Compass of Time - Ch1

The glass was so cold; water droplets ran down it creating patterns that weaved together in intricate designs. Blythe’s thumb ran along the side of the glass, creating the squealing sound of a thousand mice. She pressed her forehead to the frigid glass, closing her eyes. She pressed her thumb harder against the glass and it continued down the side of the glass, the squeaking continued. The fog on the glass blocked the outside world. Blythe pulled back her head and lifted her arm slowly, rubbing her forehead on the back of her black sweater sleeve. She curled her right hand into a fist and rubbed it against the glass, revealing bits and pieces of the world outside. She inhaled quickly, choking herself on the breath and exhaled just as fast, covering the glass in her cold breath and disguising the world outside once more. Her thumb continued down the side, slowing now as it neared the end of its journey along the edge of the glass.

“Blythe,” Her mother’s voice snapped. The hollowness in her tone filled the carriage, leaving a stunned silence behind. Blythe closed her eyes once more and withdrew her thumb from the glass window. She curled her thumb into her stomach, clutching it with her other hand. She looked down at it; the thumb was a harsh red that glowed in the diffused lighting. Blythe noticed the irony in her thumb scrolling down the window and her own life’s stories. She had come so close to getting what she wanted. The moment her mother and father had found out, they shattered her hope like a hammer slamming down on a glass cup, breaking it into a billion pieces to be carefully handled and picked up bit by bit, piece by piece.

Blythe slowly turned her head to the right, placing her left palm on the freezing icy glass window. She cast a quick glimpse at her mother’s solemn expression and her father’s poignant one. Her father turned his head to catch Blythe’s eye. His own deep oceanic blue eyes that were usually so heart filled and bright that you could almost jump into them if you tried were now lazy and distressed. Blythe worked at her expression as she held her father’s gaze, making her face into a monotone sculpture made from marble. Her father broke eye contact as her mother placed her hand on his knee. It was the simplest of touches and yet her father’s appearance changed with that once gesture. His face became gentler and concerned as he stared at the side of her mother’s face, trying to catch her eye. Blythe clenched her jaw, the love between her parents was so strong that it was almost as if one of them was doing so well to mask their sadness, the other could tell no matter what. Blythe had dreamed of that feeling for a partner for all her life, and when she’d gotten so close to it, her parents picked it up and snatched it away for her not to have.

The carriage began to slow at a sluggish pace that Blythe did not even begin to notice it at first. When she held her breath and wiped at the shivering glass with her sleeve did she then notice the large mansion made from bricks black as coal looming overhead. Two iron doors guarded the entrance so no civilian could enter. Slate steps led the way to the iron doors and Blythe’s breath caught as the carriage eventually lurched to a stopping point. She placed a hand on the cold metal handle. Following her parent’s motions, she opened the door slowly with a creak as the old rusted door swung out. She placed one of her black buckskin boots on the step leading down from the carriage. She placed the other foot on the matted dirt flooring of the earth. Her dark green pleated skirt adjusted itself automatically as she stood facing away from the mansion. Her black tights were so thin that her knees began to knock together from the chill almost at once.

Her cheeks and nose flamed into a rose color so the rest of her face was encompassed in a pale white skin tone. She hugged her black sweater to her and pulled her dark green skirt down so it brushed against the tops of her knees. She walked to the trunk of the carriage where her father was already pulling out one of her suitcases. It landed with a thump on the ground, sending dirt and dust flying into the air around her. Blythe pushed back her golden locks that curled at the tips off her shoulders. She reached for the handle of her suitcase as her father pulled another out of the trunk. This one landed quieter than the last although it still dusted her skirt in dirt. Her mother stood a minimum of ten feet away, her arms crossed tightly over her chest as if trying to hold her heat inside her body. Her mother had strawberry blond hair that was straight as could be and barely reached the base of her chin. Her father had curly golden brown hair that curled itself around the tops of his ears, protecting them from the cold.

Blythe shaped her rose tinted lips into a perfect ‘O’ and blew. Her breath curled sweetly into the air and wrapped itself into the night. She stood on the cobblestone path, the heel of her boot digging into the earth between the cracks in the stone. Blythe grasped the handles of two of her suitcases in her bare hands. She swallowed, a lump that she figured was the size of a golf ball rolled down her throat and emptied into the pit of her stomach. Her father unloaded the last suitcase and shut the trunk of the carriage with a metallic banging echoing in the night sky. Her father grabbed the handles of her two other suitcases and he advanced towards the slate steps. Her mother followed him, her arms still crossed. Blythe maneuvered around the carriage and caught up with her parents who were starting up the long steps.

When the three of them reached the iron doors, Blythe dropped the handle of one of her bags and pressed a hand to the door, letting the icy metal seep into her skin until she could feel her mother’s gaze bore into the back of her skull. Blythe moved her hand away and held her cold fingers to her lips. In the stone archway that held the iron doors, ice clung all around and an icicle, sharp as a carefully handcrafted dagger, sat poised above her head. Her father gave a low grunt from the back of his throat as he attempted pulled open the door. His knuckles turned white as the door gave way and opened up to reveal the inside of the Neldania Boarding School.

The inside foyer was large and open. Gold and bronze tiles made up the floor and Blythe gazed in awe at the staircases. A single door was in the back of the room, a polished wooden archway around it. One set of staircases was connected to the archway to the left and it curled to the right above the archway. Another set of staircases was in the exact position, reversed. Above that single door was a floor that led to the second level of the Neldania Boarding School mansion. The same tile mimicked the one on the main ground. Above the single door and on the second story there was a cherry wood railing that stopped when the stairs on both sides reached the top. The second floor parted to ways, one hallway to the left and one to the right. To Blythe’s left and the left of the foyer was a large archway that curved at the top. It was made of cherry wood and had intricate designs of leaves and flowers blossoming down to the floor. Another archway was mirrored to the right of the foyer and Blythe.

She barely heard the intake of breath coming from her mother’s slightly parted lips. Footsteps clicked from Blythe’s left and a large petite woman entered from the left archway in the foyer. She had dark chocolate brown hair that curled so wildly Blythe wondered if it would ever straighten out. She had dark purple-rimmed glasses that were perched slightly askew on her nose. A large mole was centered above the left side of her lip, just under her left nostril. Her nostrils flared outward as she walked and her skin was a creamy paste. She had short arms and wore a dark gold velvet suit that buttoned halfway until her ample bosom took over and a similar gold shirt was underneath. A large gold necklace that was made of hollow golden circles and it disappeared down her shirt. Her heels were mere three-inch bronze sandals that clacked loudly against the floor as she walked. She raised her short fingers that reminded Blythe of sausages and she moved two of them back and forth in a greeting, two large golden rings on her fingers snapped against each other. Her lip curled upward so her smile looked like a snarl.

“You must be Blythe,” Her voice cackled and echoed around the foyer.

Blythe swallowed, knowing it was her turn to speak, “Yes.” She was surprised that her voice did not waver.

“I am the headmistress. Mistress Elbirroh. Welcome to the Neldania Boarding School. Our unofficial slogan, the school where parents drop off their unwanted.” Her voice purred roughly.

Blythe looked at the floor, her eyes tracing the square design of gold and bronze. She knew that she was unwanted by her parents, and what was a better place to drop her off at?

“I will call for one of the students to help you around the school. The school is rather large after all. This is a boarding school for young women and young men, up the left staircase,” Mistress Elbirroh continued and pointed with one short sausage finger to the left staircase, “is where the girl’s dormitories lie. The right is for the boy’s.” She turned on her heel, leaving a small dent in the floor, she looked once back of her shoulder, “I hope we have no further means of communications with each other,” She narrowed her eyes. Blythe understood that this meant Mistress Elbirroh did not want to see her get into trouble and consequences would be severe. Mistress Elbirroh started out of the left foyer as a tall and slim girl who was the same age as Blythe came in through the right.

Blythe’s mother turned to the door and placed a pale hand on the knob, “Goodbye, Blythe.” She voice was cold like the night. She pulled open the door, creating a loud squealing sound that was sure to awake half the school. Her mother left the mansion and Blythe heard the fading steps of her mother’s heels. Her father pulled her into a hug and one hand ran through her hair, ruffling the ends of it.

“I love you, Blythe,” His voice was meaningful but his eyes were chilled, “be sure of that.” He opened the door, waking up the other half of the school, and followed her mother. Blythe stared blankly at the four suitcases that were perched on the floor. She automatically reached for one, but a long milk chocolate colored arm reached her to it first. Blythe looked up to see who was connected to the arm.

There was a girl her age, her skin all over was a milky chocolate color and her eyes were a creamy dark color that felt as though you could fall into them head first. She had a slightly upturned nose, Blythe presumed from genetics. Her top lip was slightly smaller than her full bottom lip. She had thin eyebrows that curled down at the ends. Her thin and straight hair matched her eyes and cascaded down her back, stopping at the end of her rib cage. A dark blue jagged clip held back her bangs to the right side of her face. She had long piano fingers and long arms with thin wrists. Her ankles were just as thin and her long legs flexed as she stood up. She wore a dark blue T-shirt that read Coldplay in the center of it written in white block letters. She had on a white sweater that was zipped up halfway. Her jeans flared outward at the bottom and white converse peeked out from under the hem.

“I’m Iris.” The girl introduced her self, waving an arm absently in the air.

“Blythe,” Blythe swallowed and let out a cough to keep from crying. Tears started to prick her eyes and she knew she was stuck here for good. Her parents were not going to open the door behind her and shout that this was all a surprise.

“Don’t cry.” Iris put a hand on Blythe’s shoulder and rubbed up and down in a slow pattern, “I know this isn’t the most ideal place to be.”

Blythe nodded and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. She knew her nose must have been a bright red coloring, “And it’s the worst time to join a new school. Winter.” She scoffed and looked at the solid iron doors with a clenched jaw.

“Let’s get your bags up to our room.” Iris took back her hand, curling it into a fist and shoving it into her white sweater’s pocket. Blythe turned to Iris, her lips slightly parted and a question starting to form in her mind. Iris cleared her throat, making a strangled sound as she did so and clarified, “We’re roommates. I didn’t have a roommate so you are mine now.” She gave a slight half turn of her mouth upward in an attempt for a smile. Blythe nodded and she picked up two of her bags, Iris mirrored her and their shoes thumped against the floors. Blythe hadn’t realized her suitcases contained what felt like a thousand boulders and struggled to carry them up the stairs.

She reached the top and dropped her bags. She walked to the balcony and placed her forearms on it, leaning down. She stared at the iron doors, watching them intently until Iris coughed softly. Blythe looked back at her and her eyes stretched out widely, remembering she had to carry her bags to her room. She heaved her bags upward again and they walked down the long hallway. The walls were half painted a soft pink before a cherry wood chair railing cut off the paint and the similar wood went down to the floor. Rooms were set on opposite sides of the hall and the hallway seemed to stretch forever. Iris stopped outside a room, room number twenty, on the right side of the hallway. She pulled a key from her jeans pocket and slid it gently into the lock. She turned the key and the door clicked open, swinging so that Blythe could stare into her new room.

The room had the same walls as the hallway but you wouldn’t have noticed if you looked on the right side of the room. Iris had pictures of celebrities and posters for movies hanging all around her double bed. A wooden six-drawer dresser was at the base of the bed and clothes were hanging out. Shirts and socks were strewn across the floor and books were piled carelessly on a desk in the back of the room and a desk chair was almost completely hidden with sweaters and towels piled and thrown on it. A laptop computer was placed neatly on Iris’s pillow and her covers were flipped over and wrinkled. Blythe turned to now her side of the room and stared at it without a word. A mattress was on her double bed and a six-drawer dresser was in the same position as Iris’s.

Blythe entered and Iris dropped her bags. She unzipped the bag with her covers and pillow in it. She pulled them out with a grunt and started to tuck in her covers, making a perfect bed with the lavender sheets she had brought from her house. She pulled a lavender quilt with pink polka dots out of her bag and she was silently glad they matched the walls. She tenderly laid it over her sheets and tucked it in too. Finally she pulled a pink pillowcase on her pillow and set it up exactly where it should be. She pulled her three bags that contained clothes to her dresser and separated the drawers. One drawer for shorts, one for pants, one for underwear, bras and socks, one for T-shirts, one for long sleeved shirts and one for pajamas of all seasons. She now pulled out a pair of dark green and black checkered boxer shorts and slipped off her skirt. When she looked over at Iris, she was asleep on her bed, the covers not even on her and still in her jeans and shoes. Blythe undressed and pulled on her boxers and a black camisole for her shirt. She ran her fingers through her hair. She opened a door just next to her bed and found a small bathroom with a shower, sink, toilet and two cabinets, one above the sink and one above the toilet. She opened the one above the sink and found it empty; the one above the toilet contained all of Iris’s makeup and hygienic appliances. Blythe loaded her things into the cabinet above the sink and brushed her teeth over the sink too. She walked to her bed and slid under her covers. She had a night table in front of her bed and she had unpacked a lamp from her fourth bag. She had plugged in her cell phone to charge and her laptop lay closed. She flicked off the lamp and the room enclosed her in the black.

An alarm clock was the first thing that ran into Blythe’s ears. Iris was already sitting up when Blythe cracked opened her eyes. Iris rubbed her eyelids and pressed the off button on her alarm clock. Blythe unplugged her cell phone and checked the time. It was just past eight. It was also Saturday.

“C’mon…” Iris mumbled sleepily, heading for the bathroom, grabbing new clothes on her way there, “Let’s get breakfast.”

“I’ll sleep for another hour or so.” Blythe responded and quickly set her the alarm on her phone to wake her at ten. She closed her eyes and heard the click of Iris leaving the room minutes later. This time, Blythe woke to the chimes of her phone’s alarm. She felt fresh and new and adrenaline rolled through her body as she climbed from her bed. She walked to her dresser and ran a finger along the top before opening it with a creak. She pulled out a deep crimson red turtleneck and a gray bra. She pulled both on and shook off her boxers. She picked out dark denim skinny jeans and from her unpacked bag she grabbed dark brown Birkenstocks. She maneuvered to the bathroom and ran a brush through her messy golden locks, twisting the brush to that they curled more at the end. Her hair looked smooth and shimmering and she pulled it back with an elastic while she brushed her teeth. She opened the cabinet for a little makeup she had brought and decided she didn’t need any for today. She closed the cabinet and let her hair fall loosely around her shoulders.

Blythe walked past the nightstand by her bed and found a silver key left there by Iris. She tucked it into her jeans pocket and headed into the hallway, locking the door behind her. The hallway of the girl’s dorms was empty and as she walked to the balcony above the foyer, it too was deserted. Blythe leaned over the railing, her hands on the edge of it. She stared at the iron doors, willing it to open and her parents to step through. She wanted to return home. She was lost in thought and jumped as footsteps entered her mind’s alertness. Her hands slipped on the balcony’s railing and her legs flipped of the side of it. She closed her eyes as the walls of the foyer jumped past her. Her heartbeat accelerated and then she was in someone’s firm and strong arms. She opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling.

The breathing of the person holding her caught her attention as their breath curled around her face and she glanced at her savior. He was handsome and her heartbeat accelerated faster and her cheeks flamed rose. He had black hair that was cropped on his head and he had slightly olive skin. His strong arms held Blythe up and his moss green eyes stared down at her. His mouth was twirled upward into a quirky smile and Blythe blinked at him, embarrassment flooding her veins. His lips were slightly parted and all of a sudden he burst out laughing. His laugh echoed around the foyer and Blythe was taken by surprise as his laugh chorused in her ears.

He stopped laughing and stared back down at Blythe. He tried to look serious and failed horribly. His arms flexed as he set her down on the floor. Blythe held her head as it swam and she looked up at the balcony and then back at the mysterious savoir who was smiling again, his lips quivering from laughing.

“I’m Travis Royce.” He put out his hand for her to shake and Blythe’s hand didn’t flinch towards it. He took it back quickly running it through his hair and looked around, “What’s your name?”

“Blythe.” She murmured and spun on her heel to the single door behind her. She started to walk towards it, not a single clue knowing what was behind it and Travis caught her wrist. His fingers tightened around her wrist ever so slightly as she half turned towards him again, “What?” She asked, her voice sharp.

“You could say thank you,” His voice was sarcastically accusing.

Blythe sighed slowly and blew air from her cheeks, “Thank you.” She said keeping a straight face, “What’s through that door?” She pointed to the single door.

“Dining Hall.” He answered, “I’m headed there now.” He still held her wrist as he moved closer to her, his eyes squinting as he took in her face, “Are you new?”

“Yes.”

“Thought so. What grade?” He smiled again and stepped closer to her yet.

“Eleventh. I’m a junior.” Blythe answered him in short clipped words. She turned again to the single door and noticed he was still holding her wrist. She stiffened, “You can let go of my wrist now.” She twisted her arm around in his grasp so her palm was facing towards him.

“I could…” He laughed again, the chorus picking up around the foyer, “But…”

“Children!” Mistress Elbirroh’s high-heeled shoes clicked loudly against the hard tiled flooring, “Why are you not in the Dining Hall?”

“I was just heading there.” Blythe answered her patiently, “I believe Mr. Royce was about to too. She stepped closer to him and hissed in his ear, “Isn’t that right?”

He smiled down at Blythe; his eyes didn’t leave hers as he said, “Perfectly right.”

“Well, step to it then. We don’t have all day do we?” Mistress Elbirroh snapped her fingers and waved her pudgy hand in the direction of the single wooden door.

Travis stepped smoothly in front of Blythe, his grasp tightened on her as his shirt brushed against hers and he led her into the Dining Hall. He pushed the door open with his free hand and Blythe stepped swiftly inside as Travis held the door open. He let it shut behind him with a quiet sound. She looked around the Dining Hall and took in the details.

A large stage with a long table was at the back of the room. Teachers sat there, eating and talking with each other. One large chair was in the center of the long table and a podium was in front of the middle of the table. What seemed like endless rows of long tables all facing vertically to the stage were lined up from wall to wall. The walls were tall and made of stone and towered over the students. Blythe’s eyes scanned the Dining Hall and she found Iris standing up, staring at her with wide eyes. Iris cocked her head to the left, motioning to Travis, her lips parted with a question already forming in her mind.

Blythe turned to Travis, annoyed, and said, “You can let go of my wrist now. I think you’re killing it.”

Travis laughed and pulled her closer to him and then let her go. Blythe turned away and walked to where Iris was sitting. Travis caught up behind her and tapped her shoulder, “You can come sit with my table.”

“No thanks.” Blythe spat and turned away once more. She marched to Iris and sat down in an empty seat next to her. Her pants adjusted themselves as she leaned her elbows on the wooden table. She turned her head to Iris; letting her hair fall over her shoulder and saw the penetrating stare Iris was still giving her, “What?” Blythe licked her lips like something was in her teeth. She hunched her shoulders and recoiled slightly backward.

“What was Travis Royce doing holding your hand?” Iris practically squealed from excitement.

Blythe looked over to Travis who was walking to another table, “What’s so special about him?”

“He’s only the most gorgeous guy at this school. Not only is he good looking, he’s smart and kind and funny.” Iris sighed happily.

“Sounds like a jerk from a fantasy.” Blythe muttered and looked at the two other girls who she had just noticed were staring oddly at her. One of the girls had a creamy hazelnut skin and thick black curls that twisted around her shoulders. She had small eyes that perfectly reflected her curls. She had full lips and she bit her bottom lip, pushing it to the side as Blythe stared at her. The second girl had straight blonde hair that fell past the edge of the table. Half of her hair was on the table as she held her head up with her hand, her elbow resting on the table. Her eyes stretched wide as she took in Blythe’s expression and sharp features. The blonde had large and round deep teal blue eyes and long blonde eyelashes. She blinked and faced away from Blythe, her hair moving automatically to hide the side of her face. She had a slightly upturned nose and thin pink lips. Her skin was a peach color and she ran a hand through her blond hair, twisting it around her fingers.

“A jerk?” Iris laughed, “He’s amazing. And I agree he looks and sounds like he came from a fantasy.” She nodded, pondering the thoughts of Travis. She sat bolt upright and turned to the two girls, waving a hand at them and she twisted her head to look at Blythe, “These are my friends. This is Natalie.” She pointed to the blonde who had pushed her hair behind her ear and smiled at Blythe, showing off a set of pearly white teeth, “And this is Ruby.” She pointed a long finger to the girl with curly black hair, “Ruby, Natalie, this is Blythe. She’s my new roommate. The new girl.”

“Everyone’s been talking about you,” Ruby waved her spoon from her cereal in Blythe’s general direction.

Blythe stared at the table as if trying to get it to burst into flames. No luck. She moved her fingers over the table and pressed the tips against it, feeling the texture of it on her skin, “Well.” She said and snapped her head up as a glittering sound came from a couple tables over. A girl with pure black hair stood up. Her hair was to her rib cage and it swished comfortingly around her as she gave a triumphant smile and she turned to look at the Dining Hall. Most of the girls stared up at her with glaring eyes and most of the boys stared in awe at her. She flipped her hair back, running her hand through it. Her hair was clipped in the front to hold back her side bangs. She picked it up in her fingers, loving the feel of her own hair and pretended to put it up in her hands and made a pouting smile with her eyelashes fluttering. She let it drop and her eyes found Blythe’s in the crowd. She narrowed her eyes, speculating her appearance. She frowned and sat back down. A minute later she was smiling again, her hand placed on a guy’s shoulder.

“That’s Naomi. You don’t want to get in her way.” Iris leaned towards Blythe and whispered.

“Why? Who cares.” Blythe shrugged and looked around the Dining Hall, “Where can a girl get some food?”

“Over there,” Iris pointed a finger numbly in the direction to the left of the room where a buffet was set up. Blythe barely noticed Travis walking up to her. She also barely noticed all the stares, mixed with emotion, staring her down as she walked to the buffet. She bit her tongue and looked at the ceiling. She didn’t look down as she reached the buffet. Her foot caught on the side of the buffet cart. She was glad her classmates had gone back to their food as she fell. Travis placed is arms under her back and helped her up. He barely managed to fight a grin as he stared at Blythe.

“We have to stop meeting like this.” He laughed.

Blythe rolled her eyes and scowled at her bad luck, blaming her genes for it, “Let go of me.” She snapped as he loosened his arms around her shoulders. She stepped back and surveyed Travis thoroughly, “Listen. I don’t want to sound mean. But I don’t like you.”

“I never said I liked you.” Travis crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow to Blythe.

“Well it’s obvious you do! You’re catching me, holding onto my wrist…” Blythe groaned and turned to get a plate from the table.

“Well. Excuse me but I don’t think a new student or any of the students should hurt themselves by falling. And I knew that if I let go of your wrist out there,” He waved a hand in the general direction of the single door, “you would have run. And you never,” he leaned towards Blythe, “ever,” he took a step closer to her. She caught her breath as she leaned down farther so their lips barely brushed, “run away from Mistress Elbirroh.” He breathed so softly. His breath scanned across her face and she closed her eyes. He leaned backward as she opened her eyes. He straightened his shirt and turned to the buffet table, “She’ll kill you if you do one thing to disobey her.”

“Understood.” Blythe said casually. She swallowed, a large lump sliding down her throat. Her legs shook and she blamed the cold. She looked up, suddenly; it wasn’t cold in the Dining Hall. She turned to the single door and watched as Mistress Elbirroh walked through.

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Dash_ Comment

That is amazing! You have talent my friend. I couldn't find anything wrong with it.
I loved it. :D
Wish I had talent like that.

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Light_Devil
Review

The glass was so cold; water droplets ran down it creating patterns that weaved together in intricate designs. Blythe’s thumb ran along the side of the glass, creating the squealing sound of a thousand mice. She pressed her forehead to the frigid glass, closing her eyes. She pressed
*(I advise you change pressed into a different word, I thought I was reading the sentence beforehand again)*
her thumb harder against the glass and it continued down the side of the glass, the squeaking continued. The fog on the glass blocked the outside world. Blythe pulled back her head and lifted her arm slowly, rubbing her forehead on the back of her black sweater sleeve. She curled her right hand into a fist and rubbed it against the glass, revealing bits and pieces of the world outside. She inhaled quickly, choking herself on the breath and exhaled just as fast, covering the glass in her cold breath and disguising the world outside once more. Her thumb continued down the side, slowing now as it neared the end of its journey along the edge of the glass.
*(Just something in general. You know what your character is doing and you're just telling us. I'd like to see a sentence that doesn't begin in "She" or "Blythe" or “Her”.)*

“Blythe,” Her mother’s voice snapped. The hollowness in her tone filled the carriage, leaving a stunned silence behind.
*(Unfortunately hollowness means the emptiness of something, therefore how can emptiness fill something?)*
Blythe closed her eyes once more and withdrew her thumb from the glass window. She curled her thumb into her stomach, clutching it with her other hand.
*(When you say this I picture herself actually somehow managing to get her thumb literally INTO her stomach. A rephrasing word would do wonders.)*
She looked down at it; the
*(“her” thumb possibly, “the” sounds very distant and like she is possibly high)*
thumb was a harsh red that glowed in the diffused lighting. Blythe noticed the irony in her thumb scrolling
*(Scrolling? I don't know about you but that makes me think about a computer and either pressing the down button or clicking the arrows. Another different synonym would be great)*
down the window and her own life’s
*(Has she had more than one life? If not I think you mean, her own LIFE STORY.)*
stories. She had come so close to getting what she wanted. The moment her mother and father had found out, they shattered her hope like a hammer slamming down on a glass cup, breaking it into a billion pieces to be carefully handled and picked up bit by bit, piece by piece.
*(This sentence is nice, but perhaps the hammer is a bit too much. Maybe something a bit more violent and personal to her. If her family is the one that is ruining her life (or has ruined it) maybe try something close to her, like her parents throwing a mug at the wall, and then add your description. Also in this sentence, what happens most of the time when you pick up pieces of glass? You cut yourself. It would be nice to see this in the metaphor as well.)*

Blythe slowly turned her head to the right, placing her left palm on the freezing icy glass window. She cast a quick glimpse at her mother’s solemn expression and her father’s poignant one. Her father turned his head to catch Blythe’s eye. His own deep oceanic blue eyes that were usually so heart filled and bright that you could almost jump into them if you tried were now lazy and distressed
*(Lazy and distressed? How can something be lazy AND distressed they seem like opposite.)*
. Blythe worked at her expression as she held her father’s gaze, making her face into a monotone sculpture made from marble. Her father broke eye contact as her mother placed her hand on his knee. It was the simplest of touches and yet her father’s appearance changed with that once gesture. His face became gentler and concerned as he stared at the side of her mother’s face, trying to catch her eye
*(Be warned this is the second time in this paragraph where her father has tried to “catch someone’s eye”. Double of the same thing makes people bored.)*
. Blythe clenched her jaw, the love between her parents was so strong that it was almost as if one of them was doing so well to mask their sadness,
*(I know what this sentence should mean and I can tell what you’re getting at, but is not correct, read this sentence out and try to find a proper way to describe it.)*
the other could tell no matter what. Blythe had dreamed of that feeling for a partner for all her life, and when she’d gotten so close to it, her parents picked it up and snatched it away for her not to have.
*(What was snatched away? The feeling or the partner? Also this sentence has a few extra words which could be either eliminated or moved around thoroughly.)*

The carriage began to slow at a sluggish pace that Blythe did not even begin
*(Words here are uneeded. The sentence would flow easier say if you were to write, “The carriage began to slow at a sluggish pace that at fist Blythe did not even notice it.)*
to notice it at first. When she held her breath and wiped at the shivering glass with her sleeve did she then notice the large mansion made from bricks black as coal looming overhead. Two iron doors guarded the entrance so no civilian could enter. Slate steps led the way to the iron doors and Blythe’s breath caught as the carriage eventually lurched to a stopping point.
*(Why would it lurch? It was moving so slow that lurching should be physically impossible)*

She placed a hand on the cold metal handle. Following her parent’s motions, she opened the door slowly with a creak as the old rusted door swung out. She placed one of her black buckskin boots on the step leading down from the carriage.
*(I’m really getting sick and tired of reading “She” and “Her” all the time. Reword sentences to take the number of these pronouns down)*
She placed the other foot on the matted dirt flooring of the earth. Her dark green pleated skirt adjusted itself automatically
*(Is her dress a machine then? How would it adjust itself automatically? I think you mean something along the lines of, “Her green pleated skirt fell perfectly into place.”)*
as she stood facing away from the mansion. Her black tights were so thin that her knees began to knock together from the chill almost at once.
*(Knock together? You have such an extensive vocabulary and all you can come up with is “knocked together”. Please I beg of you, use your talents!)*

Her cheeks and nose flamed into a rose color so the rest of her face was encompassed in a pale white skin tone.
*(This sentence confuses me. Possibly swap half the sentence with the other half, so it would be more, “Her face usually encompassed in the palest of white was patched rose red on her cheeks and nose.” Or something which would suit you better.)*
She hugged her black sweater to her and pulled her dark green skirt down so it brushed against the tops of her knees. She walked to the trunk of the carriage where her father was already pulling out one of her suitcases. It landed with a thump on the ground, sending dirt and dust flying into the air around her. Blythe pushed back her golden locks that curled at the tips off her shoulders. She reached for the handle of her suitcase as her father pulled another out of the trunk. This one landed quieter than the last although it still dusted her skirt in dirt. Her mother stood a minimum of ten feet away,
*(A minimum? Is this some sort of directional method to keep safe? What are you trying to say here?)*
her arms crossed tightly over her chest as if trying to hold her heat inside her body. Her mother had strawberry blond hair that was straight as could be and barely reached the base of her chin. Her father had curly golden brown hair that curled itself around the tops of his ears, protecting them from the cold.
*(His hair . . . its alive! It can curl itself around his ears to keep it warm. Amazing!)*

Blythe shaped her rose tinted lips into a perfect ‘O’
*(I like this description, but it seems a little . . . too much. Rose tinted is a little strong. Maybe some a little more subtle explained.)*
and blew. Her breath curled sweetly
*(Uhhh, sweetly? I’m not sure that sounds quite right.)*
into the air and wrapped itself into the night. She stood on the cobblestone path, the heel of her boot digging into the earth between the cracks in the stone. Blythe grasped the handles of two of her suitcases in her bare hands. She swallowed, a lump that she figured
*(Instead of figured, I think “felt” would fit more.)*
was the size of a golf ball rolled down her throat and emptied
*(Emptied doesn’t sound right. Maybe reread it and try saying something else)*
into the pit of her stomach. Her father unloaded the last suitcase and shut
*(such an unemotional word, “shut”. Slammed? Gently closed? How is feeling when he does it? Incorporate that feeling into the way he closes the trunk.)*
the trunk of the carriage with a metallic banging echoing in the night sky. Her father grabbed the handles of her two other suitcases and he advanced towards the slate steps. Her mother followed him, her arms still crossed. Blythe manoeuvred around the carriage and caught up with her parents who were starting up the long steps.

When the three of them reached the iron doors, Blythe dropped the handle of one of her bags and pressed a hand to the door, letting the icy metal seep into her skin until she could feel her mother’s gaze bore into the back of her skull. Blythe moved her hand away and held her cold fingers to her lips
*(Why? To lick them? To blow on them? To feel how cold they were? She seemingly does this for no reason.)*
. In the stone archway that held the iron doors, ice clung all around and an icicle, sharp as a carefully handcrafted dagger, sat poised above her head. Her father gave a low grunt from the back of his throat as he attempted pulled open the door. His knuckles turned white as the door gave way and opened up to reveal the inside of the Neldania Boarding School.

The inside foyer was large and open. Gold and bronze tiles made up the floor and Blythe gazed in awe at the staircases
*(She’s in awe of them and then you don’t describe them. It leaves a lot hanging.)*
. A single door was in the back of the room, a polished wooden archway around it. One set of staircases was connected to the archway to the left and it curled to the right above the archway. Another set of staircases was in the exact position, reversed. Above that single door was a floor that led to the second level of the Neldania Boarding School mansion. The same tile mimicked the one on the main ground. Above the single door and on the second story there was a cherry wood railing that stopped when the stairs on both sides reached the top. The second floor parted to
*(two?)*
ways, one hallway to the left and one to the right. To Blythe’s left and the left of the foyer was a large archway that curved at the top. It was made of cherry wood and had intricate designs of leaves and flowers blossoming down to the floor. Another archway was mirrored to the right of the foyer and Blythe.
*(This whole thing is telling me what to see. I want you to show me.)*

She barely heard the intake of breath coming from her mother’s slightly parted lips. Footsteps clicked from Blythe’s left and a large petite woman entered from the left archway in the foyer
*(Foyers and archways, from your last description I’ve had about enough of both of them.)*
. She had dark chocolate brown hair that curled so wildly Blythe wondered if it would ever straighten out. She had dark purple-rimmed glasses that were perched slightly askew on her nose. A large mole was centered above the left side of her lip, just under her left nostril. Her nostrils flared outward as she walked and her skin was a creamy paste
*(The relation between walking and skin colour is non-existent. Her skin should be with the description of her face)*
. She had short arms and wore a dark gold velvet suit that buttoned halfway until her ample bosom took over and a similar gold shirt was underneath. A large gold necklace that was made of hollow golden circles and it
*(“and it” doesn’t belong here, read it without them and it would make more sense)*
disappeared down her shirt. Her heels were mere three-inch bronze sandals that clacked loudly against the floor as she walked. She raised her short fingers that reminded Blythe of sausages
*(this part can be reworked, change her thoughts to be before what the woman actually does.)*
and she moved two of them back and forth in a greeting, two large golden rings on her fingers snapped
*(You have a change of tense in this sentence. It would be better if you either changed “snapped” to “snapping” or put in where you have a comma, just before between, “and her”.)*
against each other. Her lip curled upward so her smile looked like a snarl.
*(I love this. A simple and yet picturesque sentence.)*

“You must be Blythe,” Her voice cackled and echoed around the foyer.
*(Oi, foyers. Once again . . .)*

Blythe swallowed, knowing it was her turn to speak, “Yes.” She was surprised that her voice did not waver.

“I am the headmistress. Mistress Elbirroh. Welcome to the Neldania Boarding School. Our unofficial slogan, the school where parents drop off their unwanted.” Her voice purred roughly.
*(First it crackled, now its purring? Hmm a little indecisive about how you want her to sound here.)*

Blythe looked at the floor, her eyes tracing the square design of gold and bronze. She knew that she was unwanted by her parents, and what was a better place to drop her off at?

“I will call for one of the students to help you around the school. The school is rather large after all. This is a boarding school for young women and young men, up the left staircase,” Mistress Elbirroh continued and pointed with one short sausage finger to the left staircase, “is where the girl’s dormitories lie. The right is for the boy’s.” She turned on her heel, leaving a small dent in the floor,
*(Does this mean she was so heavy that tiles were actually bent?)*
she looked once back of her shoulder, “I hope we have no further means of communications with each other,” She narrowed her eyes. Blythe understood that this meant
*(There needs to be grammar right here, semi-colon, comma or full stop, you can’t just start another thought without one.)*
Mistress Elbirroh did not want to see her get into trouble and consequences would be severe. Mistress Elbirroh started out of the left foyer as a tall and slim girl who was the same age as Blythe came in through the right.
*(How does Blythe know the girl is the same age as her, “As a tall slim girl who appeared to be the same age as Blythe came through the right.” Sounds better.*)

Blythe’s mother turned to the door and placed a pale hand on the knob, “Goodbye, Blythe.” She voice was cold like the night.
*(First I think you mean, “Her.” Anyway, I like this, personally I love nights, because you have to wear blankets for warmth. Describe how cold the night would be. )*
She pulled open the door, creating a loud squealing sound that was sure to awake half the school. Her mother left the mansion and Blythe heard the fading steps of her mother’s heels. Her father pulled her into a hug and one hand ran through her hair, ruffling the ends of it.
*(You’ve gotten into this really bad habit where it is always, “Her”, “She,” and “Blythe”. I detest reading things like that. Start your sentences is at least two different ways each paragraph.)*

“I love you, Blythe,” His voice was meaningful
*(That is a classic example of telling and not showing. Meaningful? Does that give you an image in your head straight up? I don’t think it does.)*
but his eyes were chilled, “be sure of that.”
*(Uhhh, perhaps a “you,” before that second thing he says.)*

He opened the door, waking up the other half of the school, and followed her mother. Blythe stared blankly at the four suitcases that were perched on the floor. She automatically reached for one, but a long milk chocolate colored arm reached her to it first. Blythe looked up to see who was connected to the arm.

There was a girl her age, her skin all over was a milky chocolate color and her eyes were a creamy dark color that felt as though you could fall into them head first.
*(You seem to be addicted with someone getting into someone’s eyes. First her father where you could, “Jump in,” and this new girl where you could “Fall in.” Think of a different way to describe her eyes.)*
She had a slightly upturned nose, Blythe presumed from genetics. Her top lip was slightly smaller than her full bottom lip
*(This needs a little more. I don’t know how but the sentence feels likes it wants something to compliment it.)*
She had thin eyebrows that curled down at the ends. Her thin and straight hair matched her eyes and cascaded down her back
*(Do her eyes cascade down her back as well, because that’s the way I read it as.)*,
stopping at the end of her rib cage. A dark blue jagged clip held back her bangs to the right side of her face. She had long piano fingers and long arms with thin wrists. Her ankles were just as thin and her long legs flexed as she stood up. She wore a dark blue T-shirt that read Coldplay in the center of it written in white block letters. She had on a white sweater that was zipped up halfway. Her jeans flared outward at the bottom and white converse peeked out from under the hem.
*(Once again, I hate to tell you this, but you’re telling. How does Blythe feel about the clothes she’s wearing? Was she jealous of them? Loved them? Hated them? Show this in your writing.)*

“I’m Iris.” The girl introduced her self, waving an arm absently in the air.
*(When I picture this Iris looks insane. She’s just stopped Blythe from picking up a suitcase and still waves at her from so close and “absently”. It just sounds a little wrong)*


“Blythe,” Blythe swallowed and let out a cough to keep from crying. Tears started to prick her eyes and she knew she was stuck here for good. Her parents were not going to open the door behind her and shout that this was all a surprise.
*(Surprise? I think you mean just some cruel trick. If you do mean surprise, I think the sentence ending would be better with, “and shout, “SURPRISE!”,”.)*

“Don’t cry.” Iris put a hand on Blythe’s shoulder and rubbed up and down in a slow pattern, “I know this isn’t the most ideal place to be.”

Blythe nodded and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. She knew her nose must have been a bright red coloring
*(Has it somehow changed from when she went outside? Because it was red then as well.)*
, “And it’s the worst time to join a new school. Winter.” She scoffed and looked at the solid iron doors with a clenched jaw.
*(Is this Blythe saying this? Or Iris? And if it is Blythe her sudden halt in tears is very confusing. People just don’t stop crying because someone tells them to.)*

“Let’s get your bags up to our room.” Iris took back her hand, curling it into a fist and shoving it into her white sweater’s pocket. Blythe turned to Iris, her lips slightly parted and a question starting to form in her mind. Iris cleared her throat, making a strangled sound as she did so and clarified, “We’re roommates. I didn’t have a roommate so you are mine now.” She gave a slight half turn of her mouth upward in an attempt for a smile. Blythe nodded and she picked up two of her bags, Iris mirrored her and their shoes thumped against the floors. Blythe hadn’t realized her suitcases contained what felt like a thousand boulders and struggled to carry them up the stairs.

She reached the top and dropped her bags. She walked to the balcony and placed her forearms on it, leaning down
*(Leaning down? This is confusing.)*
. She stared at the iron doors, watching them intently until Iris coughed softly. Blythe looked back at her and her eyes stretched out widely, remembering she had to carry her bags to her room. She heaved her bags upward again and they walked down the long hallway. The walls were half painted a soft pink before a cherry wood chair railing cut off the paint and the similar wood went down to the floor.
*(This sentence confuses me. Half painted? The paint was cut off? I’m not sure what it actually looks like.)*
Rooms were set on opposite sides of the hall and the hallway seemed to stretch forever. Iris stopped outside a room, room number twenty, on the right side of the hallway. She pulled a key from her jeans pocket and slid it gently into the lock. She turned the key and the door clicked open, swinging so that Blythe could stare into her new room.

The room had the same walls as the hallway but you wouldn’t have noticed if you looked on the right side of the room. Iris had pictures of celebrities and posters for
*(from)*
movies hanging all around her double bed. A wooden six-drawer dresser was at the base of the bed and clothes were hanging out. Shirts and socks were strewn across the floor and books were piled carelessly on a desk in the back of the room and a desk chair was almost completely hidden with sweaters and towels piled and thrown on it. A laptop computer was placed neatly on Iris’s pillow and her covers were flipped over and wrinkled. Blythe turned to now her side of the room and stared at it without a word. A mattress was on her double bed and a six-drawer dresser was in the same position as Iris’s.

Blythe entered and Iris dropped her bags. She unzipped the bag with her covers and pillow in it. She pulled them out with a grunt and started to tuck in her covers, making a perfect bed with the lavender sheets she had brought from her house. She pulled a lavender quilt with pink polka dots out of her bag and she was silently glad they matched the walls. She tenderly laid it over her sheets and tucked it in too. Finally she pulled a pink pillowcase on her pillow and set it up exactly where it should be. She pulled her three bags that contained clothes to her dresser and separated the drawers. One drawer for shorts, one for pants, one for underwear, bras and socks, one for T-shirts, one for long sleeved shirts and one for pajamas of all seasons. She now pulled out a pair of dark green and black checkered boxer shorts and slipped off her skirt. When she looked over at Iris, she was asleep on her bed, the covers not even on her and still in her jeans and shoes. Blythe undressed and pulled on her boxers and a black camisole for her shirt. She ran her fingers through her hair. She opened a door just next to her bed and found a small bathroom with a shower, sink, toilet and two cabinets, one above the sink and one above the toilet. She opened the one above the sink and found it empty; the one above the toilet contained all of Iris’s makeup and hygienic appliances. Blythe loaded her things into the cabinet above the sink and brushed her teeth over the sink too. She walked to her bed and slid under her covers. She had a night table in front of her bed and she had unpacked a lamp from her fourth bag. She had plugged in her cell phone to charge and her laptop lay closed. She flicked off the lamp and the room enclosed her in the black.
*(It burns. She this, Her that, Blythe as well. So many sentences starting with them, Gosh.)*

An alarm clock was the first thing that ran into Blythe’s ears. Iris was already sitting up when Blythe cracked opened her eyes. Iris rubbed her eyelids and pressed the off button on her alarm clock. Blythe unplugged her cell phone and checked the time. It was just past eight. It was also Saturday.

“C’mon…” Iris mumbled sleepily, heading for the bathroom, grabbing new clothes on her way there, “Let’s get breakfast.”

“I’ll sleep for another hour or so.” Blythe responded and quickly set her the alarm on her phone to wake her at ten. She closed her eyes and heard the click of Iris leaving the room minutes later. This time, Blythe woke to the chimes of her phone’s alarm. She felt fresh and new and adrenaline
I’m not sure adrenaline fits right here. Try something else.)*
rolled through her body as she climbed from her bed. She walked to her dresser and ran a finger along the top before opening it with a creak. She pulled out a deep crimson red turtleneck and a gray bra. She pulled both on and shook off her boxers. She picked out dark denim skinny jeans and from her unpacked bag she grabbed dark brown Birkenstocks. She manoeuvred to the bathroom and ran a brush through her messy golden locks, twisting the brush to that they curled more at the end. Her hair looked smooth and shimmering and she pulled it back with an elastic while she brushed her teeth. She opened the cabinet for a little makeup she had brought and decided she didn’t need any for today. She closed the cabinet and let her hair fall loosely around her shoulders.

Blythe walked past the nightstand by her bed and found a silver key left there by Iris. She tucked it into her jeans pocket and headed into the hallway, locking the door behind her. The hallway of the girl’s dorms was empty and as she walked to the balcony above the foyer, it too was deserted. Blythe leaned over the railing, her hands on the edge of it. She stared at the iron doors, willing it to open and her parents to step through. She wanted to return home. She was lost in thought and jumped as footsteps entered her mind’s alertness. Her hands slipped on the balcony’s railing and her legs flipped of the side of it. She closed her eyes as the walls of the foyer jumped past her. Her heartbeat accelerated and then she was in someone’s firm and strong arms. She opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling.

The breathing of the person holding her caught her attention as their breath curled around her face and she glanced at her savior. He was handsome and her heartbeat accelerated faster and her cheeks flamed rose
*(Uhh? “Cheeks flamed rose.” Not entirely making sense.)*
. He had black hair that was cropped on his head and he had slightly olive skin. His strong arms held Blythe up and his moss green eyes stared down at her. His mouth was twirled upward into a quirky smile and Blythe blinked at him, embarrassment flooding her veins. His lips were slightly parted and all of a sudden he burst out laughing. His laugh echoed around the foyer and Blythe was taken by surprise as his laugh chorused in her ears.
*(Yes, I see. She just looks at him and her heart starts to beat. The contact of their skin, his eyes on hers, her imagination running wild with thoughts these are all part of meeting a handsome guy for the first time. I think you sometimes leave out the feeling your writing. Think about emotions more.)*

He stopped laughing and stared back down at Blythe. He tried to look serious and failed horribly. His arms flexed as he set her down on the floor. Blythe held her head as it swam and she looked up at the balcony and then back at the mysterious savoir who was smiling again, his lips quivering from laughing.

“I’m Travis Royce.” He put out his hand for her to shake and Blythe’s hand didn’t flinch towards it. He took it back quickly running it through his hair and looked around, “What’s your name?”

“Blythe.” She murmured and spun on her heel to the single door behind her. She started to walk towards it, not a single clue knowing what was behind it and Travis caught her wrist. His fingers tightened around her wrist ever so slightly as she half turned towards him again, “What?” She asked, her voice sharp.

“You could say thank you,” His voice was sarcastically accusing.

Blythe sighed slowly and blew air from her cheeks, “Thank you.” She said keeping a straight face, “What’s through that door?” She pointed to the single door.

“Dining Hall.” He answered, “I’m headed there now.” He still held her wrist as he moved closer to her, his eyes squinting as he took in her face, “Are you new?”

“Yes.”

“Thought so. What grade?” He smiled again and stepped closer to her yet.

“Eleventh. I’m a junior.” Blythe answered him in short clipped words. She turned again to the single door and noticed he was still holding her wrist. She stiffened, “You can let go of my wrist now.” She twisted her arm around in his grasp so her palm was facing towards him.

“I could…” He laughed again, the chorus picking up around the foyer, “But…”

“Children!” Mistress Elbirroh’s high-heeled shoes clicked loudly against the hard tiled flooring, “Why are you not in the Dining Hall?”

“I was just heading there.” Blythe answered her patiently, “I believe Mr. Royce was about to too.
*(Missing some grammar here.)*
She stepped closer to him and hissed in his ear, “Isn’t that right?”

He smiled down at Blythe; his eyes didn’t leave hers as he said, “Perfectly right.”

“Well, step to it then. We don’t have all day
*(Grammar needs to be here.)*
do we?” Mistress Elbirroh snapped her fingers and waved her pudgy hand in the direction of the single wooden door.

Travis stepped smoothly in front of Blythe, his grasp tightened on her as his shirt brushed against hers and he led her into the Dining Hall. He pushed the door open with his free hand and Blythe stepped swiftly inside as Travis held the door open. He let it shut behind him with a quiet sound. She looked around the Dining Hall and took in the details.

A large stage with a long table was at the back of the room. Teachers sat there, eating and talking with each other. One large chair was in the center of the long table and a podium was in front of the middle of the table. What seemed like endless rows of long tables all facing vertically to the stage were lined up from wall to wall. The walls were tall and made of stone and towered over the students. Blythe’s eyes scanned the Dining Hall and she found Iris standing up, staring at her with wide eyes. Iris cocked her head to the left, motioning to Travis, her lips parted with a question already forming in her mind.

Blythe turned to Travis, annoyed, and said, “You can let go of my wrist now. I think you’re killing it.”

Travis laughed and pulled her closer to him and then let her go.
*(Why? Was he flirting? Playing with her? Or was it cruelly done?)*
Blythe turned away and walked to where Iris was sitting. Travis caught up behind her and tapped her shoulder, “You can come sit with my table.”

“No thanks.” Blythe spat and turned away once more. She marched to Iris and sat down in an empty seat next to her. Her pants adjusted themselves as she leaned her elbows on the wooden table. She turned her head to Iris; letting her hair fall over her shoulder and saw the penetrating stare Iris was still giving her, “What?” Blythe licked her lips like something was in her teeth. She hunched her shoulders and recoiled slightly backward.

“What was Travis Royce doing holding your hand?” Iris practically squealed from excitement.

Blythe looked over to Travis who was walking to another table, “What’s so special about him?”

“He’s only the most gorgeous guy at this school. Not only is he good looking, he’s smart and kind and funny.” Iris sighed happily.
*(Okay, this sounds wrong, but I think it does only to me. I’m not sure why.)*

“Sounds like a jerk from a fantasy.” Blythe muttered and looked at the two other girls who she had just noticed were staring oddly at her. One of the girls had a creamy hazelnut skin and thick black curls that twisted around her shoulders. She had small eyes that perfectly reflected her curls
*(Perfectly reflected her curls? I have no idea what this even means.)*.
She had full lips and she bit her bottom lip, pushing it to the side as Blythe stared at her. The second girl had straight blonde hair that fell past the edge of the table. Half of her hair was on the table as she held her head up with her hand, her elbow resting on the table. Her eyes stretched wide as she took in Blythe’s expression and sharp features. The blonde had large and round deep teal blue eyes and long blonde eyelashes. She blinked and faced away from Blythe, her hair moving automatically to hide the side of her face. She had a slightly upturned nose and thin pink lips. Her skin was a peach color and she ran a hand through her blond hair, twisting it around her fingers.

“A jerk?” Iris laughed, “He’s amazing. And I agree he looks and sounds like he came from a fantasy.” She nodded, pondering the thoughts of Travis. She sat bolt upright and turned to the two girls, waving a hand at them and she twisted her head to look at Blythe, “These are my friends. This is Natalie.” She pointed to the blonde who had pushed her hair behind her ear and smiled at Blythe, showing off a set of pearly white teeth, “And this is Ruby.” She pointed a long finger to the girl with curly black hair, “Ruby, Natalie, this is Blythe. She’s my new roommate. The new girl.”

“Everyone’s been talking about you,” Ruby waved her spoon from her cereal in Blythe’s general direction.

Blythe stared at the table as if trying to get it to burst into flames. No luck.
*(Beautiful. It takes a while for her to actually show some personality, but I like her here. Anger like this makes a person seem more real.)*
She moved her fingers over the table and pressed the tips against it, feeling the texture of it on her skin, “Well.” She said and snapped her head up as a glittering sound came from a couple tables over. A girl with pure black hair stood up. Her hair was to her rib cage and it swished comfortingly around her as she gave a triumphant smile and she turned to look at the Dining Hall. Most of the girls stared up at her with glaring eyes and most of the boys stared in awe at her. She flipped her hair back, running her hand through it. Her hair was clipped in the front to hold back her side bangs. She picked it up in her fingers, loving the feel of her own hair and pretended to put it up in her hands and made a pouting smile with her eyelashes fluttering. She let it drop and her eyes found Blythe’s in the crowd. She narrowed her eyes, speculating her appearance. She frowned and sat back down. A minute later she was smiling again, her hand placed on a guy’s shoulder.

“That’s Naomi. You don’t want to get in her way.” Iris leaned towards Blythe and whispered.

“Why? Who cares.” Blythe shrugged and looked around the Dining Hall, “Where can a girl get some food?”

“Over there,” Iris pointed a finger numbly in the direction to the left of the room where a buffet was set up. Blythe barely noticed Travis walking up to her. She also barely noticed
*(How is it possible to barely notice them, when she realises that they’re there?)*
all the stares, mixed with emotion, staring
*(Ouch, stare twice in the same sentence is a no go.)
her down as she walked to the buffet. She bit her tongue and looked at the ceiling. She didn’t look down as she reached the buffet. Her foot caught on the side of the buffet cart. She was glad her classmates had gone back to their food as she fell. Travis placed is arms under her back and helped her up. He barely managed to fight a grin as he stared at Blythe.
*(There is no connection in this. Just sentence after sentence. I felt like I was watching stick men doing this.)*

“We have to stop meeting like this.” He laughed.
*(His laughter – what does it sound like? Cold, warm, hearty, angry, teasing, cruel? I don’t know unless you write it down and I want to know.)*

Blythe rolled her eyes and scowled at her bad luck, blaming her genes for it, “Let go of me.” She snapped as he loosened his arms around her shoulders. She stepped back and surveyed Travis thoroughly, “Listen. I don’t want to sound mean. But I don’t like you.”

“I never said I liked you.” Travis crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow to Blythe.

“Well it’s obvious you do! You’re catching me, holding onto my wrist…” Blythe groaned and turned to get a plate from the table.

“Well. Excuse me but I don’t think a new student or any of the students should hurt themselves by falling. And I knew that if I let go of your wrist out there,” He waved a hand in the general direction of the single door, “you would have run. And you never,” he leaned towards Blythe, “ever,” he took a step closer to her. She caught her breath as she leaned down farther so their lips barely brushed, “run away from Mistress Elbirroh.” He breathed so softly. His breath scanned across her face and she closed her eyes. He leaned backward as she opened her eyes. He straightened his shirt and turned to the buffet table, “She’ll kill you if you do one thing to disobey her.”

“Understood.” Blythe said casually. She swallowed, a large lump sliding down her throat. Her legs shook and she blamed the cold
*(She seems to blame a lot of things. Try using a different word. I liked it at first, but three times in three paragraphs nearly right after each other – not nice.)*
. She looked up, suddenly; it wasn’t cold in the Dining Hall. She turned to the single door and watched as Mistress Elbirroh walked through.


I have to say, I enjoyed this. It was nice and it made me want to read more, well, the general plotline did at least. Your writing lacks emotion in the wording, also sometimes it lacks connection between words. The one thing that irks me about your writing skills is the starts of your sentences, I think I mentioned this s few times. Please write sentences differently, never start them continuously with “She,” “Her” and the OC’s name. It makes me horribly resistant to reading onwards.

I also pointed out only bits of your grammatical mistakes. However, once you run your editing skills through this, I have this theory that it has the potential to be a wonderful story. I hope none of my comments are rude, but I wish that they will help you to get the best out of your story.

I’d like to know more about this, because the first thing and last thing on my mind were, “What got snatched away from her? Who was this partner she almost had?” As soon as I read that I had to read on. That basically draws you in, but the fact you don’t mention it, or her parents as you read on is very annoying. Tid-bits should be spread every now and then to keep readers interested.

I thoroughly enjoyed reviewing your story and I would like to know how this turns out for you.

Have A Nice Day.
Azrael.



If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.
— Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"