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Long Live Freedom ~Revision

by CarolineNaveen


Script

(Warsaw concentration camp, where WILLI and HANS are stationed. Siren and fighting sounds are heard. A little girl runs across the stage with a doll. She trips, falls, and starts to get up, only to bump into HANS.)

LUCAS (offstage): (Giving orders in German)

(HANS grabs the girls arm forcefully and pulls out a knife holding it to her throat. She tries to scream, but WILLI puts a hand over her mouth.)

HANS (whisper): Don’t be afraid of me. I promise I won’t hurt you.

(LUCAS rushes in.)

What’s going on Lucas?

LUCAS: They’re resisting the transport to Treblinka! Let me have the girl.

HANS: I can get rid of her. You have bigger things to worry about.

LUCAS: Fine.

(LUCAS exits.)

HANS (getting down to one knee): Are you alright? (She nods) Don’t worry; we’ll get you out of here.

(WILLI enters.)

WILLI: HANS!

HANS: Over here!

WILLI: Thank god you’re alright! Someone smuggled weapons into the ghetto. It’s ugly out there.

LUCAS (offstage): HANS!

HANS: Willi can you-

WILLI: Where to?

HANS: The church. Irena will meet you there. (To the girl) Willi here is going to take you to a friend of mine. She will help you find a home with a polish family, outside of Warsaw until the war is over.

LUCAS (offstage): Hans!!!

HANS (to WILLI): Go now. (Calling off) Coming!

EXPLOSION & BLACKOUT

PROJECTION: Slideshow with archival video and pictures of White Rose members.

SOPHIE (Offstage): Hitler’s power was said to be extraordinarily dependent on the sympathy of the population. A reversal of feeling among the people would be a weapon of considerable force against him, one which would threaten even his own self-confidence.

HANS (Offstage): For this reason, some friends and I started using the information we knew from being in the axis military against Hitler himself. Our leaflets were one of the greatest political "crimes" against the Nazi Party, an act of rebellion that would outlive the Nazi’s, the war, and even us.

SOPHIE (Offstage): Together.

WILLI (Offstage): We are

HANS (Offstage): The White Rose,

CHISTOPH (Offstage): and this

ALEX (Offstage): is our story….

LIGHTS UP

PROJECTION: 2 years earlier

(SOPHIE and HANS enter.)

SOPHIE: I can’t believe that speaker’s nerve! (Mimicking the speaker.) Ladies,if you want to be of use to the Fuhrer drop out of school and be a housewife. Can you believe that?

HANS: Sophie, if you keep walking out of these speeches people are going to suspect-

SOPHIE: I wasn’t the only one. You walked out too. I’m tired of being a piece in the Nazi’s game. In fact, the whole bloody regime infuriates me! (Louder) We can’t just sit here and let them get away with this!

HANS (Quiet hiss, pulling her out of earshot): Shhhh! Sophie I agree with you, but you can’t take on the whole socialist movement, the Gestapo, and Hitler by yourself. We have to just play along and bide our time.

(ALEX and CHRISTOPH cross to HANS and SOPHIE as they start to exit.)

CHRISTOPH (calling): Hans! Sophie! Where are you going?

SOPHIE: I thought we’d go ahead and get to Mr. Huber’s class.

ALEX (joining them): Why? Aren’t you supposed to be in-

SOPHIE (whisper): I had to get out of there. That man-

CHRISTOPH (holding up a hand to stop her): Enough said.

ALEX: What I don’t understand is why we are all sitting back and doing nothing. We know what’s going on, but we’re not doing anything about it!

CHRISTOPH: If we did, it wouldn’t change anything, and I’m not about to get thrown in jail if it doesn’t make any difference.

ALEX: I would rather get arrested, then have to answer for not doing anything.

CHIRSTOPH: It’s different for you.

ALEX: No it’s not.

CHRISTOPH: If I went to jail who would look after my family? I have a wife and three kids to think about.

ALEX: Hitler has to be stopped!

CHRISTOPH: And you can’t stop him without an army.

ALEX: He’s brainwashing everyone! If you had the support of the people-

CHRISTOPH: Which you don’t.

ALEX (not paying attention to Christoph): If people could just stop living in fear of the Gestapo every second of every day, we might be able to do something!

(SOPHIE, CHRISTOPH, ALEX exit. HANS starts to follow and then turns back.)

HANS: Alex and Christoph were both right. This injustice had to be stopped, but at what cost? Without the support of the people nothing could be done. As I was reflecting on works from some of my favorite authors, I thought about how often the power of ink has been under estimated.

(Back in the present, thinking aloud.)

Writing has changed the world over and over again. That’s what we need to do, change the world…. We need a leaflet of resistance, a paper to encourage people to stand together, to fight back.

(Run and grab a piece of paper and begin writing.)

(Excited) Every good writer writes from the heart and for me- (writing) for me there is but one slogan: fight against the party which holds us in political bondage.We want genuine learning, and real freedom of opinion. This is a struggle for our future, our freedom, and our honor.

(HANS continues to work as ALEX enters.)

ALEX (reading): In the name of German youth, we demand that Adolf Hitler restore our personal freedom. The most precious treasure we have which he has cheated us of in the most miserable way…. (Trailing off, seeing HANS.) Did you read this? Our social studies class was passing it around.

HANS (aside, continuing to work): They’re all over the campus.

(ALEX is still absorbed in the paper.)

ALEX: Listen to this: It's high time we made up their minds to do something. What are we going to show in the way of resistance? When this terror is over we will have no answer when we are asked: What did you do about it?

(Frustrated HANS crumples up a piece of paper in his hands, and tosses it.)

What’s wrong?

HANS (shaking his head, tired): Nothing.

ALEX (picking up the crumpled paper): I’m your best friend, and it’s obviously something.

HANS: You have to promise not to say anything.

ALEX: Deal.

HANS: I can’t seem to get it right, and I need a faster way to make copies. (HANS gestures to the crumpled paper.) My typewriter is to easily traced, and it takes forever.

ALEX (unfolding the paper): You wrote this? But that means that you wrote- (the other one too.)

HANS: Ja.

ALEX: I had no idea you could write like that….Wait a minute! There is an old printing press that Mr. Huber, uses sometimes to make copies for his lessons. You know how he feels about the Furher’s policies. He might let you-

HANS: That’s pretty risky…. Are you sure?

(SOPHIE enters.)

SOPHIE: Sure about what?

ALEX: Nothing.

(ALEX tries to get rid of the paper in his hand, but SOPHIE is too fast for him.)

SOPHIE: I knew it! Anna passed me one of these fliers in philosophy earlier. (Laugh) “A great read by an anonymous author,” she said! I know my brother’s writing when I see it. It’s a miracle you don’t have any misspellings in the paper. (To ALEX) He’s a great writer but his spelling; it leaves something to be desired.

(HANS takes the paper from SOPHIE.)

HANS: Now wait just a minute Sophie!

SOPHIE: What? I want in!

ALEX: Sophie this-

HANS: It’s against the law.

SOPHIE: You think I don’t know that? Look somebody had to start something.

HANS: I still don’t want you getting involved. It’s too dangerous.

SOPHIE: Listen, what you wrote and said conveys a lot of other people’s opinions. They just don't dare express themselves like you do. It’s making a difference Hans, and I want to help! (HANS face clearly says no and he starts to say no. SOPHIE turns to ALEX.) Alexander?

ALEX: I don’t see why not.

HANS: Alex! (Groan.) Oh, alright.

SOPHIE: Good.First things first, we need to come up with a name for ourselves. You can’t keep signing these papers anonymous. We need a name…a symbol….something people will remember. (SOPHIE sees a white rose somewhere on the set. Thinking.) White Rose. That’s it!If you think about it we resemble a white rose in the night, since we stand for purity in a time of darkness. It’s perfect!

HANS (catching on): Like a white rose…..I like it. That’s what we should call ourselves: The White Rose.

SOPHIE: We continued to write and distribute the leaflets until the summer of 1942, when the Alex, Hans and Willi were drafted into the Axis military. (HANS holds his dog tags, the little girl appears looking at him possible fighting sounds in the background.) They never spoke about what happened in Poland, but you could tell in their eyes that they were haunted by it. Warsaw, Poland changed them forever.

(Little girl leaves, a meeting between The White Rose members, SOPHIE folds the last leaflet and puts it in a stack.)

SOPHIE: That’s the last one, our 100th copy of: “An appeal to all Germans.”

CHRISTOPH: That’s the most we’ve ever printed.

WILLI: I still don’t feel like that’s enough. We have to stop this now before-

HANS: I wish we could.

SOPHIE: You’re doing the best you can Hans.

HANS (abrupt): Our best isn’t good enough Sophie! There has to be something else we can do.

(Knock on the door. SOPHIE looks offstage as the others continue talking.)

ALEX: Hans it’s Lucas!

WILLI: What is he doing here?

ALEX: I don’t know, but he’s here.

WILLI: I thought he was transferred to Berlin with- (realizing, sharing a quick moment with Hans) Oh no.

HANS: They’re onto us. Quick everyone! Hide the papers, and grab your books.

(Everyone scampers around quickly, hiding the papers, and grabbing their study books. SOPHIE let’s LUCAS inside, glancing nervously over her shoulder, it needs to be very clear that LUCAS is a GESTAPO member.)

SOPHIE: Lucas, what a pleasant surprise! I haven’t seen you in forever. Please come in.

LUCAS: I can’t stay Sophie, I’m here on business. There has been some criminal activity going on inside the campus. A group of students that call themselves “The White Rose” have been openly rebelling against the Furher himself. (Pause) I thought I’d stop by to see if you had noticed anything suspicious that might give us a lead.

HANS: We will be sure to notify you immediately, if we find anything.

LUCAS: Thank you. (To Everyone) Hail Hitler.

ALL: Hail Hitler.

(LUCAS exits)

SOPHIE: Hans do you think-

HANS: No. Come on. Let’s get this place cleaned up before he comes back.

(They clean, and as they do they pick up some papers off the set and read them.)

CHRISTOPH: We emphatically point out, that The White Rose is not in the pay of any foreign power. Although we know that the National Socialists must be broken by military means. We seek the revival of the deeply wounded German spirit.

WILLI: Isn’t it true? That every honest German is ashamed of his government these days? Who among us has any idea the shame that will befall us and our children? When one day the veil falls from our eyes and the most horrible of crimes….crimes that infinitely outdistance every human measure reach the light of day?

ALEX: Since the conquest of Poland, 3,000 Jews have been murdered in this country. For the sake of future generations, an example must be set after the war, so that no one will ever have the slightest desire to try anything like this ever again.

SOPHIE: The war is approaching its destined end. It has become a mathematical certainty, that Hitler cannot win the war. He can only prolong it. But what are the German people doing? They will not see, and will not listen. Victory at any price! Is inscribed on their banner, "I will fight to the last man," says Hitler. But in the meantime the war has already been lost.

(HANS turns and speaks to all those onstage rallying them until he has their undivided attention.)

HANS: Germans! Do you and your children want to suffer the same fate that befell the Jews? Are we to be forever a nation which is hated, and rejected by all mankind? No. A new war of liberation is about to begin. Do not believe the National Socialist propaganda which has driven fear into your bones. A criminal regime cannot achieve a German victory!

Freedom of speech, freedom of religion, the protection of individual citizens from the will of

a criminal dictator, these will be the bases of the New Europe.

We are the White Rose, and we will not leave you in peace! Support the resistance before it is too late.

BLACKOUT

(It’s nighttime and HANS and SOPHIE appear with a stack of papers which HANS begins packing in a suitcase. SOPHIE lights a candle and sets it on the table.)

SOPHIE: Hans?

HANS: What?

SOPHIE: Willi and Christoph were talking to me earlier about- (Knock on the door.) It’s 1 o’clock in the morning. Who could-

HANS (looking offstage): He’s back.

SOPHIE: Who?

HANS: Lucas and his Gestapo friends.

(HANS begins moving faster and takes the suitcase offstage, as SOPHIE picks up the loose pages on the desk.)

SOPHIE (noticing LUCAS): I thought they left for headquarters yesterday.

HANS: Apparently not.

(Second Knock on the Door.)

SOPHIE: What should we do?

HANS: Answer the door of course.

SOPHIE: But-

HANS: He doesn’t know anything’s wrong. For all he knows we’re still as loyal to the Furher as ever.

SOPHIE: But-

HANS: Just go get the door. I’ve got the papers.

(SOPHIE answers the door and LUCAS brushes past her and into the room, as HANS starts to exit with the last of the papers.)

LUCAS: I noticed your light was still on. You realize curfew was two hours ago right? What are you still doing up?

SOPHIE (To HANS, glaring):I don’t know. That is an excellent question.

HANS: Sophie was just helping me with a homework assignment for tomorrow.

(HANS drops a paper on the ground as he exits and LUCAS picks it up.)

LUCAS: Here you- (dropped something).

(LUCAS glances at the paper and his face changes. SOPHIE snatches it away.)

SOPHIE: Thanks.

LUCAS: What was that?

SOPHIE: Nothing, just homework.

LUCAS: Let me see it.

SOPHIE: Why? I told you it’s just- (homework)

(LUCAS grabs her hand with the paper threateningly)

LUCAS (tightening his grip): Give it to me Sophie.

SOPHIE: I told you, it’s homework. I shouldn’t have to- (prove it.)

LUCAS: You’re lying.

SOPHIE: Stop it! You’re hurting me!

HANS (re-entering): Let my sister go Lucas!

LUCAS (threatening): What does that paper say?

SOPHIE: It says- (LUCAS pulls her arm further behind her back.) Ouch!

HANS: I said let her go!

(They fight.)

LUCAS: Traitor! I can’t believe I trusted you!

HANS: What are you talking about?

LUCAS: Don’t act so innocent! You know perfectly well what I’m talking about. The White Rose Papers, you’re writing them. The janitor saw you and Sophie. I didn’t believe him, but it all makes sense now.

HANS: Lucas, think about what you’re doing.

LUCAS: Like you did? You didn’t seem to think twice before you went and put everything on the line! All those times when you weren’t there…You betrayed me!

(LUCAS releases SOPHIE. HANS puts himself between them. HANS and LUCAS continue to fight.)

SOPHIE: Stop it!

LUCAS: I thought I could count on you. I actually thought you were my friend.

HANS: I am your friend!

LUCAS (Hitting HANS in the jaw.): Shut up!

HANS: Lucas-

LUCAS: This whole time you were laughing at me, lying to me!

HANS: I-

LUCAS: Guards!

(GESTAPO enter and start to take SOPHIE and HANS away.)

SOPHIE: Lucas, you can’t!

LUCAS: You will both pay for what you did.

SOPHIE (struggling): Please, you don’t want to do this! We’re still your friends we -

HANS (calmly/measured): Let it go Sophie. We have made our choice, and Lucas has made his. Es lebe die Freiheit.

SOPHIE: Es lebe die Freiheit. Long live freedom…

(SOPHIE and HANS are walked downstage as if to their execution as LUCAS watches. Freeze.)

LUCAS: The following days led the execution of: Willi Graf, Alexander Schmorell, Christoph Probst, Hans Scholl, and Sophie Scholl. But it was not the end. After the arrests of the original White Rose, a group of chemistry students at the University of Munich took up their cause. Armed with a typewriter, they copied out hundreds of the leaflets and continued distributing them. Soon a copy of the sixth leaflet was smuggled into England, where the British air force dumped plane loads of copies on Germany.

HANS: The real damage is always done by those millions who want to 'survive,' the honest men who just want to be left in peace, those who don’t like to make waves—or enemies, and those who live small, and die small. Because if you keep it small, you’ll keep it under control, if you don’t make any noise, then death won’t find you.

SOPHIE: But it’s all an illusion, because they die too. Those people who roll up their spirits into tiny little balls so as to be safe. Safe! From what? Life is always on the edge of death. Narrow streets lead to the same place as wide avenues; and a little candle burns itself out just like a flaming torch does. I have chosen my own way to burn. Have you chosen yours?

BLACKOUT


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34 Reviews


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Tue Dec 03, 2013 5:25 am
Ossum says...



Oi...thats some tough stuff right there. I just wanted to say it was an awesome piece and that you should be proud of it. Take what advise the others have given as well, but keep going with it!






Thanks, and I appreciate the review. I've started passing it out at our state theatre and they became very interested, so I'm now working with a published playwright to transition it into a full length production. Will post the full length to this site sometime lol. :)



Ossum says...


That...would be ossum ^-^



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Fri Sep 20, 2013 6:46 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



I have nothing to add to what the other reviewers have said--they covered the awkward dialogue, the too-fast pacing toward the end when Hans and Sophie are arrested, and the incorrect punctuation.

My suggestion about punctuation would be: Save that for last. (Your punctuation isn't so horrible that it's distracting from the story. If it was, I'd say fix it first.) Once everything else is exactly how you want it, have someone who is really good at punctuation--I would be willing to do this, if you like--go through and correct for punctuation ONLY. It's a quick and easy fix that doesn't change whole lines or plot or characterization, which is why I'd leave it for last. Plus, that way, your Grammar Nazi (no pun intended) won't be distracted by other problems, such as the awkward dialogue, because you will have already fixed it.

Anyway, I know that's not much help, but I did just want to let you know that I had, in fact, read this; I just have very little to add that hasn't already been said.

Blue

P.S. Thanks for writing this--I definitely never learned about this group while discussing the Holocaust in history classes, and I always appreciate learning new things.






That would be ablsolutely amazing if you could help me punctuate this, I keep getting that review from a lot of people! Also, these reviews were a few months ago and I've edited quite a lot since then. So I'm assuming what they said is still relevant and needs to be corrected, which is extremely helpful information. If you would be willing to help me with the punctuation I can send you a .doc copy of this script to make it easier if you would like. Just let me know! Thanks so much for reading it! :) If you know of anyone else who might be interviewing this piece I would really appreciate it. I would love for it to be as great as possible.



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Sun Jul 07, 2013 8:23 pm
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Sapi wrote a review...



Hey there! Sorry it took so long for me to get it together, I've been busy the past week.

I think you did a very good job in revising this! I can tell you took into account everything that people said about the first draft and edited accordingly. It's even more powerful than it was before, I think because you kept the passionate and sophisticated pieces from the first draft and improved on the other parts. I also didn't notice any typos or small mistakes in this this time around, so great job!

Some specific things:

Except for HANS, he speaks while everyone else is frozen.)

SOPHIE: Hitler???s power was said to be extraordinarily dependent on the sympathy of the population. A reversal of feeling among the people would be a weapon of considerable force against him, one which would threaten even his own self-confidence.


I like the way you changed the opening. You totally reformed the awkward, stiff introduction and made good use of Sophie as well to make an appealing hook for readers. One small detail- Since Sophie AND Hans start speaking at the beginning, change the stage direction line to 'Except for SOPHIE and HANS; they speak while everyone else is frozen.)'

Good. We shall resemble a white rose in the night, because we stand for purity in a time of darkness.


I'm afraid the revision on this line did not make the awkwardness of the line any better, only made it a different kind of awkward, if you see what I mean. Instead of being offhand, Sophie says it in a way that makes it sound final and instantaneous, like instead of having a thoughtful mood like it should, it sounds almost like she's giving an official order or something. So I would say, just in this one line, make it a completely different mood altogether. Make it thoughtful, deep but lighthearted, not instantaneous but developed...see where I'm going? Anyways that's one of the only lines that stuck out at me. It doesn't flow right with the rest of the piece.

Come on. Let’s get this place cleaned up before he comes back. (They clean, ALEX and CHRISTOPH exit. SOPHIE and HANS start folding pamphlets.)


This whole scene, the final scene where Lucas comes back to arrest them, seems a bit muddled timeline-wise. They obviously want to make sure there's no evidence when he comes back, hence the "Let's get this place cleaned up". However, then they start folding pamphlets again? This doesn't really make a lot of sense. Besides, how would Lucas get more evidence against them so quickly and easily? The whole flow doesn't make sense a lot in my head.

What I might do is have them clean up completely, maybe even leave the room and come back the next day, and have the arrest scene take place a day later, when they haven't had time to clean up beforhand and therefore they leave out that one stack of papers. (Unless, of course, that is known to be completely historically incorrect). It just seems a bit rushed, to all happen in the same afternoon / day, even hour.

I agree with Black, there are still a few lines here and there that sound pretty darn awkward. No one would say that in the real world, I pointed out the white rose line, and there are a couple places like it. Not much, in fact they are barely noticeable, buuut they do stick out at you. Overall though, the whole flow of the dialogue, I think, has imrpoved tons from the first draft! There are no long, awkward lines, only short little pieces. No big sections that are unrealistic. Only tiny refinements left to go!

Great job Caroline, feel free to PM me if you would like another review on anything and I will certainly tell you if I would like one of yours! :)
Happy writing,

~Sapi




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Sun Jul 07, 2013 4:42 pm
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StoneHeart wrote a review...



Hey Caroline! Black here for your requested review! (Sorry this took so long, this is a big piece and I needed to do a good job!).

Okay, so first off: You have improved this piece. A LOT! Your formatting is now finally perfect (though there is one particular glitch I'll be covering for you), your grammar is VERY nice, your spelling is pretty much 100% exquisite, and your flow is really good now. Not jerky, not jumpy. Good. Flowing. You present your story without unnecessary flamboyancy and detail, but with enough add-in’s to make things nice and interesting.

Your problems are (at least the one's I'll be concentrating on), in your punctuation, a spot in your formatting, and your dialogue (technically speaking most all of this is dialogue, but anyway). Something I want to warn you about though, before I get going: Don't take all of my advice. You have to remember, every different writer has his or her own style, and sometimes just taking all advice that's offered will dilute your style... and that's never a good thing. Ever. Be careful to keep an eye on what you want and what they want!

So here goes with your formatting problem. Your problem here is very simple: In this version of the script you have your main character's (Sophie and Hans) be telling the story from some time in the future. They are, presumably, older, and are recounting their child-hood/ young adult-hood experiences. Now that's a great feature, it helps explain things a LOT, but the problem is that you give us poor confused readers no warning of when you're switching persons! Look at this:

(SOPHIE, CHRISTOPH, ALEX exit. HANS starts to follow and then turns back.)
HANS: Alex and Christoph were both right. This injustice had to be stopped, but without the support of the people nothing could be done. Could there? As I was reflecting on works from some of my favorite authors, I thought about how often the power of ink has under estimated. Writing had changed the world over and over again. That’s what we need to do, change the world….we need a leaflet of resistance to encourage people to stand together, to fight back!
(Run and grab a piece of paper and begin writing.


Now there's no warning as to what's going on here. He pauses (that suggests that there's something more to say), and then you presumably flip to the future Hans telling the story (no person would say what he said, and if they would (for the sake of it) they wouldn't use these words. You need to give us more of a warning. A line break. A something. I hope my point is made. Also, a four-period ellipse such as the one you use here should always be followed by a capital letter (seeing as it causes the same thing as a period, only with a trail-off) -but I don't think you want a four-period one here anyway. A three would work better for your purposes. (Oh, yeah, warning #2 , you don't switch out of the 'forward in time' part very well either -watch that! It's unacceptably confusing as is!).

Now for your dialogue problem. Now really, technically speaking (from what little I know about scripts), scripts are pretty much all dialogue. That's really all there is to them. They might be backed up by some more developed scene (maybe presented in some way), but most of the descriptions, thoughts, feelings, and words are conveyed in dialogue.

Now, yeah, I know that's pretty much the only way you can really do things. But there is a problem with it. Your dialogue starts getting unrealistic. You start having your character's say things that NO person would say. You need to watch that carefully, otherwise you'll not be convincing your reader's that your character's are real people. Put YOURSELF in your character's positions. What would you say? What would you do? I'm just tossing this in as a note, seeing as I know virtually nothing of script writing. Do what works for YOU!

Okay, that's enough for that part of the review. Now to move on to your BIGGEST problem. Punctuation. Your problem here is simple: You're misusing your comma's, periods, and other punctuation marks in ways that simply won't fly. Now, something that really helps me a lot when I'm trying to iron out problems with my punctuation: I read my writing out loud, using punctuation properly (and having a particular approach in mind).

If you can, read this this review aloud right now. My approach is to sound like I'm actually talking to you, in person. A comma denotes a short pause, a period marks the end of a sentence. You don't just go, and go, and go and go and go without punctuation or you mess up really badly remember to use your punctuation properly when reading aloud. Comma's= Short pauses. Periods= End of sentence pauses. Ellipses mark trail offs. Colon's mark the conclusion of some given information or idea (EX> The door was jammed by fallen rubble, the windows where locked shut, and even the roof and floor were too tough to break through: There was no way out). Semi-colon's mark a sentence inside of a sentence that can stand as itself (EX>Charles nodded to Jason, he was the one; he was the one who would find the way!).

Here're a few examples of area's where you misuse your punctuation.

LUCAS: There has been some criminal activity going on inside the campus, in the form of leaflets and graffiti, a group that calls themselves; The White Rose.


The semi-colon is completely misused. If you must use a mark there at all (you don't need one) then you'd use a colon, signifying that he's putting a LOT of emphasis on this finale.

HANS: The real damage is always done by those millions who want to 'survive,' the honest men who just want to be left in peace, those who don’t like to make waves—or enemies, and those who live small, and die small. Because if you keep it small, you’ll keep it under control, if you don’t make any noise, then death won’t find you.


I'd like you to turn an eye to the last sentence of this paragraph. Your comma should be a 'then' (no need to pause -remember to READ IT ALOUD to yourself). That second comma should be a period not a comma (full stop would be better here -try it). The third comma should not be there at all. Also, this is a very formal sentence, using 'will not' instead of 'won't' would be much more appropriate.

HANS: Germans! Do you and your children want to suffer the same fate that befell the Jews? Are we to be forever a nation, which is hated, and rejected, by all mankind? No. A new war of liberation is about to begin. Do not believe the National Socialist propaganda, which has driven fear into your bones. A criminal regime cannot achieve a German victory!
Freedom of speech, freedom of religion, the protection of individual citizens from the will of XXX
a criminal dictator, these will be the bases of the New Europe.


Read this to yourself. Aloud. ALL of the comma's in the third sentence (about the nation which is hated) should not even be there. You have to remember to use their pauses properly. Read it like this: Are we to be forever a nation which is hated and rejected by all mankind? Remember those spaces . . . and you'll see what I mean.

Also, an exclamation point (think of it as a sort of yell signifier) should come after the 'No' (in replace of the period). Also, why on earth is there an ENTER after the 'the will of' there . . . that's messy and it should be there. It cuts that sentence right in two.

Anyway, I hope my point on your punctuation came through, I don't feel like it did. That's going to have to be enough for this review (p.s. I really loved that final paragraph by Sophie). I really did enjoy this piece, and if it ever get's done out then send me a recording! You really did a nice job on it! Nice flow. Nice style. And great plot (and theme)! Just remember – Keep writing: YOU WILL IMPROVE! I guarantee it!

P.s. If you wanna be really nice then rate this review on a scale of one to twenty and tell me what you thought of it. If you want to follow up on it or get another then PM and look up my Will Review for Food thread! Good luck!


~Black~





Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity.
— Charles Mingus