[pre] MY TRUE LOVE
How have I lived my life without you, my only love?
Not knowing you were in it, my only love?
My soul strives for the sight of you, my heart beats your name.
My true love.
Green-brown eyes look into mine, and I know nothing more.
Hand in hand we stay, through the open door,
Into each other's arms, warm in their embrace.
My true love.
Though some may not understand,
The world vanishes when I'm holding your hand.
Nothing matters but us two.
My true love.
Time moves on, though we try to stop it.
We have to part, bitterly we regret it.
But I know you'll be there again.
My true love.
My body yearns for yours, I'm so cold.
Hoping soon you'll be mine to hold.
And I'll see that sparkling gaze searching for me.
My true love.
And now, darling, words cannot express,
The joy I have in your caress.
Hoping you feel the same in mine.
My true love.
Dedicated to Danielle, my one and only.[/pre]
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
I love it. It is really good.
I think you said 'My love' too many times, but if you look at the rest of the poem, it's great.
Nice one
It's going to be hard critiquing this.
The only bad thing about this is...CLICHE!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH! People like WRITING cliches, but they hate READING cliches. Guess which one I am going to urge you NOT to do?
Both. Cliche is born from cliche. This has been influenced by so many terrible movies these days that are so popular, yet without ANY hint of originality in them (*coughHighSchoolMusicalcough*).
An example:
"My soul strives for the sight of you, my heart beats your name"
SO cliche. My soul strives for the sight of you? First of all, the words "my soul" should be banned from poetry. "My heart" too. Instead, you could say the same thing in new form:
"Lust for your figure ebbs on my lips, crimson lips that utter your name."
Better? It took me thirty seconds.
You see? Try! Imagery, metaphores, similies--they all help.
PM me for questions.
Cliche.
I liked this, but I've read it all before - low on the originality scale. It would be nice to see you change this into something of your own.
I agree the "My True Love" bit did come into the poem way too much. If you possibly kept it in one line and then found substitutes for the other lines that could work...? Maybe. Other than that, this was a lot of telling, there were no metaphors really and so I couldn't feel or visualize anything. Though for you true love, I could see that this was sweet. lol. But not really entertaining for the audience, I think. This poem has potential.
Keep it up!
~Rieda
I think the problem is you simply repeat yourself over and over again. There is no movement, no progression of narrative, no expansion on the primary thought. The whole premise of the poem is explained in the first line -- after that, I learn nothing else about the narrator.
The other thing is the completely forced rhyming. The best (or worst?) example of this is here:
The "I'm so cold" is only there to allow the "hold" to fit a rhyme scheme. It sounds so unconnected to the rest of the line. Read it out loud and you'll understand what I mean. There's no flow. You can phrase a thought like that in so many better ways, without thinking about rhymes all the time.
Learn how to write poetry before you start experimenting with forms and rhyme schemes -- like Clau says, read poetry and see how poets comprise their poems, it'll help you know what to do with yours.
You said, "My true love," way too much. I think it was just navel gazing, I couldn't really get into it or feel anything. it was written to your "true love" rather than a poem for us to feel with you, and that is probably where it went wrong.
Read more poetry--it'll help you learn.
Are you trying to make me cry? I love it. It is so sweet! And true. I didn't know you can write poetry! *is sad that she can't, and a bit jealous* *hugs* Thank you. Have I told you how sweet you are today, darling? I love you. 007