I’ll ride Lucifer.”

The Night was humid. No, the night was sultry. No I lied it was more moist. Actually, the night was misty. I was riding Lucifer along the side walk, wearing my mining helmet with the head lamp attached so I could see were I was going. I heard the sound of a leg dragging a little ways behind me. The sound scared me so I jabbed my heels into Lucifer so he would go faster. It didn’t work he kind of just collapsed on the side walk. The leg dragger wasn’t as smart as I was, it didn’t wear a head lamp, the dragger tripped over me and my collapsed dog and fell on top of the pile. Just then Lucifer passed gas. It was the most foul smell I had ever smelled.

“That was nice” the dragger said sarcastically.

“Get off of me” I said to the dragger, as I pushed it’s form off of me. I felt something familiar. Like one of the braces from my back brace collection. I patted it to make sure I knew what it as.

“Lucifer am I patting you?” I asked

“No you’re patting me” shouted the dragger

“Identify your self” I shouted

“Its Lacey Shapiro” said the dragger a.k.a Lacey.

I was still patting her back brace as I replied, “I am so sorry Lacey. Are you OK? I understand you were invited to Bertha’s party.”

Just then before Lacey had a chance to answer, something scooped me up and carried me away. The something blind folded me while it was running. When it stopped running I could see lights seeming through the seams of the blind fold. The something untied the blind fold and I was sitting in a room across a table from Uncle Bobby. Uncle Bobby had shaved his head. His gleaming black scalp glistened under the bare 80 watt light bulb that swayed slowly back and forth over the table. The table was bare except for a bucket of KFC original recipe chicken. I always heard that black people liked fried chicken. This was definitely proof. There was a sleeping bag in one corner of the room and in all the other corners there were bottles, cans, KFC buckets, and chicken bones stacked to the ceiling.

“Uncle Bobby?” I asked

“Shut up” he mumbled throwing a beer can at my head, luckily missing.

We just sat there at the table looking at each other. After about 10 minutes Bobby ate all the chicken in the bucket. He piled the chicken bones in the middle of the table.

“Stay away from Lacey” he said, giving me a bone. “Nibble it.”

I took the chicken bone and sucked on the harden crust at the end. It was good. I loved original recipe.

“Ya’ hear! Stay away!” He shouted at me, spit came spraying from his mouth has he spoke these words. The spit landed on my face and dripped down off my chin forming a puddle on the table. I sat there silently thinking, I hope he doesn’t have AIDS.

“Boy why aint you talkin’” he questioned. I just sat there not registering that a black person would talk to me. Black people scare me.

After about a minute I asked, “Can I leave now?”

“Only if ya’ promis to stay away from my sista’s baby girl!” he shouted spraying more spit onto my face.

I thought about AIDs again. Boy did I need a shower.

“Uncle Bobby, I want Lacey to go to Prom with me”.

“No way!” he said reaching in his pocket and pulling out a squirt gun.

I crossed my fingers and toes. “OK Uncle Bobby, I will leave Lacey alone. In fact, I don’t even know Lacey.”

“Ya’ promis?” he asked pointing the gun at my head.

With my fingers and toes crossed I replied, “Yes.” He lowered the gun and nodded.

“You can go now”, said Uncle Bobby.

“Where am I?”

“I’ll take you back, but ya’ gotta’ be blind folded” he said as he wrapped the blind fold around my eyes. The blind fold was greasy and smelled of KFC. It was rather pleasant. It was fun being carried around I thought I would hang out with Lacey tomorrow just so I could be carried around blind folded again.

Uncle Bobby dropped me off where Lucifer still lay on the sidewalk. And standing next to Lucifer was Peirth.

“If it isn’t Jew boy and this Negro slave!” said Peirth.

Chapter 2

The night after I was sitting on my bed with Lucifer on my lap, I was stroking his fur violently. I was still mad that I got to Bertha’s party late, and that when I got there I smelled of KFC. So your probably wondering what happened after Peirth saw me with Uncle Bobby. Well, Bobby got really upset about the Negro slave comment and tied Peirth to a tree and left him there. I felt bad for Peirth because for once in his life he was doing something nice, he was waiting with Lucifer so he wouldn’t run away. One of the reasons I was petting Lucifer so hard is that I never went back to check on Peirth and he ended up being tied to the tree all night. The police found him the next morning when they were on a routine patrol.

So, last night I waved to Peirth and set out for the party. When I got there I asked around and Lacey had already left. I asked around for Asian Bruce but he had left too. I asked around some more and I found out they left together to go to the movies. I was very upset at him. I was so mad that I decided I would make Lacey jealous too. I asked this girl Randi to dance. She was cute, but she weighed like 264 lbs. We got out on the dance floor and she was jiggling like jello all 264 lbs of her. She bumped into a couple of people and they left the dance floor. This one kid she bumped into fell over and broke his wrist. She tripped over the broken wrist kid and fell on top of a girl and the girl had to go to the hospital because she became unconscious while she was being suffocated by flab.

I thought she was a good dancer and I was having a good time. I even snuck a kiss from Randi. It was my fist kiss but I don’t think I got her lips it was hard to tell if it was another chin or something.

Sitting on my bed I was also mad that I had not walked Randi home. She said she was being picked up by her Dad in his Chevy Suburban. She also said she lived a couple miles away from Bertha’s so I figured she couldn’t walk that far anyway.

I picked up the phone and called Lacey. It was Lacey that answered the phone and I told her I was sorry I missed her last night at the party.

“I was gunna go to the movies with that AB guy you hang out with but I started making fun of his eyes and he left” Lacey said to change the subject.

“Well I kissed a girl that wasn’t you” I told her to try and make her jealous. “It was that cute girl Randi.”

“Oh…Randi”, Lacey said she was kinda crying or snickering, one of the two. “Isn’t she the girl that can’t do gym because of her slight weight problem?”

“I wouldn’t know.” I said really fast then hung up without saying goodbye.

I went over to my sacred back brace collection and started caressing my favorite brace.

“Some day I will get Lacey’s back brace for my collection” I whispered to the velcro strap. I decided then and there I would take it out of her locker when she was at gym. I sat down at my desk and started sketching a diagram of the girls locker from a picture in my photographic memory. I needed to take it when she was in the shower, as she would be wearing the back brace during any gym activity. I needed back up. I picked up the phone book since the number slipped my mind. I looked under the B’s in the yellow pages.

“Ahha” I exclaimed when my finger traced the name, The Back Up. These guys were the pros, back up for hire! I called and a guy named Bradford answered.

“Hello thanks for calling The Back Up, this is Bradford. How may I help you?” he said.

“Hi, I’m James Nickel Comer. I need back up to steal a girl’s back brace from the middle school girl’s locker room. Do you take that kind of work?”

“No, you sick freak! We are temp back up singers” said Bradford and hung up.

I thought about my options. I bet Randi will help me I thought. I didn’t know Randi’s last name so I decided to search Randi in the phone book. I called seven numbers and they all insisted their last name was Randi, not their first.

I pulled out last year’s year book. Maybe she would be in there. She belonged to two clubs, The Weight Loss Club and the Don’t Discriminate against Obese Children Club. I searched the DDAOCC page first, I couldn’t pick her out among the other fatties so I flipped to the WLC page. She was the right there, smack, she was the fattie in the middle of the twigs. Her name read Randi Gruby.

I got her phone number out of the phone book and called her house. Her father answered the phone. “Are you the nice young man that danced with Randi last night? She has told us that you two are dating now.”

“Maybe we are dating, can I talk to her?”

“Yes hold on she’s eating a cake right now, we can chat until she finishes.”

I said, “Well OK. I really need to talk to Randi about this mission I want to pull off.”

“Mission ehh? Op she’s done eating. Oh she just drank a pudding cup. Here she is”

“Hi Randi”, I said. “How was your cake and the pudding? Were they chocolate?”

“What? I don’t eat that stuff its bad for your figure” she stuttered.

“Well, anyway, I think you have a great figure. By the way, can you help me get something out of the girl’s locker room locker of that back brace girl, Lacey Shapiro?”

“I don’t like her she always sticks notes under my rolls. They say things like U found this u get a free cooked turkey , and I bet your size 40 at American Eagle , I’m size 3. So, yes, I will help you.”

“Great, this is what I need to you do. When she is in the shower go into her locker and take out he back brace. Maybe you can smuggle it out in your over sized shirt that you sometimes wear.”

“Sure James Nickel Comer. You have to sit with me at lunch though”

“At the slanty table?” I ask knowing that the slanty table is only slanty when she sits there putting her elbows on the table.

“What slanty table? How about I sit with you and your friend Bruce.”

“Whose Bruce?” I asked this was a really puzzling question.

“The Chinese kid you sit with at lunch every day”

“Oh, Asian Bruce”, I replied.

“I also sit with Lacey so it can be all four of us” I said knowing she wouldn’t like sitting with Lacey but I hung up so she couldn’t protest.

I was so pleased that my plan to snatch the coveted Lacey back brace was coming together. I decided to treat myself to a bowl of ice cream. I put spinach on top to make it healthy. The combination of spinach, wiped cream, chocolate sauce, and chocolate chip ice cream just rocked.

The next day I rode Lucifer next to Pierth on the way to school. I saw Asain Bruce sitting on the stairs. He jumped up and joined me as I walked into the school.

“I was just telling those guys about our awesome curling season. How we made the “states”. By the way, double session practices for the nest week until the “states”.”

“But we’re 0-17 AB. Uhuh…yeah so what do u think about the beast?” I asked

“The beast? Oh right…Randi. I think she is the fattest girl at U Pride. But, I know its perverse, but sometimes I think she’s cute. ”

“Haha you think shes cute! Your slanty eyes must blur your vision” but the sad thing was that right when I was saying this Randi cam over and hugged me. L But it kind of felt good having all that flab pressed against me in the hug. I saw a range of emotion pass over AsianBruce’s face after I was hugged. I pushed Randi away and started walking fast. She waddled after me but could not keep up the pace. I safely made it to my homeroom. AB and I sat down at our homeroom desks. Lacey soon hobbled in, she looked directly at me like she needed to tell me something. I quickly put my hand up to my ear and shaped like a phone so I could tell her to go away because I was on an important call. I did notice that her back brace looked smashing today. It dawned on me that the only reason I liked her was because of her back brace. I quickly hung up the phone and looked up at Lacey as she was standing over my desk.

“Prom?” I asked hopingly. Lacey shook her head and frowned.

“Don’t hang up on me again, like you did last night.”

“What are you talking about? I was with church youth group all last night. I never called you”, I said hoping she would go away. She stared at me and took a seat. AB tossed a note onto my desk. I opened it. It said “church group ha ha ur jewish”.

I sat there and thought about how awesome a back brace that fit Randi would be. It would be soooo LARGE. If only I could cause her to injure her back.

Soon it was lunch. I was sitting with AB and Lacey when the beast came into the cafeteria. She smiled when she saw me and waddled over.

As she was approaching our table I threw a banana peel in her path. She slipped on it and her feet went high into the air. It was too bad that she choose to wear a skirt today because everyone could see her fat sticking out around her underwear. With a thud that shook the cafeteria she landed on her back. She let out a scream of pain. Everyone was laffing while she was crying.

“She needs a back brace” I shouted. “Quick, someone get her a back brace!”

“Ha Ha there is no back brace for miles that will fit her” said some kid at another table.

Several teachers ran over to help. One teacher called the office and instructed them to have the nurse get her as soon as possible. While I was standing among the chaos of laughing children and EMT’s I started thinkng about her back brace. Then I realized that my plan to steal Lacey’s back brace had disintegrated. I would have to go in myself. Or, maybe I could help Randi with her rehab – just the thought of that made me shudder.

After lunch it was gym class. All the girls changed and ran into the gymnasium. I took my normal route through the heating ducts into the girl’s lockerroom. I waited for an hour, sitting on the vent above the lockers. I saw all the girls come in and go to the showers. I climbed out of the heating duct and grabbed Lacey’s back brace, climbed back up into the duct, and crawled out to the lobby area. There I safely dropped to the floor and ran to my locker to stash the back brace.

I had the next period with Lacey so I could see her reaction. I headed to room 109 for math class. I took a seat at the back so I could see everything in front of me. In a minute Lacey hobbled in all humped over and stuff.

“Hey Lacey, why are your all curved over and stuff?”, I said.

“I couldn’t find my back brace and now I have no back support” she replied.

“Bummer” I replied. “Having a curved back must really suck. Prom?”

“I don’t think I could go to Prom with a back like this”

“Well, if I find your back brace will you go with me?”

“Probably not”

“I didn’t want to go that much any way. Besides, Randi asked me to go with her today.”

“before or after she hurt her back?”

“I don’t recall. But, that’s not important anyway. What I care about is helping you find that missing back brace.” The bell rang and Lacey had to sit down and couldn’t pester me with her pointless questions anymore.

I didn’t hear a thing in math class. I sat there and day dreamed about caressing Lacey’s back brace in my room tonight.

So after school I put Lacey’s back brace in my gym bag. One part of it sticked out of the bag a little. So what I thought. I got Lucifer and was riding home. Lacey was walking along beside me but it looked rather awkward because she was limping and her back was all curved. She must have been in pain because her faces was all srcrucheld. I waved goodbye when she collapsed on her driveway and rode on toward my own house.

The minute I got into my house I ran up to my room, took Lacey’s back brace out of my gym bag, and took a deep smell of its aroma. It pleased me. The smell of old sweat and Lacey wofted through my nose.

I picked up the phone to call Lacey and ask her about her back brace search. Lacey answered the phone.

“Hi,” I said. “Hope you are feeling OK after the collapse?”

“better but I am lying down and can’t move” she answered “but get this it cost $50,000 to get me a new back brace!”

“Boy, that’s too bad a new back brace costs that much. Good thing your folks are rich”, I said.

“Rich? We are NOT rich. All four of us live in a one bedroom apartment!”

“Sure…” I said then hung up because I was bored with her.

I was so fired up I went down stairs and talked to my Dad. He was home from work early. He was in his study smoking his pipe.

“Hi Son. Want to talk?”, he said.

“I have gathered another addition to my collection” I said. “But, I have no feeling of accomplishment. Already I want to get Randi’s back brace. Why can’t I just be content?”

“You’re just searching for more in your life. Why don’t you try online dating?”

“Huh?”. Then I ran out of his study.

Then I realized maybe I should give Lacey’s back brace back instead of her parent’s having to pay $50,000, but I wont tell her I took it. I will say I bought her a new one. Yes she will be pleased and will go to Prom. Then maybe I won’t have to try the on-line dating thing.

I went down stairs and got out some wrapping paper. I wrapped the brace really well and I tied a bow around it. I got on Lucifer and rode her to Lacey’s house.

When I arrived I rang the doorbell. An old lady with curly black hair opened the door. She said, “Are you one of the sports promoters that works with my husband?”

“No…is Lacey home?” I asked then pushed her aside and went into the apartment.

“Stop!” she yelled, “Lacey is very sick”

I waived the wrapped package over my head. “I have it covered old lady” as I walked into Lacey’s room, the one she shared with Kinnik and her parents.

“Hey James Nickel Comer” Lacey said looking down from the top bunk of one of the sets of bunk beds.

“I have a present for you! If you accept it you must go to Prom with me” I said with a big smile.

“Well, I guess I’m not going to take it then.”

“Here feel it and if you like how it feels then you can open it” I said tossing up the present. It landed on the bunk and she felt it. I saw her mouth smile a little as her hand felt the rubber rims that were put there for comfort. Her eyes glowed when her fingers traced the Velcro straps.

“Sure I will accept it” She said. “Do you realize this will save my parents $50,000? My Dad thinks he is such a big shot sports and concert promoter, but we don’t even have health insurance and he can’t afford a new back brace for me. I am so grateful James Nickel Comer.”

“Uhuh…so we are going to Prom right?”

“ Definitely” she said.

“Great, I will see you at school tomorrow.”

Soon it was time to go to school it was getting warmer because spring was coming. I put on a short sleeve shirt that my mother knitted for me then got on top of Lucifer and rode off toward school. As I rode to school I thought about the Stone Milled Rye Bread at Panera. I took a detour and stopped by Panera Bread and bought a miche of the stone milled rye. I was in heaven. I also bought a Chai Tea Latte, it tasted really bad so I threw it at the counter clerk and ran out the door with out paying for anything.

When I got to school and saw Asian Bruce in homeroom I told him I had a date for Prom. I could tell he was mad. I was bragging and rubbing it his face watching his pale skin fill with blood turning redder and redder. Then Lacey walked over to us.

“James Nickel Comer I can’t go to Prom” she said then took her seat. I tried to talk to her but the home room teacher told me to sit down and shut up. I just sat at my desk and clenched my fists and stared down at the vinyl composition tile floor. I could feel the tears start to well up in my eyes but I fought them back.

It seemed like forever but homeroom was finally over. Waiting outside my home room door was Randi. She was on crutches from the fall, and, to my sweet surprise, she was also wearing a back brace. My god, how much plastic had gone into building that back brace?

“Hey JNC, I thought up that nick name while I was lying in the hospital. All my boy friends have nick names.”

“I’m sure you have had plenty of boyfriends” I said sarcastically. But, since I once again needed a prom date I sucked it up and asked if I could walk her to class.

“Sure” said Randi. “Since I am injured they gave me the key to the elevator. You can walk me to the elevator and we can take it to the 2nd floor together. Just don’t get fresh on me in the elevator.”

“I don’t think anyone will ever get fresh on you ever. But sure, let’s get to class. By the way, what size is your back brace?”

“It’s a size 2”

“Really? I have size 2 back braces and yours looks more like a 19 or 20”.

“Why on earth do you have back braces?”

“Why on earth wouldn’t I have back braces?”

I dropped Randi off at her class and walked to my Intro to Physical Science class. My teacher was a good guy but had sizeable pot belly. I took my regular seat next to Asian Bruce.

Bruce said, “What was that all about? You and Lacey? First you say you are going to Prom with her then she comes over and says she is not going to Prom”.

“Well, I gave Lacey this nifty gift based on an agreement that she would go to Prom with me. Now she is backing out for some reason. Maybe I should talk to her, but she bores me so.”

“Ya you should talk to her”

“Yes I should or I could go with Randi. I think I will first ask her to a movie. Have you seen the new Germinating Emo movie?”

“Yes its quite good. Its about an emo boy that tries to germinate the emo way of life to others in the community. Sometimes I wish I was emo. Or, maybe that I just had emo hair.”

“I think we both are already emo because you wear eye liner and I wear tight pants. And, we are both whining miserable kids.”

“yes but there is more to being emo then that. I have read so many emo books to try and copy the emo image but some things are too wild for me. Therefore we are not emo.

“What emo things are too wild for you?” I said.

“They are to wild to even speak of” he replied in the voice he uses when he tells scary stories.

Mr. Mothra told everyone to settle down and get together with their lab partners. Today was lab day and we have some sort of experiment to do.

I moved over to my lab station where my partner was already sitting. My partner was Kolby S. Merwin. Kolby has been in the 8th grade for 3 years. He shaves already and should be a junior in high school. Sometimes he drives to school. I wasn’t counting on Kolby to contribute anything to the lab.

“Hey Merwin! What is the G-world like?” I said when I sat down. He looked at me with a puzzling look on his face.

“I’m not gay”

“Your not openly gay” I corrected him. “Go ahead, you can dissect the frog first.” He almost threw up when He heard me say that. He asked Mr. Mothra if he could go to the nurses office and ran down the hall. I watched him run away like an un-athletic girl with her upper body tipped forward.

Soon IPS was over and I decided to go to the nurse to see how Merwin was doing. I walked in an looked around. Merwin was sitting on one of the crappy beds that is really like a blanket on top of a table. I took out the frog’s intestine that I had brought with me and threw it at his head. Splat!, right on the forehead.

“Go away James Nickel Comer” he shouted then threw up into a bucket.

“Is this how you treat your boyfriends brother” I shouted right back.

“Eww I would never go out with you brother” he said in disgust

“So you admit that you would go out with a boy!!! HA!”

I slammed the door to the nurse’s office as I ran out the door. I cackled as I ran to my locker. I opened my locker and looked at my Napolean Dynamite poster on the inside of my locker door. That was the greatest movie in the world. I loved the plot. Kip reminds me of my brother Peirth. Especially when he starts dating a black guy cross dresser.

I just stared at my locker for a whole period until the bell rang for lunch. I went to the Cafeteria and sat at my table waiting for AB. While I was waiting Lacey came over and sat down.

“We need to talk.” She said.

“No thanks” I said getting up and pushing in my chair. I really didn’t want to talk to her after she said she couldn’t go to Prom with me.

“But James Nickol Comer, I want to tell you why I can’t go to Prom with you!” she whispered frantically.

“Why?”

“I hate to say this, but my parents refuse to let me go with a Jew. My parents are very devote and very religious.”, she said.

“Okay whatever I am going with Randi anyway and I like her way better” I said then started to walk away but then I thought of something “isn’t Shapiro a Jewish name?”

“No its not. Many people make the same mistake you just did. It’s Eskimo.”

“But like all the people at my temple have the name Shapiro”

“That is because there was a Jewish missionary that went to the Yukon back in the early 1900s and converted a lot of Eskimos to the Jewish faith. But my family still believes in our ethnic gods – the Seal and the Gnar Whale.”

“Ok I am starting to understand a little. I can kinda see how Shapiro is like Eskimo because of the o at the end and the amount of syllables.”

“Thanks for being so understanding James Nickel Comer. Can we still be friends?”

“If you give me back the back brace we can be.”

“But I---”

“JNC!” shouted Randi crutching over to me “what are you doing with her” she whispered.

I stood there and thought to myself, her voice just reeks of layers and layers of fat.

“Excuse me ladies but I have to leave” I said then ran away because I didn’t want to be around Randi.

Randi turned to Lacey. She took one of her crutches in both hands and swung it at the middle of Lacey’s back while she screamed, “Stay away from my man!”. Lacey went down in an upright kind of pile, held up by her back brace. Lacey swung her foot around knocking the crutches out from under Randi’s fat arms. The crutches fell onto the ground then Randi fell on top of them. The two girls were screaming in pain, wailing on the floor of the cafeteria.

Most of the students at the surrounding tables just laughed. One caring girl, Latisha, called the principal’s office on her cell phone and help was soon there. School was canceled and everyone had to leave so they could deal with the girls and so the counselors could consul traumatized students. No one showed up for the counseling except Lacey and Randi.

That afternoon at home James Nickel Comer thought about what an amazing day it had been. The best part was Lacey and Randi hurting each other in the cafeteria. The second best thing was the sound of the frog intestines hitting Frank’s forehead.

The phone rang.

“hello” I said

“hey James Nickel Comer its AB”

“Hey AB why are you calling?”

“Well we were going to have a party during curling practice to end the season but since school was cancelled there is just not going to be anymore curling season”

“Ahh shucks”

“Yes but it gives you time to work out your body and get it in shape for your spring sport”

“Yes! Unicorn riding”

“That’s why we call our school Unicorn Pride”

“I can’t wait to get back in the saddle” I said.

“Well, as Captain of the U.Riding Team I recommend we work out together and then shower together afterward”.

I hung up quickly without saying goodbye. I couldn’t believe he was voted U.Riding Team Captain too. U. Riding was like my second best sport.

I went downstairs to talk to my Dad. He was in his study reading the Wall Street Journal and smoking his pipe.

“Well, well James Nickel Comer, how are you?”, said Dad.

“Dad, I need to talk. It’s about the U. Riding Team season that is coming up”

“Ahh, I remember when I was on the U. Riding Team. I was Captain I got to wear the rainbow blazer and I had about 100 badges” he said “ I’ll show you if you want kiddo. Are you here to tell me that you’re Captain of the U. Riding team?” My Dad took out his special pipe, his favorite, the one with the U Riding Team logo on it.

“Yes Dad, I was voted Captain of the U Riding team.”

“Isnt that grand! Here son, I want to give you this” he said pushing the U Riding team pipe closer to me very subtlety.

“Dad, I can’t take your favorite pipe. Besides, even though I was voted U Riding team Captain I turned it down. I really want to concentrate on my game.”

“Here take it” he whispered still pushing the pipe to me. He turned his head and looked at his Newspaper and acted like he wasn’t pushing the pipe towards me.

I took the pipe in my hand. I held it up to the natural light streaming through the window. The sun gleamed off the polished cherry wood bowl. Then I peered in side the tube and saw a little glistening speck.

“Father what is this”? I asked. He looked up and winked at me.

“Go away” he said.

Then I turned and left the study. I walked outside and held the pipe up to the sun. It glistened all over, especially the U Riding team insignia, or logo, which was a small ivory Unicorn on the side of the cherry wood bowl. I stood there, examining the pipe, wondering what the glistening speck in the tube was, and what my Dad meant by his wink. Maybe this pipe is the key to the world and all back braces or its key to being captain of the U Riding team.

I went up to my room and called Kolby S. Merwin.

“So how was your throwing up, Merwin?” I said.

“Why are you calling me?” Merwin asked.

“I just thought I should call to apologize about you having my brother as your sucky boyfriend” I cackled into the phone. Then I asked, “What do you know about the rare U Riding Team captain pipe?”

“The rare U Riding Team pipe is very sacred and who ever holds the pipe can show it to the captain and become the new captain and no one is allowed to protest”.

“Merwin, why are you the expert on U Riding Team things anyway?”

Merwin replied, “ I am a triple legacy. My great grandfather, my grandfather, and my father were all captains of the U Riding Team. I am just a horrible athlete, so I did not go out for the team, but I know all the deep dark secrets and all the history. U Riding is also the reason I am held back every year, My father won’t let me go on to high school until I am middle school U Riding team captain.”

I couldn’t believe my good luck. Why had I called Merwin to begin with? I couldn’t even remember. I asked, “What is the glistening speck that I can see inside the pipe?”

“I don’t know” he said “Why do you want to know about all this anyway?”

“No reason.”, and I quickly hung up the phone. I decided to go over to Asian Bruce’s house and use the power of the pipe!

I rode Lucifer over to his house and knocked on the door. AB opened the door.

“I summon the power of the pipe!” I screamed very loudly.

“what are you talking about?”

“I’m capitain haha” I laughed as I waved the pipe in his face.

“Is that the sacred U Riding Team pipe?” whispered Asian Bruce.

I cackled as I ran away from his house waving the pipe over my head. As I ran I chanted, “Sacred Pipe! Sacred Pipe! Sacred Pipe!”

I was running as best I could when I heard a limp behind me. I turned around and saw Lacey wearing her back brace that she owed me on account that we are still friends.

“Give me the back brace back or I am never talking to you again” While she replied I kept chanting, “Sacred Pipe! Sacred Pipe! Sacred Pipe! What did you say, I couldn’t hear you over my chanting?”

“I said that I need this back brace or my parents will have to pay $50,000. Do you really want them to pay that much?”

“Give it back you thief you stole that from me and you stole yourself from me and now I have to take fat Randi to Prom! EEEAAA” I said making a claw with my index finger.

“I’ll never give this back brace back. It has the same serial number as the one I used to have, and it looks just like the one I used to have. I just can’t understand how I lost mine and you got this one. It’s just too fishy.”

“It just so happens that I collect back braces so I had this one left over” I said looking at my white keds.

I turned and ran away. Seve