When I Was Anna (Ch. 1)

Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

Ooh, this was such a fun first chapter! I did orchestra a lot in middle school, and all the talk of chairs and auditions really brought me back. I feel like there aren't normally a lot of stories about people in marching band, so this one was very refreshing! I feel like marching band kids are kind of overlooked, even though it's a lot of work to move and play at the same time. I feel like you really brought justice to the whole experience (despite my limited knowledge.)

One thing I enjoyed about this was how structured this was. I can already see the beginnings of a plot: we've got a conflict between Micah and Summer (and rivals to lovers was mentioned in the little overview... mmm I like where this is headed). You also include some crucial details about Summer's character, like her anxiety (which is so relatable) and her wig. It was a very solid exposition, and you've left me wanting to read more!!

I also really love Summer's narrating voice. It's so engaging, and it's part of what makes the story really great, in my opinion.

Specifics

“I bet he makes us do one more run-through.” Micah muttered behind me, loud enough that only I could hear.

“One last reminder, our marching band season has just started, but it’s never too early to start looking ahead to the concert band season.

I gripped the edge of the drum to take some of the weight off my shoulders and found Bryn, who’s vision was almost entirely obstructed by the bass drum in front of her.

Days like today, I was thankful for my synthetic wig and it’s ability to stay perfectly in place despite my sweat level. No one knew about my wig, not even my friends, and I planned to keep it that way.

Hi Carlito,

Mailice here with a short review.

Where do we start with the review? I have made some notes and they are criss-crossed through the vegetable garden (this expression sounds strange in English. ), so I don't have an overview anymore. Let's go through step by step.

Overall, I'm a big fan of this chapter. Even without the possibly necessary previous experience of your "Carlito is Noveling" (which I will definitely still look at) I found it a very good and expanded chapter. Especially this great calmness that spread there, without action, but with realism and personality, I liked very much there.

I also didn't really mind not having a voice experience, because you are faced with a beginning and through the chapter you are accompanied by the different characters and thus gain experience and can form a first picture based on their actions and experiences. I thought it was a great introduction because it came across as flowing and realistic. So to speak, your circle of acquaintances expanded and you got to know the relationships, like at a kind of party where you go deeper into the fray.

In itself it was a very good chapter, firstly because of this relaxed pace and because you still learn something new quickly. You get to know Summer and her interactions and the band, a motif is built up from the first few minutes and that builds to a good climax towards the end. You've really put in the key points to make a good first chapter a terrific first chapter.

So let's move on to the main protagonist, Summer. At first glance, it seems like she is very deliberate and thoughtful about what to talk about and to whom, perhaps out of some kind of fear that those words will turn around and cause her trouble at some point. She also speaks less, she thinks. I think that's a very good insight you get; some characters often lack that. Here you can clearly see that she thinks more than she speaks. Probably also in order not to put herself under direct pressure, as is mentioned in one paragraph.

I also read that she has a sister called May and does yoga with Adriene?
What excited me most about Summer was that you made a description for her that is visually very good for the reader to imagine. This "ball of anxiety" shows that a person is not always just anxious, but that it always depends on the situation and what the "head" has to say. In any case, it was something I was very happy to see in Summer's depth in the first chapter. It also makes her very likeable and alive. I especially like how there's a kind of determination towards the end, where it becomes obvious that Summer is now taking her goal into her own hands - also an indirect sign that she's happy to accept everything as it comes, and maybe doesn't like change so much, although it can be helpful.

Above all, I also find the synergies of the individual characters fitting. It's like a mixture of different views working more or less towards a common goal. I don't have much experience when it comes to bands or even musical instruments (Is mayonnaise an instrument? ) I still liked that (despite the high number) of characters (of course I don't know how many of them will still be very important, like Mr. Murphy, who I think of more as an NPC) you could distinguish them well. The info was always great relayed, again, the example at the party; you learn that Bryn and Jamie are dating and that was relayed through the dialogue; very great. Katya and Camilla I always see in a sort of double act, where Camilla is probably the one who is more exhausting. Micah is one of those characters where I'm not quite sure where to place him yet. Is he more of a friendly rival, or can there already be escalations? In any case, hats off to this diversity of characters. They work towards a common goal and yet conflicts can arise, good psychological development.

I also like the dialogues very much. They are realistic and by inserting certain "To say" synonyms you can get even more depth of the individual characters.

However, there are two (or rather one) things I didn't like so much: At the beginning you gave good descriptions and increasingly, as the conversation shifted, these went down and there was a kind of empty space where I didn't really know where Summer and co. were anymore. Were.

The (second) thing is that I'm still missing a visual image of the characters; but there again I assume you'll find it in your "Carlito is Noveling".

In summary, it was a strong introductory chapter. It is also a pity that you only want to publish this one, but your offer is very practical; and would gladly accept it to read it further. For it was a very nice chapter and like how it all unfolds and I am currently speculating how it will continue and what confessions, tragedies and dramas will occur.

Other points that caught my eye:

The snare drums were configured in a diagonal line for our ending formation, with the tenor and bass drums in two horizontal lines beside us.

How dare he try and distract me.

I kept my chin high and my back straight and tall, the perfect vision of what a future drumline section leader should look like.

How dare he

1. our chair placement for concert band season (immediately following marching band season).
2. the recommendation of current section leader Taylor.
3. Mr. Murphy's choice (if a tie-breaker was needed).

Don't forget, no after school rehearsal on the first day, but after that we will be starting up our regular after school practice schedule."

Other sections relaxed their posture or started inching towards their water bottles stashed away in the shade a few yards off the front sideline, but I stayed perfectly still and stood tall

A snare drum strapped to the front of my body wasn't exactly conducive to sprinting

Because whenever I did, the ball of anxiety that usually lived in my stomach started bouncing.

"I beat him once. I can do it again, right? And... I don't know. Is this dumb? I think I want to go for section leader next year?"

Because if people knew I wanted it, then people would have opinions about me wanting it, opinions about whether Micah or I would be the better choice, opinions about my playing ability and my leadership skills, and the ball of anxiety that lived in my stomach would bounce on up to my brain and sabotage me.

Kayta had

the sea of bodies

and tucked a piece of hair that escaped my ponytail behind my ear.

Days like today, I was thankful for my synthetic wig and it's ability to stay perfectly in place despite my sweat level

Camilla lamented.

on each chair for each instrument in concert band and a stack of audition materials were arranged on each chair for the taking.

I'll be back tomorrow with a review, I'm a bit too tired now. But this reads just wonderful. It has such a strange, beautiful aura. xD