“Have you awakened your vale yet?” Evaline asked, tilting her head.
“I think so,” Mel said. “At least that’s what everyone tells me.”
Evaline seemed to perk up excitedly with brightened eyes. “Really? I’m the only one in the group who’s awakened it, so we can go to seminars together now.”
“Wait,” Mel said quickly, scrunching her brows in thought. She looked back at the boys, but they were bickering about why Len was even the group leader. “Does everyone here have vale?”
Evaline gave her a funny look and even laughed thinking she was joking, then stopped when she realized Mel was asking a serious question. “Do you really not know?”
Mel shook her head then looked around. “I wasn’t told much. Honestly, I’m wondering if any of this is real right now because…are we underground?”
Evaline laughed again, this time out of sincerity. “Well, to answer your first question— yes, everyone here will have or already has vale, because…well, we’re valen. It’s a part of who we are. It’s in our DNA. And to answer your second question, everything is—”
“Did you say your vale awakened?” Alistair interrupted. “Can we see it? Or is it like Evaline’s where we can’t even prove it exists?”
“It’s rude to interrupt,” Evaline mumbled, silently glaring daggers at Alistair, who seemed to dodge them because he was excitedly looking at Mel. At this point, the boys had stopped bickering about whatever random subject came to mind, and all eyes were glued to her.
“I can show you,” Mel said, looking up at the setting sun. She remembered looking into the hot, real sweltering sun and feeling her eyes burning from the light. Strangely, she could look at this sun all she wanted, and her eyes didn’t feel any different.
I really need to ask them about this, she thought to herself, then looked away and concentrated on the air surrounding Alistair. White, she thought. White sun. White clouds. White flowers. Mel closed her eyes and imagined the days in Sector 4 when she looked up at the sky littered with clouds, and having to shade her face as the the bright sun peered through them. She remembered running barefoot on the dry dirt to scoop up small white flowers into clay pots that she fired herself, then bringing these prized possessions back to her cot to water everyday and watch it grow large enough so she could string them into a laurel.
“Whoa!” Alistiar said, triggering Mel to open her eyes again. The air around Alistair turned a pale white hue, matching the collared shirt he wore under his unzipped sweater. It was as if fog rolled into the area, covering Alistair’s torso with its thick blanket.
“That’s your vale?!” Len blurted out, interrupting Mel’s concentration and causing the light to go back to its natural colors. “It’s so cool! Better than Evaline’s, anyways.”
“At least I have a vale,” Evaline shot back, causing Mel to smile and make a mental note that she had a funny sassy side she did not expect.
“That’s interesting,” Alan said softly, adjusting his glasses while still staring at Alistiar’s white shirt. “Is your vale the ability to manipulate photons?”
“Photons?” Mel asked. “What is that?”
Alistair shoved Alan out of the way. “Hey, quit nerding out on her. Can you do that again?”
“You know what would be fun?” Alan asked, smiling and adjusting his glasses back again. He seemed unfazed by Alistair’s shoving. “We should have her see the edge. It’s still sunset, but we’ll have to leave now.”
“That sounds like a great idea,” Evaline said, smiling at Mel. “It’ll answer your questions about this place, too.”
“Let’s go!” Alistair shouted, about to head for the gate, then abruptly stopping and turned to Alan. “But are we going to have enough time? Mom said she wanted us back before dark.”
Alan seemed to swat the thought away by waving him down and walking ahead. “We’ll be fine. Let’s go.”
“Unless,” Alistair mused, “Evaline, can you use your vale to see if our mom will be mad at us?”
Alan stifled a laugh as Evaline rolled her eyes and pouted. “Very funny. That’s not a serious matter,” she said while the two boys high-fived each other.
The three of them walked towards the gate, leaving a quiet Len and puzzled Mel behind. “Sooooo,” Len said slowly, “you’re probably really confused.”
“I’m getting used to feeling confused,” Mel said, which brought a big grin across his face.
He started taking quick strides towards the gate, leaving Mel to catch up. “Here’s a ten second summary,” he began. “We’re going to the edge of the Capital where the sky meets the ground, and Evaline’s vale is to relive some parts of the past… but none of us really completely understand it since we can’t see it. Oh, and Alan and Alistair are related. Twins, actually.”
“Ohhh, that explains why they look so similar.”
He gave her a funny look. “Really? That’s a first. They’re not identical twins, you know.”
They finally reached the rusty gate that surrounded the school, and Len gave it a heavy push to open, leaving Mel to wonder why there was a gate in the first place if only a push was needed to open it. “Go on,” he said while still holding open the gate, gesturing her to go outside.
“Are you sure?” Mel asked, peering out. She could see the others walking towards an open field dotted with trees in the background. “I thought Jeanie would be back soon.”
Len laughed. “Let me guess, Jeanie seems like a chipper, happy mom type?” Every time he laughed, he wore this lopsided, toothy grin, but suddenly it faded away into a serious, solemn look. “…You don’t have family here, do you?”
Mel slowly shook her head. “I’ve never met my parents.”
“That’s okay,” he said, offering her a gentle smile. “I’ve never met mine, either. And this must mean you’re also living in the student dorms, which is really just a nice way of saying we live in an orphanage.” That lopsided smile smeared across his face again, but Mel stared at him blankly. “Kidding,” he said. “Well, kind of. Jeez, do you Sector 4 people have a sense of humor?”
“Hey! Are you coming?” one of the twins yelled from the distance, waving their arms.
Len waved back at them then turned back to Mel. “I know where you’ll be staying, so don’t worry about Jeanie. Let’s go!”
Together, the two of them caught up to the rest of the group waiting in the field, then walked towards the sunset.
End of chapter
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138,167 Literary Works • 672,079 Reviews
I'm back to review your stuff after five years but I just have a few thoughts! There's already a lot of reviews so I don't think I'm going to be saying a lot that's new? But uh!
I liked this chapter! I think one of my favorite things was how natural their friend group (excluding Mel) felt. They all interacted like they'd been friends for a while - teasing, poking fun, and laughing with one another. It very much felt like friend and family dynamics and it was really cute.
I also really liked how Mel's emotions and memories seem to be closely tied to her vale. I wonder if that's unique to her, or if that's just how she gets her vale to work. For other people is it more intuitive? Do they just feel it? Does some people's vale require more physical exertion or force? But YEAH UH, I always wonder how conscious of a choice it is, so it was cool to get a glimpse into what was going on in Mel's head when she made the white fog/light stuff lol.
But uh!! I also wanted to echo agreement with some of the other reviewers like Stella and Zoom - I think it'd be good to stagger out the dialogue a bit! Add some more description, more feelers, thought, or something! Anything to break it up a bit, because then I guess it starts to feel more like a script than a story (not that scripts are bad lol!! it's just not ideal for novel reading). I think bringing in more emotion like some others mentioned could be a good way to compensate for some of this!! Because it did feel a bit lacking in emotion, I too would really like to get more descriptors on how Mel's feeling about all of this. Something more clear. I know you touched a bit on Mel's suspicions and how she had questions about the place but I think you could've expounded on lengthened those moments and had her think deeper, or just say how maybe the mystery of it all makes her nervous or feel out of place!
And one last little thing uh -
This felt... I dunno, like you were trying to hint at something? But I'm not sure if you were? Is this just Mel being a peculiar sort of observant? Or is there a later significance in there being a gate with no lock or latch? I did wonder if maybe she found this strange because she came from a place where they either had to lock things up (doors, gates, entrances) for protection, or just because it was normal? Is she wondering about it because it's abnormal to her, or just because she doesn't see the purpose in it??? LOL I'm overthinking this ONE LINE but it got my brain going
ANYWHO, sorry this is super super late and idk if this helps at all but I'm enjoying the story!!
<3 -sound
Carinaaa <3 finally back for more! I'm a little foggy so we'll see what I can remember and ignore if I just forget something xD
**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**
So, if E can see parts of the past, how do they expect her to see the future? I don't know if you meant future instead of past because it doesn't really make sense that they ask her about the future and also talk about how they're not able to know if her vale works...it's all a little confusing. Because if it is indeed the future, then they should be able to prove it when things from her visions come true, but if it's the past, then they can go back and fact check it ? I don't know. I just might've missed something but that's what's going through my head right now.
It's kind of awkward to me that he says this and then it goes on with a description of what they're doing. I feel like there should be some kind of response, whether verbal, physical or in her thoughts since he said "you know".
I think I saw in another review about the edge being mysterious, and I definitely like this idea. I think it will give us something to really wonder about. It kind of reminds me of the giver, or divergent.
I don't really have much else to say, I'm very intrigued with this idea and the characters so far, so great job <3
- del
Hello again Carina! I'm plodding along and reviewing bit by bit! It's been a while since I last read a chapter segment, so my advice may be slightly off-kilter.
I sometimes daydream myself as part of the main cast in books I enjoy a ton. Well this might be a pointless ramble because OF COURSE there will be more time to know the characters well.
Ohh, so I didn't know that there were several kinds of vales. Maybe Mel's one can manipulate the light--or photons--as Alan says. At first I didn't get that comment about how the twins couldn't see Evaline's vale and then how they asked Evaline to use her vale to judge whether their mom would be angry. And then, I learned! I feel like Evaline's vale is both incredibly useful but can also have a damaging side, at least to Evaline, in case she witnesses something traumatic.
Hm, so one thing I hope to see in later chapters (and I'm sure I will) is a tad more character development of the group. I still feel like we're touching their surface and perhaps I would like a bit more. Often people do have quirks and maybe we can get introduced to one or two in this scene, for example. I know Alan is nerdy and wears glasses, like many nerds do, and I would like to see more, because if not...he falls into that nerdy stereotype. Still, I'm definitely looking forward to know them better--know them well enough while reading to want to join the group
I'm more invested in this worldbuilding now--what is the POINT of the valen? Why are they all here? How is there all these life-like things here--except for the not-blinding sun, which feels very odd. I believe you said in the PM that it's a dystopia so maybe there is something sinister under all this? I imagine they'll meet up with grown-ups soon who might be able to explain a bit more about this place. And about the vale too, as I assume Mel is going to train and shape it into something extraordinary. So! I'm looking forward to later installments.
Going for now! Let me know if you need me to clarify or answer questions
-Ink
Hey @Carina!
I like that Evaline has her vale and none of the boys! They're obviously all so jealous. I'm curious as to what your timeline for the novel is, how old are they going to all get before each of them has their vale?
So I guess that my fears were unfounded in the last chapter because obviously you answered a lot of the questions I have! I know Zoom didn't like the exposition about the DNA but I really liked it! The only bit that to me felt a bit heavy handed was Len explaining what, exactly, the edge was. I think leave that to us to find out. Think how cool it will be when we do, when we know nothing except that it's mysteriously called "the edge".
Reading LMSs in fragments of chapters always leaves issues because you gain a different view on a fragment than you do on a chapter as a whole. So this left me thinking that it was very dialogue heavy - but then it's only part of a chapter, so that's okay. Even still, I wouldn't be worried to split your dialogue up a little. I say this like the most hypocritical person ever because I'm a huge dialogue writer as well. But don't be afraid to work outside of dialogue to give us a breath - partly because in a group setting like this it actually requires quite a lot of concentration for your reader to keep the thread of a conversation. So a paragraph here and there of prose would be a nice break.
I'm enjoying the slight little cultural differences - they're obviously much better educated than her, and well-informed and poor Mel really doesn't have a clue what's going on. Poor Mel
Overall, I don't have many more notes, other than to break the dialogue up a little.
Looking forward to the next part!
- Stella x
stellz <3
I'm going to note that you'd prefer "the edge" to be a mystery! I felt like I was leaving too many questions unanswered, but maybe not. Also totally understand that reviewing novel chapters by 1000 words at a time may be misleading. Still, I'll probably inch back on the dialogue just a teeeensy bit and avoid using them as cheats to give reader info. :p (thanks for reading the other review btw <3)
And to answer your question -- SOON. VERY SOON. Kinda. heh heh heh
YAY awesome chapter frend <333333 milion harts
moar plzzzzzzzzz thnks im hooked haha c:
YAYAYAYAYYAYAYAY <4
<5
Hey, hope you don’t mind picking up another reader ^_^ At what point do you call it a fanbase?
You’ve used dialog as a tool for exposition a bit too much (factoring the prev chapter fragments). It wasn’t too bad in 1.2, but at this point it’s becoming more obvious that this dialog is directly for the reader’s benefit. You haven’t gone overboard with it, but you have one foot over the line.
And I’m not particularly fond of this interruption at the end—teasing information to build suspension usually has the opposite effect (for me personally, others might like it).
I liked this. The way Mel uses her vale is interesting, and it’s a great way to add backstory without seeming forced.
If you saved Mel’s question about her surroundings until this point where Alan suggests to visit “the edge” then it would tie together a bit better. Just a suggestion.
This again seemed more for the readers benefit. I don’t believe someone would summarise a conversation that happened ten seconds ago in such a strange way.
***
Overall comments:
I commend you for starting your novel in a pretty good place. You introduced your setting and characters without overwhelming me. I think a lot of the exposition offered through the dialog wasn’t particularly important or could have been hinted at in a much simpler way.
Something that’s missing for me is emotion and tone. I don’t really have an idea whether Mel is happy or not to be there. Based on the way she remembers sector 4 when using her vale, she seems to miss her home environment, but that doesn’t tell me much about how she now feels about sector 3. Just knowing the emotional context would allow me to put a pin in the hows and whys until later, when you are ready to divulge more backstory.
You’re doing a good job with the group interactions, it feels like they are an already established friendship group and Mel is a welcome newcomer. I mean, I know that’s literally the case, but you’ve made that really believable.
I did start this story off thinking
NOT ANOTHER STORY WITH SECTORS AND FACTIONS AND GROUPS, but there’s enough intrigue here to carry me away from that preconception.If you do tags, please include me. That’s if you don’t mind my style of reviewing.
-Zoom
AHHHHH thanks so much for the review -- this was super helpful!! And I'll be happy to add you to the daily ping!
Thanks for the input about the dialogue serving as the author trying to low-key info dump the reader without it being overbearing, because, well... that's exactly what happened, lol *guilty* I do have fun writing the character interactions scenes, but there were some I'm-too-lazy-to-drag-this-out-some-more scenes, such as when Len gave the ten second summary. I was afraid this would happen, so I'm happy to hear a second opinion on this! I'll also keep in mind to have less (or none at all) interruption scenes, and I also really like the suggestion to tie the interruption/edge conversation together.
!!! emotion!!! Definitely going to incorporate more of that. I'm afraid of writing Mel to be bland and void of personality, so do let me know if I'm lacking in tone or emotional context!
I'm glad that you got over the notions that this will be another one of those faction stories. xD It's really not going to be like the The Hunger Games or The Divergent Series with the "us vs. them" or "community vs. government" mentality. This novel is still considered a (peaceful) dystopia, but I can tell you that the beginning themes are of friendship, innocence, and naivety that will be broken, piece-by-piece, by the reality they live in. Anyways, I hope this gives you more incentive to keep reading!
Big apologies in advance if my chapters turn worse in quality over the weeks. I've found myself with less and less time to write them in time for LMS, and I think this shows. xD But I'm going to try my best to keep you wonderful readers intrigued!
Thanks again for reviewing. <3 this was very insightful!!