Published August 20, 2011
I have a girl who is mean to me
Her eyesight was keen when she picked out me
These days I’m in the dumps how I’ve been tricked.
Her venom runs deeply, I am running out of this nightmare sleepy.
She screams so hard when I get away.
I just killed part of a monster today.
You run until you can’t feel the ick
To the light that will cure when you’re sick
Getting the heck away from this demonic crackling chick!
Her venom runs deeply, I am running out of this nightmare sleepy.
She screams so hard when I get away.
I just killed part of a monster today.
My wings have regrown, made out of granite and stone.
I fly to a better place and end a horrible chase!
Her venom runs deeply, I am running out of this nightmare sleepy.
She screams so hard when I get away.
I just killed part of a monster today.
Bye, Bye mad house
Bye, Bye abuse
Bye, Bye to you!!!
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138,507 Literary Works • 672,144 Reviews
Interesting! I liked it
It was very deep but a little bit confusing at the beginning but I think that just might be me. Keep up the good work 
This is what didn't make sense to me:
I have a girl who is mean to me
Her eyesight was keen when she picked out me
These days I’m in the dumps how I’ve been tricked.
It seemed a little rushed, I think.
Hi, Cardigan!
I think what you have here is a good start. I like the story-themed song. For some reason, I always enjoy listening to those; so maybe I'm biased! But I like it. I think it can be an effective way to deliver the message.
So I'll probably go through and show the nitpicks, but some of the rhyming sounded forced as if you couldn't think of how to rhyme with a line, so you do weird sentence scrambling to make it work. I do this a lot. xD But it's really no good 'cause it doesn't sound as natural when sung. Kind of like how a poem still uses proper grammar so it's easier to read. (In both cases, there are exceptions, but generally speaking.)
I'm going to italicize all those lines I think sound forced!
The first line didn't really work for me, and I'm hoping that's not because of the word "mean". I have a weird relationship with that word. xD But, um. Anyway, I think a better hook would work better for you! And given that the second line sounds forced, you should find more freedom in editing that a bit!
So your chorus is awesome! I like that reference to the title in there. Very good! But I'm not sure what the third line has anything to do with the song. It sounds like the speaker is defeating that bully somehow, but I don't get that from any of the stanzas. Only the last three lines, and what I think is the bridge, so the idea seems a bit random. You can work that in with the rest of the song maybe!
Just another example of a forced rhyme! But the first line is very pretty and awesome. This is what part I was referring to earlier as the bridge. It might just be another stanza, but I can't quite match it up with the rest of the format in the song.
This was a neat way to end the piece! It reinforces what I was talking about earlier as a random message. I wasn't getting this impression from the story the song was telling, so this ending wasn't quite as satisfactory as it could be. Probably work on previous stanzas, maybe make another (whatever works with the music), and explain the story a bit more.
Besides that though, I think you've got a good idea here. Keep in mind the message you want to deliver, and then focus your story/song around that. Also, the rhymes should be read smoothly and not seem like you were jumbling words to fit the rhythm. The rhythm works for you, not the other way around.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hello
I really enjoyed this, it is very good. It flows well but I do think that the verses are very short! I love your chorus though, so well done
Okay, so I don’t really get this...
First of all I don’t really get what you mean by ick.
Also I don’t think heck really fits in here, I not sure why it just muddles up the flow of the song for me.
But don’t worry that’s only my opinion
Other than that I really liked this, sorry if I didn’t help much, I’m not much of a song writer (or singer
But keep writing and I will be happy to review anything else for you
Chelsea
Hey
This is good, it really creates a kind of monster/dragon/stone age, i don't know how to describe it (i'm thinking along the lines of books like eragon). Anyway i like the way it creates this feeling and yet comes from human emotion. So well done there. First of all, its very short. I don't know it could of been a deliberate and conscious decision to make it short but most songs are a lot longer. So unless you're trying to make it unique by its length than i would try to expand a little. Most songs have two or three verses, a chorus and a coda. Where as you only have two verses and they're both very, very short. Can i say, i love what i'm presuming is the CODA
. This part is brilliant! Its exactly as a coda should be- the defining, turning point of the song so Well Done!I just don't like "You run until you can't feel the ick" it sounds like it's only put there to rhyme with "sick". But don't let that get you down, its only my opinion! Also i think the second line would sound better as "To the light that will cure you when you're sick"...
With all that said, keep writing!!!! All song-writing is, is practice and exposure (i.e listening to great songs). You are only 14 and i know i was terrible at song- writing when i was that age but you are good