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Young Writers Society



Guardians

by Cariad


I hope you all like it! This is only part of it, don't worry.

The dying screams of her mother still echoed in Sira's mind. When the village council found that her mother, Irene, could spellcast, they broke into the house, subdued her mother, and carried her away. All that she knew was in a note that said the law had her. Two days later, it was publicly announced that Irene Brightstar, mother of two, was going to be executed.

It was as if a dagger had been driven into Sira's heart. Ever since her sister, Eve, had disappeared 10 years ago, her mother was all Sira had. Now that would be torn from her in the morning. And the day after that, Sira would be forced from the town, for the ability to spellcast had been found dormant within her, also.

It was this dormancy that had spared her from the blade. The council had not wanted to kill her for a crime she had yet to commit. The town had liked her before they found out what she would become. That was the only reason they had not kept her until her power manifested itself. Instead they decided to send her away and forbid her from coming back. With these dark thoughts in mind, Sira fell into a troubled sleep.

Unknown to her, a great battle was waging around Sira, an invisible and intangible war to control her. As Sira slept, she was watched, as she had been ever since she was born.

Sira woke refreshed but with a leaden heart. This was the day her life would be torn to shreds. She dressed slowly, dreading what was to come.

Soon the time came to go out to the town center. When she arrived, a large crowd had already assembled. Upon seeing her, guards came to escort her to the center. As she threaded through the multitude, she noted fear and hate on the faces of many townsfolk. And then she saw it.

The block rose suddenly into view, a slab of wood stained wine-red with blood. Sira noticed a man dressed completely in black, with a drak hood draped over his face. He was sitting off to the side, sharpening a great broadsword. The executioner. With every rasp of steel on stone, a cheer went through the crowd.

Sira felt sick, and hurriedly took the chair that was offered to her. The executioner stood, satisfied with the blade, and gave a signal to what appeared to be thin air. Suddenly, all was quiet, and Sira could well guess why.

Soon, the mass parted, and her mother was forced into the clearing. Tall and regal, she had ice blue eyes and golden hair. She walked with such composure; Sira couldn't fathom how she kept from screaming. She was marched to stand at Sira's side, yet didn't look at her. As guards took up positions around the clearing, they waited. But not for long.

Fanfare played, and the mayor walked into view. He looked around, located Sira and her mother, with a sneer for Irene and a tender smile for her, one she did not mirror.

He frowned, then shrugged and announced grandly, "My fellow citizens, today we eliminate one of our town's greatest threats, the witch Irene Brightstar!" As the crowd cheered, guards came to take her mother to the block.

Suddenly, she broke free, but instead of running, she knelt down in front of Sira, speaking quickly and urgently.

"When you leave, go south and don’t stop. You will meet someone who goes by the name Saneth. Follow him, he will teach you."

As she said this, a score of guards came and took her towards her death. Irene struggled, screaming,

"You can't do this! No! I won't leave her! Sira!" The mayor walked up and calmly slapped her face.

"Shut up, witch. You have no love for anyone, you manipulate and you seduce, but you do not love."

Sira nearly shouted out in protest at this. He slapped once more, and then addressed the guards,

"Gag her, and then proceed."

Soon, Irene stood before the block. She was forced on her knees, and had her head pressed against the stump. All was silent, Irene's face smooth once more. The executioner walked up, and rested his sword on her neck. Then he slowly brought the blade up, and as it fell, Sira looked away.

With a solid thump, and a great cheer, her mother was dead.

Sira was shattered.

As the crowd dispersed, she sat there, to stunned to move. Everyone left her alone, but not out of respect, only out of fear. They had no idea of the rage and sorrow of having her mother killed right before her eyes would be enough to trigger her power. Well, that was fine by her, she didn't want to talk with anyone anyway.

Sira jumped up, noting how many people flinched, and stormed home. Once there, she began to pack, starting with any portable provisions. Cheese, smoked meat, dried fruit, bread, it all went into her pack. She moved on to raiding her dresser for spare clothes. She glanced up, looking for anything she had missed, and saw a carving her mother had given her as a young girl. Suddenly, the pain she had pushed back came screaming to the surface. Her mother was dead; she couldn't deny it any longer.

A tear made its way slowly down her cheek, and then she fell onto the bed sobbing. Finally her crying subsided, leaving her feeling weary and sore, and she surrendered herself to a shallow, unrestfull slumber.

Sira woke the next morning to pounding on the door. She groggily went to open it, then shouted in surprise as a half-dozen guards streamed past her. She was just turning on them when she heard a soft voice say,

"Sira, no." She spun back around, and saw her friend, Jeneth. He stood before her with eyes filled with compassion, not fear.

"Come, Sira. It's time to leave."

Sira grabbed her pack and on the way out, paused, and stowed away the picture of her mother that was on the mantle.

"I'm ready," she said, returning. Jeneth turned, and with Sira walking behind him, guards encircling her, walked out to the town gate. As she went, a crowd started to build. As with her mother, she only saw fear, and great distaste. Sira walked with as much serenity as she could muster, then when Jeneth stepped aside, started to walk out of the town. The gate closed, and with its great crash came her exile.

*************

Atran gasped as he swung his sword at his teacher, Erian, only to have it parried yet again.

“Keep your mind on the sword, Atran,” he said angrily, shoving his blade under Atran’s nose. “If you lose your focus, next time the blade won’t stop short. You lose your focus, you die.” Atran moved away.

“Yes, Master Erian. I understand.” He walked over to the bench beside the arena, grabbing a towel and mopping his face.

“Atran, you will never learn, will you? What must I do to get it into your head to listen, not to give me some empty response?” Atran shook his head.

“Master, why do I have to learn swordplay? I’ve mastered marksmanship and staff combat! I can hold my own in a fight!”

Eraim looked sadly into Atran's face.

"And what will happen when you do not have a bow or a staff? You must master the sword, Atran. Why can't you understand that?"

Atran could not answer the question, he wasn't sure of the answer himself. It wasn't that he did not want to master the sword, it was as if something was physically stopping him from concentrating on the forms. But Eriam wouldn't be convinced of that.

"Master, I'm trying. Perhaps I'm just not ready to be a weaponsmaster yet."

Eriam grunted. "In any case, we are done. Someone is here to take you to a new home."

Atran couldn't believe it. "Master Eriam, I thought this was my home! Besides, my family doesn't want me, they sent me here in the first place, by disowning me! Why are you sending me away?"

Eraim sheathed his sword, and walked forward to grip Atran's shoulders gently.

"Atran, I'm not sending you away of my choice. My... acquaintance Saneth has been asking for you, and I owe him for something he did for me many years ago."

Atran pulled away angrily. "So this is how you repay him? As if I'm some slave to be traded at will?"

A soft voice answered.

"Atran, you are not a slave. I have need of you, and as soon as you have fulfilled your purpose, you are free to come back."

Atran spun around in surprise. A man in golden robes was standing in the doorway, a kind and friendly look to his face. He moved closer, stopping when Atran moved backward, strategically toward the rack of staffs.


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Sun Aug 12, 2007 11:30 pm
canislupis wrote a review...



This is very good for: "your first story"
Obviously you have edited it, and it seems to have worked out pretty well for you. I foubnd the beggining to be stiff and confusing, and it would be worth your time to edit that out a little bit. The other thing I noticed was that you spend a lot of time jumping back and forth between reality and remembering, especially in the beggining. one second she is sad about her mother's death, and the next she is describing what actually happened at the execution.
In short: straiten out the beggining and dialogue and you've got a nice story.




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Sun Aug 12, 2007 2:45 am
Firestalker wrote a review...



Interesting great story. Will you continue it?

Anyway as far as i saw the only mistake you made was seperating the paragraphs at the wrong place.

1. It was as if a dagger had been driven into Sira's heart. Ever since her sister, Eve, had disappeared 10 years ago, her mother was all Sira had. Now that would be torn from her in the morning.
The day after that, Sira would be forced from the town, for the ability to spellcast (cast spells) had been found dormant within her, also. It was this dormancy that had spared her from the blade. The council had not wanted to kill her for a crime she had yet to commit. The town had liked her before they found out what she would become. That was the only reason they had not kept her until her power manifested itself. Instead they decided to send her away and forbid her from coming back. With these dark thoughts in mind, Sira fell into a troubled sleep.


2.The day after that, Sira would be forced from the town, for the ability to spellcast (cast spells) had been found dormant within her, also.




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Thu Aug 02, 2007 6:19 am
flytodreams wrote a review...



Yes, there is a little too much info-dumping in Sira's part. Like someone else said, show, don't tell. And try spacing out the paragraphs so it doesn't look like a big block.

Otherwise, it's great, and I'm interested in reading more! :D Keep up the good work.




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Thu Aug 02, 2007 12:34 am
frenchpastry wrote a review...



I have to agree. More paragraphs would be nice. ;) It will present your story better. Anyway, on to the critique.


The dying screams of her mother still echoed in Sira's mind. When the village council found that her mother, Irene, could spellcast, they broke into the house, subdued her mother, and carried her away. All that she knew was in a note that said the law had her. Two days later, it was publicly announced that Irene Brightstar, mother of two, was going to be executed.
It was as if a dagger had been driven into Sira's heart. Ever since her sister, Eve, had disappeared 10 years ago, her mother was all Sira had. Now that would be torn from her in the morning. And the day after that, Sira would be forced from the town, for the ability to spellcast had been found dormant within her, also.

It was this dormancy that had spared her from the blade. The council had not wanted to kill her for a crime she had yet to commit. The town had liked her before they found out what she would become. That was the only reason they had not kept her until her power manifested itself. Instead they decided to send her away and forbid her from coming back. With these dark thoughts in mind, Sira fell into a troubled sleep.



I have to agree, yet again, with a few of the others. You have a bit of 'info-dumping' here. You might want to cut out some of the information here, and introduce it into the story later on.


Unknown to her, a great battle was waging around Sira, an invisible and intangible war to control her. As Sira slept, she was watched, as she had been ever since she was born.



"Unknown to her, a great battle was waging around Sira..." This was an amazing line. Good job. I am wondering, however, if it is entirely needed here? If you don't know what I mean, please PM me. I tend to be confusing at times.




With a solid thump, and a great cheer, her mother was dead.

Sira was shattered.


I'm not sure why, but these sentences seem a bit off to me. Try saying it out loud. 'Her mother was dead. Sire was shattered.' Maybe you could describe what Sira was feeling specifically instead. Was her heart breaking? Were tears welling up behind her eyes? Was her throat dry and her pulse fast?



Atran gasped as he swung his sword at his teacher, Erian, only to have it parried yet again.


POV change. Is Sira your MC, or is there more than one? Also, you have Sira waking up and sleeping multiple times during the story. That's not needed. :) The entire first scene with SIra should probably be Chapter One, and it should all kinda blend together into one event, so that it flows nicely.


Anyway, I honestly like this story. I think it has some potential, and if you work on it, I'm positive it can be great. Like I stated earlier, you could stand to leave out some information in the beginning. You don't even have to let us know it is her mother until later, when she sees her. Make it suspenseful. Make us wonder in the beginning, what in the world is going on? That will keep us reading. Good luck with this story, and I hope some of my critique helped. If it didn't, well, just disregard anything I've just said. :)




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Thu Aug 02, 2007 12:31 am
Cariad says...



The man shook his head.
"Atran, staffs won't do any good. I am beyond your power, at least for now. That is why I want you. I am going to train you. In what, I will keep to myself for now. But first, I need you to get someone for me."
Atran stopped, at least for now.
"You want me to get someone? Who? And why would they come with me?"
The man sighed.
"I can see this is going to be a distinctive partnership. Please, Atran, just come with me. I promise all will be explained in due time."
Atran regrettably nodded, only because he could see he had no other choice.
"But after this, and when my training is over, I'm leaving."
The man nodded placidly.
"Of course. The first thing you should know is that my name is Saneth. Now, your things are packed and waiting. But we are traveling light. Most of your possessions will be coming more slowly. I want you to take only what you absolutely need. Understand?"
Atran nodded, and winced slightly as he said, "Yes, Master."
Saneth shook his head at Atran's words.
"Call me Saneth. Now, come, let me give you your horse."




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Wed Aug 01, 2007 9:19 am
Fan says...



Wasn't there a topic in writing tips about this story? Anyway, hope to read more.




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Wed Aug 01, 2007 1:38 am
writergirl007 says...



Hey. Okay, yes. More reviews. I'm pretty good at that. ;) So...here we go.

1. "When the village council found that her mother, Irene, could spellcast, they broke into the house, subdued her mother, and carried her away; leaving only a note that said the law had her."
THis is a very long sentence. Try to break it up so that the reader can understand it more. Try: "When the village council found out that her mother, Irene, could spellcast, they broke into the house, subdued her, and carried her away. Only a note was left in her place exclaiming she belonged to the law." OR something like that. XD

2. "aUnknown to her"
Take out the a. It is just a typo, don't worry! XD

3. “Atran, you will never learn, will you?
New paragraph.

4. "Atran couldn't answer that. He had no way of answering it."
I really don't like the two "answers." But I see the need and the point you are trying to make...I just don't like them for some reason. Take out the "that" as well. Try this: 'Atran couldn't answer him. He had now way of answering." Also, change "couldn't" to could not. It is better grammer. XD

5. "It wasn't that he didn't want to master the sword,"
Again, don't use contractions (or try not to) in your writing. It is fine if you are using them for your characters, but in the narrative, try not to use them as much.

6. "A soft voice answered that."
"that" is not very good in your writing. Try to aviod it if at all possible. Try this: "A soft voice answered."

I really like it! I do! I can't wait to read more. And I only had six suggestions! XD Hope this helps, love. 007




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Wed Aug 01, 2007 1:18 am
writergirl007 says...



I would make a new post or say Revised at the beginning. I am going to review it again! XD I just want to help you become a better writer! Love you. Get ready for another one! XD 007




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Tue Jul 31, 2007 11:16 pm
Cariad says...



All right. Edits are made, but don't be afraid to tell me something else. I might have missed some things, plus it wouldn't repost right when I tried to edit. I also added some more, would it be too confusing if I added onto that, or would it be better if I make a new post every time a new part comes into the story?




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Tue Jul 31, 2007 7:03 am
Clover says...



More paragraphs please




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Tue Jul 31, 2007 3:57 am
SOPF wrote a review...



I think the two replies before me got most of what Is was going to say. One thing that kind of bothered me though was that you didn't give me a vivid image of the environment in which this was all taking place. As for the story itself, I liked it. I just hope you have something original in store for this story's chosen one. I plan to read the next part to this tale.




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Tue Jul 31, 2007 2:27 am
writergirl007 wrote a review...



Hey cutie. How are you? Don't think just because you are my BF, that you are getting off easy! XD I did like it though. You had me wrapped up in the story! There better be more! XD
Suggestions:

1. "Because the town had liked her, before they found out what she would become, they had not kept her until her power manifested itself, but decided to send her away and forbid her from coming back."
This is too long of a sentence for the reader to follow. Break it up. Try this: "Before the town found out what she was, they had liked her. Because of this, they had not kept her until her power manifested itself, but decided instead to exile her from (wherever they are. Not really good with names XD)"

2. "The block rose suddenly out of the crowd"
You use the same word too many times. One of them is crowd, another is guard or guards. I can't remember the rest. Just change them. That will help.

3. "My fellow citizens, today we eliminate one of our town's greatest threats, the witch Irene Brightstar!!!"
Start a new paragraph every time someone speaks. And, don't end with more than one punctuation! It is just bad grammer. XD

4. "When you leave, go south and don’t stop. You will meet someone who goes by the name Saneth. Follow him, he will teach you."
New paragraph.

5. "You can't do this! No! I won't leave her! Sira!!!"
New par and only one exclamation mark.

6. "Shut up, witch. You have no love for anyone, you manipulate and you seduce, but you do not love."
New paragraph. Love this sentence!

7. "Gag her, and then proceed."
New paragraph.

8. With a solid thump, and a great cheer, Irene Brightstar, her mother, was dead.
Take out "her mother". By now, the reader should know who she is.

9. Everyone left her alone, but not out of respect. They avoided her out of fear.
I would combine these two sentences. Try this: "Everyone left her alone, but not out of respece, out of fear." Just a suggestion. XD

10. "They had no idea of the rage and sorrow of having her mother killed right before her eyes would be enough to trigger her power."
I know what you are trying to say, but it isn't plain in this sentence. Try this: "No one knew that the rage and sorrow of having her mother killed right before her eyes would be enough to trigger her emense power." Just a suggestion.

11. "Sira, no."
New paragraph.

12. "Come, Sira. It's time to leave."
New paragraph.

13. "I'm ready,"
New paragraph.

14. "Atran moved away."
New paragraph.

15. “Atran, you will never learn, will you? What must I do to get it into your head to listen, not to give me some empty response?”
New paragraph.

16. "Atran shook his head."
New paragraph.

I realy liked this. Please write more! I love you! Hope this helps! XD 007




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Tue Jul 31, 2007 1:50 am
Meep wrote a review...



Whitelighter wrote:bviously, there will be some grammatical errors, but all that aside, I hope you all like it!

Yikes, that's not a good way to get the reader's attention. There's only so much time in a day, and if a reader (especially a potential reviewer) thinks that you didn't bother to edit for grammatical mistakes, then they might not bother to critique you at all.
... just something to keep in mind.

Now, the actual review: the story starts off in the middle of the action, then quickly backtracks into infodumping. Is there any reason you can't show that scene, instead of just telling it? Personally, I think it would be a much more exciting and interesting way to start a story and capture the reader's attention.
(Also, for the record, troubled sleep is not usually deep sleep. Nightmares often leave people feeling restless and upset. She probably wouldn't wake feeling "refreshed.")

I wouldn't just come out and say Sira's important, at least not so close to the beginning of the story. It sounds like the Chosen One syndrome, and it's just not interesting. This is another thing that you should show, not tell.

I think what you really need to work on are the aforementioned grammatical errors (you need a new paragraph for each new idea and every time a different person speaks, only use one ! at a time, etc.), showing instead of telling, and picking which adjectives to use. You seem to use adjectives that don't make sense in context. You don't usually feel refreshed after a troubled sleep. It isn't often that you're "calm" when you slap someone, etc. You might also want to work on your dialogue: it's a little stiff and cliché.

I'm curious to see what happens with this. I hope you've got an interesting reason that the spellcasters are seen as dangerous, how the world government works, and so on.

(PS. It might be a good idea to go introduce yourself in the "welcome" forum, and review other people's posts. It's just good karma.)





Do. Or do not. There is no try.
— Yoda