SHAUN
“Stupid humans,” I said.
“Shaun shut up,” My sister, Hailey, said.
My sister, brother, and I are twins. Our bleach blond hair, with brown highlights, hazel eyes, full lips, and were all 16.
“What? It's true. Here they are doing those stupid butt stunts knowing they aren't going to make it out very well,” My brother, Ryan, explained. We were watching America’s Funniest Home Videos, and I possibly do not know why it’s labeled as funny.
“Yeah. Yeah. Whatever, but y'all are going to have to deal with them, considering were starting a new school when the school semester starts,” Hailey said.
“Oh joy,” Ryan, and I said.
You see, we're all vampires. We live with my mom, and we have no idea where my dad is. Humans are scum. My brother and I absolutely loathe humans. They do stupid things, and have no brains.
“Shaun! Ryan! Hailey! Come see you guys!” I heard my cousin yell.
My cousin is visiting for the last week of summer. Her name is Rachel.
“What now?” Ryan asked.
We all got up from the couch, and walked into the kitchen where Rachel was standing looking out of the screen door.
“Look at those humans,” Rachel said.
We all looked out of the door, and two kids were riding four wheelers doing crazy stunts. The guys were laughing, and having a blast. One had brown hair, and the other had black hair. They were just wearing jeans with no shirts.
“What did I tell you about Humans? They’re always doing stupid stunts!” Ryan said.
Then a girl with dark brown hair, who looked like was twins with the brown headed boy, stepped right in front of the boys who were riding the four wheelers.
They stopped immediately.
The brown headed boy argued with the girl, and then the black headed boy joined in. The girl grabbed the brown headed boy, and pulled him off the four-wheeler, and did the same with the other boy. They all walked inside.
“Aggressive,” I said.
“Humans,” Ryan said.
We walked away from the door, and all sat down on the couch.
“What are you kids doing? Get out, and have some fun in this new town,” My mom said.
“Not with stupid humans running around. No way! What are we going to do if we get hungry?” I asked.
“You are going to feed on animals, not humans!! We came here for a change, young man!” My mom argued.
“You two stop arguing, and let’s go,” Hailey said.
We all went out the front door.
“I can't believe mom,” Ryan said.
“Why can't y'all like humans like I do?” Hailey asked.
“Hailey, you're an idiot! I can't believe were related!” Rachel said.
“Exactly!” I said.
“Were vampire's it's our nature-” Rachel was cut off by Ryan, “Shut up! Listen!”
“Jack, you dummy, you could’ve gotten yourself killed! You, too Henry. How stupid are y'all seriously!” We heard a girl yell.
“Shut up, April! You're loud! Mom's gonna hear you!” A boy said.
“Of course she will! Let her hear me, Jack! She deserves to know that you almost killed yourself!! I'm going out!!”
I heard a door slam, and I saw the same girl that grabbed the two boys away from those four wheelers. “Oh! Sorry, if you heard me yelling. Excuse me.” She said, and walked away.
“That was funny,” Ryan said.
“I wonder why she was so mad at those boys,” Rachel said.
“Are you stupid, Rachel?! She was protecting them!! She’s a smart one!” Hailey said. “Looks like that’s one human you could talk to!”
“Shut up!” Rachel, Ryan, and I said together.
We walked away, to the park, and saw that girl again. She was talking to a tall man, with a briefcase in his hand. They walked for about a minute, and then she walked away, and went into this flower shop.
“To the flower shop,” Ryan said.
“Oh lord. Here we go, again. Ryan, are you going to talk to this girl, and then use her for feeding? You heard what mom said,” Hailey said.
“Who cares what mom says.”
We all followed Ryan into the flower shop. The girl turned around, and she had on an apron.
“Hi. I'm April. How may I help you?” She asked.
“Pretty name for a pretty girl,”
“Thank you. Now what do you need?”
“This is going be fun to watch,” Rachel whispered to me.
I laughed.
“Can I have you?” Ryan asked.
“Look! If you need flowers get some, but if you're just here to flirt with me leave with you're little friends.”
Then she walked away into the Employees Only section. I started laughing so hard.
“That would be rejection number one. She really is smart,” Hailey said.
“They're scum,” Ryan, Rachel, and I said.
Then we walked out of the flower shop.
“I'm going home,” Ryan said.
“Me, too,” I said. “Feeling down, Ryan?”
“A-hem. I NEVER feel down because of one girl!” Ryan said.
“Yea, but this is the first girl who has actually rejected you,” I pointed out.
“Yeah, whatever.”
By the time we made it to the house it was lunch time.
“You hungry?” Ryan asked.
“No. Go ahead and feed without me.”
“Alright, bro. See ya.”
He left out the back door. I looked out the door, and there was those two boys putting up the four wheelers.
I walked away from the door, and ran into Hailey, “I just got done talking to April.”
“Oh no.”
**
Sometimes, I wish Rachel, and Hailey can switch places so that I can have a sister who acts like her true self. But, sadly, Rachel had to go home for the school year. Who knows, maybe she’ll come back for something.
“School starts today!” My mom said.
“Oh joy!” I said sarcastically.
“I know, right,” Ryan said.
“Come guys. Let's just go,” Hailey said.
And we walked out of the house.
“Henry, run!” I heard Jack yell.
April, Jack, and Henry were all running towards the bus stop. Once April got on the first bus step, she looked back at the guys, “Beat ya.” Then she walked in the bus.
The boys went on, and then we did, too. Hailey, Ryan, and I sat in the back of the bus.
“When are you getting your car fixed, April?” I heard Jack ask.
“Jack, I don't know. I'm working on it, but if Henry stops hanging out with that girl, then maybe he would help me finish it!” Then April threw a rag at that Henry, dude.
“Hey! Suck it up!” That Henry dude said.
“Shut up, Henry! That's my sister!” Jack said.
The bus stopped, and some more kids got on, “Happy new school year, April!” Some girl said.
“You too, Amy!”
“Oh snap! Miss Priss is here.”
“Uh-oh. Not Mallory.”
“Shut up!” Some girl snapped.
“You, Mallory!” Amy yelled.
Then Mallory came over to us, and said, “Y'all are in my seat.”
“You take up this whole seat?” Ryan asked.
“No! My friends, and I do.”
Then two girls came on the bus, and they stood behind that Mallory girl.
“Now move!” Mallory said.
April came up behind them, and said, “You guys, lay off. They're new.”
“Man, shut up, April,” Mallory said.
“Mallory, there are other seats. Go sit down somewhere else,” April said.
“Fine. Just this once, but just so you know, I rule the school. So stay off my bad side, and you're good,” Mallory, and her friends walked away, and sat down somewhere else.
“Sorry, about Mallory. She has an attitude,” April said, and then sat down in her seat next to Jack.
“Stupid Humans,” I said under my breath.
“April is pretty nice,” Hailey said.
“Shut up,” Ryan, and I said together.
**
It seems like the world was out to get me. I had every class with April, and in every single class, we sat together. So at lunch the world made Hailey do something so mean.
“Hey April!” Hailey called.
“Hey Hailey. What’s up?” April asked. “Oh. This is Jack. And that's Henry.”
Jack and Henry were standing behind her with their trays.
“Move, adopt,” Mallory said.
“Shut up, Mallory!” Jack yelled.
“Adopt?” Ryan asked.
“Y'all didn't hear? April's adopted,” And then Mallory walked off.
“You're adopted?” Ryan asked.
“Yea,” April said, and then walked off.
“Sore spot for her huh,” Ryan said.
“Ditch this food. I'm hungry.”
“Me too.”
“Me three.”
So all three of us walked out of the cafeteria, and ran to the forest. Ran so fast we wouldn’t be seen by the cameras. I ran, and caught a deer, and sank my teeth into them. While Ryan and Hailey did the same. I lifted my head, and threw the deer.
“I'm full,” I said.
“Me too,” Ryan said.
Hailey just stood there, thinking.
“What are you thinking about, Hailey?” I asked.
“I’m thinking about April.”
“Would you just stop thinking about her? She's not one of us!” I said.
“Yea, so shut it, Hailey,” Ryan said, and then we ran back to the school.
We made it back four minutes before the bell. Hailey passed by April, and asked if she wanted to come over to talk after school. April said, yea.
“Okay. Let's make sure were out of the house around that time,” I said.
“Yeah. I know,” Ryan agreed.
HAILEY
After school April and I walked into my house, with the boys following.
“Nice house,” April said.
“Thanks,” I said.
We sat on the couch.
“So what’s you're family like?” I asked her.
“Boring. My dad owns that flower shop y'all saw me in.”
“Oh you work there?”
“No. I was filling in for my brother. Jack, is my brother, but not my biological brother. Henry is his best friend, but he's more like another brother, because he's always there.”
“What about you're adoption thing? I mean, you look just like Jack,” I asked.
“Well, the truth is that I'm actually a blond. My hair was like golden. That's why I have blue eyes, and not brown. I don't know much about my mom, or dad,” She said.
“Oh cool.”
“Yeah. So what's up about your family?” She asked.
“Oh well, they're okay. My brothers, and I are okay, but don't get along very well, but were good. That one is Ryan. He's the guy you turned down in that flower shop. And Shaun is somewhere in this house, or exploring.”
“Hey, girlie,” Ryan said.
He sat down on the couch next to me.
“Hey. It's nice to see you again, but not really,” April said.
“Funny girl,” Ryan said.
Then the front door opened, and Shaun walked in,
“Dang, and I thought you would be gone by now.”
“Rude!” April said.
“Stupid girl.”
“What?!”
“I said stupid girl.”
“I'm not going to be insulted by someone I just freaking met. So take you insult and-”
“Wait it bothers you?”
Then April kicked him, “Well no freaking duh!”
Then she left. Shaun was holding his shin, and bouncing around, “OW! That crap hurt!”
“Nice going, you chased away my friend!” I yelled.
APRIL
What was with him that made me want to kick him? I've never hurt someone before.
“Hey, April. Wanna work on your car?” Henry asked.
“You go do it, and I'll go to my room.”
I walked up the stairs, and into my room. I looked in the mirror, and looked at myself. Maybe I should dye my hair back? My blue eyes, brown hair, good, curvy, figure, full lips, and the way my wavy, hair falls to my shoulders. What was with him, that made me so mad?
Then the phone rang.
I picked it up, and yelled, “I got it!”
“Hello?”
“Hey, April.”
“Hey Hailey. How did you get my number?”
“You left your binder over here, and it has your number written on it.”
“Oh yea. Sorry about storming out. Can you bring my binder to me at the bus tomorrow?”
“Sure. Hey, even though Shaun hasn't said it, he's sorry.”
“No I'm not!” I heard Shaun say from the background.
“Whatever. I have to go.”
“Alright. Bye.” Then I hung up the phone, and went downstairs.
“What is up with you, April?” Jack asked.
“Nothing. Nothing at all.”
I went to the fridge, and pulled out some milk. Then I set it on the table, and left the room. I went to the garage to check on my car. Henry was fixing it up.
“Henry you know that I wanna help, right?” I asked.
“I know, but I had to make up for it. I mean, I haven't been helping you,” He said.
“Sure. Now move from down there and lets test it.”
I sat in the front seat, and turned the key, and the engine started.
“OMG! It works! You got it working! Thank you so much, Henry!” I said.
“Your welcome.”
“I can't believe it's working! YES! No more bus!” I said.
No more, Shaun. A voice in my head said.
Stop thinking about him! I told myself.
“All it needs is a paint job, and a new radio,” Henry said.
“I just bought a radio last night, and we can go get a paint job right now. Cherry red,” I said.
“Ohh!! A nice red Porsche! Yea!”
Jack came down the stairs, “Y'all got it running?!”
“Yea!”
“Awesome!”
“We're about to go get a paint job. Lets all go!”
Jack jumped in the back seat, while I closed my door, and Henry got in the passenger seat. I pulled out of the garage and headed to Tony's Body Shop.
“Hey Tony,” I said.
Tony is 16, and has the biggest crush on me. He doesn't own the body shop or anything, but his dad does. He's Tony Jefferson Jr.
“Hey April. What brings you here?” He asked.
“I need a paint job for my car.”
“Y'all got it working?” He asked.
“Yup. So a red paint job?”
“Sure. And it's on the house,” He said, and then left to go towards the car.
“On the house every time,” I said.
“He seriously needs to get over you,” Jack said.
“Not until all my car problems are solved,” I said.
We sat down in the waiting room for about a hour, and Tony came in, and threw me the keys.
“Thanks, Tony,” I said.
He smiled, and we left to my car.
“Wow!! He buffed it, and everything. He even put a radio in it!” I said.
I ran in, and hugged him, “Thanks Tony.”
Then I ran back to the car, and jumped in the front seat. I started the car, and we started our drive.
“Where ya wanna go?” I asked.
“Well I have to go home. My sister is moving out.”
I drove to Henry's house, and dropped him off. Then I went home, and dropped off Jack. Then I went driving around the city.
I parked my car in the parking lot for Market Basket when I saw Shaun walk into the forest.
I followed him.
Once I caught up with him, I ducked behind I big log, and looked.
He grabbed a deer, and put it to his mouth, and when he dropped the deer he had blood all on his mouth. Then I saw Hailey, and Ryan walk up to him, wiping their faces.
I got up from my hiding place, and when I tried to walk away quietly a leaf crunched under my foot, and they all turned to looked at me.
“April? It's... not what it looks like.” Hailey said.
I just backed away when Hailey tried coming for me. Then I turned around, and ran to my car. I got in, and drove away.
SHAUN
“This isn't good.” Hailey said.
“You think!?!?! Stupid scum caught us!” I said.
“Stop calling her that!” Hailey snapped.
We walked out of the forest, and walked home.
Scum? She wasn't really scum. She's different. She's........ special. Oh god, what am I thinking. What is happening to the world?
Once we got home April was sitting on our steps. She was looking down at the ground with her hair falling down around her face.
“April?” Hailey said.
April looked up, and red circles were around her eyes.
She'd been crying.
“I want my stuff. I won't be at the bus stop tomorrow. My car's fixed.” She said.
“I'll go get them.”
Hailey went inside, and got her stuff, and came out. April took her things, got in her car, and left without another word.
“She was crying. Why?” Ryan asked.
“I don't know! She shouldn't of cried.... over us.”
Then we heard wheels screech on the road. We all walked to the road, and April's car was stopped in front of.... Rachel.
April hit the gas turned, dodging Rachel, and left.
Then Rachel appeared in front of us, “What's up with that, chick?”
“She found out. I don't know why she was crying. Don't ask.” Hailey said.
We walked into the house, and sat around the dinning room table.
“She obviously has feelings, that she doesn't know she has, about one of y'all. She probably doesn't even know why she cried.” Rachel said.
Who?
“What are we going to do with her?” Rachel asked.
“Shaun call her, and tell her to come.” Hailey said.
“Why me?”
“Just do it, Shaun.” Ryan said.
I got up, and called her.
“Hello?”
“Hey Jack. It's Shaun. I need to talk to April.
There was a pause and then, “Hello?”
“April, can you come over to my house please?”
“I guess.” Then she hung up.
“She's taking it harshly.” I said, as I sat down.
“How would you know?”
“She just hung up on me.”
“So. She kicked you.” Hailey said.
“She kicked you?!?!”
Rachel started laughing, and then the doorbell rang.
I went, and answered it.
“I'm all ears on whatever.” She said.
She walked into the living room, and stood there looking at everyone. I sat down, and
Hailey said, “April we need to talk.”
April didn't say anything.
“Well, first of all, were vampires. So that would explain the deer thing. Second of all, we want to know if our secret is safe with you.”
“I'm not the type of person who tells other people about other people's secrets, and if you think I am one of those people, your wasting your time,” April said. “Your secret is safe with me. Now I have Jack waiting in the car, and I don't feel comfortable right now.”
“Wait, we want to know why you cried, “I asked.
“I don't know.” She said, and walked away.
“Told ya.” Rachel said.
APRIL
Vampires? I.... I.... Why did I cry? Why? Vampires? Why?
“Oh so confusing.” I breathed.
“Miss. April do you have something to say?” The teacher asked.
“Huh? No ma'am.” I said.
“You okay?” Shaun whispered to me.
I just looked at him, and then back at my notebook.
*
“What is wrong with you today, April?” Jack asked me.
“Nothing!” I snapped.
“Wow. Relax, April. He just asked.” Henry said.
“Oh sorry.”
“Hey April.”
“Hey Tony.” I said.
“April! I need you!” I heard Hailey yell.
I saw Tony freeze. I looked back, and Hailey was motioning for me to come over to her table where Rachel, Ryan, Her, and Shaun were sitting. I left my plate, brother, and friends, and went over to their table.
“Yes?” I asked.
“April. There is something with Tony that..... isn't good. It would be best if you didn't hang out with him. For your own safety.” Hailey said.
“Wolf.” Rachel said.
“Oh now your telling me who I cant hang out with? Man, I'm done. Forget it, I can take care of myself.” I said, and left the table, and back to my table.
“What did they need?” Tony asked.
“Don't know. Don't care.”
**
“Hey April. Can you give me a ride home?” Tony asked.
“Yea. Come on. Jack is with Henry, and they're going to his house on the bus, so it's just you, and me.” I said.
“Awesome.” He jumped in the passenger seat and I got in the driver's seat.
While we were on the road we got stuck behind the bus. I saw Shaun looking back, and he saw us. He shook his head, and looked away. I cut around the bus, and drove Tony home.
I parked in his driveway and he asked me, “Do you want to go out this weekend?”
“Um.... no. Not really. I'm sorry. You're a good friend, but just a friend.” I said.
“Oh okay. Well, at least I tried.” He said.
He got out of the car, and walked in his house. I pulled from his driveway, and went to Hailey's house. I knocked five times. Then I kicked the door open. Hailey was sitting at the couch with Rachel, Ryan, and Shaun.
“Dang it! Answer your door next time, and I wouldn't have to flipping do that!” I said.
“Well.....uh..... that was weird.” Ryan said.
“What did y'all mean about Tony?!” I asked.
“Wolf.” Rachel said.
“And you suspect me to know what that means?!!? I'm new at this!” I said.
“Well come sit down and we'll talk about it.”
“I'm going.” Ryan left.
I sat down at the table next to Shaun.
“All right. We think Tony is a wolf. Like, he can turn into a wolf.” Hailey said.
“A wolf? Seriously? Wolf?” I said.
“Yea. Wolf.” Shaun said.
“He......... asked me out today.” I said.
“What did you say?” Shaun asked.
“No.” I said.
“Okay.” Hailey said.
“Good, because you do not want to be a wolf.” Rachel said.
“Seems like you've lived a lot of lives.” I mumbled.
“Look here, missy. You want to talk smack then get the heck out of this house.” Rachel said.
She was standing up.
I got off of my seat, and stood up, “Excuse me for saying something that I want to say. So shut up.”
“Wow. Relax. Both of you!” Shaun said.
“Shut it.” Rachel, and I said together.
“I didn't come here to deal with you! I came here under pure business!” Rachel said.
“LOOK! If you came here under business, and I came here under something that is sort of...... um.... i don't know IMPORTANT!!!” I said.
“GET OUT! GET OUT!” Rachel said.
“My pleasure.” I said.
I walked out of the house, and into my car, and drove away.
SHAUN
“Gosh darnit, Rachel! We needed to talk about this!” I said.
“Why do you care?! You hate humans! Why do you care!” Rachel yelled.
“I....... I don't care.” I said.
I got up, and left the room.
Don't care. I don't care. I entered my room, and I heard something hit my window. I looked out my window, and April was sitting in her car. I opened my window.
“Come on. We need to talk.” She said.
I climbed out of my window, and jumped down, and landed in her car.
“Okay. What do we need to talk about?”
She didn't say anything, she just drove down the road. She drove down a deserted road, and parked at a hill.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
Then I felt something kick my chair, “What was that?”
I looked to my side, and April was getting out of the car.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
Then she changed. Shape shifted into... Tony?!
“Tony?” I asked.
Then I felt that kick again.
“Tony, what are you doing.”
“I'm going to kill you! I swear! I knew something was up with you, and April. I'm going to kill you!” Tony said.
Then he turned into a wolf, and I felt a series of kicks behind my chair.
“Where is April?” I asked.
Then another series of kicks on the back of my chair. I leaned over my chair, and looked down. There was a big blanket. I took off the blanket, and April was tied up, and had tape over her mouth.
“April?” I asked.
She looked at me, and started wiggling as much as possible. I looked behind me, and Tony was charging at me. I grabbed him, and threw him.
I grabbed April, and took the tape off her mouth.
“He's coming.” She said.
I untied her hands as fast as I could, and then Tony came, and took her. I got out of the car, and ran towards them. She was screaming. I kicked Tony off of her, and hit him, and hit him. He was bleeding, hard.
I went to April, “Are you okay?”
“So far. Call Hailey! Call THEM!” She said.
Hailey, I need you! Bring everyone! HURRY!
A couple of minutes later they all showed up.
“It's Tony. He captured April.”
Then April screamed.
We all turned around, and Tony was on top of her biting her neck.
“Get him off of her!!” I yelled.
Rachel, and Ryan grabbed Tony off of April, and Hailey, and I kicked him.
I let Hailey kick and beat him, while I checked on April.
She was lying on the ground unconscious.
“April? April?!” I said.
She didn't respond.
“Oh no. April?!”
“It hurts......” She said.
“I know. I know.”
Then I started crying.
Then Henry came out of no where.
“Henry?” I said.
Henry walked over to April, and put his hand on her neck, and said something under his breath, a spell, then disappeared. The wound was gone. I looked back to April.
“What happened, April?”
“He took me from my house, and tied my up, and put tape, and a blanket, on me, and went to your house... I was so scared”
She started crying.
I kissed her with as much passion as I had.
Hope you liked it!! I tried my best on it! Criticism is very much appreciated!
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Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
First Impressions
Slow down ^.^ right now you have a lot of stuff going on, which is good and bad. Take it one step at a time, and relax your pace a little more. Having a lot going on in a story can be a very exciting thing for the reader, but only if they can follow. Right now I am sure you know exactly what is going on and where this is going, becuase you're the one writing it, but you need to think about your readers more.
Overall thoughts
I agree with the messages said above me, there is too much dialogue and not enough description, however the other problem that I am finding with this is that the over all dialogue is very bare. As with the description that you do add, it's very minimal, there isn't a whole lot of feeling behind it.
Like here for instance. First April is hurt, and then your MC is crying, and then Henry shows up and it all happens in less than four sentances. It's a lot going on in a very little space.
I would really love to see a rewrite of this, taken at a slower pace with more direction.
A little trick I use is to write out all of my dialogue first, just so I can get it out into the open and off of my mind, and then I go back and add description after.
Characters
At this point, it almost feels like you have one character talking back and forth to theirself. Perhaps that sounds a bit strange, however, all of your characters carry the same tone, the same phrasing, and the same speech patterns, etc.
Try focusing yourself on creating these characters and giving them depth. No two people have the exact same way of speaking to each other, or the same way of wording things. Maybe one of them speaks in short fragmented thoughts and another one is a very proper, always speaking in more complete sentences?
Hope this helps,
OverEasy
Hey. I can't really do a full review on this, it's pretty long. I'll point out a few things.
They are triplets, not twins. Twins are two. Triplets are three. The second sentence would probably read better as: We had bleach blond hair with brown highlights, hazel eyes, and full lips. We were all sixteen.
That was only one thing. There are some awkward sentences and missing punctuation. This is so long, maybe you could shorten it.
I agree with Olivia, you really need to add more description and a little less dialogue. Read through this out loud and you can probably find some awkward sentences.
Good luck! Keep writing!
Hi...
Are you sure you wouldn't prefer this as a script? Even if you didn't and you wanted to keep this amount of dialogue you need to add more description in terms of how things were said and the characters facial expressions and the like to give your audience a feel for the piece. If the reader can't relate to the characters they are a lot more likely to get bored and/or not understand it on the level you would like them too...
Have a think about it